Playing in Thunderstorms

These past few days have been amazing. I've been auditioning, working, exploring my neighborhood, and making awesome new friends. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. Yeah, I've been on a string of bad dates (I mean, am I imagining things or is it not the appropriate thing for a guy to pay for dinner on the first date when he not only asked YOU out but also picked the place AND ordered for you?!?!?! I mean, let's face it, I've been out of the game for awhile so I may be a bit rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is something every guy over the age of 13 knows . . .)

I digress.

I find myself talking to complete strangers all the time, helping random people, and always having a smile to offer to someone who is struggling. I feel like I'm becoming a better person and the bitterness that once plagued my soul is dissipating. Sure, I don't think I believe in true love anymore (not for me anyway), but I'm thankful that I've gotten to love and be loved passionately a few times in my life. In short, I'm moving on and focusing on me and the impact I have on others. As long as I can be the best person I can possibly be, and make some kind of tiny influence on others' lives then I will be one happy girl.

And it certainly pumps up your confidence a bit when those people you do randomly talk to or help tell you what an amazing person you are. (Not that that's why I'm doing it obviously, but it does make you feel all glowy inside.)

Oh, and the best part of all? I'm playing again. Full on kid playing. Yeah, it may involve beer nowadays, but climbing trees, breaking into abandoned buildings, and dancing barefoot in Brooklyn puddles are what I live for. Shout out to A.Y. for being my partner in crime.

And now I shall sigh happily and nurse a glass of red wine. I may go out later tonight, I may not. But right now, I couldn't ask for better company :)

Laughing Through Life

Life has been fucking weird lately. Working my ass of to get jobs only to have them cancelled, falling head into cracked pavement for a guy who didn't want to catch me, (although who really knows because apparently in the 21st century when people want to end something they just never contact you again) [I mean, really REALLY? I miss the 1800's-Corsets, Horses, and Gentlemen? Umm, sign me up]), and then the clencher . . . randomly meeting said boy's ex only to find you absolutely adore her.

Lately I've felt like god is just laughing at me. Like, serious thunderstorm-causing laughs. I went over to my friend D's today to practice monologues, proceeded to cry about life for 20 minutes, and then made my way over to a bar to do a wine tasting for a bunch of drunks. When I walked into the restaurant I was (after some brief confusion about who I was) escorted to the marina. Confused as to where I would be setting up the tasting, I looked back and said, "I'm sorry, where am I going?"

"On the boat."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"On the boat."

"Um. You want me to go on that boat and do a wine tasting?"

"Yes, yes on boat!"

Ok, this is weird. But alright, whatever floats your boat (Seriously no pun intended there guys- I'm just that cool), I step up onto the deck of this sailing vessel and 50 pairs of eyes swiftly turn to me in question. I hear an announcer saying, "And here is E! Our wine connoisseur."

"Oh hi! Um . . . yes, I'm E. Nice to meet all of you."

A girl grabs me by the arm and drags me to the middle of the boat where I am to set up. I'm in the midst of popping open a bottle of cheap wine when I happen to glance over my shoulder and see a rope being thrown from the deck into the boat."

"Ahoy!"

What? WHAT?!?! THIS BOAT IS MOVING? WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

I mean really guys. I do these wine tastings at bars, restaurants, and liquor stores. How was I to ever expect that a boat in NEW YORK CITY none the less, was going to be thrown into the mix?

I ended up sailing through the hudson, down to the harbor, and around the statue of liberty for two hours . . . and it was magical. Absolutely, mind blowingly, soul-cleansing Magical. What I thought was going to be a crappy day of feeling sorry for myself ended up being one of my most favorite new york experiences ever. So, God may be laughing at me, but he's still throwing a me a bone every now and then.

- E

PS- No, I'm pretty sure he's still laughing at me. Did I tell you how after the boat, I went to an audition and was taught how to wrestle? Yeah, like actual wrestling. And get this. I'm good. Like, why the hell didn't I do this in highschool good. So yeah, if God had to pick a funny sport for me to actually be good at? Sure, it would probably be wrestling. Keep on laughing.

