LA, Old Men, and Bobcats

Oh blog. I'm not even sure where to begin. My life is freakin CRAZY. Unfortunately I have to censor myself a bit here so I can't even delve into the full extent of craziness. Look out for my autobiography in 20 some years.

Audition wise, things are going ok. I've been on two so far. One was for a student film where I was reading for the role of a prostitute. I did pretty awesome, lol. I wore my Pretty Womanesque boots and rocked it. I got called back for that one but they ended up going with an older asian woman for the role so, ce la vie. The second audition I found out about because I was over at a friends house playing beer pong with the producer. Everyone is connected here. It's actually pretty cool. I didn't book that one, but felt like I did a good job with it. Weird thing is . . . in New York when you have a kiss in an audition scene, you usually don't do it during the audition. Or if you do, then you discuss it first. So imagine my surprise when I was layed on a big wet one . . . by a 70 year old man. Definitely the oldest person I've ever kissed, haha. By a few decades.

People out here have been really cool so far. I still don't have a car (finger's crossed it will go through today!) and people have been great about taking me places. I love New York to death, but people out here are just so much nicer. I mean, you can be held up in line at the grocery store for 20 minutes just because the cashier is chatting up the customers. Which was annoying at first, but I'm trying to slow down my East Coast Rush state of mind, so it's ok. Don't get me wrong. I love New York and miss it a lot. But this place is pretty damn cool too. One day when teleportation exists, I'll have the best of both worlds.

Oh and I was chased by a bobcat. My friend and I were leaving his place and there it was. Staring us down. I wasn't scared. I just started walking by, minding my own business. Until my friend (who is 6'4") started freaking out and tried to HIDE BEHIND ME. This obviously stirred up the large feline and he began to saunter towards us. Me being the super hero that I am, calmed down the cat and ushered us into the car with no problems. Just call me the cat whisperer.

So, off I go. Another day, another adventure. Life is just more fun when it's crazy.

Cali Girl by Ballyhoo!

Started with an oridinary kiss

What she thought was permanent

Was a momentary bliss

She wants to go to him but

No, she don't see no ring

Cause she knows she ain't got time

For that kind of thing

Movin' on

What she said now

Miss her when she's gone

~Chorus~

She said she wants to go to california

That's what she wants the most

She don't need no discipline

She's leaving maryland

Dreams are on the west coast

So she goes from momentary bliss

Got to find something better than this

Cause even if she tries to change she'll be right back her someday

Cause her heart and head don't ever feel the same

Movin' on

What she said now

Miss her when she's gone

~Chorus~

She said she wants to go to california

That's what she wants the most

She don't need no discipline

She's leaving maryland

Dreams are on the west coast

Man, I swear this song is about me. Listen to it here

Ripping off the Band-Aid

Ok people, I'm back and ready to take on the world. As you may have noticed, I've been absent from this blog for the past two weeks. And the entries before that were, well maybe a bit depressing. Since arriving in LA, I've been through more emotions than my heart has ever handled at once. Hope, fear, sadness, guilt, doubt, happiness, love, excitement, loss, jealousy, empathy, drive, confusion, isolation, and so many many more.

It was last Tuesday when I reached the peak of my breakdown. I called my Mom in the morning and started sobbing. I wanted to go home and hide under my covers for a month. I wanted to be where no one could find me. I would find solace in my sleep. I talked to my Mom, my Dad, my sister, and eight of my closest friends that day. In retrospect, I am lucky to have so many people who love me in my life. My two oldest friends, Tini and Catalano got on the phone together and like true best friends exclaimed, "We were wondering when all of this would hit you!" Everyone understood why I was in the midst of an inner crisis.

The night before, I was sure that if anyone could actually spontaneously combust, then I would be a goner by morning. But after talking to those closest to me, I realized these feelings were normal. Anyone would be having them with all the major life changes that I had recently been through. I quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend of over 5 years, went through the holidays, packed up the apartment I shared with my ex, left a lot of awesome friends (some old, some I mourned for not having enough time with), and moved 3,000 MILES AWAY. Everything wasn't supposed to be ok. I could go home and feel sorry for myself, or I could start healing now.

