Thursday, April 30, 2009
I received another rejection letter, which I am actually quite happy about. I feel that I have reached a new height in my career now that people are actually writing to me to say I wasn’t quite right for a part, as opposed to before when I just wouldn’t hear back. The email was actually very nice and stated:
Thanks so much for coming in to audition on Monday. I can tell you take your craft very seriously and I think you've got a lot of talent. You're very attractive but not exactly what I'm looking for to play-------, who's got more of a punkish vibe. However, I have a lot of projects coming up this year and I will keep you in mind. I sincerely hope we can work together in the future, and I think you will have a great career. Let's stay in touch.
You know you’re in a bizarre business when you measure success by how well you get rejected. But, it makes me feel good to know that even if I’m not what people are looking for this time, at least I’m making connections. Though, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree about me not being punk enough. I mean, come on. I was a pretty damn good punk for the zombie highschool party. Ok, ok, I know that I don’t look punkish at all, but that’s what scissors and pink hair dye is for, right?
Anywoo, I’m making candles tonight to sell at my part time job’s employee craft fair next week. It’s my job to organize the fair but I waited to the last minute this time and very few vendors are available, so it looks like it’s going to turn into E’s junk fair.
I’ve never made candles. Hopefully I won’t burn down our combustible building.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I have the COOLEST kitten ever. We got him from a shelter so he is used to life in a cage, and when we let him loose in our apartment he went crazy! He’s been running around the apartment for hours chasing his tail. He’s so funny. And he already thinks I’m his Mommy and has been cuddling up to me. I just got back from an audition and as I was walking home, I was thinking about the joy that was waiting for me. I never thought I was a cat person, but I guess I was wrong!
My audition went well, knock on wood. It was an emotional journey, as many auditions are and I was left feeling a bit gloomy afterwards. Having to go through intense emotion at the snap of your fingers always leads to a bit of a let down. But it was well worth it. I just love auditions. I know that sounds weird, but I do. Acting even for a couple of minutes is still wonderful to me.
The director gave great feedback and then said something very interesting. He told me that I have a very warm ambiance to me and wanted me to switch it off for part of the script. It’s interesting that people see me as warm- I mean, yes I am a warm person, but God knows I’m not always like that. I have my dark side as well that not many people have seen but is definitely there. What is interesting to me is that I put up such a wall of happiness that it’s hard for people to see the darkness. This is good in normal life, but I need to make sure that those dark emotions can be seen by casting directors as well. Unfortunately, sometimes first impressions are the strongest and when I walk in the door happy-go-lucky, I’m immediately typecast. But it’s my job to change that.
Ok, enough philosophizing for now. I’m going to go play with my adorable kitten.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
We all took our beer up to my childhood playground on Saturday night and played. We just horsed around (as my Mom would say), swinging on the swing sets and sliding down the slides, and it was AWESOME! As I was swinging up high into the trees and staring at the stars I had a sudden moment of clarity. I remembered many years ago, swinging on the same swing set trying to reach the trees and yearning for the day I would soar above them. I knew it wouldn’t happen in my hometown. I realized that it would take hard work, sweat, and tears but that I would one day fly. As I swung into the sky remembering this on Saturday night, I realized that the nagging feeling I had as a child was gone. I wasn’t just wishing anymore, I was doing it. I am actively trying. A part of me will always be that child aching for the sky, but it feels good to know that I am paving my way to get there. I’m not just longing anymore. The swing will only take you so far- I am now building my own wings to soar above.