Love Lea Salonga

She has had such a wonderful career.

I Dreamed a Dream

Ghosts

Ghosts from another life,

Lingering, waiting, not sure

Where to go, how to leave their strife

Elusive peace, waiting for a cure

Plaguing all that they know

They whisper and haunt

Wondering where to go

Corrupting all whom they wish to taunt

Leave for good dear ghost,

For I cannot take your torture

As sweet as honey to the heart of most

As black as sewage to the soul of my aperture

Ghost, erase your words from my mind

Your touch from my skin

For I cannot move on from being of the blind

Until you are at peace again

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

(Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart or anyone I may have ever dated. And no judging. I have a vivid imagination.)

I want to punch you, slap you, scrape my nails across your beautiful face. I want to tear out your jugular with my bare teeth until you finally feel one iota of the pain you've caused my heart. Everyone wonders why girls are so "psycho." Because men make us that way, that's why.

A romance too short and too honey suckle sweet. I want to break your legs into a million little pieces after I've cut your toes off one by one. I want to cut your arteries open and drain out as much of your blood as the tears that you've made me cried. I want to stab you in the gut and sew your entrails into weird avant-garde artistic shapes before shoving them back into your body and sewing the skin up so that you have to suffer longer.

But what I really want above all else . . .

is for you to be mine again.

Not that you ever truly were.

Weekend Home

Mom: Have fun. And if you see a cute boy don't talk to him!

Me: Mom, I told you, I hate boys.

Mom: Then stop looking at all the cute ones!

Touche.

Had a lovely time with the fam and the bff's this weekend. Love you all!

I'm Clearly Not a Poet . . . but this is what's on my mind

Too many thoughts running through my head.

Boxed in, fighting to get out again.

Don't know where I come from or where I'm going.

Fight. Fight. FIGHT.

One more hour, one more day.

Don't know what happened to the life I had,

but it's over now.

Gone, with the wind beyond a storm.

And the calm after the storm is eerily quiet.

Peaceful in an uncomfortable way.

Work. Work. WORK.

Work until you are blinded by the sweat

running into your eyes. And one day,

One amazing day.

You will wake up and realize, this is your new life.

And you created it all by yourself.

City of Dreams

I came home from a job this morning, walked in the door, and my cats where doing the cutest thing. They both had hopped into their cages for traveling and were just sitting there waiting for me to take them somewhere. My little babies have become world travelers over the past few months. I picked up my phone to text their Papa, my ex, and then it happened. The moment. The moment where you're smiling and typing a text, only to have it suddenly hit you that you can't do that anymore. That you broke up and have no right to selfishly keep him as a friend. Hands shaking, I deleted the text and broke into tears. The saddest part of breaking up isn't the loss of a lover or boyfriend, it's the loss of a best friend. A best friend of five years that I told all my secrets too. A best friend that I stayed up reading with late at night and talking with for hours. A best friend that I texted the little details of life to everyday.

I think this is the first time since the breakup that I truly mourned over the loss of my friend. Oh, I've mourned over plenty of things, but so much in my life was happening, so many changes that took place so fast that I kinda just pushed it to the back of my mind and shoved my feelings deep into my heart. Now that my life is finally becoming more stable, they're coming up again. And this time I have to deal with them.

This is all a good thing though. After I shed my tears this morning, I felt a weight lift off of me. I knew that it was going to be ok. I have a roof over my head, an awesomely painted turquoise and red bedroom, and my two cats who mean the world to me back in my life. I have a boatload of friends that have stuck by me through it all. Yeah, there are those who haven't, and new friends I thought I had, who turned their backs as quickly as they had showed me their faces, but everyone goes through that. Life wouldn't be so sweet without the struggles. And right now? Well, it's starting to feel pretty sweet.

When all else fails, I look up into the beautiful Brooklyn sky and a solid peace fills me. This is where all my dreams are going to come true. I just know it.

Love this Poem- After a While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall