Blame

BLame

Blame

blame

Eventually one sees the mistakes they have made. And the blame on others goes away. Because, really . . . the mistakes one has made are their own. And no one can be blamed on that but oneself. 

Just because I'm not contacting you doesn't mean I don't think about you every second of every day. It's messed  up. Horribly. 

Getting better. Day by day. By myself. Alone. Scariest, but most important words ever. 

How to get over betrayal? By friends, by a loved one, by someone you thought was your soulmate? How? Step by step. Day by day. Throwing yourself into work. Making art. There is nothing more painful in this world than learning the past year of your life has been a lie. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One word at a time. And hopefully . . . hopefully . . . one day . . . it will be better.

Guess That's What Happens When a Tornado Meets a Volcano

There are no words for this kind of pain.

They said it best

Reasons I'm Glad I Didn't Go Away Forever

Music
Bubble baths
Cat licks
Healing tears
The wind in my face
The sunshine
The clouds
The rain
The warmth
Deep belly laughs
Records
Kindness of strangers
Best friends
Cozy blankets
The giddiness of seeing yourself on tv when you randomly switch it on . . .

But most of all.
The outside.
Nature.
Beauty.
The Universe.



Taking care of Her for once.

My Expesive Lil Baby

I pretty much had one of the worst weeks ever. It all happened on Tuesday. I received the call. A call I've never ever ever ever gotten. I was fired. They said they couldn't disclose the reason (isn't that illegal?) but I was not to show up to any more of my shifts. Great.

Then I noticed clear cat vomit all over my apartment. Like ALL over. I picked up Jimmy and he was completely limp. Trying to stay calm, I rushed him over to the clinic where they admitted him immediately. Turns out he had swallowed TONS of thread from my sewing machine. It had wrapped all the way through his intestines and into his colon. Major major surgery. It was going to cost $1500 and if I didn't have half of it now they wouldn't take him and he would pass away. In tears, the angel of the receptionist helped me apply to an animal credit card immediately and because she worked her magic it was approved for exactly $1500.

Thank God.

My stomach has been in knots all week. It was a five hour surgery that he basically shouldn't have survived but did because he is so strong. He's home with me now and we have to make sure his bowels start working properly but he's not out of the woods.

Unfortunately, I can't stay home with him today because I (fortunately) am training for a new job. It's a bartending gig at a super awesome wine bar and I'm really nervous because it's just a trial run and I'm going to be thinking about Jimmy the whole time. But it's ok. I have to keep calm and carry on.

The perspective you get when something like this happens to someone you love is insane. I don't care about petty arguments anymore. I don't even care that I got fired anymore. My baby almost died and maybe if I hadn't gotten that call I wouldn't have woken up in time to see how sick he was.

Sigh. Ok. Off to go train. I'm really nervous. Wish me luck. And keep Jimmy in your thoughts.

Ten Years

I gotta say that this is weird. The tenth anniversary. I think everyone remembers where we were ten years ago. It's even weirder that I have to walk by the World Trade Center to get to work for the next couple days. Although I won't really be able to walk by. At first I was annoyed that I would have to walk about 30 blocks out of my way to get to my job (because most streets down there are closed for the next two days and my boats both depart from right next to the WTC). And then I started to feel bad. Not just feel bad, but watch the news and start sobbing because I thank God I've never had to go through anything like that and can't believe some of my fellow New Yorkers have had to be so strong during literally hell on earth for them.

And then I realized that not only is it a bit weird, but also a bit scary. Because I'm going to be down there, literally on ground zero on the tenth anniversary. And the media (which I know exaggerates to no extent), is talking about how there is going to be another attack tomorrow. After the Earthquake and Hurricane Irene, I know that I should take what the media says with a grain of salt. But it's still a bit unnerving to know that with all the warnings, tons of subways shut down, and roads completely shut off, that I somehow have to still get to work.

But that's what we should do, right? Not be scared. Not let these assholes who attacked us ten years ago to change our lives. So that's what I'll be doing today and tomorrow. I'm going to go to work like normal (even though I'll have to walk a shitload out of my way), be reverent to those who never could have imagined their fate on that horrible day, and be respectful to my country by leading my life like normal.

But we all know it won't be normal. We've all been affected by this. My ex had to stand by as a National Guardsmen at the Pentagon while burning bodies were pulled out. My current had to live in an apartment that smelled like burning bodies for three months. None of this is normal. I can't imagine how those who lost people have gotten by in the past ten years. But we shouldn't forget the affect that the terrorist attacks had on everyone. On humanity. No one should have to go through that. No one.

I'll be praying for everyone even though I don't necessarily believe in a higher power. But I'll still be praying. Just in case. And I'll be sending positive thoughts to everyone in NYC and DC tomorrow (today technically). I love you my fellow New Yorkers. I respect you even more.

Peace and Love,

E

Meh

I woke up suddenly and can't go back to sleep. I think it's a combo of a lot of things. Particularly an awful "casting" I went to today. I use the word casting lightly because I'm pretty sure it was just some young dude on a power trip who didn't actually have anything to cast. The way he was talking to the girls in front of me was awful. I almost left. I should have left. But I "interviewed" anyway and wouldn't let him break me down like he did the others. And he did not like that. Nope not at all. I'm not even going to go into the awful things he said to me.

I'm so tired of this lifestyle. I just want a peaceful life. My soul is getting too old and wary to continue living my life like I'm still 25.

Because I'm not anymore.

I just don't want any drama in my life. I want to somehow exterminate all the fake assholes in this business that waste our time just because they know they can get a bunch of pretty girls into a room if they hold a "casting." And I want my freaking ankle to heal. It's been a month since I sprained it and it's absolutely killing me now. I want to be able to wear heels again. And I'm tired of living in a tiny crappy dust and cat hair filled apartment that feels like it's going to collapse with every truck that drives by. I want a house. I want a yard. I want a garden that I can grow fresh vegetables in.

Ok, I know I'm just whining now. I'm usually a glass filled half way kinda gal, but this morning I feel a big load of emotional crap.

Meh.