NYC Actress

2011-11-12T22:24:00.000-05:00

My Expesive Lil Baby

2011-09-16T14:01:00.003-04:00

I pretty much had one of the worst weeks ever. It all happened on Tuesday. I received the call. A call I've never ever ever ever gotten. I was fired. They said they couldn't disclose the reason (isn't that illegal?) but I was not to show up to any more of my shifts. Great.

Then I noticed clear cat vomit all over my apartment. Like ALL over. I picked up Jimmy and he was completely limp. Trying to stay calm, I rushed him over to the clinic where they admitted him immediately. Turns out he had swallowed TONS of thread from my sewing machine. It had wrapped all the way through his intestines and into his colon. Major major surgery. It was going to cost $1500 and if I didn't have half of it now they wouldn't take him and he would pass away. In tears, the angel of the receptionist helped me apply to an animal credit card immediately and because she worked her magic it was approved for exactly $1500.

Thank God.

My stomach has been in knots all week. It was a five hour surgery that he basically shouldn't have survived but did because he is so strong. He's home with me now and we have to make sure his bowels start working properly but he's not out of the woods.

Unfortunately, I can't stay home with him today because I (fortunately) am training for a new job. It's a bartending gig at a super awesome wine bar and I'm really nervous because it's just a trial run and I'm going to be thinking about Jimmy the whole time. But it's ok. I have to keep calm and carry on.

The perspective you get when something like this happens to someone you love is insane. I don't care about petty arguments anymore. I don't even care that I got fired anymore. My baby almost died and maybe if I hadn't gotten that call I wouldn't have woken up in time to see how sick he was.

Sigh. Ok. Off to go train. I'm really nervous. Wish me luck. And keep Jimmy in your thoughts.

Ten Years

2011-09-10T02:13:00.003-04:00

I gotta say that this is weird. The tenth anniversary. I think everyone remembers where we were ten years ago. It's even weirder that I have to walk by the World Trade Center to get to work for the next couple days. Although I won't really be able to walk by. At first I was annoyed that I would have to walk about 30 blocks out of my way to get to my job (because most streets down there are closed for the next two days and my boats both depart from right next to the WTC). And then I started to feel bad. Not just feel bad, but watch the news and start sobbing because I thank God I've never had to go through anything like that and can't believe some of my fellow New Yorkers have had to be so strong during literally hell on earth for them.

And then I realized that not only is it a bit weird, but also a bit scary. Because I'm going to be down there, literally on ground zero on the tenth anniversary. And the media (which I know exaggerates to no extent), is talking about how there is going to be another attack tomorrow. After the Earthquake and Hurricane Irene, I know that I should take what the media says with a grain of salt. But it's still a bit unnerving to know that with all the warnings, tons of subways shut down, and roads completely shut off, that I somehow have to still get to work.

But that's what we should do, right? Not be scared. Not let these assholes who attacked us ten years ago to change our lives. So that's what I'll be doing today and tomorrow. I'm going to go to work like normal (even though I'll have to walk a shitload out of my way), be reverent to those who never could have imagined their fate on that horrible day, and be respectful to my country by leading my life like normal.

But we all know it won't be normal. We've all been affected by this. My ex had to stand by as a National Guardsmen at the Pentagon while burning bodies were pulled out. My current had to live in an apartment that smelled like burning bodies for three months. None of this is normal. I can't imagine how those who lost people have gotten by in the past ten years. But we shouldn't forget the affect that the terrorist attacks had on everyone. On humanity. No one should have to go through that. No one.

I'll be praying for everyone even though I don't necessarily believe in a higher power. But I'll still be praying. Just in case. And I'll be sending positive thoughts to everyone in NYC and DC tomorrow (today technically). I love you my fellow New Yorkers. I respect you even more.

Peace and Love,

E

Meh

2011-09-09T05:17:00.005-04:00

I woke up suddenly and can't go back to sleep. I think it's a combo of a lot of things. Particularly an awful "casting" I went to today. I use the word casting lightly because I'm pretty sure it was just some young dude on a power trip who didn't actually have anything to cast. The way he was talking to the girls in front of me was awful. I almost left. I should have left. But I "interviewed" anyway and wouldn't let him break me down like he did the others. And he did not like that. Nope not at all. I'm not even going to go into the awful things he said to me.

I'm so tired of this lifestyle. I just want a peaceful life. My soul is getting too old and wary to continue living my life like I'm still 25.

Because I'm not anymore.

I just don't want any drama in my life. I want to somehow exterminate all the fake assholes in this business that waste our time just because they know they can get a bunch of pretty girls into a room if they hold a "casting." And I want my freaking ankle to heal. It's been a month since I sprained it and it's absolutely killing me now. I want to be able to wear heels again. And I'm tired of living in a tiny crappy dust and cat hair filled apartment that feels like it's going to collapse with every truck that drives by. I want a house. I want a yard. I want a garden that I can grow fresh vegetables in.

Ok, I know I'm just whining now. I'm usually a glass filled half way kinda gal, but this morning I feel a big load of emotional crap.

Meh.

Just Another Monday in the Life of E

2011-09-05T09:05:00.004-04:00

I woke up in a great mood at 8am this morning. I'm not sure if anyone can understand how monumental this is. A: because I haven't woken up before 10 in . . . wow, I don't even know. It's been awhile. B: Because I am not a morning person and pretty much want to punch cute furry things in the face every time I wake up. So I am happy to report that today is different. Perhaps it's the change in season. God knows it wasn't any kind of amazing weekend. I haven't had such an isolating weekend in ages. The friends and the boy were all busy working or playing with others. I worked for a few hours both days (Ok, ok, I can't say it was that boring. I did get to host a beautiful wine tasting in the backyard of a Williamsburg wine store AND I got to host a wine tasting on a boat). But I was lonely. I know, I know, go cry about it. Everyone gets lonely. But the roommates been gone for a week and with M in Austin and everyone else being busy bees, well I've had to make fun for myself. Normally, this would lead me to bars and books, and random encounters making new friends. But to be honest, I haven't really felt like drinking lately and I'm a bit sick of the same scene all the time.

So, left to my own devices, I got some studying done and starting playing the piano again. I recently brought a keyboard back to the city from my hometown and though it's not anything like having a real piano, it's better than nothing. But incredibly frustrating. Because I used to be good and now I can barely remember songs I used to rock out to at recitals. But it all takes practice. It's the same with my singing. I tell everyone about how I used to be good and then get a faraway gleam in my eye implying that I miss it more than anything in the world. Well suck it up E! Yeah, it's gonna suck for awhile and be frustrating as hell in the beginning because you know you're not playing up to your true potential, but practice makes perfect. And as the band teacher of my highschool always said, "Perfect practice makes perfect." So all I can do is keep on at it.

On a more serious note, (and I can't believe this is the THIRD time I've had to bring this up in my blog) I do not understand why so many people misuse the internet. There is a such thing as being socially responsible both with yourself and with others. Now I don't necessarily fall into the first category. I am known to occasionally over-share in this venue after all. But I over-share about MYSELF. I choose to tell or vent only about me. I would never ever tell a friend's secrets on a blog. Opinions? Fine. I totally gotcha. Use me as an example? Go ahead. But posting details and one particular secret that no one else knows? Too far, my friend. Too far. And don't give me the excuse that no one reads your blog. Get a statistic counter and you'd be surprised. I have people from all around the world reading this thing. And if it's your diary? Then make the entries private.

Anyway, I'm not about to get into some kind of blog war. I'm not mad at anyone, just disappointed in the misuse that society continues to perpetuate on this venue. I remember the days when the worst thing you could do was gossip on the phone. Now with the internet, we have kids committing suicide because of online bullying, friendships being torn apart (oh yes, I've seen it happen), and worst of all finding out a loved one has passed away via the internet. Just use your brain people. Think, "could this possibly hurt someone other than myself?" If the answer is yes, then perhaps you should rethink posting. And if you have to get it out? THEN MAKE THAT SHIT PRIVATE.

Had to get that out. I think I'll watch the morning news now (people do that at this hour right?) and then get ready to go work on a boat. I haven't been trained on how to open yet and I'm going to be the only one there so this should be interesting. I'm sure I'll get through it. And then I suppose I'll come home and play the keyboard some more before making it another early night. Guess I'm growing up after all.

Peace and Love,

E

PS- Speaking about being socially irresponsible, the news is the worst culprit of all. But I could write an essay on that so its just going to have to wait for another day :)

Fall Fun

2011-09-04T13:52:00.004-04:00

I don't know what it is about Fall that makes me feel so incredibly motivated and able to GSD. (If you haven't heard me use this acronym before, it stands for Getting Shit Done, which I kindly stole from fellow blogger and good friend The New Glitterati). Actually, of course I know. It goes back to ye ole school days when September meant school supplies and clothing shopping only to then have to delve into a dreaded new textbook.

This year is no different. Ok, that's a lie. It's a bit different because I'm too poor to buy myself and new clothes (and let's be honest here, I have waaay too many as it is), and I'm not enrolled in any kind of school. This Fall however, to keep on track, which is sometimes difficult to do as a freelancer, I will be enrolling myself in the school of E. That's right folks. But instead of studying Physics, Communication, and dissecting cute little animals in Biology, I will be studying scripts, burlesque, and cocktail making.

It's 2pm on a Sunday afternoon and I already have a bunch of index cards made. Go me. And now I need to go get ready to work on a boat. . . .

Because having weird jobs is most definitely a prerequisite in the school of E.

Happy Fall Everyone. It's gonna be a good one. I can feel it in my bones :)

xx

Oh, and PS- Last night I finally got to see a kick ass film that I did a couple years ago. It's a comedy. And I'm FUNNY! Like seriously rolling on the floor funny. . . ok, you may have to be slightly under some kind of influence for it to be THAT funny, but we were laughing so hard that I thought I was going to crack a rib again. Ahhh, after a year of unnecessary drama it feels great to be focusing on myself again. :D

Trailer

2011-08-21T12:08:00.003-04:00

I don't normally post my work on here (or anything with my face since this blog is semi-anonymous) but I'm really excited about this film that I'm shooting this Fall. We shot the trailer already for fundraising so if you or anyone you know is in a position to donate we would all be eternally grateful. This is the first film I've been really excited about in awhile.

Check out the trailer here.

All Smiles

2011-08-19T18:14:00.006-04:00

Last. Night. Was. Incredible.

You know that amazing full body rush you get when you fall in love for the first time? That's the feeling I had after my burlesque show last night. It was the first piece that I choreographed and made my own costume for, so at first it was scary and thrilling. And then just thrilling. Afterwards I felt so elated, euphoric, heady, and high off of life. I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. I am so happy and thankful that I found this new venture in life and ridiculously excited for my future with it.

I've come a long way in the past six months. Life in NYC can be hard but with a great support system, drive, and passion you can do almost anything you set your mind to.

Happiness.

Grandma

2011-08-13T01:46:00.003-04:00

For some reason my sheets smell like my Grandma's house tonight. Like my summers in Detroit. I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, she did that on purpose. To let me know she's still around. And to remind me of the fact that fairytale romances (like that of my Grandpa and her) still exist.

Thanks Grandma S. I wish I could still talk to you.

"Bad Liver And A Broken Heart"

2011-08-13T00:53:00.003-04:00

Well I got a bad liver and broken heart, yeah,
I drunk me a river since you tore me apart
And I don't have a drinking problem, 'cept when I can't get a drink
And I wish you'd a-known her (him) , we were quite a pair,
She (He) was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer
So welcome to the continuing saga, she (he) was my better half, and I was just a dog

And so here am I slumped, I've been chipped and I've been chumped on my stool

So buy this fool some spirits and libations, it's these railroad station bars
And all these conductors and porters, and I'm all out of quarters
And this epitaph is the aftermath, yeah I choose my path, hey, come on

He's a lawyer, he ain't the one for ya
No, the moon ain't romantic, it's intimidating as hell,
And some guy's trying to sell me a watch
And so I'll meet you at the bottom of a bottle of bargain Scotch
I got me a bottle and a dream, it's so maudlin it seems,
You can name your poison, go on ahead and make some noise
I ain't sentimental, this ain't a purchase, it's a rental, and it's purgatory,
And hey, what's your story, well I don't even care
'Cause I got my own double-cross to bear

And I'll see your Red Label, and I'll raise you one more,

And you can pour me a cab, I just can't drink no more,
'Cause it don't douse the flames that are started by dames,
It ain't like asbestos
It don't do nothing but rest us assured,
And substantiate the rumors that you've heard

- TOM WAITS

Foul Play

2011-08-12T21:17:00.002-04:00

I've been staring at my screen for the past 15 minutes trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words. But it's impossible. I feel too much. I think too much. I say too much. And I hurt too much. I'm emotionally drained. And I just wish it could all be fixed with the wave of a magic wand.

I wish I wasn't such a dreamer.

Riots

2011-08-09T11:10:00.003-04:00

What is wrong with people?! I can't believe what I'm hearing about the riots in London right now. I guess it's more surprising because it makes you think about how quickly it could happen here.

Check out these photos. They'll give you chills: London Riot Photos

Thrill

2011-08-07T12:50:00.002-04:00

I need a motorcycle. Not want. Need. I rode on the back of one last night and it was . . . words can't even describe it. It was unimaginable, incredible, breathtaking, thrilling . . . no, no none of those will do. I've never experienced such a full body thrill like this before.

The wind flowing through my hair and gently caressing my skin . . . speeding down the road with nothing between me and the atmosphere . . .

Ok, so basically I can survive off of acting, modeling, promotions, and the boat for the next few months (until the boat goes out of season). But I'm going to need to find another job to get some extra cash for my motorcycle. Because I've never wanted a physical object so bad in my life.

This motorcycle is going to be my hobby, my love, my life, and my soulmate. I'm going to marry this motorcycle and he/she and I are going to travel the countryside together.

I have to make this happen.

Betrayal

2011-08-06T12:54:00.003-04:00

Something has been nagging at me for a month now. I wasn't quite sure what it was until it hit me like a lightning bolt this morning. I have been harvesting a deep feeling of strong dislike and betrayal from a girl I thought was my friend. I held this women's secrets when she asked me to, I was there for her when she was so drunk she couldn't walk, I listened to her mega boy drama for hours and then she told the one secret I had to the one person I never wanted to know. And then she snubbed me the next time I saw her.

And she never apologized.

