Thursday, April 29, 2010

How to Get Better at Life: My Step-by-Step Guide

So I was in between interviews today sipping a coffee at a nearby Starbucks (trust me, I have a strong dislike for chain coffee shops just as much as the next guy, but I have a gift card so it's pretty much going to be my favorite place until the $25 run out), when I decided to write out a plan on how to get better at life. This was totally personal and I wasn't going to share it, but I caught a glimpse of the girl across the table reading what I wrote and smiling, so . . . I figured I'd post it. Here is a step by step plan on how I will get better at life. It's pretty simple now. Simple is good.

- Suck it up and be responsible. Take whatever comes your way now and look for something you actually like later.
- Work towards your 5 year goals in your off time, (including your production company and clothing store).

- You can't couch surf forever. I know you want something cool and close, but you're starting over so you're going to have to deal with far and decrepit. Don't worry. Once Step One is complete, you can be more picky.

- Enough said.

- If you don't use it you'll lose it. Write and act constantly, even if it's only for yourself. That way you'll be ready when opportunity comes knocking.

- Again, enough said. When you are constantly hung over, it makes getting better at life a tad bit more difficult. I'm not asking you to give it up completely, just reduce. And drink water. And eat your five servings of veggies and fruit per day.

So that's all I have for now. It doesn't seem quite as overwhelming when it's all written out like that. I'm fairly certain that within three- six months I'm going to be kicking ass at life. :)

Monday, April 26, 2010

I Hate That I Love You, New York

I had a beautiful blog entry roaming around in my head today about how wonderful New York is, how amazing I feel to be back, how the pavement glistens gloriously in the rain, how the music on the street speaks to my soul . . . and then I got hit by a car. I GOT HIT BY A FUCKING CAR.

Now before I continue, let it be known that aside from an achy elbow and knee, I am totally fine. More shocked than anything because I GOT HIT BY A CAR. I drive for three months in LA without so much as a scratch, and then I'm back in NYC for two days and can't even walk across a street.

But it's ok. Because, did you really think you could scare me off like that NY? Here's me giving you a big ole' eff you. It's going to take a lot more than a little car (ok, minivan), to stave me off. I'm onto you. And I will beat you. And you will like it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Did Someone Say Cross Country?

Wow. So much has happened in the past two weeks. Approximately:

Money spent on gas: too much
Number of red bulls drunken: 11
Number of times pulled over: 0
Number of times stopped by border control: 1
Number of camera speeding tickets (stupid Arizona): 2-3
Best new food tried: Frito pie
Number of times gotten pelted by beads (that f'ing hurts): ~15
Number of sketchy motels/crack dens stayed in: 1
Number of breakdowns on the road: (Car-0. Emotional-5.)
Favorite new cities in order: New Orleans, Austin, Atlanta
Average number of hours slept per night: 4
Number of times kicked a slot machine: 2
Longest drive in one day: 15 hours
Number of cats roaming around the car: 2

Am so tired. Will write more when I can actually think again.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Chipping Away at Life

The paint on my nails is already chipped from a glamourous photoshoot just days before in a land of glitz and glam. A land that is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, but with some of the most depressed people I've ever met. And here I am, in the most dejected/deserted city in the nation, with some of the happiest people I have ever known.

But I'm tired. Tired of feeling. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I have so many contradicting emotions that I don't know what to do with. Tired of talking about it all. And I'm pissed. I'm pissed at my grandma for dying (though I know this is completely illogical- I know it was her time), I'm pissed at myself for not spending more time with her in the past year. I'm sad because I don't think I'll ever find the kind of love that she and my grandfather had.

I'm stressed because the job prospect I had in NYC is probably falling through because I can't get back there in time because of the funeral. I'm already tired of couch surfing and it hasn't even begun yet. I'm tired of wondering if other people have the same feelings as me, or if they even feel anything at all. I'm upset because everyone asks everyone else how their significant other is doing, and then when they get to me, ask me how my cats are. I'm sorrowful because I don't think the love I want even exists in this day and age.

And more than anything, I'm sad. I have a deep sadness in me that I know no one can cure but myself. I'm sad because I'm a year older and feel like I've fallen behind where I was a year ago. I'm sad that I had to leave a wonderful man because I wanted something more. Something that I am not so sure I'll ever find. I'm sad because I wish my great love would hurry up and find me and wipe away my tears.