Yes, some good home lovin' was just what the doctor ordered. And it doesn’t hurt that I got a call about attending a second round of callbacks for an awesome film I auditioned for a while ago. I’m still building those wings. One feather at a time.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I looked up and before the dirty, grimy, disease infected shoe coming at my face could register, I was down on the ground bleeding. That's right folks, this actress may have a broken nose. BECAUSE THE SUPER OF THE BUILDING KICKED ME IN THE FACE. Yes, it was an accident, but after the week I've had the tears finally kicked in. Fine. You win New York. I'm off to Maryland for my bro and sister-in-law's baby shower, and am hoping some good home cooked food and southern comfort will heal me. But when I get back- IT'S ON. You may have won this week with your roaches and leaks and mold and blisters and strep and bloody noses, but I am not going down without a fight. Said in my best terminator voice, "I'll be back."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Note to self- some things are worth splurging on (ie taxi when you feel like you’re dying) and some are not (ie weekly sale at Urban Outfitters). Ok, maybe both are worth splurging on, but neither got my attention as I blindly made my way the 5 blocks to the subway on Wednesday morning. Since moving to Manhattan, I’ve had to cut down a lot on expenses and one of those has been not taking cabs as often, but oh how I wish I had yesterday. The train came right away thank god, but there were no seats. No seats. Let me paint you a picture- you know how sometimes you see those cracked out people talking to themselves on the streets or on the subway platform and they can barely stand up without hanging onto something? That was me yesterday. And I was hugging the subway pole for dear life while high pitched whining noises whisked up from my throat. If anyone ever sees anyone like that on the subway, please my good fellows! Give the person you’re seat! For they may not be a cracked out villagers- they could very well be the one infecting the whole subway car with strep throat!
Yes, that is correct. I have strep throat. After journeying to the doctors, Duane Reade to fill my prescription, and then up the four flights of stairs to my apartment I immediately passed out on the couch with my coat and boots still on. I remember having strep when I was little, but I don’t remember it being like this. Everything hurts. The inside of my bones hurt. I have been camped out at home now for over 24 hours and though I still feel like complete and utter shit, I no longer believe I am dying. This thing really knocked me off my feet. And I’m more upset about missing four auditions than anything else. Acting doesn’t care if you’re sick. There will always be someone else to take your part. But honestly, even if I had made it to the auditions without passing out, I would have been god awful- raspy voice, pausing every 30 second to spit out junk, unwashed hair, no makeup . . . it would have been frightful. Some things are just not meant to be.
Ok, writing this entry has completely taken the wind out of my sails so I’m going back to sleep. I hope you all are healthy and out loving life today. Because when something like this sneaks up on you . . . it makes you realize how great your normal healthy life is. Live it up people. Live it up.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Maybe that’s why I love telling stories. I want to prove that life is more than just surviving. That life has some kind of infinite meaning that will last even after we’re all gone.
I think I have a bit of a concentration problem. I just realized that as I am typing this blog entry I'm also signing into the SAG website to change my address, updating my calendar to remind myself to pay SAG dues next week, planning a company event for my part time job, checking three of my email accounts, and of course signing into facebook. All at the same time. Literally- I have eight different windows open. No wonder it’s not even 3pm yet and I already want a drink. Yes, I know I’m slightly crazy . . . but aren’t all good artists?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Then tonight I have an audition. I really don’t want to go to this audition. A) Because it’s late which is annoying because discount theatre space starts at 7:30pm so I know that they’re cheap, which isn’t an actual problem unless it means that they’re also too cheap to buy actors things like food and water. B) Because this is supposedly for a lead role and the sides consist of three lines. This is the lead and ya couldn’t come up with something better to read than three disjointed lines? C) Because it’s raining out and I have a fever. D) Because enough time will elapse between my interview and the audition for me to go home and take a nap and I’m afraid I won’t be able to wake up for it. E) Because it hurts to walk from the blister I got from those cute spring shoes I was wearing this weekend. F) Because I have a fever. G) Because I have a fever. H) Because I have a fever.
Yes, I know I’m just complaining. Sometimes, you just need to bitch. And it doesn’t help that I failed to realize it was in the 40’s, cold, windy and rainy and I wore flip flops and a beautiful leather jacket today with no umbrella. But in the competitive world of acting, you really can’t afford to take a day off. So I’m going to push through. Just keep swimming.