I'm not sure why I've let this get to me so much. I have AMAZING friends and am so lucky to have all the love I have in my life so what is one girl who was never one of my besties anyway?

I guess it's more of a self-disappointment for being too trusting in the first place. Not everyone is going to like me and not everyone is going to hold your secrets just because you hold theirs. Like one of my real besties says, "You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. And that's ok!" Maybe I just need to focus on giving more to the ones I love and saving some from the semi-friends I have.

And damnit, I am a good person! I help old ladies across the street, I volunteer at an animal shelter, I listen to anyone who needs to talk, I work my ass off in this city I moved to without knowing a soul, I believe in light and love and hippie dippie peace, and yes I sometimes make stupid mistakes. But it sucks when people spread around those mistakes and not the good.

That's not love. Love should be unconditional.

So, Miss Immatellyoursecretsandneverapologize, I'm sending you light and love and letting it go.

Letting it go . . . It feels good.

Jobs jobs jobs

2011-07-15T15:39:00.003-04:00

I think it's hilarious that about every 4 months I get hired to improv with a group of guys at a seminar and give them relationship advice. And I get paid pretty decent to do it. I'm great at a billion other things that I can't seem to make any money off of and the one thing that I completely suck at (the relationship part, not the improv), I get paid for? I'm pretty sure Alanis would find this ironic.

Anyway, guess I'm back to having a bunch of random jobs again. Right now I'm an assistant casting director on a film, acting in a film, dancing, hosting a wine sail, project managing for the sailing company, and then doing random things like telling men what to say to women in order to be in successful relationships. These poor men are going to be alone forever.

C'est la vie. I'm trying to escape everything for a few days next week and go camping. Fingers crossed it works out! I could use a welcome break in the wilderness.

Oh, and an aerial instructor of mine just got arrested for doing a piece off the Williamsburg bridge. This is my second instructor to be arrested. The first was my environmental theatre professor in Ireland. No wonder I'm crazy. These are the people I admire and learn from. . . or maybe it's just that I surround myself with risk takers who aren't afraid to live life. Yeah. I like that option better :)

Sparkle On

2011-07-12T17:28:00.003-04:00

It's amazing how much your life can change in a week. A week ago I was slightly freaking out about jobs, my future, and basic life issues that girls in New York City tend to freak out about.

But this week? This week has been so amazing! I had a great performance last night, am becoming more involved with the boat (well, fingers crossed on that one- I have a meeting tomorrow), and just got offered to do my first paid solo dance piece! Ahhhhhhh!!!!! I'm so excited!! Instead of focusing my energy on finding another bar job, I focused it in my field of art and entertainment and everything is coming together! (Again, knock on some wood for me.) I mean, let's be honest. I shouldn't be working in a bar anyway. I get too into the nightlife and end up not being productive during the day. Not to mention the fact that I hate drunk annoying people.

I've also given up on romantic relationships which has given me more time to focus on myself. I'm sure from the tone of my blogs over the past few months it's obvious that I'm not over my ex. And instead of hoping things change, and wishing, and dreaming, and wasting energy on being angry and still missing him . . . well I'm just accepting that the whole situation sucks but there's nothing I can do about it. I don't think I'll ever get over this man but at a certain point you have to throw your hands up in the air and realize that it's not up to you. That the universe decides these things. It feels good to focus on getting myself together for once. So. No dating for E for the next 6 months. At least.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. The point of this entry is that things are suddenly going well. Like better than I expected. These opportunities suddenly just fell into my lap (after some hard work) and I'm scooping them up. And now I'm going to go to the store and cook myself some dinner before going to a show tonight. Apparently I cook when I'm happy. I'm liking this :)

Oh and from spending so much time going to and participating in shows I am pretty much always covered in glitter. My childhood dream of having glitter skin is finally coming true!

Lobsters

2011-07-08T03:41:00.002-04:00

I told my ex that he was my lobster last night. And I really thought he was. When I look into his eyes and feel him in my arms . . . well, I feel like I'm home.

But here's the thing. I just found out that lobsters don't mate for life. In fact, there is usually a line of female lobsters outside of the dominant male lobster's den just waiting to get it on. When it's the next female lobster's turn, she lures him out of his den by releasing pheromones. When he gets out of his den, she continues to do this by pissing on him. That's right folks. She pees on him and he finds it sexy. Then he brings her into his shack and she actually sheds her outer shell for him. At this point if he likes her he will very gently make love to her. If he doesn't like her though, or if she does something to piss him off . . . Well then folks? Then he eats her. Like, for dinner.

Sounds about right. I feel like I got eaten for dinner.

Adele. Set Fire to the Rain

2011-07-07T11:44:00.000-04:00

"I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you're here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught, must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watch it pour as I touch your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time
The last time, oh, oh!

Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn"

PS

2011-07-05T17:37:00.002-04:00

Sometimes there are more important things to blog about then just selfishly writing about my own little life. I don't know how many people have already heard about this, but my friend's Uncle, John Klusmire is the captain of the US Ship, "The Audacity of Hope." On Friday, the ship was scheduled to leave for Gaza for The Freedom Flotilla. Greek officials prevented the ship from leaving and declared that any ship with foreign or Greek flags would be prohibited from leaving. They then arrested my friend's Uncle. All of this is completely illegal and spits in the face of humanity. The captain has since been released, however there are concerns of him getting his piloting license back which is his livelihood. AND they still won't release the ship to freely sail to Gaza.

Please call and keep the pressure on the U.S. State Department. The more people who call, the more likely it is that they'll do something. Here is what my friend suggests saying:

Let them know you want them to help secure the release of the U.S. Boat to Gaza. Tell them you expect the U.S. government to support the right if its citizens to sail freely to Gaza.

State Department general number: 202-647-4000 – ask for the Overseas U.S. Citizen Services Duty Officer and you’ll get a live State Dept. official who has to hear you out.

Please do this guys. Sometimes it feels like one person isn't going to make a difference in the world, but you can. Step it up and participate.

Here's a link to an article if you want to read more: http://www.palestinemonitor.org/?p=991 or go to http://www.freegaza.org/

Thanks everyone.

- E

Ch Ch Ch Changes . . .

2011-07-05T17:07:00.003-04:00

Respect. All I ever wanted from my job was some sort of mutual respect.

I quit last night. I was screamed at by one of the owners in front of everyone in a very unprofessional/un-humane way and I had had enough. I finished my shift by smiling and pushing through the next 9 hours and then calmly told one of the other owners that I would not be returning. It sucks because I actually liked that place and I put a lot of heart into it. I swear it was like a breakup. There were tears. I even uttered the phrase, "I hope we can still be friends."

I've been working since I was 14 years old and have never quit a job without giving two weeks notice and having an amicable split. So this kind of blows. Whatever. Yeah it was a cool place that's totally blowing up in the cocktail world but that's not necessarily a world I want to be involved in. It's kind of snobby and pretentious to be honest. I'd rather work in a dive bar.

Anyway, so after I cleared out my locker and left for good, I walked down the street, turned the corner and CRACKLE BOOM WEEEEEEE! Fireworks. It was after all, the 4th of July. And I immediately knew I made the right decision. The first thought that popped into my head was FREEDOM!

This is for the best, it really is. I can focus more on acting and dancing now and doing things that I want to be doing instead of getting drinks spilled on me for over 40 hours a week. The big problem from here on out is money. Le sigh. The nightmares about not being able to pay rent are going to return.

The life of a NYC artist. No one ever said it would be easy.

E

Busy Bee Takes a Break

2011-06-28T00:20:00.002-04:00

Ugh. Being sick in the summer sucks. Bronchitis sucks. Antibiotics suck. Codeine laced cough syrup is pretty cool though :) Silver lining people, silver lining. I've been working so hard lately on a variety of projects and at the bar so it's no wonder I wore myself rugged. We had a kick ass New York Times review and the place has been insanely busy ever since. I'm also working on producing a burlesque program on a boat that holds 150 people which I'm super excited about. I like being in control of things, lol. Oh, and I'm about to start taking a burlesque class with one of New York's original dancers. And I got new headshots and had a fashion shoot. And am planning another shoot with the photographer to submit to magazines. Yeah, I've been busy.

The wine tasting I do every Sunday keeps getting better and better. I never feel more light-hearted and part of the earth as I do when I'm sailing around the city with the wind in my hair and the taste of seabreeze on my lips. It's literally the best job I've ever had. For a split second when I'm sailing, nothing back on the island of nyc matters anymore. It's just pure life. We're all connected to each other. There is no more hate, only love. It's pure bliss.

Well since I took the evening off because of my death cough, I'm going to lay down with an awesome book and cuddle with my kitties who I've been neglecting lately.

I think the codeine is starting to get to me :) Nighty night world.

Lovable Boy

2011-06-25T12:46:00.003-04:00

Does your Life excite you, you Lovable boy?
All the Drinking, the girls, the smoke screen dreams?
Do you like how you treat everyone like a new shiny toy?
And then bask in the thrill of hearing their screams?

Oh Boy, you're running out of all your juice
Soon you will fade and wilt like the rest
To be left alone in your self abuse
Because though the potential was there . . .
You will never be one of the best.

I've been reading Eileen Myles, "Inferno" right now and have been so inspired. Granted my poetry lacks a lot but it's fun to play around with another form of expression :)

Loving Life

2011-06-23T13:09:00.002-04:00

I'm loving life today. A lot. With all the ups, the downs, the craziness, the messes, the cleanups, the successes, the failures, the laughter, and the tears. I'm loving it all. I know I say this a lot but I am so thankful for everyone I have and have had in my life. Those who were just passerbys for a brief moment in time and those who I know I'll have for a lifetime.

Aw look, I'm getting all mushy. I'm such a girl. Have a brilliant Thursday everyone. I know I will :)

I Love Adele

2011-06-20T23:44:00.001-04:00

"The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,
Rolling in the deep,
You had my heart inside your hand,
And you played it to the beat . . . "

Gone

2011-06-20T13:03:00.002-04:00

In another's arms closing her eyes
If She squeezes them shut hard enough . . .
maybe, just maybe for one moment
She'll think it's Him.

But everyone has to open their eyes eventually
And when She does it hurts even more.
Because even though he's a constant presence in her mind
A spirit that still haunts her dreams
He's gone for good in her life.

And no amount of arms can make that go away.

X-Men

2011-06-06T01:03:00.001-04:00

"All your life the worlds tried to take you. It's time to be free."

Yes, I'm quoting the new X-Men. No judgment.

PS- I've had the most amazing week and am so grateful for all the positive people in my life. Seriously, love you guys. A lot.

Couldn't Have Said it Better

2011-06-02T09:16:00.000-04:00

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

Bed of Nails

2011-05-31T11:47:00.002-04:00

I laid on a bed of nails in Coney Island last week.

Yes, a bed of nails. And I loved it. I used to dream about joining the circus and read books that featured the famous Freak Bar in one of the oldest circus communities in the country.

And then . . . I got to perform there. Well, not really perform. I'm new to this whole community so I have to pay my dues, but I was a stage kitten for an amazing show. (stage kitten= stage manager as in setting up props and the like.) It was indescribable. I was in awe of the performances and felt lucky to even share the same dressing room with such talent.

Well there you have it folks. I'm making moves. Working at a kick ass bar 45 hours a week, in charge of a wine program where I get paid to sail around the city and talk about wine every Sunday, staring in an awesome film at the end of the summer, and laying in beds of nails whenever I get a free second.

I love life. And I should mention in here that I have the best friends that a girl could have. Mmmwaaaah everyone!

Skies Above

2011-05-30T00:34:00.002-04:00

"Wise men say only fools rush in
Oh, but I can´t help falling in love with you

Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be."

I remember listening to this at my Grandma and Grandpa's 50th anniversary. They were magical. They had a fairytale romance. One so great that I won't even post it on the internet because it's too special. Only the people closest to me know it. I recently thought I had that too . . . but it's ok. At least I know it's out there. After all, I was a first hand witness. Even if I was really young and sang a solo piece entitled, "Where is Love?" Yes, that's right. From Oliver. I was always a weirdly artistic child.

"Where is love?
Does it fall from skies above?
Is it underneath the willow tree
That I've been dreaming of?"

I hope so.

Top 12

2011-05-26T12:23:00.003-04:00

Esquire Magazine named my bar Top 12 in the country. It's a huge honor considering we've only been open since February. Would it be presumptuous of me to say that since I served them when they came in, that would make me one of the top 12 servers in the country? Possibly, but sometimes we need to be a little presumptuous in a world that constantly tries to bring you down.

Anywoo, I've been crazy busy lately with work, castings, the boat sail (I'm in charge of the wine program now on the boat I worked on last year. I get to drink wine, talk to people, and sail around the city. Hands down best job I've ever had), and burlesque lately. I've finally found myself with a whole day off and am excited to finally run some errands and then take my lil ole self over to the park with a good book.

Life's been weird lately. But then again mine's never been especially normal. Just taking it all in day by day and trying to bring a little light into other people's lives.

Thanks for reading friends :)

Lisbeth Salandar is My Hero

2011-05-09T13:19:00.002-04:00

I had such an amazing weekend. Busy with about a total of five hours sleep, but amazing. Had a great night with my girls Friday night, went on a beer tasting sail and got a bunch of errands done on Saturday. Worked Saturday night til 4am and then found myself surrounded by a campfire listening to people sing. Planned and implemented a wine sail on Sunday, fell asleep in a bunk on the boat after working on it, and shot the final scene of the movie I've been shooting over the course of the past five months.

Yep, I got a lot done. The final scene of the film last night was the hardest yet. It was an attack scene that was pretty emotional. I thought it was going to get to me a bit but because I got to kick the bad guys ass in the end it actually felt pretty empowering. And I have to give a shout out to "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" and the rest of the books in the series, because when I was kicking ass last night I was totally channeling Lisbeth Salandar.

Ok, off to work and another busy week ending in a trip to a winery in PA for a friend's wedding. Yay! I'm so happy it's Spring :)

E

In the Pursuit of Truth

2011-05-01T13:10:00.003-04:00

I could have stayed. . . The air, the gentle but trying breeze, the sweat moistening my face trickling down my neck and sticking to my dress, the music so powerful that I don't have words for, the feeling of completely raw life, smiling for three hours straight, crying and laughing through the tears . . .

Wednesday night made it into the top 15 best nights of my life.

I could have stayed . . . but T looked me in the eyes and told me it was time to stop running away. And it is. Running away has moved me from Maryland to Ireland to France to LA and to NYC. I've had a lot of adventures. But at some point I need to face the truth. So I find myself on a Sunday afternoon writing this back in Brooklyn.

But I will never forget that night. A show so amazing that it was life changing. . . Any words I have for it could never come close to doing it justice.

Always Satisfied

2011-04-25T13:33:00.002-04:00

A root of an equation is a number which substituted into the equation instead of an unknown converts the equation into an identity. The root is said to satisfy the equation. Solving an equation implies finding all of its roots. An equation that is always satisfied, no matter the choice of values for its unknowns, is called an identity.

B.S.

2011-04-25T00:54:00.003-04:00

BS BS BS BS
BS
BS BS BS
BS
B.
S.
BBBBB
SSSSSSSSS

BS

B.S.

That's all I have to say about everything right now. Everything. Let's just all do each other a favor and be real in friendships, relationships, and jobs . . . yeah? You down? Ok cool. I'm on board. Unfortunately I don't think the rest of Brooklyn is. Whateves. I'm off to explore New Orleans in two days. Beyond excited to go.

And what would happen if I just stayed?

. . .

Untitled

2011-04-04T13:37:00.003-04:00

Having to leave someone you love who has an addiction is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Without going through too many details here of the past 9 months of my life . . . let's just say I'm filled with fillings or guilt mixed with false hope. I always thought that people who left loved ones in the midst of an addiction was horribly mean and selfish. But now I understand. Now I get that sometimes you have to save the only person you can. Yourself. Because otherwise you'll be dragged right down with them. Anyway, I know most of you have no clue what I'm talking about but I just needed to write it out. . . woooo . . . breathe . . .

In other news, I've been acting and dancing a lot lately. My cabaret troupe is really taking off and I'm proud and thankful to be a part of it. Last night I shot a Victoria's Secret spec commercial which was fun. Although to be honest I've been finding all these acting roles a bit boring lately. I need something good and juicy. Ha, what I really need is a script that can hold the kind of intensity of my actual life.

I'm not sure at what point my real life became more intense and insane than my acting life. But I would like to work on switching that back for awhile.

E

Dead Bunny Cabaret

2011-03-24T14:18:00.004-04:00

Glitter, dance, expression, art. Last night was amazing. I have recently shifted a bit of focus from acting to dance and I am so in love. I never thought that I would find anything I loved more than acting but I have. Dance and aerial. They are just other types of performance but it's something I never dreamed of doing and I'm having the time of my life. Thank you so much to the Dead Bunnies, the House of Yes, and everyone who has loved and supported me in this new venture. I've never been so happy in New York and I can't wait to see where all of this goes. And yes Mom, I know I'm semi nude in this photo, but it's just another form of glorious expression :) I bet Grandma wouldn't call my boobs little egg yolks anymore if she was around to see this :)

Thank you everyone for your love and support!

xx,
E

Spring is Almost Here!

2011-03-17T15:59:00.003-04:00

It's almost Spring. So happy. Don't have words. Seriously though, it is absolutely gorgeous outside today. I had a beautiful walk to rehearsal this morning and am so excited for our awesome Burlesque show next Wednesday at Crash Mansion (woo woo!). And scared as hell because I might be performing a solo piece for the first time. Ahhhh! EXCITEMENT!!!!

In other news, tomorrow will be my last day of filming a project that I've been working on for the past three months. It's a pretty traumatic scene, so though I'm glad to be acting, it's going to be difficult. But it'll feel good to wrap the project up.

Ok, sorry for the short entry. I was super excited to finally have a day off and watch Oprah but now she's making me cry. Damn Oprah.

:D

Oh, and I guess because of my heritage I should wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day! I will not be joining the hoards of drunks in the city. I will be having much more fun watching a silks variety show in the BK. You should too if you're around!

xx

Oyster Mania!

2011-02-12T13:52:00.003-05:00

I. am. officially. obsessed. with. oysters. I am so glad that I'm working at this oyster bar. If you've been a long time blog follower here then you know my obsession with crabbing. Being from Maryland, I have an innate love for everything sea, old bay, and crab. I go crabbing every summer and even made a short film about it. There is nothing in the world like the feeling of catching your own food and then eating the succulent meat just a few hours later. It's amazing. I've always said that if I wasn't an actor I'd be a crab-(wo)man. And now . . . now I get to explore the wonderful world of oysters. I read books, do tastings, and watch the shuckers with fascination every night I work. I can't wait to one day pull oysters out of the ocean and shuck them myself. Yumm.

Also learning a ton about Absinthe. Love it.

Off to go do an acting gig where I improv with men who are learning how to hit on women . . . I have the oddest jobs, lol.

Mmmwaaah! Have a wonderful weekend blog readers! ♥

2011 . . . You Make Me Happy

2011-02-05T13:22:00.005-05:00

Oh dear blog, I have been neglecting you. My deepest apologies. So many wonderful things have been happening in this glorious new year that I have not had a second to breathe it all in and write it all down. Until I got knocked unconscious by the flu. I guess that's life's way of saying, "Hey E! We know you're super excited about this new era, but take it a bit more slow. Stop and smell the roses." So, here we go.

I had an amazing night last Friday. It was the premier of a film that I had a leading role in, which screened at Tribeca cinemas. Now, let me preface this by saying that I've done over 25 indie films while here in NYC, over half of which have had official screenings, and many of which have made it onto IMDB. That in anyone else's eyes may hold a certain amount of success, but to be honest . . . and I hope I'm not hurting anyone's feelings here . . . to be honest, I haven't been proud of any of them. This has more to do with me than it does with the actual product. I am my own worst critic and can pick apart my performance faster than termites can destroy the foundation of a small shack.

Which is why Friday was so amazing. My plus one had to work so I brought one of my best friends instead, which turned out to be more fun than I imagined. We dolled ourselves up while sipping on orange flavored vodka at my place, hurridly jumped into a cab, and made our way to Tribeca. We got there with one minute to spare, bought some popcorn (because there is nothing that makes you feel more officially like a movie star than eating popcorn while watching yourself on the big screen), and found the only two seats left . . . right in the front row.

Now I usually have a tendency to giggle every time my character comes onscreen during these premiers, but I gotta say that I was pretty tame this time. I was so impressed with the movie and actually (gasp) proud of my performance that I felt myself drawn into the storyline as opposed to criticizing everything. Us actors spend so much time dogging ourselves and overcompensating for our wishy-washy self esteems, that it felt right to start out the new year with such a positive experience. Because let's face it, acting is fucking hard. Living in a cold city of over 15 million people with no family and nothing to separate you from the thousands of other beautiful talented people can certainly wear you down. Which is why we need to take these small moments of success and bask in them. We work f'ing hard. Might as well enjoy the small moments that make it all worth it.

And thanks to my bestie for being such a proud mamma :)

In other news, I decided that I was a little tired of being poor so I got a job at a classy, adorable oyster bar in my neighborhood. I'm super excited about it because we're all opening it together so it feels more like a project than a serving job. Oh, and I've decided that I want to open a pie shop/whiskey bar one day. Although, I'm giving up whiskey for lent this year. I also want to get my production company up and running, get new headshots, start freelancing with a couple more agents, update my comp cards and website . . . . ok, ok, I'll slow down. One step at a time. First official night at the oyster bar tonight :)

Breathing in the new year and loving every moment.

The Animal Lady

2011-01-24T22:07:00.005-05:00

The high today in NYC was 17 degrees. With the wind chill (which until a few years ago I still thought was called wind "shield" . . . don't ask. I thought it had something to do with how fast the wind hit a car's wind shield when you were going 60 miles per hour. I don't know where my mind comes up with these things,) it felt like 2 degrees. Yes, you read that correctly. TWO degrees. I woke up, looked at the weather, and immediately thought about all the poor dogs that are in a shelter in my neighborhood that needed walking. I knew that most of the volunteers would probably cancel due to the weather, so I put on my warmest sweater and my furriest boots and trekked the 25 minutes to the shelter. Thank goodness I did because the shelter desperately needed people.

The first dog I walked was the sweetest little . . . uh, I don't know what type. Horrible with names. Well, he was just the sweetest little guy. I took him on an hour walk which included a lap around a park. When we got to the park I let him play in the snow for awhile because he was just the happiest most giddy kid ever. He acted like he had never seen snow before and was so excited. And then it happened.

I let go of the leash.

Completely by accident. I'm still not sure how it happened but OMG. My heart hasn't pounded that hard in a long time. As Max went crazy, unleashed and free in the snow at last, superhero E took over. I couldn't let this guy get away. He could get hit by a car. He could end up back on the streets. He might never find his forever home. I flung the poop bags on the ground and ran through that snow like I've never run before. "Max! Maaaaaaax!" Looking back, I must have looked like a crazed schizophrenic person. I felt my knees about to buckle when he stopped and looked back at me with a little smirk. And then he kept running. He's a fast little guy. I finally got to him and collapsed in a heap on top of him. Half relief and half exhaustion. I then proceeded to cup his face in my hands for the next five minutes saying over and over again, "Max, never do that to me again! I was so scared! I thought I lost you forever!"

That was dog number one. I had only spent an hour with the furry guy and already wanted to adopt him. I watched longingly as he was put back in his kennel when they brought the next two out. They were really small. The girl was named Edith and the boy was named Max. They've been together for 12 years, and when I say been together, I mean been together. As in, they were just in the newspaper because they just got married on Saturday. By a priest. Only in New York.

Well, Archie was fine walking around but poor little Edith was a hot mess. She hated all the loud city noises and was freezing her little paws off in the snow. Eventually I picked her up, wrapped my scarf around her, and carried her the rest of the way.

That was dog number two. And I wanted to adopt her and her handsome husband as well. Volunteering at the shelter is going to be such a rewarding experience. But I am going to have to be very very careful not to become one of those people who have animals in every nook and cranny of their apartment. Forget cat lady. I'll be the animal lady.

Oh, and PS- little Archie and Edith have had a lot of drama as of late. A crazy dog napper actually kidnapped poor little Edith just a little while ago! This was the fifth dog that this lady supposedly kidnapped so she's in biiiig trouble with the law now. That's what she gets for trying to tear true love apart!

Three Can Have a Secret if Two of Them are Dead

2011-01-11T22:22:00.003-05:00

Human behavior fascinates me. Take liars for example. Now, I'm not talking about people who say little white lies in order to spare someone else's feelings. I think we've all done that at least once in our lives. No, I'm talking about people who flat out weave and spin stories so much that there is no longer an ounce of truth from the original event.

What I don't understand about these people though, is aren't they afraid of how they're going to look when the truth does comes out? Isn't that kinda where the phrase, "take it with a grain of salt," comes from? I mean, some lies can be so grandiose that I'm surprised anyone believes them in the first place. Then again, you're talking to one of the most gullible people in the world (no really, ask my brothers and dad- they sure had a hell of a good time pulling pranks on me when I was a kid ;) ), so I can't blame people for believing things too easily. Liars are like blogs on the internet. You just never know when to believe if what they're saying in credible.

This whole thing has got me thinking though. Why is it that people lie? My theory: Self preservation. When people distort the truth to others, it's to try to convince themselves that it is indeed the truth to protect themselves from something. Hurt, frustration, blame, all of that. Which is why I feel sorry for those people who can't face the truth.

Then again, I'm an actress who puts on costumes and plays make-believe, so who am I to really talk? In other news, I'm happily cozied up in my apartment excitedly waiting for the big storm we're about to have. I CAN'T WAIT TO GO SLEDDING. Whatever, I don't care if I'm a little kid. I'll always love snow.

Egg Head

2011-01-06T14:16:00.003-05:00

So there I was. All dolled up and ready to go out. Where was I going you ask? Only to the annual holiday party of a popular soap opera. One of my friends from highschool had recently landed a contract role on the show and invited me to be his date. A chance to dress up and socialize with some of the best of the best? I jumped on it.

So there I am, trying to laugh at all the right moments, sprinkle conversation with my wit, and look glamorous when it happened. Let me preface this by saying, you can't take me anywhere. I was dancing with one of the other actors and for some reason we thought it would be a wise idea to do some 80's lifts. Bad idea in real life. Even a worse idea in a tight black dress and 4 inch heels. Long story short:

He fell. I fell on top of him. One of us grabbed the tablecloth where the bar was set up for support. A full beer bottle fell on my forehead followed by a heavy glass. There were stares. There was exclamation. There was drama. Only I would create drama at a soap party. Not the soap actors. Nope. Just lil ole E.

I then spent the rest of the evening on the dance floor with a napkin filled with ice pressed against my head. Thank you to my wonderful friend who put a fake ice napkin on his forehead too so I wouldn't feel alone.

Yep, that happened. And I had a huge egg sized bump on my forehead to prove it. That was fun to explain to the parents when I went home for Christmas.

I'm pretty sure I deserve some kind of award for getting the most klutzy injuries of 2010.

Well you can't say I didn't make an impression! Next time I need to work on making it a "good" one, lol.

Projects

2011-01-06T14:05:00.004-05:00

There is a fine line between tough love and being a flat out bitch. Just sayin :)

Apparently I've been a bit off track in my blog as of late. So here's a quick run down of what I'm working on: I'm currently filming three awesome films (one feature, two shorts), I have a film premier of a feature I shot on January 28th (and we could really use your support- check out http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1061121371/noctambulous-feature-film), I'm putting together a hilarious comedic webseries (see post below), and am producing my own show in February.

Positive vibes people, positive vibes!

PS- I seriously have the best friends in Brooklyn.

Thank you

2011-01-05T13:16:00.002-05:00

Thank you. Thank you to the person who said he needed a break of a week or two and then never spoke to me again. Thank you to the person who lied to me about going to strip clubs and getting lap dances (like I really give a shit? I care about you lying, not about you having a night out with the boys) and then telling me the truth years later. Thank you to the person that I moved to France for who left the bar and went home with another girl right in front of me. But most of all? Thank you to the person who told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted me to have his children, and then decided to break up with me because he wanted to go fool around with a wrestler chic. And thank you to that same person who continues to send me texts saying, "I love you. So go fuck yourself. I really miss you."