I looked down at my feet in the sand, at the ocean in front of me, and the mountains in the distance. If I was going to heal, it was going to be here. Here, where though there will be plenty of rejection, there will also be many successes. Here where the air smells fresh and you can dig your toes into the soil at the top of a mountain and then watch the sunset by the sea. I have to go through this on my own. It might hurt now, but I will be better for it in the long run.

Just rip the Band-Aid off. And take on the world.

The Beginning

Ah, where do I begin? A month ago, I never could have imagined how quickly my life would change. I am finally in LA after a long journey, staring out at the beach. It is beautiful here. Here, is where I am going to find my soul again. Here is where I will get over the two heartbreaks of different types I've had in the past month. Here is where I will rediscover myself and reignite my passion. Here is where I will begin my new life.

I arrived in LA last night after two long plane rides. I took my two cats with me, (sidenote *if you have a doctors note saying you need your animals with you on board for your emotional stability then they get to ride for free. As opposed to paying $175 per animal. Do you even need to ask? Of course I got the note.) a suitcase, and my purse crammed full with my laptop along with the external hard drive of my life and boarded the plane. The first flight was fine. The second was delayed by two hours. In Minnesota. Where the high was -9 degrees. No, I did not go outside. I took my cats and set up camp by the pay-phones and watched TV on my friends computer. Luckily, we boarded and left exactly two hours later. If it had been any longer then we would have been stuck in - 9 degree weather because apparently the airport was shut down because of a potential bomb (turns out it was just a bottle of honey).

Anyway, to make a long story short, I am staying with a friend of mine who is being a complete angel. I am literally on the beach. As in, I walk out the front door onto the sand. Soon, I need to find my own place and a car, but more importantly I need to find myself first. As cheesy as it sounds, its true. I need to heal my heart, find my soul, and prepare myself to kick some ass.

Because that is why I am here. It is easy to get distracted in life, but my passion for acting is the one constant I have always had. I live for the next best part. As I stare out onto the beach, I know that this is going to be a good year. It has to be. It will be a year of healing and overcoming the impossible. I will find a way to succeed.

You Can Always Count on Alanis

Thanks to an old high school friend who told me to listen to this song. It describes what I'm feeling to a T. "Not As We" by Alanis Morissette.

"Not As We"

Reborn and shivering

Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing

This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again

Step one step one

I'm barely making sense for now

I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it

From scratch begin again but this time I as i

And not as we

Gun shy and quivering

Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent

little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again

Step one step one

with not much making sense just yet

I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it

From scratch begin again but this time I as i

And not as we

Eyes wet toward

Wide open frayed

If God's taking bets

I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again

Step one step one

I'm barely making sense just yet

I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it

From scratch begin again but this time I as I

And not as we

Emotions

My emotions are all over the place. I somehow thought that with the beginning of a new year, everything would suddenly be better. But it's not. I'm still trying to recover from a devastating breakup (which after more than 5 years is more equivalent to a divorce). I'm still trying to deal with the emotions of leaving a place that I've called my home for the past four years. And yes, I'm even trying to deal with the disappointment I see in my kitten's eyes every time I see them. As crazy as it sounds, every time Fergie looks at me, I feel like she is judging me for breaking up the family. I can't ever imagine going through an actual real divorce where kids are involved. It's enough to make me never want to date again.

I'm trying not to think about all of the changes. I'm just plowing along. Trying to forget about everything. I'm hoping LA really is the new beginning that I hope it will be. I'm just tired of crying. I want to be happy again. Not just content- I want to be ecstatically happy. All the time. And I want my cats to stop being so stressed out themselves.

I'm going to find a way to make this work. I know I'm going through the worst of it now and that things will get better. Things have to get better.