Addendum- I feel really bad complaining when there are things like war and starvation and hatred and awfulness in the world. Roaches are really nothing compared to that.
Friday, April 17, 2009
So yesterday, I was reading in front of a Hollywood director and today I'm back to my (somewhat) normal life of trying to make ends meet while keeping the dream alive. I saw a glimpse of the big picture, of the long term goal, and I want more. Acting is not just my passion and dream- it is my addiction. Once I have a taste, I always want more. I will not stop until I get to savor that sweet satisfaction.
Stepping stones are the most important part of my life right now. Being so, I'd like to give a shout out to Jagger Kaye of www.CASTINGSnCLASSES.com. Jagger is in the business of providing actors with the best stones to step on. He hosts classes, industry events and he sends out free castings. (Half of what’s on my resume are things that I got through Jagger’s casting service.) Jagger is the one responsible for setting up yesterday’s amazing event for a few actors to meet Steve. As a favor to us actors, and a way to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of his business, he did yesterday’s event for free. I have taken several coaching classes with Jagger and gone to a slew of his industry events and what makes him so special is that he takes each and every one of these events personally. He gets to know all of his students. We're not just numbers to him. We are people that he wants to see succeed. Thank you Jagger for all that you do.
One stepping stone at a time. But oh, how lovely that big picture looks. One stone at a time . . .
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I never thought I’d say this. Never. I have hated improv ever since I started doing it in the 6th grade. But here it comes. I think. . . I might . . . actually like it. My performance Monday night was so much fun. And curiously, I never even got nervous, which is mind boggling (though that could be due to the shot of tequila I had before the show). It leads me to believe that the reason I get nervous before other shows is because I must fear forgetting my lines. But take away memorization and I’m ready to go! After jokes about orangutan flavored cupcakes (that’s for you JK), slapping of immigrants, and pinching nuns I was pumped. I expected to feel relieved at the end of the performance but instead I wanted more. There are already talks between members of the class to start up an improv troupe and I am planning on registering for some classes at UCB. Yay.
In other news, a ghost is haunting me. Literally. Two summers ago (or was it last summer? I dunno, time is flying by) I played the leading role in a pretty awesome film about a lighthouse keeper. It was based on a real legend that people of the town swear is true. I played the wife of the lighthouse keeper, who cheated on him which led to his death. When we were filming on location I heard voices in a graveyard. Thinking it was just my imagination, I was the butt of many jokes for the rest of the day. But then at night in my hotel room, the TV mysteriously turned on in the middle of the night and guess what was on? You got it- Ghost Hunters. A couple other strange things happened that led me to believe that the film was haunted but now I am certain.
Last night I was over at the apartment of a director friend of mine, "The Kev" looking over my films so he can update my reel. We put the dvd of this very film into the dvd player and the title page popped up as normal. The dvd started playing and then suddenly stopped and went back to the menu page. But wait, this isn't the menu page!!! In place of "Play Movie" it says "THE CREEPY MAN." I swear I am not making this up. It said the creepy man. Not kidding. So my friend The Kev says, "I'm ejecting it- this is freaking me out." The dvd drawer opened and THERE WAS NOTHING THERE! We opened and closed it several times and finally it appeared but then when we moved to grab it, the dvd player quickly shut again and opened to nothing. A.H. (the director of said movie)- I hope you're reading this blog entry. Remember at the film premier you outed me to the audience by saying I was paranoid that I was being haunted? DOES THIS SOUND LIKE PARANOIA TO YOU?!?!?! At least this time I have a witness.
Maybe I can use this sometime in an improv.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Today is my birthday! Now, usually I’m not as excited about this event because for the past six years my birthdays have included: getting in a cat fight with a random girl, being broken up with, getting sick, and just not being that into it. But this year is different. I can feel it. This morning I woke up and the BF presented me with his grand plan of getting me a kitty. We’re picking it out on Saturday and I’m so excited! I’ve never owned an animal except for fish. I’ve been trying for years now to keep plants alive to no avail so let’s hope I do better with the little feral creature.
Last night I went to my first trivia night in the East Village. It was loads of fun and we came in 4th, though it was not due to any help from me. My main move was to nod my head when my team members wrote down an answer, saying “yes, yes it’s definitely that!” I think I actually only really knew one answer. But it was definitely fun and I ran into a friend of mine I used to work with. I’ve been running into people in my neighborhood lately and it’s so nice to start developing a sense of community, which I definitely didn’t have in Queens.
The rest of the week is going to be crazy- tonight is mechanical bull riding for my birthday, Friday night is a Zombie High Party (complete with a zombie school bus), Saturday is an important callback, Sunday is Easter at my place, and Monday is my first improv performance. I’m just loving and living life to the fullest right now. Alrighty, I need to go memorize 30 pages of dialogue for my callback before tonight’s shenanigans begin. Oh, and the weather gods are on my side today! It was snowing yesterday but today it is gorgeous out!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Today, I went in for my second photo shoot with a very talented photographer that I’m using to help build my modeling portfolio. I’m in the studio talking to the photographer when I hear a sweet German voice coming from the dressing room. I glance down and see shoes that somehow look familiar. No, it couldn’t be. I shrug off the thought and continue talking to the photographer. All of a sudden I hear the little German voice exclaim, “E?” It was C! My oldest friend in the city who made her debut in this blog only days ago for her surprise birthday party.
C and I met over two years ago while acting in a film where we bonded over freezing our asses off while wearing summer clothing in 20 degree weather. We’ve been friends ever since. It was so funny to see C there shooting with the same photographer, but somewhat familiar and comforting. It’s nice to know that we’re doing the same things and on similar pages with our careers.
Okie doke, I can’t write anymore right now because the BF distracted me by moving some of my papers, which somehow escalated into a huge fight. I always rolled my eyes when people said things about arguing over dirty socks but when you live in such a tight space with someone, conflicts are bound to happen. I need a house. But right now I really need a bath to relax and get all this makeup from my shoot off my face. And BF, if you’re reading this- I heart you hardcore. Xx
PS- My rash is gone :)
Monday, April 6, 2009
I have a weird rash on my neck. At first I thought it was from the BF because he and I are literally allergic to one another. Whenever we embrace we subsequently have rashes for the next 20 minutes. But this rash has stayed with me for the past three hours. And I think I may see a tinge of it on my arm. My sternum has been cracking as well. I know I am the biggest hypochondriac ever but I can’t help thinking that something may be deathly wrong. Did I pick something up when I shared that person’s beer bottle? Did I get a weird disease when my friend P drunkenly picked me up and threw me over his shoulder which resulted in us both tumbling down onto a wet NYC street? Did I develop a sudden allergic reaction to (gasp) pizza? Or even worse, alcohol?
Yes, I know I’m a hypochondriac. Last year I went to the doctor because I thought I had a staph infection on my face, only to discover it was a blemish. I’ve had every stomach test known to man done and nothing has turned up. But then there are times, like when I was worried about a few moles when something does turn up. So this is freakin me out. And I have a photoshoot tomorrow which is not going to go well if I have a rash all over my body. If you all don’t hear from me within the week then someone please break into my apartment to make sure I haven’t become fish food.
Saturday I had an audition for a TV series which I think went pretty well. I had a bit of a revelation about film/TV acting during one of my past ambien induced hallucinations and I’ve actually been feeling a lot better about my acting ever since. Saturday night was my good friend, C’s surprise birthday party. It was very cool to see C shocked to see so many people she loved in the same room at the same time. She had been bummed because she thought we all forgot about her birthday which made it even sweeter.
All in all, I have to say I am very content right now. And if nothing else, at least my initials will forever be immortalized on a little patch of sidewalk in the great East Village.
