Chipping Away at Life

The paint on my nails is already chipped from a glamourous photoshoot just days before in a land of glitz and glam. A land that is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, but with some of the most depressed people I've ever met. And here I am, in the most dejected/deserted city in the nation, with some of the happiest people I have ever known.

But I'm tired. Tired of feeling. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I have so many contradicting emotions that I don't know what to do with. Tired of talking about it all. And I'm pissed. I'm pissed at my grandma for dying (though I know this is completely illogical- I know it was her time), I'm pissed at myself for not spending more time with her in the past year. I'm sad because I don't think I'll ever find the kind of love that she and my grandfather had.

I'm stressed because the job prospect I had in NYC is probably falling through because I can't get back there in time because of the funeral. I'm already tired of couch surfing and it hasn't even begun yet. I'm tired of wondering if other people have the same feelings as me, or if they even feel anything at all. I'm upset because everyone asks everyone else how their significant other is doing, and then when they get to me, ask me how my cats are. I'm sorrowful because I don't think the love I want even exists in this day and age.

And more than anything, I'm sad. I have a deep sadness in me that I know no one can cure but myself. I'm sad because I'm a year older and feel like I've fallen behind where I was a year ago. I'm sad that I had to leave a wonderful man because I wanted something more. Something that I am not so sure I'll ever find. I'm sad because I wish my great love would hurry up and find me and wipe away my tears.

I'm pissed that I spent the past five years so focused on my career, that I let life slip me by. Sometimes I want to give up on it all. Say fuck it, and resign myself to the fact that I'm going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me.

I know this feeling will pass. I know that I in turn, can be one of the happiest people around and light up other people's lives. But right now . . . right now sucks big donkey balls.

I feel like a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. I just want to feel normal again. But to do that, I have to stop feeling so much. I have to do whatever is possible to numb myself to the pain and confusion. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love acting so much. I get to forget everything and be someone else.

Yes, the paint on my nails is almost completely chipped off. And with it is any sense of normalcy I may have experienced in these 20 something years.