Oh really? You love me? I'm pretty sure love means not saying hurtful things in the same sentence. You don't know the meaning of love. Let me remind you, my kind blog readers of what a nice little moral compass called the bible says of love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You never loved me. You just wanted to possess me. So thank you. Because you made me grow up and realize that this game of drama in relationships is something I want no part of. You fucked up. All of you. But I forgive you all. Because I'm a good person and still actually care about each and every one of you.

But most of all?

Thank you.

Because the webseries I'm going to create about all of this is going to be AWESOME.

Amelie

2010-12-27T01:29:00.002-05:00

"Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her."

This is who I want to be in 2011

It's going to be a stupendous year. That's right. Stupendous. I can feel it :D

Goodbye

2010-12-26T23:39:00.003-05:00

The snow crunches under my feet

The wind blows through the trees

The peace that surrounds me

Is of the place I used to call my own

I find a peace at last

That comes with going home

To the place I learned to love

The soil where I learned to live

Here I am sitting at night in the snow

Under the stars laying on the twigs

Wondering when the peace said Goodbye

Hoping against hope it will find me once again

So farewell my love, I bid you adieu

Because what it comes down to

Is that I was a person

You never really knew

Cheers Baby Jesus

2010-12-24T17:42:00.002-05:00

"Are there any Eucharistic Ministers present during this mass? Please? Anyone? We need someone. . . It's Christmas . . . anyone?"

Oh no. This isn't happening. There are over 300 people here and no one is stepping up to the plate? Really? Oh no. What is that? Is that my arm raising itself up to volunteer? No, stop it. Stop!

"Oh thank you so much, please come to the back."

Damn-it. What the hell did I just do?

Let me explain. I am not a very religious person. I was raised very strict Catholic but pretty much don't believe in most Catholic beliefs to this day. I am however very spiritual. I am a strong believer in energy, good people, right and wrong, laughter, good deeds, and morality. But Jesus? An infallible bible? Yeah, not so much. But when I was in highschool my Mom pretty much dragged me to Church to become a Eucharistic Minister. (A Eucharistic Minister is the person who gives out the "body and blood" of Christ, aka: bread and wine.) Why did my Mom make me do this? Here's the best part. It was my punishment for breaking into their liquor cabinet and getting wasted off of 20 year old Gin. (I still to this day can't drink Gin. It was bad. Really bad. And it involved a lot of baking, but I'll save that story for another day.)

So here I was at Christmas Mass (which my family always goes to on Christmas Eve) volunteering to give out the body and blood of a Christ I don't even necessarily believe in because I got wasted long ago in highschool. Why? Two words. Catholic Guilt. After I went into the back and got my assigned spot, I started sweating cold bullets. I, of all people should not be giving out Christ's supposed blood. I, Miss Sinner of New York City wearing my hippie Williamsburg Christmas dress with green socks and brown boots was probably the least qualified out of anyone. But no one else was volunteering to do it, so it didn't leave me much choice.

And you know what? I'm glad that I did. It was at the very least a social experiment, and at the most a good deed. Every person who came up to get the wine I was giving out (of course they would stick me with the wine) had this look in their eyes. This expression that I haven't seen in a long time. It took awhile for me to pinpoint what it was. Finally it hit me. The look was one of repentance and hope. Hope for a better world. Hope for forgiveness of sins. Hope that there is something bigger out there and Love for whatever that thing may be.

So, who am I to poo poo on someone else's beliefs? I'm not. Everyone has something they believe in. Whether it be an infallible god, energy of others, or even friends, exercise, work, or hobbies, everyone needs something. And if I got to be a part of bringing that hope into others lives for just a few minutes? Well, that just warms the deepest cockles of my heart.

Afterwards, we went back to the tabernacle where we had to dispose of the rest of the wine. After asking what we were supposed to do with the leftovers in the glass, someone responded:

"Well, it's been blessed so we can't throw it away. You have to drink the rest of it."

Cheers baby Jesus. Cheers.

2010

2010-12-20T14:41:00.002-05:00

Wow. December 20th. You sure snuck up on me. I cannot believe how jam packed with changes this past year has been. I look back, and I have to say that I'm proud to come out of it all in one piece. Moving to LA, moving back to NYC, couch surfing, forging new relationships and friendships, breaking up, breaking up, and breaking up some more. . . the number of times I apparently fell in love this past year astounds me. Then again, maybe none of it was real. Like my mom says, I'm in love with the idea of being in love. And some of the people I chose this past year . . . well let's just say I could probably fall in love with a rock if it looked at me the right way. But I did it. I made it out alive, all on my own.

It is with great pleasure that I welcome 2011. And even though I'll be working a party in the top of a hotel in Times Square that night and will probably want to murder the millions of tourist that take over my city . . . well, I'll still have a pretty big smile on my face. :D

Oh Carpe Diem

2010-12-10T13:40:00.003-05:00

One of my best friends recently told me that one of the reasons I feel so much is that everyone always says, "carpe diem, live everyday like it's your last," but that I actually do that. It's an interesting point because I recently went through some old college papers from an acting class and wrote about this very topic.

Back then, I made the point that it was impossible to live everyday like it was your last because we would end up consumed by emotion and consequences. I basically wrote that if you feel that passionately every second of everyday then you would go crazy. I'm not sure when the shift took place where I went from believing you couldn't, to actively doing it.

She's right though. There is a very fine line between living everyday like it's your last and reality. That line however, often gets very blurred. It's the reason why I fall so hard for people, it's the reason I get so happy and then so down. It's why I have no idea what's going to happen in the future (although I guess no one does, particularly artists in NYC), and am sometimes consumed by the past.

So what does this new revelation mean to me? I can't say I'm sure. I need a break from myself. I need a break from all these feelings. I'm pretty sure that if you looked up "emo" in the dictionary there would be a picture of me next to pictures of people reciting poetry in small dark venues.

So . . . I am going to try not to put so much pressure on myself to live everyday like it's my last. Because hotdamn, that gets exhausting! So today? Well today I'm just going to calmly live. And guess what? Tomorrow I will too. Because I doubt this is my last day on earth. And if it is? Well, I've already accomplished a lot in my 20 something years, so I'd be ok with that too.

Peace and Love :)

E

Top 10 Best Apartments

2010-12-04T17:36:00.004-05:00

I hate it when bars publish their own "propaganda" saying, "Rated Top 10 Nightlife Spots in the World!" Oh yeah? According to who, my friend? Because I don't see any proof except that a lot of suited up douchebags go to your bar. In lieu of this recent pet peeve, my roommate and I have decided to issue the following statement:

"The 3rd floor apartment at *** Lorimer Street, in the trendy Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is ranked in the Top 10 Best Apartments in New York City, and Top 30 Worldwide."

Take that. BOOYAH!

That's right. I now officially live in one of the best apartments in New York City. And if anyone wants to argue with me that my crappy run down apartment isn't in the top 10? Well, the proof is above. Because it says so on the internet.

E

Make Over of the Soul

2010-11-29T21:47:00.004-05:00

I. Have. Been Such. An. Idiot. Alienating my friends, not listening to advice from loved ones, obsessing like a crazy person, and whining and crying like some dumb heart broken sorority girl. What the hell have I been doing? That's so not me! That has been the past three weeks. But no more, I say! No more!

Because really, I think I seek the drama that boys bring into my life so that I don't have to think about my own issues. The fact that I don't know how to live any other life than that of a starving actress. The fact, that I'm scared I might never make it. The fact that this is the first time in years that I am truly alone. The fact that if I can't make rent next month, I have no one to lean on but myself.

This revelation has been an excellent one. I suddenly am at peace because I know what I have to do. And it all starts tomorrow when I will clean my wreck of an apartment. By Christmas I am going to be back to the funny, caring confident friend that I used to be. This is a makeover of the soul. No more dating. Focusing on me.

Awesome.

PS- If you are one of my friends I a) haven't seen and/or b) haven't listened to your advice when it's because you care about me, I am truly sorrow. I think this is the first time I've made a public apology. It's oddly unsettling. I don't like admitting I'm wrong, but there you have it.

Sleeping Well

2010-11-14T18:36:00.002-05:00

I feel a billion times better than I did a few days ago. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason and I'm actually thrilled that I'm getting up earlier every morning to pursue my dream.

Had my first day of filming today for a cool film I'm doing. It was awesome. I was even hooked up to a heart monitor for part of the time.

Screw these boys. As one of my bf's N, says, "No man should ever decide how fast your heart beats or how low it sits in your chest."

Acting is and always will remain my one and only true love. Sure, it may not always keep me warm at night, but knowing that I'm a good, loving, and passionate person who has already lived a very full life . . . well that'll certainly help me sleep :)

2010-11-10T09:13:00.002-05:00

Can't breathe.
Can't eat.
Anxiety crushing the chest.

Great things happening with Acting.
But it doesn't seem to matter as much if I can't share them with you.

I miss you . . .
Just waiting for you to change your mind . . .
Waiting for you to come back to me . . .

I fear I may be waiting in vain.

Bouncing, Not Breaking

2010-11-09T14:47:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how much your life can change in five days. Five days ago I was walking on clouds. Today, I am walking on hot coals.

Hands shaking.
Breaths shallow.
Stomach in knots.

But I will be ok. No one has ever died from a broken heart. I'll bounce back up.

And on the upside, now I don't have to shave my legs all winter and can go back to wearing comfortable grannie panties. Now I can return the cute pj's I bought to wear to Texas for Christmas. Can't return the adorable slipper sock booties though. My cats already pawed those apart.

And right now? Now, I need some time to soberly reflect on the past few days. Now, I need to be alone. I'm not going to date for a very long time. I need to be alone. I need to quell the storm in my heart. I need to stop drinking so much and bring calmness back into my life.

I had an amazing but too short relationship. I have nothing but respect for the guy I was with and wish him the greatest happiness, even if it's not with me. I guess that if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. I'm hurting now but I wouldn't take back the past three months for anything.

Thank you everyone for the kind texts and messages. I have amazing friends and I love all of you.

The Complexity of Relationships

2010-10-22T16:35:00.006-04:00

I walk a fine line on this blog of divulging too much personal information vs. being too general. My dating life since December has been absolutely soap-opera insane. Like, you can't make this shit up. I wish so much that I could share it publicly because I have a slew of hilarious stories but I have to respect other people's feelings and privacy. But suffice it to say that I went from a straight-laced military guy (wonderful person) to a hipster southern writer boy (a great guy at heart) to an indie rock band shaggy haired tattooed boy. And then there was the other writer dude and an actor boy in the mix. Oh and another southern boy too. And a few odd dates with random coffee shop boys. This may make me sound like a serial dater, but after being in a relationship for five years, I was ready to expand my horizons. I met some amazing guys. Amazing for other people, just not for me.

What bothers me though is that none of these people (except for current rocker boyfriend) are in my life anymore. I love each of them in different ways but the underlying theme is that each and every one of them were so special and important in the formation of the new E. The liberated confident E. I don't quite understand why they're not in my life anymore . . . but I guess all people can't be friends with their exes. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe everything happened too fast. Maybe I acted too psycho (well that's a definite for one of them. But I'm TOTALLY not divulging the crazy stuff I did on this blog. You'll have to wait for my tell-all biography in 20 years. And even then I might be too embarrassed to spill the crazy beans). But if I got to have a room full of everyone I love and care about, most of them would make that list.

It's a weird dynamic, that one between male and female. I mean, you don't break up with your friends and never speak to them again, right? But I guess it's difficult to go from that romantic relationship to a platonic friendship based one.

Anywoo, just some thoughts on relationships. The boy I'm dating now is the kindest/most intriguing/weirdest person I've ever met. Who knows if it will work out or if I'll end up losing another friend as time goes by.

But for true love, I'm willing to take that chance ;)

E

Sail Away

2010-10-22T15:58:00.004-04:00

Every Tuesday until this week, I got to go sailing around the city. I was working as a wine connoisseur on a boat. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Who ever would have thought that I would become a sailor in New York City? Granted, I didn't help out much (except to get out of the way of the crew), but it was mind blowing.

The stresses of living in New York City are insane. It's hard to get away from people. I used to think that every day here was a fight, but now I see it more as a gift. Your attitude towards the city determines which kind of experience you are going to have. Do you go aggressively out into the street just daring people to walk into you? Or do you leave your apartment with a smile on your face and say hi to the neighbors that you pass by?

I digress.

Regardless of your view on the city, it is still difficult to live here. Difficult financially, personally, and career-wise. This city is a prime example of the work hard/play hard mentality. So every Tuesday to me this summer was a blessing. A time where I got to forget all my worries and sail around the statue of liberty at sunset. I could hear nothing but the lap of the water on the boat and could feel nothing but the cool breeze gently caressing my face. And my mind would be cleared. All the financial worries that have plagued me all summer long would vanish. It was an amazing way to recharge each week.

Unfortunately it's a seasonal job so it's over now. Us actors take on odd odd jobs to pay the bills. And this was by far one of my favorite. But at least now when I stress out and worry about all the little things, I can go to a place mentally that will help me remember what life is really about.

Good New York Vibes

2010-10-18T20:44:00.003-04:00

It suddenly strikes me just how narcissistic blogging is. I mean, I guess the whole point of having a blog is to have an online diary, but really . . . why would I think that anyone would care about anything I have to say? Anyway, just some thoughts. It seems silly that we all care so much about the tiny details in life when there are people starving and dying from evil and war. Then again, if we didn't bask in the tiny details of our lives and if we instead dwelled on how terrible the world could be then we'd probably all sink into deep depressions and become shells of one another. And what fun would life be if we were all shells? Anyway . . . please excuse the tangent.

A couple weeks ago I was on my way to a job when a guy came onto the subway singing. Now normally, this would go almost unnoticed. It seems like there is always someone singing on the subway. Whether it's a homeless man trying to make some extra change, or if it's a barbershop quartet that you know has rehearsed for hours. But this man . . . this man was different. He had a giant smile on his face and made eye contact in a way that made your soul grin. And then it happened.

"Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow"

And then the first person joined in.

"Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on"

Two more joined.

"For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."

Six people are now singing. Including myself.

"Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on."

Half the Subway car.

"Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."

It was an amazing New York moment. In this day and age where we are bombarded with horrible news stories everyday, one person had a message. And he left a whole subway car smiling ear to ear with a whole new positive outlook on life. "Lean on me," the stranger says. Because as many bad people that there may be in the world, there sure are a heckofalotof good ones too. And that one morning on my way to a job, I happened to be in a subway car full of them.

