Monday, November 29, 2010

Make Over of the Soul

I. Have. Been Such. An. Idiot. Alienating my friends, not listening to advice from loved ones, obsessing like a crazy person, and whining and crying like some dumb heart broken sorority girl. What the hell have I been doing? That's so not me! That has been the past three weeks. But no more, I say! No more!

Because really, I think I seek the drama that boys bring into my life so that I don't have to think about my own issues. The fact that I don't know how to live any other life than that of a starving actress. The fact, that I'm scared I might never make it. The fact that this is the first time in years that I am truly alone. The fact that if I can't make rent next month, I have no one to lean on but myself.

This revelation has been an excellent one. I suddenly am at peace because I know what I have to do. And it all starts tomorrow when I will clean my wreck of an apartment. By Christmas I am going to be back to the funny, caring confident friend that I used to be. This is a makeover of the soul. No more dating. Focusing on me.


PS- If you are one of my friends I a) haven't seen and/or b) haven't listened to your advice when it's because you care about me, I am truly sorrow. I think this is the first time I've made a public apology. It's oddly unsettling. I don't like admitting I'm wrong, but there you have it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sleeping Well

I feel a billion times better than I did a few days ago. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason and I'm actually thrilled that I'm getting up earlier every morning to pursue my dream.

Had my first day of filming today for a cool film I'm doing. It was awesome. I was even hooked up to a heart monitor for part of the time.

Screw these boys. As one of my bf's N, says, "No man should ever decide how fast your heart beats or how low it sits in your chest."

Acting is and always will remain my one and only true love. Sure, it may not always keep me warm at night, but knowing that I'm a good, loving, and passionate person who has already lived a very full life . . . well that'll certainly help me sleep :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Can't breathe.
Can't eat.
Anxiety crushing the chest.

Great things happening with Acting.
But it doesn't seem to matter as much if I can't share them with you.

I miss you . . .
Just waiting for you to change your mind . . .
Waiting for you to come back to me . . .

I fear I may be waiting in vain.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Bouncing, Not Breaking

It's amazing how much your life can change in five days. Five days ago I was walking on clouds. Today, I am walking on hot coals.

Hands shaking.
Breaths shallow.
Stomach in knots.

But I will be ok. No one has ever died from a broken heart. I'll bounce back up.

And on the upside, now I don't have to shave my legs all winter and can go back to wearing comfortable grannie panties. Now I can return the cute pj's I bought to wear to Texas for Christmas. Can't return the adorable slipper sock booties though. My cats already pawed those apart.

And right now? Now, I need some time to soberly reflect on the past few days. Now, I need to be alone. I'm not going to date for a very long time. I need to be alone. I need to quell the storm in my heart. I need to stop drinking so much and bring calmness back into my life.

I had an amazing but too short relationship. I have nothing but respect for the guy I was with and wish him the greatest happiness, even if it's not with me. I guess that if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. I'm hurting now but I wouldn't take back the past three months for anything.

Thank you everyone for the kind texts and messages. I have amazing friends and I love all of you.