Not ok

I'm not ok. There I admitted it. I'm tired of constantly saying, "Oh yeah, I'm doing great!" I'm not. Things are not ok. But they will be. They have to be.

I am in a constant battle of depression vs. happiness. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face but it's not working. I wonder why I felt the need to up and leave everything and everyone that I know and love to come to a strange land completely alone. I feel so isolated. I'm a people person and I'm realizing that I hate being alone. In the shower I can't tell where the water ends and the tears begin. I try to be responsible. I try to make my eggs and toast in the morning and even make my bed. But I lean towards the self destructive. I want to give up. I want to move back to the east coast where I can be closer to my parents, my baby nephew, all my friends and loved ones. But I know that will only bring momentary happiness. Eventually I'll get restless again and wonder why I left the west coast.

Strangers here want to help. But I need to learn to do this by myself. I need to learn once and for all how to depend on myself for my own happiness and no one else. I don't know what I believe when it comes to religion, but if there's a god, I think that's what he must want from me right now.

I have spouts of fleeting happiness. I got an agent yesterday- exactly two months after I moved here. I was in New York for 4 years and only freelanced with agents. So that's great news. Really really great news. But I have no one to celebrate it with out here.

I want to give up. I want to go back to the home where I grew up and just cry for a month and have my mom take care of me. I want to forget that I'm an adult with responsibilities and dreams. I want to be surrounded by love instead of strangers.

But then I go to an audition. And for the five minutes that I'm in there, I am in utter bliss. It is the happiest that I ever feel. For five minutes I get to be someone else. I get to create a different world, bringing another person to life. Those five minutes are what I am risking everything for. I have to make it out here. I'm giving up any semblance of a normal life until I do. Acting means everything to me. And if leaving my entire life to come here with a suitcase and two cats doesn't prove that then I don't know what does. Sometimes I think having this dream is a curse. But in the end it's always worth it. At the end of a shoot day I always have a peaceful contentedness that tells me I'm doing exactly what I should be.

So chin up. Time to move forward. No, I'm not ok right now. But I will be.