Rainy Day Monday

2010-10-04T15:10:00.004-04:00

The past two nights I have awoken in the middle of the night, clothes soaked in cold sweat. Perhaps it is partially the change of seasons along with the knowledge that I've been slacking over the past month but the nightmares about my future become more intense every night. Money. Success. Plans. I have been very committed to living in the "now" lately, but sometimes thoughts of non-existing savings accounts, 401K's, and future career plans creep up on me and choke me until I awake gasping for air.

What am I doing here in NYC? Surviving. That's the first thought that comes to mind. Right now, I am surviving. Yes, a year ago I was doing a lot more career wise, but after all the changes in the past year, the only thing I can focus 100 percent on is just to survive. And so far . . . well I'm here, so I guess I'm accomplishing that. But it's scary. Not having a real job, living gig to gig, not doing any acting work that I truly believe in . . . it's pretty goddamn scary.

I look at the roles Hilary Swank has played in her lifetime. Everything from Boys Don't Cry to Million Dollar Baby, and I feel both inspired and defeated at the same time. Inspired, because those are the types of roles I have always wanted to play. Defeated because I'm afraid I'll never have the opportunity to shoot a script even an iota as intriguingly amazing as those. All I want is one film, just one, that I truly believe in. One script with a strong female character that I can bring to life and hopefully affect others. One character that can speak to the hearts of the viewers and change even just one person's life.

There is no formula to this business. It's one of the most unfair and unequal careers you can choose, and all of us doing it are absolutely insane. But we do it because there is nothing we love more. Because when we do get those roles we believe in, when we do get paid for our talent, when we do get to bring an inspirational character to life . . . well those are the best moments you can ask for. And the joy you feel for even a few minutes while performing is enough to outweigh the misery and uncertainty that can last a lifetime.

E

Now

2010-09-08T17:19:00.006-04:00

(Tattoo I got three months ago for Emerson's Quote, "Hitch Your Wagon to a Star." Original artwork by my younger bro.)

I think there comes a point in everyone's lives where they can choose to either be consumed by the past or move forward with the future. I myself am finding myself at one of those crossroads. And I'm choosing to move on. To forget about what could have been and why it wasn't and move on to something beautiful and unexpected. Because the only thing worse than having a relationship or dream fail, is having it fail because it was never really given a chance.

A lot of my blog entries in the past year have been about moving on. I think I had a glimpse of what that meant but never truly understood it until recently. It doesn't mean forgetting your past, but it does mean not letting that past hinder your future any longer.

I've been quite introspective these past few months. I suppose it comes from heartbreak and not knowing my place in the world. But what I've come to realize is that you can't let something go just because of fear. You can't be down on yourself just because you're not sure of what the future holds for you. We live in a generation that is so all about the future that we forget that life is happening now. Maybe it took the mortality of a few people in my life over the past few months to make me finally realize that, and if so, then that is the greatest gift that has ever been given to me.

Wake up and Live now. Love now. Dream now. Act now.

Now is your life. Don't let it pass you by.

E

It Should Be Illegal to Be This Happy

2010-09-03T22:16:00.005-04:00

Three months ago I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Today, I am at one of the happiest. I have spent the past couple months not just finding myself, but actually realizing that I'm pretty damn cool. Now, please don't take this in a conceded fashion- it's more about me realizing my self worth. A big part of that was me recognizing that the art of acting means more to me than the fame. And that live performance is where my heart lies. Which brings me to Wednesday night.

Oh. My. Goodness. I had one of the best nights of my life. Why, do you ask? Because I got to perform a jazz/burlesque number at Brooklyn Bowl, one of the most kick-ass venues in New York City. I danced in front of hundreds of people, including several of my bestest friends. Have you ever been in a room full of people you love? Because it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Just being onstage dancing again was so exhilarating that looking back, it's all a blur. I am so inspired by the bands that played and the other dance numbers that I feel revived in a way like never before. I am so excited about life right now and wake up every morning excited to start the day. (OK, that's a big fat lie- you all know I'm not a morning person by any means. But after I get my coffee and drink a big glass of ice water, I feel pretty damn good.)

Yes, life is good right now. Very good. And on that note I'm going to go take a nap before going to my friends bar to kick off a relaxing labor day weekend.

Keep on smiling people, keep on smiling :D

Changed

2010-08-27T15:33:00.003-04:00

So, my dear blog readers. I have certainly been slacking in my posts. Basically this past month has been an awesome whirlwind of filming a couple projects, working odd jobs, going out on interesting dates, making new friends, taking aerial silk classes, joining a burlesque troupe, and hanging out in bars. It's been great. Really great. And then last night everything changed.

A friend of mine who I used to work with was hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. I guess I didn't realize exactly what that meant because I had planned on visiting him today, three days after it happened, which in retrospect was too late. Last night my friend got a call at 2am from the family saying his brain was closing down. I'm not going to go into details out of respect, but that hospital visit last night changed my life.

How something like this can happen to someone so young, so kind, and so bright is astounding to me. I don't understand. I don't think anyone does. None of this other stuff matters- the odd jobs, the boys, the partying. It just doesn't matter. What does matter are your friends and family. What matters is following your dreams and not worrying about the little things. Because this is your one life. And you just never know when it could be taken away from you.

I wish I had visited him last week when the thought randomly popped up in my mind to go say hi. Listen to your intuition. Be kind. Keep in contact with the people who have touched your lives. Live life to the fullest and be thankful that you wake up in the morning. This is your one and only life. Live it.

Playing in Thunderstorms

2010-07-23T23:12:00.005-04:00

These past few days have been amazing. I've been auditioning, working, exploring my neighborhood, and making awesome new friends. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. Yeah, I've been on a string of bad dates (I mean, am I imagining things or is it not the appropriate thing for a guy to pay for dinner on the first date when he not only asked YOU out but also picked the place AND ordered for you?!?!?! I mean, let's face it, I've been out of the game for awhile so I may be a bit rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is something every guy over the age of 13 knows . . .)

I digress.

I find myself talking to complete strangers all the time, helping random people, and always having a smile to offer to someone who is struggling. I feel like I'm becoming a better person and the bitterness that once plagued my soul is dissipating. Sure, I don't think I believe in true love anymore (not for me anyway), but I'm thankful that I've gotten to love and be loved passionately a few times in my life. In short, I'm moving on and focusing on me and the impact I have on others. As long as I can be the best person I can possibly be, and make some kind of tiny influence on others' lives then I will be one happy girl.

And it certainly pumps up your confidence a bit when those people you do randomly talk to or help tell you what an amazing person you are. (Not that that's why I'm doing it obviously, but it does make you feel all glowy inside.)

Oh, and the best part of all? I'm playing again. Full on kid playing. Yeah, it may involve beer nowadays, but climbing trees, breaking into abandoned buildings, and dancing barefoot in Brooklyn puddles are what I live for. Shout out to A.Y. for being my partner in crime.

And now I shall sigh happily and nurse a glass of red wine. I may go out later tonight, I may not. But right now, I couldn't ask for better company :)

Laughing Through Life

2010-07-20T21:04:00.009-04:00

Life has been fucking weird lately. Working my ass of to get jobs only to have them cancelled, falling head into cracked pavement for a guy who didn't want to catch me, (although who really knows because apparently in the 21st century when people want to end something they just never contact you again) [I mean, really REALLY? I miss the 1800's-Corsets, Horses, and Gentlemen? Umm, sign me up]), and then the clencher . . . randomly meeting said boy's ex only to find you absolutely adore her.

Lately I've felt like god is just laughing at me. Like, serious thunderstorm-causing laughs. I went over to my friend D's today to practice monologues, proceeded to cry about life for 20 minutes, and then made my way over to a bar to do a wine tasting for a bunch of drunks. When I walked into the restaurant I was (after some brief confusion about who I was) escorted to the marina. Confused as to where I would be setting up the tasting, I looked back and said, "I'm sorry, where am I going?"

"On the boat."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"On the boat."

"Um. You want me to go on that boat and do a wine tasting?"

"Yes, yes on boat!"

Ok, this is weird. But alright, whatever floats your boat (Seriously no pun intended there guys- I'm just that cool), I step up onto the deck of this sailing vessel and 50 pairs of eyes swiftly turn to me in question. I hear an announcer saying, "And here is E! Our wine connoisseur."

"Oh hi! Um . . . yes, I'm E. Nice to meet all of you."

A girl grabs me by the arm and drags me to the middle of the boat where I am to set up. I'm in the midst of popping open a bottle of cheap wine when I happen to glance over my shoulder and see a rope being thrown from the deck into the boat."

"Ahoy!"

What? WHAT?!?! THIS BOAT IS MOVING? WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

I mean really guys. I do these wine tastings at bars, restaurants, and liquor stores. How was I to ever expect that a boat in NEW YORK CITY none the less, was going to be thrown into the mix?

I ended up sailing through the hudson, down to the harbor, and around the statue of liberty for two hours . . . and it was magical. Absolutely, mind blowingly, soul-cleansing Magical. What I thought was going to be a crappy day of feeling sorry for myself ended up being one of my most favorite new york experiences ever. So, God may be laughing at me, but he's still throwing a me a bone every now and then.

- E

PS- No, I'm pretty sure he's still laughing at me. Did I tell you how after the boat, I went to an audition and was taught how to wrestle? Yeah, like actual wrestling. And get this. I'm good. Like, why the hell didn't I do this in highschool good. So yeah, if God had to pick a funny sport for me to actually be good at? Sure, it would probably be wrestling. Keep on laughing.

Love Lea Salonga

2010-07-20T13:17:00.001-04:00

She has had such a wonderful career.

I Dreamed a Dream

Ghosts

2010-07-17T04:03:00.008-04:00

Ghosts from another life,

Lingering, waiting, not sure

Where to go, how to leave their strife

Elusive peace, waiting for a cure

Plaguing all that they know

They whisper and haunt

Wondering where to go

Corrupting all whom they wish to taunt

Leave for good dear ghost,

For I cannot take your torture

As sweet as honey to the heart of most

As black as sewage to the soul of my aperture

Ghost, erase your words from my mind

Your touch from my skin

For I cannot move on from being of the blind

Until you are at peace again

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

2010-07-16T15:04:00.007-04:00

(Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart or anyone I may have ever dated. And no judging. I have a vivid imagination.)

I want to punch you, slap you, scrape my nails across your beautiful face. I want to tear out your jugular with my bare teeth until you finally feel one iota of the pain you've caused my heart. Everyone wonders why girls are so "psycho." Because men make us that way, that's why.

A romance too short and too honey suckle sweet. I want to break your legs into a million little pieces after I've cut your toes off one by one. I want to cut your arteries open and drain out as much of your blood as the tears that you've made me cried. I want to stab you in the gut and sew your entrails into weird avant-garde artistic shapes before shoving them back into your body and sewing the skin up so that you have to suffer longer.

But what I really want above all else . . .

is for you to be mine again.

Not that you ever truly were.

Weekend Home

2010-07-12T16:19:00.001-04:00

Mom: Have fun. And if you see a cute boy don't talk to him!

Me: Mom, I told you, I hate boys.

Mom: Then stop looking at all the cute ones!

Touche.

Had a lovely time with the fam and the bff's this weekend. Love you all!

I'm Clearly Not a Poet . . . but this is what's on my mind

2010-07-05T21:59:00.004-04:00

Too many thoughts running through my head.

Boxed in, fighting to get out again.

Don't know where I come from or where I'm going.

Fight. Fight. FIGHT.

One more hour, one more day.

Don't know what happened to the life I had,

but it's over now.

Gone, with the wind beyond a storm.

And the calm after the storm is eerily quiet.

Peaceful in an uncomfortable way.

Work. Work. WORK.

Work until you are blinded by the sweat

running into your eyes. And one day,

One amazing day.

You will wake up and realize, this is your new life.

And you created it all by yourself.

City of Dreams

2010-07-02T13:29:00.006-04:00

I came home from a job this morning, walked in the door, and my cats where doing the cutest thing. They both had hopped into their cages for traveling and were just sitting there waiting for me to take them somewhere. My little babies have become world travelers over the past few months. I picked up my phone to text their Papa, my ex, and then it happened. The moment. The moment where you're smiling and typing a text, only to have it suddenly hit you that you can't do that anymore. That you broke up and have no right to selfishly keep him as a friend. Hands shaking, I deleted the text and broke into tears. The saddest part of breaking up isn't the loss of a lover or boyfriend, it's the loss of a best friend. A best friend of five years that I told all my secrets too. A best friend that I stayed up reading with late at night and talking with for hours. A best friend that I texted the little details of life to everyday.

I think this is the first time since the breakup that I truly mourned over the loss of my friend. Oh, I've mourned over plenty of things, but so much in my life was happening, so many changes that took place so fast that I kinda just pushed it to the back of my mind and shoved my feelings deep into my heart. Now that my life is finally becoming more stable, they're coming up again. And this time I have to deal with them.

This is all a good thing though. After I shed my tears this morning, I felt a weight lift off of me. I knew that it was going to be ok. I have a roof over my head, an awesomely painted turquoise and red bedroom, and my two cats who mean the world to me back in my life. I have a boatload of friends that have stuck by me through it all. Yeah, there are those who haven't, and new friends I thought I had, who turned their backs as quickly as they had showed me their faces, but everyone goes through that. Life wouldn't be so sweet without the struggles. And right now? Well, it's starting to feel pretty sweet.

When all else fails, I look up into the beautiful Brooklyn sky and a solid peace fills me. This is where all my dreams are going to come true. I just know it.

Love this Poem- After a While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

2010-07-01T14:58:00.001-04:00

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

SMILE!

2010-06-28T22:11:00.004-04:00

My mind and body are exhausted but I can't sleep so I find myself at a local Williamsburg bar with wireless (still need to call the cable company so I can get internet in my apartment). So . . . what's been going on? I barely know myself. I gave myself a July 1st deadline to pull my life together, but for once I think I'm actually ahead of schedule. I'm happy. I frequently catch myself walking down the street with a smile on my face for no reason. It's nice. Yeah, nights get a hella lonely, but hey, that's what cuddling with my cats are for.

Work is stressful because I'm living gig to gig. Last week was good for work, but this week looks a wee bit slow. I've never had to live paycheck to paycheck before and it's not something I wish on anyone. I am determined to live the life I want to live though. If I can survive by just doing what I love then I will have found success. Even if it is paycheck to paycheck for a while.

I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. I was working in Coney Island on Saturday (doing a wine tasting- I love people and I love wine, so why not?) and it was blazing hot. So what did I do when I got off? I briefly thought about stripping down to my skivvies and diving into the ocean but then regretfully pondered my underwear choice of the morning (pale yellow- not great when submerged in water). But then I thought, you know what? Fuck it. You only live once. And if I have to flash half of Coney Island to cool off, then so be it. (Ok, ok, I'm not THAT ballsy. I kept on a long tank top, but it was still pretty invigorating.)

I dove in. And I swam. I swam in that dirty city water and had the time of my life. I can't even begin to describe the happiness I felt while floating on my back in the Atlantic. After I had sufficiently cooled down, I made my way back to the boardwalk where I watched a Puerto Rican dance party and chatted with drag queens. And for the first time in God knows how long, I was glad that I was by myself. I didn't have to worry about someone else judging me or being uncomfortable. I made my own rules. I was on my own time table. And it was . . . refreshing. Refreshing in a way I haven't felt in years.

I've been playing a lot lately and it's awesome. I don't know where along the line adults stopped playing. Yeah, I might still act like I'm five, but who cares? I'm professional and responsible when I need to be, so I can act like a child on my off time.

So get out there people. Stop staring at your computer in your cubicle and go play. Go run around the block and act like a lunatic. Try doing some Parkour in the stairwell. Just go play. I promise you, you'll be happy that you did.

And smile. If you're lucky enough to be looking at a computer, then life is pretty damn good :)

I Can Fly

2010-06-21T23:10:00.003-04:00

Swinging through the air

Reaching for bright balls of fire

Twisting, turning all around

Getting stuck and tangled

Unravelling and pulling up again.

Two feet at a time

Plus a little strength

Flipping upside down and all around

Nothing but the body and thoughts

Using mind over matter

Silk between the hands, under the feet

Wrapped around the body

Burning skin set ablaze

Push a little bit more

Try a little harder

And Fly

I learned how to fly today.

In more ways than one.

La Vie Boheme!

2010-06-21T00:54:00.006-04:00

Time for me. Time for the feelings of guilt, longing, jealousy, confusion, lust, sadness, and loss to be thrown out the window. Time to stop beating myself up for not being where I want to be and to do something about it. Time to put myself before anyone else for the first time in my life. Time to be selfish. It's Time.

I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I’m not obsessing over acting as much as I used to, which is a good thing. It’s still obviously a huge part of my life that I work on everyday, but I’m trying to no longer judge myself for not being quite where I want to be. Because I know I'm going to get there one day. I’m rediscovering my love for things that have been put on the backburner over the past couple years. I’m starting to dance again (haven’t been doing it since my knee surgery in college). I’m going to start playing the piano and singing again so that I can get back to the point where I was at my prime. I’m getting back into live performances, my first and purest love.

I’m getting my act together so I can be me again. I’m starting to remember who I was at my core before I became someone else’s. And I’m excited as hell.

This is gonna be fuckin good people. Scary, and maybe a little bit crazy, but good. Very good.

La Vie Boheme!

Hope

2010-06-13T23:29:00.007-04:00

I miss the days of sprinklers and climbing trees. I miss playing in the yard and being excited about all the possibilities in the world. I miss being young and innocent enough that I still saw faeries and infinite possibilities in everything. I miss playing dress up with my sister and putting plays on for the neighborhood. I miss the days when everything was simple. When an ice cold glass of water was enough to make me happy. When I believed in everything. I believed in dreams. I believed in love. I believed in happy endings.

I miss playing foursquare with the neighbors on our long driveway. I miss playing in thunderstorms and the excitement of stomping barefoot in puddles and running from the lightning, (though I never actually ran. I was always too intrigued by the electricity in the air). I miss warm towels, tulips growing in the garden, and rolling down hills for so long that my skin got itchy from the grass. I miss reading a good book by the potbelly fireplace in the winter and out on the swing in the summer. I miss the sizzling sound the stove made when snow hit it as we warmed ourselves from the winter storms.

I miss the hope I had as a child.

Because the older I get, the less hope I have in everything. But I can't help but hold on to a little. I know I'm naive, and I should just give up when reality slaps me in the face, but I can't. I still have that childish hope that everything will work out. But that hope is challenged on a daily bases. It was challenged for five years. It was challenged and taken away from me in November. It was challenged my entire time in LA. And it's being challenged once again, here in NYC.

At what point does hope end and stupidity begin?

Thank You

2010-05-24T13:27:00.006-04:00

I have seen and felt so much beauty in the world lately. The gentle caress of someone you care about. The laughter of your best friend's voice on the other end of the phone. The joy of instantly bonding with a new friend. The cheerful hello from a stranger. I love it all. I have moments where I am so happy that I could burst. And those moments are truly what has been helping me get through all of this. All of this apartment hunting, job searching, coming to terms with being in the city without my ex this time around, trying to figure out my place in this world . . . everything.

You all know who you are and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I am so so very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I won't forget it.

And those of you who haven't been there for me? Well I won't forget that either. ;) No, that's not a threat, (or is it?) Mwahahahaha.

No, but seriously. You all have been amazing. The messages and emails of support I've gotten from people have been astounding. I'm very lucky to have surrounded myself with such positive people.

Much Love,
E

Does Lady Luck Decide Your Fate?

2010-05-23T21:30:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I'm the age that I am, (and no I'm not telling how old that may be). Although we all age at the same rate, I seem to be the only one getting any older. And that only means one thing to me. That I have less and less time to "make it" as an actress. Some would argue that I've already made it. After all, I get paid to be in films/on TV/onstage. But I have yet to do something that I am passionately proud of. Part of this is because I'm by far my own worst critic (with the exception of maybe my dad ;) ) and part of it is because I don't have a "name" yet so I'm pretty much restricted to lower budget things.

It's always bothered me that someone else pretty much decides your fate as an actor. Oh, you can take all the classes you want, practice like crazy, and go to tons of seminars, but what it boils down to is being in the right place at the right time. Yes, it takes talent. But it takes a helluva lot of luck too. You can give the best audition of your life, but if the men behind the table don't like you . . . well there's nothing you can do about it.

Or so I thought.

Until I decided to start my own production company. A year ago, I discovered a deep passion for writing that had been buried for years. It stems from the same place as my love for acting. A deep desire for bringing characters to life. Because they're not really "characters" at all. They're you. They're me. They're your best friend. Your worst enemy. Your lover. Your neighbor. The old man down the street that you say hi to every morning. And so much more. I've always wondered while passing by strangers what their story is. What makes them who they are. Where their neurosis stem from.

And now, not only do I get to bring these stories and people to life. I get to create them as well. I get to research and discover why that person is the way that they are. And hopefully through this, I can bring a little light and perspective to other people as well.

And if I happen to be my own Lady Luck? Well that's a pretty damn big bonus.

It's Time

2010-05-21T21:49:00.002-04:00

So it finally hit me the other day. I don't have to be miserable anymore! It's totally a choice. There are people in far worse circumstances than me who make it through the day with a smile on their face, so why can't I? I can! So, here's to me being happy. Yeah, I don't have a place to live yet, but I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends and people in my life who have housed me over the past few weeks. Yeah, I don't have a real job, but I've gotten a helluva lot of freelance work considering I've only been back . . .(gasp) a month! What!?!?!?! I just looked at a calendar. I can't believe it's been a month already. I feel like it's only been two weeks. But not to panic. It must mean I'm having a pretty damn good time if time is flying by so fast.

It's time to move on from my past. It's hard. Like grasping for straws that are halfway filled with cement, but it's time. It's time to make this city mine again. I'm excited and scared and happy and nervous and inspired all at the same time. Things are not only going to work out, they're going to be great.

It's time to be my own light.

Fear

2010-05-14T13:38:00.005-04:00

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

When do you think it will all become clear?

Because I'm being taken over by the Fear

- Lily Allen

I'm afraid that my story may be one that ends in tragedy. I need for the past six months to be erased from my mind. To pretend the event in November that catapulted the end of my relationship and haunts me every time I close my eyes never happened. I need for it to all be gone. Because I don't know how to move on anymore. It's been one thing after another since that horrible day . . . How much can one person take before they break? I need for someone to save me, but know that I can only save myself.

I have good days and bad days. Days where I think that the world is a beautiful place and that everything is going to work out, and days where I remember last Fall/Winter and am physically incapable of moving. I try to forget certain things but they seep back into my mind like poison and infiltrate my dreams until they become nightmares of a dangerous kind. But I'm going to get through this. I have to. I need to surround myself with positive people. It's when I'm alone that things start to get scratchy. My brain is a landfill of emotions just waiting to erupt.

But I'm going to put a smile on my face and get out there again. There's really no other choice. After my ex and I broke up, I remember thinking, "just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep walking. Take it one step at a time." And that's what I need to do again. Put one foot in front of the other. Because as small of an accomplishment as that might sound, it's a hell of a lot better than being stagnant.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through all of this. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you a better actor. Let's hope that's true.

Not Just an Ordinary Grilled Cheese

2010-05-11T14:11:00.003-04:00

I love how people in restaurants make such a big deal about a person eating alone. "Are you just one?" Yes. "So, you're alone?" Yes, I'm pretty sure we just established that. "Well, we only have big tables in here. Maybe there's a smaller table outside. Jose! Are there any small tables?" "For how many?" "Just one. She's alone!" Perfect. Thank you for yelling to the entire restaurant that I am in fact, completely alone. Not that I mind being alone. I actually need and crave it at times. But that doesn't mean I want an entire restaurant staring at me like I'm some kind of crazed zoo animal.

So there I was, writing in my journal and enjoying a healthy feast of grilled cheese, when I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation next to me. It was a man and woman in their 40's talking about how they just realized their happiness couldn't be tied to how many auditions they went on or how many gigs they booked. I recently realized this myself, so of course I jumped into the conversation. They told me I'm 20 years ahead of my time so I'm on the right track, but that I'll still be struggling with the concept with I'm 40. Great. Sounds awesome.

But it was cool talking to people older than me in my profession. It felt validating in a weird way. And of course, I love talking to strangers. I'm addicted to studying human behavior and observing how people walk, talk, and interact with others vs. how they act alone. Marcia Cross, was supposedly a working psychologist after her long time partner passed away, and I think that's a big part of why she's such a great actress. She studied human behavior at the root. She observed people at their rawest.

See how much I learned by eating alone today? And that's the thing about New York. Even when you're by yourself, you're never truly alone.

How to Get Better at Life: My Step-by-Step Guide

2010-04-29T15:57:00.003-04:00

So I was in between interviews today sipping a coffee at a nearby Starbucks (trust me, I have a strong dislike for chain coffee shops just as much as the next guy, but I have a gift card so it's pretty much going to be my favorite place until the $25 run out), when I decided to write out a plan on how to get better at life. This was totally personal and I wasn't going to share it, but I caught a glimpse of the girl across the table reading what I wrote and smiling, so . . . I figured I'd post it. Here is a step by step plan on how I will get better at life. It's pretty simple now. Simple is good.

STEP ONE: GET A JOB

- Suck it up and be responsible. Take whatever comes your way now and look for something you actually like later.

- Work towards your 5 year goals in your off time, (including your production company and clothing store).

STEP TWO: GET AN APARTMENT

- You can't couch surf forever. I know you want something cool and close, but you're starting over so you're going to have to deal with far and decrepit. Don't worry. Once Step One is complete, you can be more picky.

STEP THREE: STRAIGHTEN OUT YOUR HEART

- Enough said.

STEP FOUR: WRITE AND ACT EVERYDAY

- If you don't use it you'll lose it. Write and act constantly, even if it's only for yourself. That way you'll be ready when opportunity comes knocking.

STEP FIVE: STOP DRINKING SO MUCH

- Again, enough said. When you are constantly hung over, it makes getting better at life a tad bit more difficult. I'm not asking you to give it up completely, just reduce. And drink water. And eat your five servings of veggies and fruit per day.

So that's all I have for now. It doesn't seem quite as overwhelming when it's all written out like that. I'm fairly certain that within three- six months I'm going to be kicking ass at life. :)

I Hate That I Love You, New York

2010-04-26T23:36:00.004-04:00

I had a beautiful blog entry roaming around in my head today about how wonderful New York is, how amazing I feel to be back, how the pavement glistens gloriously in the rain, how the music on the street speaks to my soul . . . and then I got hit by a car. I GOT HIT BY A FUCKING CAR.

Now before I continue, let it be known that aside from an achy elbow and knee, I am totally fine. More shocked than anything because I GOT HIT BY A CAR. I drive for three months in LA without so much as a scratch, and then I'm back in NYC for two days and can't even walk across a street.

But it's ok. Because, did you really think you could scare me off like that NY? Here's me giving you a big ole' eff you. It's going to take a lot more than a little car (ok, minivan), to stave me off. I'm onto you. And I will beat you. And you will like it.

Did Someone Say Cross Country?

2010-04-25T21:24:00.003-04:00

Wow. So much has happened in the past two weeks. Approximately:

Money spent on gas: too much

Number of red bulls drunken: 11

Number of times pulled over: 0

Number of times stopped by border control: 1

Number of camera speeding tickets (stupid Arizona): 2-3

Best new food tried: Frito pie

Number of times gotten pelted by beads (that f'ing hurts): ~15

Number of sketchy motels/crack dens stayed in: 1

Number of breakdowns on the road: (Car-0. Emotional-5.)

Favorite new cities in order: New Orleans, Austin, Atlanta

Average number of hours slept per night: 4

Number of times kicked a slot machine: 2

Longest drive in one day: 15 hours

Number of cats roaming around the car: 2

Am so tired. Will write more when I can actually think again.

Chipping Away at Life

2010-04-16T21:23:00.003-04:00

The paint on my nails is already chipped from a glamourous photoshoot just days before in a land of glitz and glam. A land that is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, but with some of the most depressed people I've ever met. And here I am, in the most dejected/deserted city in the nation, with some of the happiest people I have ever known.

But I'm tired. Tired of feeling. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I have so many contradicting emotions that I don't know what to do with. Tired of talking about it all. And I'm pissed. I'm pissed at my grandma for dying (though I know this is completely illogical- I know it was her time), I'm pissed at myself for not spending more time with her in the past year. I'm sad because I don't think I'll ever find the kind of love that she and my grandfather had.

I'm stressed because the job prospect I had in NYC is probably falling through because I can't get back there in time because of the funeral. I'm already tired of couch surfing and it hasn't even begun yet. I'm tired of wondering if other people have the same feelings as me, or if they even feel anything at all. I'm upset because everyone asks everyone else how their significant other is doing, and then when they get to me, ask me how my cats are. I'm sorrowful because I don't think the love I want even exists in this day and age.

And more than anything, I'm sad. I have a deep sadness in me that I know no one can cure but myself. I'm sad because I'm a year older and feel like I've fallen behind where I was a year ago. I'm sad that I had to leave a wonderful man because I wanted something more. Something that I am not so sure I'll ever find. I'm sad because I wish my great love would hurry up and find me and wipe away my tears.

I'm pissed that I spent the past five years so focused on my career, that I let life slip me by. Sometimes I want to give up on it all. Say fuck it, and resign myself to the fact that I'm going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me.

I know this feeling will pass. I know that I in turn, can be one of the happiest people around and light up other people's lives. But right now . . . right now sucks big donkey balls.

I feel like a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. I just want to feel normal again. But to do that, I have to stop feeling so much. I have to do whatever is possible to numb myself to the pain and confusion. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love acting so much. I get to forget everything and be someone else.

Yes, the paint on my nails is almost completely chipped off. And with it is any sense of normalcy I may have experienced in these 20 something years.

Has Social Media Gone Too Far?

2010-04-13T13:30:00.002-04:00

I've touched briefly on my confusing fling with social media in this blog before. I'm basically addicted to the internet. Addicted to emailing, addicted to web surfing, addicted to Facebook, twitter, and a whole slew of blogs. I have spent hours upon hours on my computer completely unaware of the time passing by. I know things about people that I have no business knowing. Hell, I've even solved a crime via Myspace before. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it, but this morning everything changed.

I found out via Facebook that my Grandmother died.

I cannot tell you the feelings of disbelief that washed over me as I learned of her death from my new best friend, the computer. I knew before my Dad, her own son knew. Do I call him to tell him? Do I just wait for the phone call? How do I function with this unwanted knowledge? I ended up calling my sister and we decided we should just wait for the phone call. Sure enough, 45 minutes later, I got the news on the phone.

I'm really not sure how I feel about this. It is so 21st century. I mean, I would have much rathered to hear of this in person, but at the same time, social networking allows you to find support in places you didn't even know you had. But it still begs the question: Is social media getting out of hand? Does it intensify life or just complicate it? I'm really not sure of the answer.

Grabbing the Reigns

2010-04-07T14:23:00.003-04:00

Alright everyone. So here's the deal. For various reason (ALL career driven), I will be going back to NYC for a spell. I don't know for how long, but you never really know with me. I'm just letting the wind blow me in whatever direction it thinks I should go. My original plan was to move out here to LA for three months as sort of a test run. There have been many successes (and of course a few failures) and I have a pretty good idea of what my life would look like if I stayed. . . and I'm not a big fan. I'm not particularly thrilled with things I learned about the entertainment industry out here. Namely, with what people do to "make it." At this point in my life I think I can be more successful in NYC, especially since I have more connections out there. There are tons of reasons why I believe that, and I have weighed my options heavily. That's not to say I won't be back. I'm positive that my career will lead me back to LA several times. But that doesn't mean I have to live here.

For some reason, a few people that have caught wind of this are deciding to be extremely judgmental. I realize that this is partially my fault because I put myself out there so much on this blog and on facebook, but come on guys. I've gotten everything from, "I told you not to leave New York," to "Oh, you're just giving up? You're a quitter." Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I do everything for the sake of acting and that I have never been a quitter. As my sister pointed out, "People just try to convince you to do what they did to validate their own choices." Which is why I've been thinking very hard about this for a good two weeks and have only asked the advice of those closest to me that I know will not try to influence me one way or another.

When it comes down to it, I did what I came out here to do. I in no way regret the past three months. They were a growing phase that I desperately needed. I am more confident in my abilities (both acting and "life") than ever before and I am ready to hit NYC with a force that I didn't previously possess. I needed these past three months here. And nothing is set in stone. I have two auditions this week for things shooting in middle america this summer so who knows what could happen. I'm not ruling anything out.

I'm grabbing my life by the reigns and doing what is best for me. As my (apparently very wise) little sis also said, "You have to have the courage to go against the grain." That's what I'm doing.

Grabbing the reigns to go against the grains.

Figuring Shit Out

2010-04-01T14:18:00.004-04:00

What am I doing here? I woke up this morning in a sweat, the heavy realization of what I've done over the past few months pressing down on my chest like a ton of rocks. Did I seriously move with my cats cross country? To say this move was impulsive is an understatement. Yes, I was partly running away and I was partly running towards, but what from? What to? Was this actually the best career choice? I'm honestly not sure. What I am sure of is that I need to make my own luck. The likelihood of me being one in a million people that are "discovered" isn't entirely realistic. I need to be writing and producing my own things. I need to make this happen, because no one else is going to.

I just don't feel very creative here. Maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's how everyone looks the same, maybe it's the lack of grit and the abundance of glitter, but I need to somehow get my creative juices flowing. I need to figure out what I want in life and which path is the best one to travel. I need to start the next phase of my life.

So I'm going to go climb a mountain now and hope the (semi)fresh air will give me some answers.

Freedom

2010-03-26T16:08:00.004-04:00

The other day I was contemplating summer plans and was overcome by a sudden rush of freedom. It's stuck with me throughout the past couple days and it is an extremely calming and liberating feeling. For the first time in my life I don't have anything holding me back. I can do and go anywhere I want. I'm not in school, I'm not tied to a corporate job, I'm not in a relationship, and I don't have any kids. I do have a load of credit card debt (mainly from having to buy a car) but I'm hoping that will be paid off in the next two months. I can do whatever I want. That's freakin awesome.

Hollywood pretty much shuts down during the summer, so I can either stay here and just work at the bar (which is on the beach so I would make pretty damn good money), or I can travel somewhere. I can go back to NYC and maybe do a play. I can go visit family in Maryland, Boston, Ohio, and Detroit. I can go back to Ireland or France and visit friends there. Hell, I can go backpacking through Thailand by myself if I feel like it. The possibilities are endless. And the cool thing is that I don't have to decide now. The only deadlines I have are the ones I make myself.

The one act play that I wrote that is being performed in a month in NYC, is about how people in my generation beat ourselves up rushing to "make it" in our careers and in life. It's about how we need to slow down because before we know it we'll be older with even more responsibilities wondering what happened to our youth. We need to stop always being on the go and enjoy life instead of stressing so much. So that's what I'm doing. I've always felt so pressured to make it in acting by a certain age, but it's not going anywhere. Yeah, there are fewer roles for women as they get older, but there are also fewer actors. So I'm not going to stress about making it anymore. I'm just going with the flow. I'm taking my own advice for once. And it feels awesome.

If you need me I'll be by the beach. True, I'll probably be serving drinks, but it's still the beach nonetheless.

Ahhh Life. I Somehow Think You're Going to Work Out

2010-03-24T01:40:00.004-04:00

Well I have to say that waitressing is hard work but I can't complain about the money. There is something to be said about walking out with a wad of cash at the end of the day. Instant gratification. Things are going pretty well out here. I just wrapped the webseries I was shooting yesterday and had an awesome time. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Well . . . I can't wait to see how the final product turns out, not my actual performance. I hate watching myself onscreen. I just always think that I could have done something better and I inevitably end up laughing at myself during serious scenes or cringing during funny scenes. But it was a lot of fun and the feeling of being paid to do what you love is indescribable.

Man my feet hurt. I kinda like that I'm doing physically grueling work. I mean it's not like I'm building skyscrapers or anything, but it's enough to make you appreciate life. Which is something I've been trying to do more of lately. I'm trying to appreciate it and have fun on my own. It would be so easy to jump into another relationship right now and though it is very tempting, I need to be selfish (in a good way) right now. I need to learn how to not just live on my own, but how to be happy with just myself and no one else. I can't tell you how many times I want to avoid going home after work because I don't want to be alone. Thankfully the new friends in my life realize what I'm going through and put me in my place when I call and whine about being lonely.

So anyway. That's all that's been happening on this coast. Working my butt off at a bar on the beach (I can't even describe the beauty of a sunset over the ocean from there), filming with some pretty cool people, and doing some soul searching. I am in a 100% better place than I was a month ago. But I still have a long way to go. I want to get back to the place I was years ago when I would have dance parties in my room by myself and it would be the most euphoric feeling of the day. I need to find myself again. And once I do, I will be a much better person not only for myself, but for whatever the next relationship I may be in.

Alright, time to go rest my weary feet, relax a little, and submit to some castings. I'm living my dream people. I somehow never envisioned waitressing as part of that dream, but nothing that is worth fighting for comes easy. And once I get it . . . it will be the best feeling in the world.

Day of the Irish

2010-03-17T16:25:00.003-04:00

Sorry I've been slacking on posts lately! I've been working like crazy at my new serving job. I will be the first to admit that I am a TERRIBLE waitress. I have a pretty short attention span (I'm convinced to this day that I have ADD and was just never diagnosed- then again I'm a hypochondriac and am pretty much convinced I have everything. Have I mentioned the weird rash that just appeared on my leg?!) and I sometimes go back again and again to ask what it is they wanted. You would think a pen and paper would remedy this . . . but my handwriting is so bad that I can't always read what I wrote, lol. Hey, we can't all be good at everything ok? In a weird way it's kinda refreshing to find something I'm so horribly terrible at.

The first day of my webseries shoot went great. The entire cast and crew was awesome AND I was upgraded to the female lead. Alas, this means that I no longer get to make out with Mr. Belding, but I do have more lines and an additional shoot day now!

Oh, and I got a liquor tasting job too. It's pretty akin to what I did in NYC for awhile: going into liquor stores and asking customers if they'd like to sample a certain liquor. My schedule hasn't been set for that yet though so I'm not holding my breath. In this town nothing is certain until the check is in the bank.

I am so excited to go back to NYC at the end of April for the one act I'm writing. I'm working on the 2nd draft now and think I have some good stuff. It needs to be finished by tomorrow night so I have some more work to do but I'm pretty happy with it. Even though I'm not getting paid for it, I feel like it's a big step for me as a writer. It's a good feeling. And it's so weird that I'll be seeing some of my New York friends more now that I live on the west coast. One of my good friends Dlowe will be here next week, then I'll be back next month, and then one of my besties, C will be here for two weeks in May. Yay! I was so worried before about making LA my home, but I'm realizing that NYC can still be my home too. I'm working hard to make the bi-coastal thing happen.

On that note I need to get back to writing and maybe take a nap before serving a bunch of drunken a-holes tonight. Hopefully everyone will be in a chipper mood since it is in fact the day of the Irish.

Progress

2010-03-12T14:39:00.006-05:00

Whew, what a week! A week ago today I got an agent. Sunday, I got a car. Wednesday, I booked my first acting gig, got a writing gig, and got a manager. Thursday, I got a job! Today I have a meeting at a modeling agency, an interview for a promotional gig, and my first night of training as a waitress.

So, where to begin . . . the acting gig. I booked a webseries (I'm in two episodes). I don't have a lot of lines, but it's a hilarious part. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to write about it, but suffice it to say, I will be making out with Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. Considering the fact that many of you have been calling me Spano for years, I'm sure no one is too surprised by this fact.

Next up: writing gig. I am equally as excited by this! I am writing a one act for a theatre troupe in NYC that they will be performing the last weekend of April/ 1st weekend of May. It's non paying but I actually don't mind because it's going to be awesome seeing my written words being brought to life. And let me tell you, Wednesday was an amazing day. I spent a good five hours just writing. It was just me, the pen on paper, a couple Tecates, and some tacos. If I could just act and write for the rest of my life, I would be the happiest girl on the planet.

And finally: the job. Haha, this is hilarious. I've been stressing about money all week and was meeting a friend at the Whaler (bar on the Venice boardwalk) last night. As I walk in, I just happen to ask the bouncer if they're hiring. "Umm, I'm not sure, but you're hot so let me introduce you to the owner," was his response. Um . . . okaaaay. Turns out they were about to open the outdoor patio and were just talking about how they needed another server when I walked in. I was grilled about my serving experience and am amazed at the lies that flew out of my mouth. Apparently I have 2 years experience as a server (at Fig and Olive LL, so tell your bf to vouch for me if they call!) and 3 as a hostess. . . I've never done either. See, I knew majoring in Bullshit (aka Theatre) in college was a good idea! It got me a job . . . as a waitress. I start training tonight and tomorrow afternoon and then am being thrown to the wolves tomorrow night so I hope to god they don't realize I have no clue what I'm doing.

On that note, I need to bust my butt over to West Hollywood for a meeting. I'm still missing NYC like crazy but I am one step closer to living the bi-coastal life that I want. I can't wait to see what next week brings.

Neverland

2010-03-08T21:20:00.004-05:00

Wow so my last blog entry seemed to have made quite an impression- both positive and negative. It's always hard putting yourself and all your vulnerabilities out there for the world to see. Sometimes I think I should just stick to writing about acting in this blog, but then I'll get an email from a stranger, or a call or text from a long lost friend thanking me for writing my feelings because they feel the exact same way. I used to feel the same way whenever I would read my good friend Glitterati's blog. It's always nice to feel that you're not alone in your thinking/feelings. Of course not everyone is going to be on the same page as you but that's life. And it's funny how many people here in LA have asked me to hang out since reading my last entry. Thanks guys for helping me get on my feet! Literally- thanks guys. Everyone that contacted me to chill was a male. Not that I'm complaining, I mean friends are friends. But step it up girls. I need some more estrogen in my life.

So I got a car. And I love it. I'm not sure what to name her. I was thinking "Stella" but that seems a bit overdone. We'll see. I bought her on my credit card (funny how I know she's a she), so she obviously wasn't too expensive . . . I mean it's no Cadillac. But it's all mine. I've already been out and about (though I have yet to tackle the highways) and I think she and I will get along just fine.

I had one audition today and have two tomorrow. It's great being a full time auditioner (no really, I actually love auditioning) . . . next step: book something. Things are going to work out just fine. I know it. I'm going to book something (fingers crossed) and then one day open up my own production company and vintage clothing store. (The Vintage store is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother day, but is something that has long been in the works).

