The Complexity of Relationships

I walk a fine line on this blog of divulging too much personal information vs. being too general. My dating life since December has been absolutely soap-opera insane. Like, you can't make this shit up. I wish so much that I could share it publicly because I have a slew of hilarious stories but I have to respect other people's feelings and privacy. But suffice it to say that I went from a straight-laced military guy (wonderful person) to a hipster southern writer boy (a great guy at heart) to an indie rock band shaggy haired tattooed boy. And then there was the other writer dude and an actor boy in the mix. Oh and another southern boy too. And a few odd dates with random coffee shop boys. This may make me sound like a serial dater, but after being in a relationship for five years, I was ready to expand my horizons. I met some amazing guys. Amazing for other people, just not for me.

What bothers me though is that none of these people (except for current rocker boyfriend) are in my life anymore. I love each of them in different ways but the underlying theme is that each and every one of them were so special and important in the formation of the new E. The liberated confident E. I don't quite understand why they're not in my life anymore . . . but I guess all people can't be friends with their exes. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe everything happened too fast. Maybe I acted too psycho (well that's a definite for one of them. But I'm TOTALLY not divulging the crazy stuff I did on this blog. You'll have to wait for my tell-all biography in 20 years. And even then I might be too embarrassed to spill the crazy beans). But if I got to have a room full of everyone I love and care about, most of them would make that list.

It's a weird dynamic, that one between male and female. I mean, you don't break up with your friends and never speak to them again, right? But I guess it's difficult to go from that romantic relationship to a platonic friendship based one.

Anywoo, just some thoughts on relationships. The boy I'm dating now is the kindest/most intriguing/weirdest person I've ever met. Who knows if it will work out or if I'll end up losing another friend as time goes by.

But for true love, I'm willing to take that chance ;)

E

Sail Away

Every Tuesday until this week, I got to go sailing around the city. I was working as a wine connoisseur on a boat. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Who ever would have thought that I would become a sailor in New York City? Granted, I didn't help out much (except to get out of the way of the crew), but it was mind blowing.

The stresses of living in New York City are insane. It's hard to get away from people. I used to think that every day here was a fight, but now I see it more as a gift. Your attitude towards the city determines which kind of experience you are going to have. Do you go aggressively out into the street just daring people to walk into you? Or do you leave your apartment with a smile on your face and say hi to the neighbors that you pass by?

I digress.

Regardless of your view on the city, it is still difficult to live here. Difficult financially, personally, and career-wise. This city is a prime example of the work hard/play hard mentality. So every Tuesday to me this summer was a blessing. A time where I got to forget all my worries and sail around the statue of liberty at sunset. I could hear nothing but the lap of the water on the boat and could feel nothing but the cool breeze gently caressing my face. And my mind would be cleared. All the financial worries that have plagued me all summer long would vanish. It was an amazing way to recharge each week.

Unfortunately it's a seasonal job so it's over now. Us actors take on odd odd jobs to pay the bills. And this was by far one of my favorite. But at least now when I stress out and worry about all the little things, I can go to a place mentally that will help me remember what life is really about.

Good New York Vibes

It suddenly strikes me just how narcissistic blogging is. I mean, I guess the whole point of having a blog is to have an online diary, but really . . . why would I think that anyone would care about anything I have to say? Anyway, just some thoughts. It seems silly that we all care so much about the tiny details in life when there are people starving and dying from evil and war. Then again, if we didn't bask in the tiny details of our lives and if we instead dwelled on how terrible the world could be then we'd probably all sink into deep depressions and become shells of one another. And what fun would life be if we were all shells? Anyway . . . please excuse the tangent.

A couple weeks ago I was on my way to a job when a guy came onto the subway singing. Now normally, this would go almost unnoticed. It seems like there is always someone singing on the subway. Whether it's a homeless man trying to make some extra change, or if it's a barbershop quartet that you know has rehearsed for hours. But this man . . . this man was different. He had a giant smile on his face and made eye contact in a way that made your soul grin. And then it happened.

"Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow"

And then the first person joined in.

"Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on"

Two more joined.

"For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."

Six people are now singing. Including myself.

"Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on."

Half the Subway car.

"Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."

It was an amazing New York moment. In this day and age where we are bombarded with horrible news stories everyday, one person had a message. And he left a whole subway car smiling ear to ear with a whole new positive outlook on life. "Lean on me," the stranger says. Because as many bad people that there may be in the world, there sure are a heckofalotof good ones too. And that one morning on my way to a job, I happened to be in a subway car full of them.

Rainy Day Monday

The past two nights I have awoken in the middle of the night, clothes soaked in cold sweat. Perhaps it is partially the change of seasons along with the knowledge that I've been slacking over the past month but the nightmares about my future become more intense every night. Money. Success. Plans. I have been very committed to living in the "now" lately, but sometimes thoughts of non-existing savings accounts, 401K's, and future career plans creep up on me and choke me until I awake gasping for air.

