SMILE!

My mind and body are exhausted but I can't sleep so I find myself at a local Williamsburg bar with wireless (still need to call the cable company so I can get internet in my apartment). So . . . what's been going on? I barely know myself. I gave myself a July 1st deadline to pull my life together, but for once I think I'm actually ahead of schedule. I'm happy. I frequently catch myself walking down the street with a smile on my face for no reason. It's nice. Yeah, nights get a hella lonely, but hey, that's what cuddling with my cats are for.

Work is stressful because I'm living gig to gig. Last week was good for work, but this week looks a wee bit slow. I've never had to live paycheck to paycheck before and it's not something I wish on anyone. I am determined to live the life I want to live though. If I can survive by just doing what I love then I will have found success. Even if it is paycheck to paycheck for a while.

I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. I was working in Coney Island on Saturday (doing a wine tasting- I love people and I love wine, so why not?) and it was blazing hot. So what did I do when I got off? I briefly thought about stripping down to my skivvies and diving into the ocean but then regretfully pondered my underwear choice of the morning (pale yellow- not great when submerged in water). But then I thought, you know what? Fuck it. You only live once. And if I have to flash half of Coney Island to cool off, then so be it. (Ok, ok, I'm not THAT ballsy. I kept on a long tank top, but it was still pretty invigorating.)

I dove in. And I swam. I swam in that dirty city water and had the time of my life. I can't even begin to describe the happiness I felt while floating on my back in the Atlantic. After I had sufficiently cooled down, I made my way back to the boardwalk where I watched a Puerto Rican dance party and chatted with drag queens. And for the first time in God knows how long, I was glad that I was by myself. I didn't have to worry about someone else judging me or being uncomfortable. I made my own rules. I was on my own time table. And it was . . . refreshing. Refreshing in a way I haven't felt in years.

I've been playing a lot lately and it's awesome. I don't know where along the line adults stopped playing. Yeah, I might still act like I'm five, but who cares? I'm professional and responsible when I need to be, so I can act like a child on my off time.

So get out there people. Stop staring at your computer in your cubicle and go play. Go run around the block and act like a lunatic. Try doing some Parkour in the stairwell. Just go play. I promise you, you'll be happy that you did.

And smile. If you're lucky enough to be looking at a computer, then life is pretty damn good :)

I Can Fly

Swinging through the air

Reaching for bright balls of fire

Twisting, turning all around

Getting stuck and tangled

Unravelling and pulling up again.

Two feet at a time

Plus a little strength

Flipping upside down and all around

Nothing but the body and thoughts

Using mind over matter

Silk between the hands, under the feet

Wrapped around the body

Burning skin set ablaze

Push a little bit more

Try a little harder

And Fly

I learned how to fly today.

In more ways than one.

La Vie Boheme!

Time for me. Time for the feelings of guilt, longing, jealousy, confusion, lust, sadness, and loss to be thrown out the window. Time to stop beating myself up for not being where I want to be and to do something about it. Time to put myself before anyone else for the first time in my life. Time to be selfish. It's Time.

I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I’m not obsessing over acting as much as I used to, which is a good thing. It’s still obviously a huge part of my life that I work on everyday, but I’m trying to no longer judge myself for not being quite where I want to be. Because I know I'm going to get there one day. I’m rediscovering my love for things that have been put on the backburner over the past couple years. I’m starting to dance again (haven’t been doing it since my knee surgery in college). I’m going to start playing the piano and singing again so that I can get back to the point where I was at my prime. I’m getting back into live performances, my first and purest love.

I’m getting my act together so I can be me again. I’m starting to remember who I was at my core before I became someone else’s. And I’m excited as hell.

This is gonna be fuckin good people. Scary, and maybe a little bit crazy, but good. Very good.

La Vie Boheme!

Hope

I miss the days of sprinklers and climbing trees. I miss playing in the yard and being excited about all the possibilities in the world. I miss being young and innocent enough that I still saw faeries and infinite possibilities in everything. I miss playing dress up with my sister and putting plays on for the neighborhood. I miss the days when everything was simple. When an ice cold glass of water was enough to make me happy. When I believed in everything. I believed in dreams. I believed in love. I believed in happy endings.

I miss playing foursquare with the neighbors on our long driveway. I miss playing in thunderstorms and the excitement of stomping barefoot in puddles and running from the lightning, (though I never actually ran. I was always too intrigued by the electricity in the air). I miss warm towels, tulips growing in the garden, and rolling down hills for so long that my skin got itchy from the grass. I miss reading a good book by the potbelly fireplace in the winter and out on the swing in the summer. I miss the sizzling sound the stove made when snow hit it as we warmed ourselves from the winter storms.

I miss the hope I had as a child.

Because the older I get, the less hope I have in everything. But I can't help but hold on to a little. I know I'm naive, and I should just give up when reality slaps me in the face, but I can't. I still have that childish hope that everything will work out. But that hope is challenged on a daily bases. It was challenged for five years. It was challenged and taken away from me in November. It was challenged my entire time in LA. And it's being challenged once again, here in NYC.

At what point does hope end and stupidity begin?