SMILE!

My mind and body are exhausted but I can't sleep so I find myself at a local Williamsburg bar with wireless (still need to call the cable company so I can get internet in my apartment). So . . . what's been going on? I barely know myself. I gave myself a July 1st deadline to pull my life together, but for once I think I'm actually ahead of schedule. I'm happy. I frequently catch myself walking down the street with a smile on my face for no reason. It's nice. Yeah, nights get a hella lonely, but hey, that's what cuddling with my cats are for.

Work is stressful because I'm living gig to gig. Last week was good for work, but this week looks a wee bit slow. I've never had to live paycheck to paycheck before and it's not something I wish on anyone. I am determined to live the life I want to live though. If I can survive by just doing what I love then I will have found success. Even if it is paycheck to paycheck for a while.

I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. I was working in Coney Island on Saturday (doing a wine tasting- I love people and I love wine, so why not?) and it was blazing hot. So what did I do when I got off? I briefly thought about stripping down to my skivvies and diving into the ocean but then regretfully pondered my underwear choice of the morning (pale yellow- not great when submerged in water). But then I thought, you know what? Fuck it. You only live once. And if I have to flash half of Coney Island to cool off, then so be it. (Ok, ok, I'm not THAT ballsy. I kept on a long tank top, but it was still pretty invigorating.)

I dove in. And I swam. I swam in that dirty city water and had the time of my life. I can't even begin to describe the happiness I felt while floating on my back in the Atlantic. After I had sufficiently cooled down, I made my way back to the boardwalk where I watched a Puerto Rican dance party and chatted with drag queens. And for the first time in God knows how long, I was glad that I was by myself. I didn't have to worry about someone else judging me or being uncomfortable. I made my own rules. I was on my own time table. And it was . . . refreshing. Refreshing in a way I haven't felt in years.

I've been playing a lot lately and it's awesome. I don't know where along the line adults stopped playing. Yeah, I might still act like I'm five, but who cares? I'm professional and responsible when I need to be, so I can act like a child on my off time.

So get out there people. Stop staring at your computer in your cubicle and go play. Go run around the block and act like a lunatic. Try doing some Parkour in the stairwell. Just go play. I promise you, you'll be happy that you did.

And smile. If you're lucky enough to be looking at a computer, then life is pretty damn good :)

I Can Fly

Swinging through the air

Reaching for bright balls of fire

Twisting, turning all around

Getting stuck and tangled

Unravelling and pulling up again.

Two feet at a time

Plus a little strength

Flipping upside down and all around

Nothing but the body and thoughts

Using mind over matter

Silk between the hands, under the feet

Wrapped around the body

Burning skin set ablaze

Push a little bit more

Try a little harder

And Fly

I learned how to fly today.

In more ways than one.

La Vie Boheme!

Time for me. Time for the feelings of guilt, longing, jealousy, confusion, lust, sadness, and loss to be thrown out the window. Time to stop beating myself up for not being where I want to be and to do something about it. Time to put myself before anyone else for the first time in my life. Time to be selfish. It's Time.

I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I’m not obsessing over acting as much as I used to, which is a good thing. It’s still obviously a huge part of my life that I work on everyday, but I’m trying to no longer judge myself for not being quite where I want to be. Because I know I'm going to get there one day. I’m rediscovering my love for things that have been put on the backburner over the past couple years. I’m starting to dance again (haven’t been doing it since my knee surgery in college). I’m going to start playing the piano and singing again so that I can get back to the point where I was at my prime. I’m getting back into live performances, my first and purest love.

I’m getting my act together so I can be me again. I’m starting to remember who I was at my core before I became someone else’s. And I’m excited as hell.

This is gonna be fuckin good people. Scary, and maybe a little bit crazy, but good. Very good.

La Vie Boheme!

Hope

I miss the days of sprinklers and climbing trees. I miss playing in the yard and being excited about all the possibilities in the world. I miss being young and innocent enough that I still saw faeries and infinite possibilities in everything. I miss playing dress up with my sister and putting plays on for the neighborhood. I miss the days when everything was simple. When an ice cold glass of water was enough to make me happy. When I believed in everything. I believed in dreams. I believed in love. I believed in happy endings.

