Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
It is with great pleasure that I welcome 2011. And even though I'll be working a party in the top of a hotel in Times Square that night and will probably want to murder the millions of tourist that take over my city . . . well, I'll still have a pretty big smile on my face. :D
Friday, December 10, 2010
Back then, I made the point that it was impossible to live everyday like it was your last because we would end up consumed by emotion and consequences. I basically wrote that if you feel that passionately every second of everyday then you would go crazy. I'm not sure when the shift took place where I went from believing you couldn't, to actively doing it.
She's right though. There is a very fine line between living everyday like it's your last and reality. That line however, often gets very blurred. It's the reason why I fall so hard for people, it's the reason I get so happy and then so down. It's why I have no idea what's going to happen in the future (although I guess no one does, particularly artists in NYC), and am sometimes consumed by the past.
So what does this new revelation mean to me? I can't say I'm sure. I need a break from myself. I need a break from all these feelings. I'm pretty sure that if you looked up "emo" in the dictionary there would be a picture of me next to pictures of people reciting poetry in small dark venues.
So . . . I am going to try not to put so much pressure on myself to live everyday like it's my last. Because hotdamn, that gets exhausting! So today? Well today I'm just going to calmly live. And guess what? Tomorrow I will too. Because I doubt this is my last day on earth. And if it is? Well, I've already accomplished a lot in my 20 something years, so I'd be ok with that too.
Peace and Love :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
"The 3rd floor apartment at *** Lorimer Street, in the trendy Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is ranked in the Top 10 Best Apartments in New York City, and Top 30 Worldwide."
Take that. BOOYAH!
That's right. I now officially live in one of the best apartments in New York City. And if anyone wants to argue with me that my crappy run down apartment isn't in the top 10? Well, the proof is above. Because it says so on the internet.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Because really, I think I seek the drama that boys bring into my life so that I don't have to think about my own issues. The fact that I don't know how to live any other life than that of a starving actress. The fact, that I'm scared I might never make it. The fact that this is the first time in years that I am truly alone. The fact that if I can't make rent next month, I have no one to lean on but myself.
This revelation has been an excellent one. I suddenly am at peace because I know what I have to do. And it all starts tomorrow when I will clean my wreck of an apartment. By Christmas I am going to be back to the funny, caring confident friend that I used to be. This is a makeover of the soul. No more dating. Focusing on me.
PS- If you are one of my friends I a) haven't seen and/or b) haven't listened to your advice when it's because you care about me, I am truly sorrow. I think this is the first time I've made a public apology. It's oddly unsettling. I don't like admitting I'm wrong, but there you have it.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Had my first day of filming today for a cool film I'm doing. It was awesome. I was even hooked up to a heart monitor for part of the time.
Screw these boys. As one of my bf's N, says, "No man should ever decide how fast your heart beats or how low it sits in your chest."
Acting is and always will remain my one and only true love. Sure, it may not always keep me warm at night, but knowing that I'm a good, loving, and passionate person who has already lived a very full life . . . well that'll certainly help me sleep :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Anxiety crushing the chest.
Great things happening with Acting.
But it doesn't seem to matter as much if I can't share them with you.
I miss you . . .
Just waiting for you to change your mind . . .
Waiting for you to come back to me . . .
I fear I may be waiting in vain.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Stomach in knots.
But I will be ok. No one has ever died from a broken heart. I'll bounce back up.
And on the upside, now I don't have to shave my legs all winter and can go back to wearing comfortable grannie panties. Now I can return the cute pj's I bought to wear to Texas for Christmas. Can't return the adorable slipper sock booties though. My cats already pawed those apart.
And right now? Now, I need some time to soberly reflect on the past few days. Now, I need to be alone. I'm not going to date for a very long time. I need to be alone. I need to quell the storm in my heart. I need to stop drinking so much and bring calmness back into my life.