Wait . . . what was that? Did I just set a goal for myself? I think I did! Awesome! I have a five year plan! I always wanted to be a person with a five year plan but my life was always so crazy that I couldn't imagine the next week let alone the next year. Not that it's any less crazy now, but yay!

Oh good, I'm excited. So I know where I'll be in five years (well metaphysically anyway- I have no idea where I'll be physically located) and I know everything is going to work out. The glass has become half full.

* Literally while I was just finishing up this blog entry someone called me about my blog to tell me how inspiring it was. I asked him why he felt it was inspiring, because I don't write with that intention (though it's of course a nice side effect). But why would someone find my blog (especially the depressing entries from the past 3 months or so) inspiring? He said that it was because upon first meeting me, one would think that I have everything together. So it's nice to see that I am in fact human and I struggle too. And that inspires him. Interesting. Thanks Columbia. (That's your nickname in here M.R.)

So, it's been a good Monday. The glass is half full, I'm going on auditions, I have a car, and I'm on my way to becoming a real adult. . . Ok, honestly I need to drop that whole "becoming an adult" thing. It's been a common theme in my blog entries, and let's be honest- It's not going to happen. I'm never going to be a "normal" adult. And I don't want to.

I believe in Neverland.

Not ok

2010-03-06T15:07:00.004-05:00

I'm not ok. There I admitted it. I'm tired of constantly saying, "Oh yeah, I'm doing great!" I'm not. Things are not ok. But they will be. They have to be.

I am in a constant battle of depression vs. happiness. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face but it's not working. I wonder why I felt the need to up and leave everything and everyone that I know and love to come to a strange land completely alone. I feel so isolated. I'm a people person and I'm realizing that I hate being alone. In the shower I can't tell where the water ends and the tears begin. I try to be responsible. I try to make my eggs and toast in the morning and even make my bed. But I lean towards the self destructive. I want to give up. I want to move back to the east coast where I can be closer to my parents, my baby nephew, all my friends and loved ones. But I know that will only bring momentary happiness. Eventually I'll get restless again and wonder why I left the west coast.

Strangers here want to help. But I need to learn to do this by myself. I need to learn once and for all how to depend on myself for my own happiness and no one else. I don't know what I believe when it comes to religion, but if there's a god, I think that's what he must want from me right now.

I have spouts of fleeting happiness. I got an agent yesterday- exactly two months after I moved here. I was in New York for 4 years and only freelanced with agents. So that's great news. Really really great news. But I have no one to celebrate it with out here.

I want to give up. I want to go back to the home where I grew up and just cry for a month and have my mom take care of me. I want to forget that I'm an adult with responsibilities and dreams. I want to be surrounded by love instead of strangers.

But then I go to an audition. And for the five minutes that I'm in there, I am in utter bliss. It is the happiest that I ever feel. For five minutes I get to be someone else. I get to create a different world, bringing another person to life. Those five minutes are what I am risking everything for. I have to make it out here. I'm giving up any semblance of a normal life until I do. Acting means everything to me. And if leaving my entire life to come here with a suitcase and two cats doesn't prove that then I don't know what does. Sometimes I think having this dream is a curse. But in the end it's always worth it. At the end of a shoot day I always have a peaceful contentedness that tells me I'm doing exactly what I should be.

So chin up. Time to move forward. No, I'm not ok right now. But I will be.

Today's Music Obsession: Citizen Cope

2010-03-03T14:58:00.001-05:00

Sideways Lyrics

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away

Love, Career, or Both?

2010-03-02T15:53:00.005-05:00

Ah New York. As soon as I got off the plane I felt a huge weight lift off my chest. I was back. The producers of a short I did this past summer flew me out for the premier (they are by far the kindest people I've ever worked with). I was there for just four days and it brought me back down to earth and grounded me in a way I didn't even realize I had needed. I need both LA and NYC in my life. When I was just in NYC I felt myself beginning to get bitter. Here in LA I tend more towards the lazy side. Being bi-coastal evens me out perfectly. I hope that the bi-coastal thing happens sooner rather than later.

Airports are some of my favorite places. They are full of love. Parents dropping their kids off for the first time, lovers saying tearful goodbyes, and couples reuniting. All of the love is beautiful. I wish that anyone against same sex marriage could have seen what I saw last night getting off the plane. Waiting at the terminal was an 80 year old woman's elderly lesbian lover. The joy and pure love that shone in both their eyes when they saw each other was palpable. These were two elderly women who had found their true love. They just kept holding each others faces and smiling like they were the only two people on earth. It made me happy to know that that kind of love can last.

For other people at least . . . I don't know if with my career choice I'll ever be able to hold on to anything like that. I want to . . . so badly. I just don't know if its possible. I wonder what older people would say about choosing one's career over love. My grandmother was an amazing singer and gave up her chance with radio big shots in order to get married to my grandpa. They had a fairy-tale marriage. The kind that you think only exists in books. But I always wondered if she regretted giving up on her dreams. Then again, your dreams don't keep you warm at night. . . I just have to trust that I can have both.

Ok, that's enough of that sappy tangent. I am going to go bury myself in work now to distract myself from these things called feelings. You did it again New York.

Current Musical Obsession: Pink

2010-02-23T17:15:00.004-05:00

I was never a huge Pink fan but her latest songs have been amazing. Check out her song "Sober."

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

A Few Ironic Thoughts on Technology

2010-02-22T19:45:00.005-05:00

Can you imagine a life without technology? I got a taste of it last week and was none too happy. My computer decided to conk out, so for five days I didn't have a car or a computer. It was a dark time. Not having a car in LA is hard enough. My computer is my link to the outside world. Without that link, it was just me and my thoughts . . . and it got dark.

Now that I have my computer back (minus the hard drive, and therefore minus ALL my stuff- pics, scripts I wrote, resumes, everything) I'm thinking that we (or me anyway) are way too dependent on technology. I mean, for my career it's necessary because submitting online is how I get most of my auditions, but as a whole? Damn. I miss focusing on human relationships in person. I long for those late night conversations while actually hearing my friends' voices. True, it's easier to keep up with more people via social networking sites, but it also takes something real away.

How many times when pulling out your camera with friends are you thinking, "this'll make a kick ass facebook photo?" Facebook "relationship status's" have actually become a real way of determining where you stand with people you're dating. What's his status say? "It's complicated?" Oh, well good that's cleared up then. Guess we don't need to have "the talk." I mean, when my ex and I broke up, one of the first things we talked about was changing our status's to "single" It's just weird. I'm not saying that social networking sites are bad. I just think that sometimes they hold so much importance in people's lives that they miss out on actually living.

I dunno, maybe I'm just feeling more isolated than usual without my friends and without a car and all. I know things will get easier. And when they do, I'm sure I'll still be updating my status to say how happy I am. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to live in person more. Because when it comes down to it, having fun with actual people is a helluva lot more joyous than having fun with just you and your computer.

Addendum: As I was out to dinner with a friend tonight, I literally grabbed my phone and said, "hold on, I have to update my facebook status." I'm addicted. Is it the need to be known? The desire to have someone care? The want of some kind of connection? Is technology detrimental to human relationships or actually beneficial? I don't know. Let's discuss.

Audition Feedback, Youth, and Going off on a Tangent

2010-02-12T16:48:00.007-05:00

Getting feedback after auditions in always a difficult task. I, actually, love hearing feedback, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. (Damn, how many commas did I just use in that sentence?!?) But many casting directors are afraid to say anything (with good reason- there are plenty of "psycho" actors out there who go off the deep end if critiqued). This is why I was pleasantly surprised to find a way to get feedback after the casting is said and done.

There is an audition place here in LA called CATZ. When you audition at CATZ, the people take your audition, post it online for only you and the casting director to see, and ask the casting director for comments. It's awesome! Not only do you get unfiltered opinions from the casting director, but YOU get to see exactly what you did. For example, I never realized just how distracting it is that I move my head around so much when I act. I look like a little curious bobblehead monkey.

Anyway, the feedback I got on my audition was basically, "You were great- one of our favorites. But one of our collaborators didn't think you could pass for 18." Which I guess is a good thing . . . at least it wasn't within my control . . . but at the same time, why do I feel like it's my fault I don't look 18 anymore? It's this silly female mentality that we have to find the fountain of youth and if we don't then we become societal outcasts. But you know what? I think I look a helluva lot better now than I did when I was 18. My hair isn't all frizzy, I finally know how to put on eyeliner, and most of all I have confidence. When I was 18, my confidence was equivalent to how much a guy liked me or how many of my friends I could impress. Now I don't rely on anyone but myself for that. I've grown up. And I like it.

I feel like I'm about to start writing a self help book here so that's my cue to stop typing. That and I have to go re-paint my chipped fingernails so I can indeed actually look like the adult I am pretending to be. Have a great weekend everyone. I'll be getting into plenty of trouble myself;)

Growing up and Having Balls

2010-02-10T21:19:00.008-05:00

So I'm starting to get a lot of auditions. Nothing big yet. Just small indies and student films. BUT I can't get to some of them because I don't have a stupid car yet. (Yes, I just whined that sentence.) I was declined by Toyota Financial. Nothing makes you feel less like an adult than having to call your parents asking them to co-sign an application because you can't get a car on your own. All the more reason to live in NYC. What really pisses me off is that I missed a callback. I can't get a car because I don't have any money. I can't make any money because I don't have a car. Life is a big catch-22.

Yeah yeah, I know, I'm living the dream, yadda yadda yadda. I'm just a bit tired of my dream consisting of ramen noodles as my main meal of the day and sleeping on a bed that feels like a slab of rock. I know I shouldn't be complaining- there are so many worse things going on in the world. But I'm hungry and tired and just want to work NOW. Patience never was a virtue that I was blessed with.

Most of the auditions that I've made it to have been great. I've been getting really good feedback and more importantly feel good about my performances. I think I'm being a lot more laid back and natural in my performances than I was in New York which is good because being too "actory" was always my biggest problem. There was however one audition that was a mess. . .

I managed to finagle a ride from a friend and headed over to USC's campus (one of the best, if not the very best film school in the country) and walked in . . . to a stairwell. I looked around. Was this really where I was supposed to be? None of my other auditions at USC were like this. . . They were usually quite professional for student films. I sauntered up the stairs looking for a sign in sheet and was informed by a fellow actor that there was none. Really?!?! I don't know if I've ever been to an audition with so many people and no sign in sheet. I mean, use a napkin for all I care, but there has to be some order! But alas, there was none. I sat in the cold stairwell listening to the "producer" have actors one by one read the entire 10 page script behind a suspicious looking door. I waited around for an hour and finally decided I couldn't make my ride wait any longer so I gave my headshot and resume to the producer for future castings. He looked shocked that I was actually leaving. Mind you, it was 10pm by this time and my audition was scheduled for 9pm. Apparently most actors out here don't stick up for themselves or have balls. I guess I grew mine in New York.

Other than auditions, not much else is really going on. My social life is pretty good, though one of my closest friends out here was in a major car accident. He'll be ok in a couple months and I've gathered some movie ideas by spending time visiting him in the hospital. . . hey you have to get your inspiration from somewhere. I miss all my friends back east, but there is room on my friend card for everyone :) In the meantime I'll be working on trying to convince Toyota that regardless of my career choice, I am indeed (gasp) . . . an adult.

No Holds Barred

2010-02-03T15:16:00.006-05:00

It is so gosh darn beautiful out here. I sit in my backyard every morning with my laptop while I eat my breakfast and sip my coffee and think about how peaceful LA is. It's hard to be miserable when it's so nice outside. Yeah, I still get stressed about life and how I'm going to make it, but I don't feel as pressured as I did in NYC. It's nice. And I'm paving my own way out here. Well trying to anyway. . .

I crashed an audition yesterday.

There I said it. Whew, that felt good to admit. I felt SO guilty doing it, but I happened to be with a friend of mine who was auditioning and there happened to be a role that I would be good for so I went for it. I politely thanked the casting director for letting me crash and he said, "No problem. It happens all the time." That got me thinking. Maybe I need to start crashing more auditions. I would never do it for an actual studio project but for these small low budget indies? Why not? I don't have an agent submitting me for stuff so I have to take matters into my own hands.

As a friend of mine back in NYC just emailed me: But the important things is you are out there doing it!! Put the pedal to the metal . Don't lose focus of your mission. You are there to take over the world. No one will give it to you. You gotta grab it with both hands and take it yourself.

I am taking over the world people. One motherf'ing day at a time. Success will be mine. And if I have to get it by crashing a few auditions then so be it.

No holds barred.

LA, Old Men, and Bobcats

2010-01-29T13:51:00.003-05:00

Oh blog. I'm not even sure where to begin. My life is freakin CRAZY. Unfortunately I have to censor myself a bit here so I can't even delve into the full extent of craziness. Look out for my autobiography in 20 some years.

Audition wise, things are going ok. I've been on two so far. One was for a student film where I was reading for the role of a prostitute. I did pretty awesome, lol. I wore my Pretty Womanesque boots and rocked it. I got called back for that one but they ended up going with an older asian woman for the role so, ce la vie. The second audition I found out about because I was over at a friends house playing beer pong with the producer. Everyone is connected here. It's actually pretty cool. I didn't book that one, but felt like I did a good job with it. Weird thing is . . . in New York when you have a kiss in an audition scene, you usually don't do it during the audition. Or if you do, then you discuss it first. So imagine my surprise when I was layed on a big wet one . . . by a 70 year old man. Definitely the oldest person I've ever kissed, haha. By a few decades.

People out here have been really cool so far. I still don't have a car (finger's crossed it will go through today!) and people have been great about taking me places. I love New York to death, but people out here are just so much nicer. I mean, you can be held up in line at the grocery store for 20 minutes just because the cashier is chatting up the customers. Which was annoying at first, but I'm trying to slow down my East Coast Rush state of mind, so it's ok. Don't get me wrong. I love New York and miss it a lot. But this place is pretty damn cool too. One day when teleportation exists, I'll have the best of both worlds.

Oh and I was chased by a bobcat. My friend and I were leaving his place and there it was. Staring us down. I wasn't scared. I just started walking by, minding my own business. Until my friend (who is 6'4") started freaking out and tried to HIDE BEHIND ME. This obviously stirred up the large feline and he began to saunter towards us. Me being the super hero that I am, calmed down the cat and ushered us into the car with no problems. Just call me the cat whisperer.

So, off I go. Another day, another adventure. Life is just more fun when it's crazy.