What am I doing here in NYC? Surviving. That's the first thought that comes to mind. Right now, I am surviving. Yes, a year ago I was doing a lot more career wise, but after all the changes in the past year, the only thing I can focus 100 percent on is just to survive. And so far . . . well I'm here, so I guess I'm accomplishing that. But it's scary. Not having a real job, living gig to gig, not doing any acting work that I truly believe in . . . it's pretty goddamn scary.

I look at the roles Hilary Swank has played in her lifetime. Everything from Boys Don't Cry to Million Dollar Baby, and I feel both inspired and defeated at the same time. Inspired, because those are the types of roles I have always wanted to play. Defeated because I'm afraid I'll never have the opportunity to shoot a script even an iota as intriguingly amazing as those. All I want is one film, just one, that I truly believe in. One script with a strong female character that I can bring to life and hopefully affect others. One character that can speak to the hearts of the viewers and change even just one person's life.

There is no formula to this business. It's one of the most unfair and unequal careers you can choose, and all of us doing it are absolutely insane. But we do it because there is nothing we love more. Because when we do get those roles we believe in, when we do get paid for our talent, when we do get to bring an inspirational character to life . . . well those are the best moments you can ask for. And the joy you feel for even a few minutes while performing is enough to outweigh the misery and uncertainty that can last a lifetime.

E

Now

(Tattoo I got three months ago for Emerson's Quote, "Hitch Your Wagon to a Star." Original artwork by my younger bro.)

I think there comes a point in everyone's lives where they can choose to either be consumed by the past or move forward with the future. I myself am finding myself at one of those crossroads. And I'm choosing to move on. To forget about what could have been and why it wasn't and move on to something beautiful and unexpected. Because the only thing worse than having a relationship or dream fail, is having it fail because it was never really given a chance.

A lot of my blog entries in the past year have been about moving on. I think I had a glimpse of what that meant but never truly understood it until recently. It doesn't mean forgetting your past, but it does mean not letting that past hinder your future any longer.

I've been quite introspective these past few months. I suppose it comes from heartbreak and not knowing my place in the world. But what I've come to realize is that you can't let something go just because of fear. You can't be down on yourself just because you're not sure of what the future holds for you. We live in a generation that is so all about the future that we forget that life is happening now. Maybe it took the mortality of a few people in my life over the past few months to make me finally realize that, and if so, then that is the greatest gift that has ever been given to me.

Wake up and Live now. Love now. Dream now. Act now.

Now is your life. Don't let it pass you by.

E

It Should Be Illegal to Be This Happy

Three months ago I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Today, I am at one of the happiest. I have spent the past couple months not just finding myself, but actually realizing that I'm pretty damn cool. Now, please don't take this in a conceded fashion- it's more about me realizing my self worth. A big part of that was me recognizing that the art of acting means more to me than the fame. And that live performance is where my heart lies. Which brings me to Wednesday night.

Oh. My. Goodness. I had one of the best nights of my life. Why, do you ask? Because I got to perform a jazz/burlesque number at Brooklyn Bowl, one of the most kick-ass venues in New York City. I danced in front of hundreds of people, including several of my bestest friends. Have you ever been in a room full of people you love? Because it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Just being onstage dancing again was so exhilarating that looking back, it's all a blur. I am so inspired by the bands that played and the other dance numbers that I feel revived in a way like never before. I am so excited about life right now and wake up every morning excited to start the day. (OK, that's a big fat lie- you all know I'm not a morning person by any means. But after I get my coffee and drink a big glass of ice water, I feel pretty damn good.)

Yes, life is good right now. Very good. And on that note I'm going to go take a nap before going to my friends bar to kick off a relaxing labor day weekend.

Keep on smiling people, keep on smiling :D

Changed

So, my dear blog readers. I have certainly been slacking in my posts. Basically this past month has been an awesome whirlwind of filming a couple projects, working odd jobs, going out on interesting dates, making new friends, taking aerial silk classes, joining a burlesque troupe, and hanging out in bars. It's been great. Really great. And then last night everything changed.

A friend of mine who I used to work with was hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. I guess I didn't realize exactly what that meant because I had planned on visiting him today, three days after it happened, which in retrospect was too late. Last night my friend got a call at 2am from the family saying his brain was closing down. I'm not going to go into details out of respect, but that hospital visit last night changed my life.

How something like this can happen to someone so young, so kind, and so bright is astounding to me. I don't understand. I don't think anyone does. None of this other stuff matters- the odd jobs, the boys, the partying. It just doesn't matter. What does matter are your friends and family. What matters is following your dreams and not worrying about the little things. Because this is your one life. And you just never know when it could be taken away from you.

I wish I had visited him last week when the thought randomly popped up in my mind to go say hi. Listen to your intuition. Be kind. Keep in contact with the people who have touched your lives. Live life to the fullest and be thankful that you wake up in the morning. This is your one and only life. Live it.