I had an amazing but too short relationship. I have nothing but respect for the guy I was with and wish him the greatest happiness, even if it's not with me. I guess that if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. I'm hurting now but I wouldn't take back the past three months for anything.
Thank you everyone for the kind texts and messages. I have amazing friends and I love all of you.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I walk a fine line on this blog of divulging too much personal information vs. being too general. My dating life since December has been absolutely soap-opera insane. Like, you can't make this shit up. I wish so much that I could share it publicly because I have a slew of hilarious stories but I have to respect other people's feelings and privacy. But suffice it to say that I went from a straight-laced military guy (wonderful person) to a hipster southern writer boy (a great guy at heart) to an indie rock band shaggy haired tattooed boy. And then there was the other writer dude and an actor boy in the mix. Oh and another southern boy too. And a few odd dates with random coffee shop boys. This may make me sound like a serial dater, but after being in a relationship for five years, I was ready to expand my horizons. I met some amazing guys. Amazing for other people, just not for me.
What bothers me though is that none of these people (except for current rocker boyfriend) are in my life anymore. I love each of them in different ways but the underlying theme is that each and every one of them were so special and important in the formation of the new E. The liberated confident E. I don't quite understand why they're not in my life anymore . . . but I guess all people can't be friends with their exes. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe everything happened too fast. Maybe I acted too psycho (well that's a definite for one of them. But I'm TOTALLY not divulging the crazy stuff I did on this blog. You'll have to wait for my tell-all biography in 20 years. And even then I might be too embarrassed to spill the crazy beans). But if I got to have a room full of everyone I love and care about, most of them would make that list.
It's a weird dynamic, that one between male and female. I mean, you don't break up with your friends and never speak to them again, right? But I guess it's difficult to go from that romantic relationship to a platonic friendship based one.
Anywoo, just some thoughts on relationships. The boy I'm dating now is the kindest/most intriguing/weirdest person I've ever met. Who knows if it will work out or if I'll end up losing another friend as time goes by.
But for true love, I'm willing to take that chance ;)
Every Tuesday until this week, I got to go sailing around the city. I was working as a wine connoisseur on a boat. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Who ever would have thought that I would become a sailor in New York City? Granted, I didn't help out much (except to get out of the way of the crew), but it was mind blowing.
The stresses of living in New York City are insane. It's hard to get away from people. I used to think that every day here was a fight, but now I see it more as a gift. Your attitude towards the city determines which kind of experience you are going to have. Do you go aggressively out into the street just daring people to walk into you? Or do you leave your apartment with a smile on your face and say hi to the neighbors that you pass by?
Regardless of your view on the city, it is still difficult to live here. Difficult financially, personally, and career-wise. This city is a prime example of the work hard/play hard mentality. So every Tuesday to me this summer was a blessing. A time where I got to forget all my worries and sail around the statue of liberty at sunset. I could hear nothing but the lap of the water on the boat and could feel nothing but the cool breeze gently caressing my face. And my mind would be cleared. All the financial worries that have plagued me all summer long would vanish. It was an amazing way to recharge each week.
Unfortunately it's a seasonal job so it's over now. Us actors take on odd odd jobs to pay the bills. And this was by far one of my favorite. But at least now when I stress out and worry about all the little things, I can go to a place mentally that will help me remember what life is really about.
Monday, October 18, 2010
A couple weeks ago I was on my way to a job when a guy came onto the subway singing. Now normally, this would go almost unnoticed. It seems like there is always someone singing on the subway. Whether it's a homeless man trying to make some extra change, or if it's a barbershop quartet that you know has rehearsed for hours. But this man . . . this man was different. He had a giant smile on his face and made eye contact in a way that made your soul grin. And then it happened.
"Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
And then the first person joined in.
"Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on"
Two more joined.
"For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."
Six people are now singing. Including myself.
"Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on."
Half the Subway car.
"Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."
