One Hot Mess

I have to say that I think I am dealing with this breakup with much more grace than any breakup in the past. I guess it just shows how much I’ve grown up over the past few years. Yes, you read that correctly: break up. The BF of over five years and I have decided to part ways. That accounts for the lack of posts lately. I just haven’t been able to talk about it. I am extremely sad and love him very much, but it just isn’t right. Not right now anyway. I am still fiercely protective over him so unless you want to be on my bad side, please do not say anything negative about him. And out of respect for both of us and our relationship, I am not going to delve into the details here. He is a good man and I am a good woman. We just were no longer good together.

Though we both see that its time to separate, that doesn’t mean this is easy. Oh no. I learned on Day One that I needed to start rocking the waterproof mascara instead of the regular stuff. There is no telling when I am about to break out into tears. It could be when I’m checking my email at work, when I’m walking down the street, or when I’m about to go to sleep at night. Just the other day, my cat scratched me and I laid down on the floor and bawled like a baby for 15 minutes. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through. After five years, the term “break up” seems too pat. (I really hate that term, “too pat” but read it in a script recently and it seems very apropos at the moment). It’s more like a divorce.

It doesn’t help that my entire life is changing in unimaginable ways. I gave my two weeks notice at MHDJ, which though I complain about, has been just about the only constant work in my life since moving to New York. I am moving to LA. I don’t know where I will live in said city. I don’t know how I will get around and need to purchase a car. I have no money. I need to move out of my apartment here and rent a storage unit. But storage units cost $250 a month and there’s no way I’m paying that unless I’m living in it too. Add on top of that a couple health scares and I am one hot mess. Don’t even get me started on what I am going to do about health insurance.

Yes, a hot mess just about covers it all. I’m scared and confused and lonely. But I have to keep punching forward. It is times like these that define who we are. And I need to come out on top. Regardless of how many tubes of waterproof mascara I may need to buy.