Now

(Tattoo I got three months ago for Emerson's Quote, "Hitch Your Wagon to a Star." Original artwork by my younger bro.)

I think there comes a point in everyone's lives where they can choose to either be consumed by the past or move forward with the future. I myself am finding myself at one of those crossroads. And I'm choosing to move on. To forget about what could have been and why it wasn't and move on to something beautiful and unexpected. Because the only thing worse than having a relationship or dream fail, is having it fail because it was never really given a chance.

A lot of my blog entries in the past year have been about moving on. I think I had a glimpse of what that meant but never truly understood it until recently. It doesn't mean forgetting your past, but it does mean not letting that past hinder your future any longer.

I've been quite introspective these past few months. I suppose it comes from heartbreak and not knowing my place in the world. But what I've come to realize is that you can't let something go just because of fear. You can't be down on yourself just because you're not sure of what the future holds for you. We live in a generation that is so all about the future that we forget that life is happening now. Maybe it took the mortality of a few people in my life over the past few months to make me finally realize that, and if so, then that is the greatest gift that has ever been given to me.

Wake up and Live now. Love now. Dream now. Act now.

Now is your life. Don't let it pass you by.

E

It Should Be Illegal to Be This Happy

Three months ago I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Today, I am at one of the happiest. I have spent the past couple months not just finding myself, but actually realizing that I'm pretty damn cool. Now, please don't take this in a conceded fashion- it's more about me realizing my self worth. A big part of that was me recognizing that the art of acting means more to me than the fame. And that live performance is where my heart lies. Which brings me to Wednesday night.

Oh. My. Goodness. I had one of the best nights of my life. Why, do you ask? Because I got to perform a jazz/burlesque number at Brooklyn Bowl, one of the most kick-ass venues in New York City. I danced in front of hundreds of people, including several of my bestest friends. Have you ever been in a room full of people you love? Because it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Just being onstage dancing again was so exhilarating that looking back, it's all a blur. I am so inspired by the bands that played and the other dance numbers that I feel revived in a way like never before. I am so excited about life right now and wake up every morning excited to start the day. (OK, that's a big fat lie- you all know I'm not a morning person by any means. But after I get my coffee and drink a big glass of ice water, I feel pretty damn good.)

Yes, life is good right now. Very good. And on that note I'm going to go take a nap before going to my friends bar to kick off a relaxing labor day weekend.

Keep on smiling people, keep on smiling :D

Changed

So, my dear blog readers. I have certainly been slacking in my posts. Basically this past month has been an awesome whirlwind of filming a couple projects, working odd jobs, going out on interesting dates, making new friends, taking aerial silk classes, joining a burlesque troupe, and hanging out in bars. It's been great. Really great. And then last night everything changed.

A friend of mine who I used to work with was hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. I guess I didn't realize exactly what that meant because I had planned on visiting him today, three days after it happened, which in retrospect was too late. Last night my friend got a call at 2am from the family saying his brain was closing down. I'm not going to go into details out of respect, but that hospital visit last night changed my life.

How something like this can happen to someone so young, so kind, and so bright is astounding to me. I don't understand. I don't think anyone does. None of this other stuff matters- the odd jobs, the boys, the partying. It just doesn't matter. What does matter are your friends and family. What matters is following your dreams and not worrying about the little things. Because this is your one life. And you just never know when it could be taken away from you.

I wish I had visited him last week when the thought randomly popped up in my mind to go say hi. Listen to your intuition. Be kind. Keep in contact with the people who have touched your lives. Live life to the fullest and be thankful that you wake up in the morning. This is your one and only life. Live it.

Playing in Thunderstorms

These past few days have been amazing. I've been auditioning, working, exploring my neighborhood, and making awesome new friends. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. Yeah, I've been on a string of bad dates (I mean, am I imagining things or is it not the appropriate thing for a guy to pay for dinner on the first date when he not only asked YOU out but also picked the place AND ordered for you?!?!?! I mean, let's face it, I've been out of the game for awhile so I may be a bit rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is something every guy over the age of 13 knows . . .)

I digress.