It was an amazing New York moment. In this day and age where we are bombarded with horrible news stories everyday, one person had a message. And he left a whole subway car smiling ear to ear with a whole new positive outlook on life. "Lean on me," the stranger says. Because as many bad people that there may be in the world, there sure are a heckofalotof good ones too. And that one morning on my way to a job, I happened to be in a subway car full of them.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The past two nights I have awoken in the middle of the night, clothes soaked in cold sweat. Perhaps it is partially the change of seasons along with the knowledge that I've been slacking over the past month but the nightmares about my future become more intense every night. Money. Success. Plans. I have been very committed to living in the "now" lately, but sometimes thoughts of non-existing savings accounts, 401K's, and future career plans creep up on me and choke me until I awake gasping for air.
What am I doing here in NYC? Surviving. That's the first thought that comes to mind. Right now, I am surviving. Yes, a year ago I was doing a lot more career wise, but after all the changes in the past year, the only thing I can focus 100 percent on is just to survive. And so far . . . well I'm here, so I guess I'm accomplishing that. But it's scary. Not having a real job, living gig to gig, not doing any acting work that I truly believe in . . . it's pretty goddamn scary.
I look at the roles Hilary Swank has played in her lifetime. Everything from Boys Don't Cry to Million Dollar Baby, and I feel both inspired and defeated at the same time. Inspired, because those are the types of roles I have always wanted to play. Defeated because I'm afraid I'll never have the opportunity to shoot a script even an iota as intriguingly amazing as those. All I want is one film, just one, that I truly believe in. One script with a strong female character that I can bring to life and hopefully affect others. One character that can speak to the hearts of the viewers and change even just one person's life.
There is no formula to this business. It's one of the most unfair and unequal careers you can choose, and all of us doing it are absolutely insane. But we do it because there is nothing we love more. Because when we do get those roles we believe in, when we do get paid for our talent, when we do get to bring an inspirational character to life . . . well those are the best moments you can ask for. And the joy you feel for even a few minutes while performing is enough to outweigh the misery and uncertainty that can last a lifetime.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I think there comes a point in everyone's lives where they can choose to either be consumed by the past or move forward with the future. I myself am finding myself at one of those crossroads. And I'm choosing to move on. To forget about what could have been and why it wasn't and move on to something beautiful and unexpected. Because the only thing worse than having a relationship or dream fail, is having it fail because it was never really given a chance.
A lot of my blog entries in the past year have been about moving on. I think I had a glimpse of what that meant but never truly understood it until recently. It doesn't mean forgetting your past, but it does mean not letting that past hinder your future any longer.
I've been quite introspective these past few months. I suppose it comes from heartbreak and not knowing my place in the world. But what I've come to realize is that you can't let something go just because of fear. You can't be down on yourself just because you're not sure of what the future holds for you. We live in a generation that is so all about the future that we forget that life is happening now. Maybe it took the mortality of a few people in my life over the past few months to make me finally realize that, and if so, then that is the greatest gift that has ever been given to me.
Wake up and Live now. Love now. Dream now. Act now.
Now is your life. Don't let it pass you by.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Oh. My. Goodness. I had one of the best nights of my life. Why, do you ask? Because I got to perform a jazz/burlesque number at Brooklyn Bowl, one of the most kick-ass venues in New York City. I danced in front of hundreds of people, including several of my bestest friends. Have you ever been in a room full of people you love? Because it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Just being onstage dancing again was so exhilarating that looking back, it's all a blur. I am so inspired by the bands that played and the other dance numbers that I feel revived in a way like never before. I am so excited about life right now and wake up every morning excited to start the day. (OK, that's a big fat lie- you all know I'm not a morning person by any means. But after I get my coffee and drink a big glass of ice water, I feel pretty damn good.)
Yes, life is good right now. Very good. And on that note I'm going to go take a nap before going to my friends bar to kick off a relaxing labor day weekend.