I'm pissed that I spent the past five years so focused on my career, that I let life slip me by. Sometimes I want to give up on it all. Say fuck it, and resign myself to the fact that I'm going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me.

I know this feeling will pass. I know that I in turn, can be one of the happiest people around and light up other people's lives. But right now . . . right now sucks big donkey balls.

I feel like a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. I just want to feel normal again. But to do that, I have to stop feeling so much. I have to do whatever is possible to numb myself to the pain and confusion. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love acting so much. I get to forget everything and be someone else.

Yes, the paint on my nails is almost completely chipped off. And with it is any sense of normalcy I may have experienced in these 20 something years.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Has Social Media Gone Too Far?

I've touched briefly on my confusing fling with social media in this blog before. I'm basically addicted to the internet. Addicted to emailing, addicted to web surfing, addicted to Facebook, twitter, and a whole slew of blogs. I have spent hours upon hours on my computer completely unaware of the time passing by. I know things about people that I have no business knowing. Hell, I've even solved a crime via Myspace before. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it, but this morning everything changed.

I found out via Facebook that my Grandmother died.

I cannot tell you the feelings of disbelief that washed over me as I learned of her death from my new best friend, the computer. I knew before my Dad, her own son knew. Do I call him to tell him? Do I just wait for the phone call? How do I function with this unwanted knowledge? I ended up calling my sister and we decided we should just wait for the phone call. Sure enough, 45 minutes later, I got the news on the phone.

I'm really not sure how I feel about this. It is so 21st century. I mean, I would have much rathered to hear of this in person, but at the same time, social networking allows you to find support in places you didn't even know you had. But it still begs the question: Is social media getting out of hand? Does it intensify life or just complicate it? I'm really not sure of the answer.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Grabbing the Reigns

Alright everyone. So here's the deal. For various reason (ALL career driven), I will be going back to NYC for a spell. I don't know for how long, but you never really know with me. I'm just letting the wind blow me in whatever direction it thinks I should go. My original plan was to move out here to LA for three months as sort of a test run. There have been many successes (and of course a few failures) and I have a pretty good idea of what my life would look like if I stayed. . . and I'm not a big fan. I'm not particularly thrilled with things I learned about the entertainment industry out here. Namely, with what people do to "make it." At this point in my life I think I can be more successful in NYC, especially since I have more connections out there. There are tons of reasons why I believe that, and I have weighed my options heavily. That's not to say I won't be back. I'm positive that my career will lead me back to LA several times. But that doesn't mean I have to live here.

For some reason, a few people that have caught wind of this are deciding to be extremely judgmental. I realize that this is partially my fault because I put myself out there so much on this blog and on facebook, but come on guys. I've gotten everything from, "I told you not to leave New York," to "Oh, you're just giving up? You're a quitter." Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I do everything for the sake of acting and that I have never been a quitter. As my sister pointed out, "People just try to convince you to do what they did to validate their own choices." Which is why I've been thinking very hard about this for a good two weeks and have only asked the advice of those closest to me that I know will not try to influence me one way or another.

When it comes down to it, I did what I came out here to do. I in no way regret the past three months. They were a growing phase that I desperately needed. I am more confident in my abilities (both acting and "life") than ever before and I am ready to hit NYC with a force that I didn't previously possess. I needed these past three months here. And nothing is set in stone. I have two auditions this week for things shooting in middle america this summer so who knows what could happen. I'm not ruling anything out.

I'm grabbing my life by the reigns and doing what is best for me. As my (apparently very wise) little sis also said, "You have to have the courage to go against the grain." That's what I'm doing.

Grabbing the reigns to go against the grains.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Figuring Shit Out

What am I doing here? I woke up this morning in a sweat, the heavy realization of what I've done over the past few months pressing down on my chest like a ton of rocks. Did I seriously move with my cats cross country? To say this move was impulsive is an understatement. Yes, I was partly running away and I was partly running towards, but what from? What to? Was this actually the best career choice? I'm honestly not sure. What I am sure of is that I need to make my own luck. The likelihood of me being one in a million people that are "discovered" isn't entirely realistic. I need to be writing and producing my own things. I need to make this happen, because no one else is going to.

I just don't feel very creative here. Maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's how everyone looks the same, maybe it's the lack of grit and the abundance of glitter, but I need to somehow get my creative juices flowing. I need to figure out what I want in life and which path is the best one to travel. I need to start the next phase of my life.

So I'm going to go climb a mountain now and hope the (semi)fresh air will give me some answers.