I find myself talking to complete strangers all the time, helping random people, and always having a smile to offer to someone who is struggling. I feel like I'm becoming a better person and the bitterness that once plagued my soul is dissipating. Sure, I don't think I believe in true love anymore (not for me anyway), but I'm thankful that I've gotten to love and be loved passionately a few times in my life. In short, I'm moving on and focusing on me and the impact I have on others. As long as I can be the best person I can possibly be, and make some kind of tiny influence on others' lives then I will be one happy girl.

And it certainly pumps up your confidence a bit when those people you do randomly talk to or help tell you what an amazing person you are. (Not that that's why I'm doing it obviously, but it does make you feel all glowy inside.)

Oh, and the best part of all? I'm playing again. Full on kid playing. Yeah, it may involve beer nowadays, but climbing trees, breaking into abandoned buildings, and dancing barefoot in Brooklyn puddles are what I live for. Shout out to A.Y. for being my partner in crime.

And now I shall sigh happily and nurse a glass of red wine. I may go out later tonight, I may not. But right now, I couldn't ask for better company :)

Laughing Through Life

Life has been fucking weird lately. Working my ass of to get jobs only to have them cancelled, falling head into cracked pavement for a guy who didn't want to catch me, (although who really knows because apparently in the 21st century when people want to end something they just never contact you again) [I mean, really REALLY? I miss the 1800's-Corsets, Horses, and Gentlemen? Umm, sign me up]), and then the clencher . . . randomly meeting said boy's ex only to find you absolutely adore her.

Lately I've felt like god is just laughing at me. Like, serious thunderstorm-causing laughs. I went over to my friend D's today to practice monologues, proceeded to cry about life for 20 minutes, and then made my way over to a bar to do a wine tasting for a bunch of drunks. When I walked into the restaurant I was (after some brief confusion about who I was) escorted to the marina. Confused as to where I would be setting up the tasting, I looked back and said, "I'm sorry, where am I going?"

"On the boat."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"On the boat."

"Um. You want me to go on that boat and do a wine tasting?"

"Yes, yes on boat!"

Ok, this is weird. But alright, whatever floats your boat (Seriously no pun intended there guys- I'm just that cool), I step up onto the deck of this sailing vessel and 50 pairs of eyes swiftly turn to me in question. I hear an announcer saying, "And here is E! Our wine connoisseur."

"Oh hi! Um . . . yes, I'm E. Nice to meet all of you."

A girl grabs me by the arm and drags me to the middle of the boat where I am to set up. I'm in the midst of popping open a bottle of cheap wine when I happen to glance over my shoulder and see a rope being thrown from the deck into the boat."

"Ahoy!"

What? WHAT?!?! THIS BOAT IS MOVING? WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

I mean really guys. I do these wine tastings at bars, restaurants, and liquor stores. How was I to ever expect that a boat in NEW YORK CITY none the less, was going to be thrown into the mix?

I ended up sailing through the hudson, down to the harbor, and around the statue of liberty for two hours . . . and it was magical. Absolutely, mind blowingly, soul-cleansing Magical. What I thought was going to be a crappy day of feeling sorry for myself ended up being one of my most favorite new york experiences ever. So, God may be laughing at me, but he's still throwing a me a bone every now and then.

- E

PS- No, I'm pretty sure he's still laughing at me. Did I tell you how after the boat, I went to an audition and was taught how to wrestle? Yeah, like actual wrestling. And get this. I'm good. Like, why the hell didn't I do this in highschool good. So yeah, if God had to pick a funny sport for me to actually be good at? Sure, it would probably be wrestling. Keep on laughing.

Love Lea Salonga

She has had such a wonderful career.

I Dreamed a Dream

Ghosts

Ghosts from another life,

Lingering, waiting, not sure

Where to go, how to leave their strife

Elusive peace, waiting for a cure

Plaguing all that they know

They whisper and haunt

Wondering where to go

Corrupting all whom they wish to taunt

Leave for good dear ghost,

For I cannot take your torture

As sweet as honey to the heart of most

As black as sewage to the soul of my aperture

Ghost, erase your words from my mind

Your touch from my skin

For I cannot move on from being of the blind

Until you are at peace again