Keep on smiling people, keep on smiling :D
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
These past few days have been amazing. I've been auditioning, working, exploring my neighborhood, and making awesome new friends. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. Yeah, I've been on a string of bad dates (I mean, am I imagining things or is it not the appropriate thing for a guy to pay for dinner on the first date when he not only asked YOU out but also picked the place AND ordered for you?!?!?! I mean, let's face it, I've been out of the game for awhile so I may be a bit rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is something every guy over the age of 13 knows . . .)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Too many thoughts running through my head.
Boxed in, fighting to get out again.
Don't know where I come from or where I'm going.
Fight. Fight. FIGHT.
One more hour, one more day.
Don't know what happened to the life I had,
but it's over now.
Gone, with the wind beyond a storm.
And the calm after the storm is eerily quiet.
Peaceful in an uncomfortable way.
Work. Work. WORK.
Work until you are blinded by the sweat
running into your eyes. And one day,
One amazing day.
You will wake up and realize, this is your new life.
And you created it all by yourself.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Monday, June 28, 2010
My mind and body are exhausted but I can't sleep so I find myself at a local Williamsburg bar with wireless (still need to call the cable company so I can get internet in my apartment). So . . . what's been going on? I barely know myself. I gave myself a July 1st deadline to pull my life together, but for once I think I'm actually ahead of schedule. I'm happy. I frequently catch myself walking down the street with a smile on my face for no reason. It's nice. Yeah, nights get a hella lonely, but hey, that's what cuddling with my cats are for.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Time for me. Time for the feelings of guilt, longing, jealousy, confusion, lust, sadness, and loss to be thrown out the window. Time to stop beating myself up for not being where I want to be and to do something about it. Time to put myself before anyone else for the first time in my life. Time to be selfish. It's Time.
I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I’m not obsessing over acting as much as I used to, which is a good thing. It’s still obviously a huge part of my life that I work on everyday, but I’m trying to no longer judge myself for not being quite where I want to be. Because I know I'm going to get there one day. I’m rediscovering my love for things that have been put on the backburner over the past couple years. I’m starting to dance again (haven’t been doing it since my knee surgery in college). I’m going to start playing the piano and singing again so that I can get back to the point where I was at my prime. I’m getting back into live performances, my first and purest love.
I’m getting my act together so I can be me again. I’m starting to remember who I was at my core before I became someone else’s. And I’m excited as hell.
This is gonna be fuckin good people. Scary, and maybe a little bit crazy, but good. Very good.
La Vie Boheme!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I miss the days of sprinklers and climbing trees. I miss playing in the yard and being excited about all the possibilities in the world. I miss being young and innocent enough that I still saw faeries and infinite possibilities in everything. I miss playing dress up with my sister and putting plays on for the neighborhood. I miss the days when everything was simple. When an ice cold glass of water was enough to make me happy. When I believed in everything. I believed in dreams. I believed in love. I believed in happy endings.
Monday, May 24, 2010
I have seen and felt so much beauty in the world lately. The gentle caress of someone you care about. The laughter of your best friend's voice on the other end of the phone. The joy of instantly bonding with a new friend. The cheerful hello from a stranger. I love it all. I have moments where I am so happy that I could burst. And those moments are truly what has been helping me get through all of this. All of this apartment hunting, job searching, coming to terms with being in the city without my ex this time around, trying to figure out my place in this world . . . everything.
You all know who you are and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I am so so very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I won't forget it.
And those of you who haven't been there for me? Well I won't forget that either. ;) No, that's not a threat, (or is it?) Mwahahahaha.
No, but seriously. You all have been amazing. The messages and emails of support I've gotten from people have been astounding. I'm very lucky to have surrounded myself with such positive people.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
It's always bothered me that someone else pretty much decides your fate as an actor. Oh, you can take all the classes you want, practice like crazy, and go to tons of seminars, but what it boils down to is being in the right place at the right time. Yes, it takes talent. But it takes a helluva lot of luck too. You can give the best audition of your life, but if the men behind the table don't like you . . . well there's nothing you can do about it.
