Fear

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

When do you think it will all become clear?

Because I'm being taken over by the Fear

- Lily Allen

I'm afraid that my story may be one that ends in tragedy. I need for the past six months to be erased from my mind. To pretend the event in November that catapulted the end of my relationship and haunts me every time I close my eyes never happened. I need for it to all be gone. Because I don't know how to move on anymore. It's been one thing after another since that horrible day . . . How much can one person take before they break? I need for someone to save me, but know that I can only save myself.

I have good days and bad days. Days where I think that the world is a beautiful place and that everything is going to work out, and days where I remember last Fall/Winter and am physically incapable of moving. I try to forget certain things but they seep back into my mind like poison and infiltrate my dreams until they become nightmares of a dangerous kind. But I'm going to get through this. I have to. I need to surround myself with positive people. It's when I'm alone that things start to get scratchy. My brain is a landfill of emotions just waiting to erupt.

But I'm going to put a smile on my face and get out there again. There's really no other choice. After my ex and I broke up, I remember thinking, "just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep walking. Take it one step at a time." And that's what I need to do again. Put one foot in front of the other. Because as small of an accomplishment as that might sound, it's a hell of a lot better than being stagnant.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through all of this. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you a better actor. Let's hope that's true.