The past two nights I have awoken in the middle of the night, clothes soaked in cold sweat. Perhaps it is partially the change of seasons along with the knowledge that I've been slacking over the past month but the nightmares about my future become more intense every night. Money. Success. Plans. I have been very committed to living in the "now" lately, but sometimes thoughts of non-existing savings accounts, 401K's, and future career plans creep up on me and choke me until I awake gasping for air.
What am I doing here in NYC? Surviving. That's the first thought that comes to mind. Right now, I am surviving. Yes, a year ago I was doing a lot more career wise, but after all the changes in the past year, the only thing I can focus 100 percent on is just to survive. And so far . . . well I'm here, so I guess I'm accomplishing that. But it's scary. Not having a real job, living gig to gig, not doing any acting work that I truly believe in . . . it's pretty goddamn scary.
I look at the roles Hilary Swank has played in her lifetime. Everything from Boys Don't Cry to Million Dollar Baby, and I feel both inspired and defeated at the same time. Inspired, because those are the types of roles I have always wanted to play. Defeated because I'm afraid I'll never have the opportunity to shoot a script even an iota as intriguingly amazing as those. All I want is one film, just one, that I truly believe in. One script with a strong female character that I can bring to life and hopefully affect others. One character that can speak to the hearts of the viewers and change even just one person's life.
There is no formula to this business. It's one of the most unfair and unequal careers you can choose, and all of us doing it are absolutely insane. But we do it because there is nothing we love more. Because when we do get those roles we believe in, when we do get paid for our talent, when we do get to bring an inspirational character to life . . . well those are the best moments you can ask for. And the joy you feel for even a few minutes while performing is enough to outweigh the misery and uncertainty that can last a lifetime.
E
Hey E. Hang in there. I've been through that before. When I lost my job at Digitas, I spent a lot of time on my fire escape staring at the sky and wondering how I will know when to give up. It's a hard thought to have. I got lucky and had a friend completely save my ass. Hopefully you'll have that angel come through and give you that boost you need. I've got faith in you.
ReplyDeleteScott
Erin, I envy your courage and passion. I have lived a life of mediocrity because I never had a passion for anything.
ReplyDeleteYou're still young enough to fulfill your dreams.
Jim Croce has a line in one of his songs that says "There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do, once you find them"
Well I'm 62 and I still don't know what I'd do if I could start over.
So again I tip my hat to you. I'm in your corner. You have passion and talent and youth.
Please don't give up.I want to brag to my friends that I "knew you when"
Be Well,God Bless
Your friend and fan
Anthony Esposito