Or so I thought.
Until I decided to start my own production company. A year ago, I discovered a deep passion for writing that had been buried for years. It stems from the same place as my love for acting. A deep desire for bringing characters to life. Because they're not really "characters" at all. They're you. They're me. They're your best friend. Your worst enemy. Your lover. Your neighbor. The old man down the street that you say hi to every morning. And so much more. I've always wondered while passing by strangers what their story is. What makes them who they are. Where their neurosis stem from.
And now, not only do I get to bring these stories and people to life. I get to create them as well. I get to research and discover why that person is the way that they are. And hopefully through this, I can bring a little light and perspective to other people as well.
And if I happen to be my own Lady Luck? Well that's a pretty damn big bonus.
Friday, May 21, 2010
It's time to move on from my past. It's hard. Like grasping for straws that are halfway filled with cement, but it's time. It's time to make this city mine again. I'm excited and scared and happy and nervous and inspired all at the same time. Things are not only going to work out, they're going to be great.
It's time to be my own light.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
The other day I was contemplating summer plans and was overcome by a sudden rush of freedom. It's stuck with me throughout the past couple days and it is an extremely calming and liberating feeling. For the first time in my life I don't have anything holding me back. I can do and go anywhere I want. I'm not in school, I'm not tied to a corporate job, I'm not in a relationship, and I don't have any kids. I do have a load of credit card debt (mainly from having to buy a car) but I'm hoping that will be paid off in the next two months. I can do whatever I want. That's freakin awesome.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Well I have to say that waitressing is hard work but I can't complain about the money. There is something to be said about walking out with a wad of cash at the end of the day. Instant gratification. Things are going pretty well out here. I just wrapped the webseries I was shooting yesterday and had an awesome time. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Well . . . I can't wait to see how the final product turns out, not my actual performance. I hate watching myself onscreen. I just always think that I could have done something better and I inevitably end up laughing at myself during serious scenes or cringing during funny scenes. But it was a lot of fun and the feeling of being paid to do what you love is indescribable.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sorry I've been slacking on posts lately! I've been working like crazy at my new serving job. I will be the first to admit that I am a TERRIBLE waitress. I have a pretty short attention span (I'm convinced to this day that I have ADD and was just never diagnosed- then again I'm a hypochondriac and am pretty much convinced I have everything. Have I mentioned the weird rash that just appeared on my leg?!) and I sometimes go back again and again to ask what it is they wanted. You would think a pen and paper would remedy this . . . but my handwriting is so bad that I can't always read what I wrote, lol. Hey, we can't all be good at everything ok? In a weird way it's kinda refreshing to find something I'm so horribly terrible at.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Whew, what a week! A week ago today I got an agent. Sunday, I got a car. Wednesday, I booked my first acting gig, got a writing gig, and got a manager. Thursday, I got a job! Today I have a meeting at a modeling agency, an interview for a promotional gig, and my first night of training as a waitress.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wow so my last blog entry seemed to have made quite an impression- both positive and negative. It's always hard putting yourself and all your vulnerabilities out there for the world to see. Sometimes I think I should just stick to writing about acting in this blog, but then I'll get an email from a stranger, or a call or text from a long lost friend thanking me for writing my feelings because they feel the exact same way. I used to feel the same way whenever I would read my good friend Glitterati's blog. It's always nice to feel that you're not alone in your thinking/feelings. Of course not everyone is going to be on the same page as you but that's life. And it's funny how many people here in LA have asked me to hang out since reading my last entry. Thanks guys for helping me get on my feet! Literally- thanks guys. Everyone that contacted me to chill was a male. Not that I'm complaining, I mean friends are friends. But step it up girls. I need some more estrogen in my life.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I'm not ok. There I admitted it. I'm tired of constantly saying, "Oh yeah, I'm doing great!" I'm not. Things are not ok. But they will be. They have to be.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away