Friday, April 3, 2009
This week has proven to be very busy and eventful, but surprisingly, perhaps the most calming aspect of it was a visit from my parents. I've moved around the world by myself so many times, that I learned to put my family and best friends in a little pocket and shove them into a remote corner of my mind so I don't miss them too terribly. I think that by doing this however, I ended up missing them even more. Seeing my Mom and Dad in New York City did not feel out of place at all. It seemed like they almost belonged, which is pretty ironic since my Mom grew up on a farm. But then again, the BF grew up in the country too and he loves the city. It just felt so right to have a missing piece of me here in the city that I so love.
I hadn't realized until my parents left, how lonely NYC can be. I am so close to so many people around the world, and yet I haven't seen some of them in years. I value my independence and ability to make friends anywhere, but continuing relationships with past friends on only a keyboard and mouse just isn't as satisfying as being physically present. This is the life I chose though, and one day I hope to have the means to visit everyone whenever I like.
On another note, I had a blast filming all day yesterday and am excited to go back to set this evening. I love the entire cast and crew of my film. I did however, completely sunburn my face while waiting for my scene to be shot. Now, there will probably be two random scenes in the movie where I have a bright red face, lol. Opps! Sorry S! S, the makeup artist warned me not to get too comfy in the sun . . . maybe I should start listening to people :)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Mafia Producer: I like ya, I like yur look and I think you’d be great. But I need you to do something fur me. I need you to email the director and tell him you want to come in and audition again. Because you needed to be angrier in the scene.
Me: Oh, um, well I can go back in and do that right now if you’d like.
MP: (In Tony’s best condescending tone) Hunny, you should’ve done that when you were in there.
Me: Oh. Usually people ask actors to make adjustments when they’re in the audition room.
MP: Just please email him. Because I can’t pick ya even though I wanna. (holds up his hand) Hit me.
MP: Hit me!
Me: I’ve hit men before, I know how to be angry. (All of you reading this who know me personally, stop laughing now!)
MP: I said hit me!
Me: Ok! (I proceed to slap his hand.)
Me: (Now I’m kinda pissed) Fine! (I slap the sh*t out of his hand)
MP: That it! Did you see that? That’s it!
And then the Mafia Producer exits as quickly as he came.
What just happened?!?!?! Anyone? Anyone?!?!
I'm off to my next audition. Hopefully this one will be more normal, though that's doubtful as it's about a sex addicted dominatrix. We shall see.
(btw, since I am writing about auditions and I don’t want certain people to know, if you do know me personally and want to comment, please don’t use my real name. But please comment! Thanks ya’ll!)
This detox isn’t working. I have no self control. I’ve only been doing it for a few hours and I already broke down and drank a cup of coffee. I feel like I have little control with any part of my life right now.
I have so much passion and so much ambition and I just don’t know where to put it all. I’m doing all or the “right” things. I’m going to agent seminars, taking classes with casting directors, and inviting agents to all of my shows. The problem is that they a) aren’t looking for new clients at the moment, b) already have 5 clients of my “type”, and c) don’t come to any of the shows. I need to start thinking outside the box. Hmm, perhaps I can stand outside of an agent’s building and start screaming my monologue?
It’s not that I’m not getting work- I am. And I love every second of all the acting jobs I’m doing. But there aren’t enough. I still have to have a “survival” job, I still have to handle the business side of things solo, and I still feel as though I have no control over where I could be or what I’ll be doing tomorrow.
The economy isn’t helping any either. I went from having an average of 8 auditions a week to 2 a week (although I do have two today, so maybe things are looking up). And the fact that we’re still working without a SAG contract means that many people are now going with non-union actors instead of us unionized actors.
But I’m still trying to remain positive! I have very high hopes for the film that I’m currently in and am so excited for the two remaining days of shooting we have. I just hope that another satisfying project comes up again soon after.
In the meantime, I think I’ll make up my own detox. One that actually involves food.