I miss playing foursquare with the neighbors on our long driveway. I miss playing in thunderstorms and the excitement of stomping barefoot in puddles and running from the lightning, (though I never actually ran. I was always too intrigued by the electricity in the air). I miss warm towels, tulips growing in the garden, and rolling down hills for so long that my skin got itchy from the grass. I miss reading a good book by the potbelly fireplace in the winter and out on the swing in the summer. I miss the sizzling sound the stove made when snow hit it as we warmed ourselves from the winter storms.

I miss the hope I had as a child.

Because the older I get, the less hope I have in everything. But I can't help but hold on to a little. I know I'm naive, and I should just give up when reality slaps me in the face, but I can't. I still have that childish hope that everything will work out. But that hope is challenged on a daily bases. It was challenged for five years. It was challenged and taken away from me in November. It was challenged my entire time in LA. And it's being challenged once again, here in NYC.

At what point does hope end and stupidity begin?

Thank You

I have seen and felt so much beauty in the world lately. The gentle caress of someone you care about. The laughter of your best friend's voice on the other end of the phone. The joy of instantly bonding with a new friend. The cheerful hello from a stranger. I love it all. I have moments where I am so happy that I could burst. And those moments are truly what has been helping me get through all of this. All of this apartment hunting, job searching, coming to terms with being in the city without my ex this time around, trying to figure out my place in this world . . . everything.

You all know who you are and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I am so so very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I won't forget it.

And those of you who haven't been there for me? Well I won't forget that either. ;) No, that's not a threat, (or is it?) Mwahahahaha.

No, but seriously. You all have been amazing. The messages and emails of support I've gotten from people have been astounding. I'm very lucky to have surrounded myself with such positive people.

Much Love,
E

Does Lady Luck Decide Your Fate?

I can't believe I'm the age that I am, (and no I'm not telling how old that may be). Although we all age at the same rate, I seem to be the only one getting any older. And that only means one thing to me. That I have less and less time to "make it" as an actress. Some would argue that I've already made it. After all, I get paid to be in films/on TV/onstage. But I have yet to do something that I am passionately proud of. Part of this is because I'm by far my own worst critic (with the exception of maybe my dad ;) ) and part of it is because I don't have a "name" yet so I'm pretty much restricted to lower budget things.

It's always bothered me that someone else pretty much decides your fate as an actor. Oh, you can take all the classes you want, practice like crazy, and go to tons of seminars, but what it boils down to is being in the right place at the right time. Yes, it takes talent. But it takes a helluva lot of luck too. You can give the best audition of your life, but if the men behind the table don't like you . . . well there's nothing you can do about it.

Or so I thought.

Until I decided to start my own production company. A year ago, I discovered a deep passion for writing that had been buried for years. It stems from the same place as my love for acting. A deep desire for bringing characters to life. Because they're not really "characters" at all. They're you. They're me. They're your best friend. Your worst enemy. Your lover. Your neighbor. The old man down the street that you say hi to every morning. And so much more. I've always wondered while passing by strangers what their story is. What makes them who they are. Where their neurosis stem from.

And now, not only do I get to bring these stories and people to life. I get to create them as well. I get to research and discover why that person is the way that they are. And hopefully through this, I can bring a little light and perspective to other people as well.

And if I happen to be my own Lady Luck? Well that's a pretty damn big bonus.

It's Time

So it finally hit me the other day. I don't have to be miserable anymore! It's totally a choice. There are people in far worse circumstances than me who make it through the day with a smile on their face, so why can't I? I can! So, here's to me being happy. Yeah, I don't have a place to live yet, but I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends and people in my life who have housed me over the past few weeks. Yeah, I don't have a real job, but I've gotten a helluva lot of freelance work considering I've only been back . . .(gasp) a month! What!?!?!?! I just looked at a calendar. I can't believe it's been a month already. I feel like it's only been two weeks. But not to panic. It must mean I'm having a pretty damn good time if time is flying by so fast.

It's time to move on from my past. It's hard. Like grasping for straws that are halfway filled with cement, but it's time. It's time to make this city mine again. I'm excited and scared and happy and nervous and inspired all at the same time. Things are not only going to work out, they're going to be great.

It's time to be my own light.