Freedom

The other day I was contemplating summer plans and was overcome by a sudden rush of freedom. It's stuck with me throughout the past couple days and it is an extremely calming and liberating feeling. For the first time in my life I don't have anything holding me back. I can do and go anywhere I want. I'm not in school, I'm not tied to a corporate job, I'm not in a relationship, and I don't have any kids. I do have a load of credit card debt (mainly from having to buy a car) but I'm hoping that will be paid off in the next two months. I can do whatever I want. That's freakin awesome.

Hollywood pretty much shuts down during the summer, so I can either stay here and just work at the bar (which is on the beach so I would make pretty damn good money), or I can travel somewhere. I can go back to NYC and maybe do a play. I can go visit family in Maryland, Boston, Ohio, and Detroit. I can go back to Ireland or France and visit friends there. Hell, I can go backpacking through Thailand by myself if I feel like it. The possibilities are endless. And the cool thing is that I don't have to decide now. The only deadlines I have are the ones I make myself.

The one act play that I wrote that is being performed in a month in NYC, is about how people in my generation beat ourselves up rushing to "make it" in our careers and in life. It's about how we need to slow down because before we know it we'll be older with even more responsibilities wondering what happened to our youth. We need to stop always being on the go and enjoy life instead of stressing so much. So that's what I'm doing. I've always felt so pressured to make it in acting by a certain age, but it's not going anywhere. Yeah, there are fewer roles for women as they get older, but there are also fewer actors. So I'm not going to stress about making it anymore. I'm just going with the flow. I'm taking my own advice for once. And it feels awesome.

If you need me I'll be by the beach. True, I'll probably be serving drinks, but it's still the beach nonetheless.

Ahhh Life. I Somehow Think You're Going to Work Out

Well I have to say that waitressing is hard work but I can't complain about the money. There is something to be said about walking out with a wad of cash at the end of the day. Instant gratification. Things are going pretty well out here. I just wrapped the webseries I was shooting yesterday and had an awesome time. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Well . . . I can't wait to see how the final product turns out, not my actual performance. I hate watching myself onscreen. I just always think that I could have done something better and I inevitably end up laughing at myself during serious scenes or cringing during funny scenes. But it was a lot of fun and the feeling of being paid to do what you love is indescribable.

Man my feet hurt. I kinda like that I'm doing physically grueling work. I mean it's not like I'm building skyscrapers or anything, but it's enough to make you appreciate life. Which is something I've been trying to do more of lately. I'm trying to appreciate it and have fun on my own. It would be so easy to jump into another relationship right now and though it is very tempting, I need to be selfish (in a good way) right now. I need to learn how to not just live on my own, but how to be happy with just myself and no one else. I can't tell you how many times I want to avoid going home after work because I don't want to be alone. Thankfully the new friends in my life realize what I'm going through and put me in my place when I call and whine about being lonely.

So anyway. That's all that's been happening on this coast. Working my butt off at a bar on the beach (I can't even describe the beauty of a sunset over the ocean from there), filming with some pretty cool people, and doing some soul searching. I am in a 100% better place than I was a month ago. But I still have a long way to go. I want to get back to the place I was years ago when I would have dance parties in my room by myself and it would be the most euphoric feeling of the day. I need to find myself again. And once I do, I will be a much better person not only for myself, but for whatever the next relationship I may be in.

Alright, time to go rest my weary feet, relax a little, and submit to some castings. I'm living my dream people. I somehow never envisioned waitressing as part of that dream, but nothing that is worth fighting for comes easy. And once I get it . . . it will be the best feeling in the world.

Day of the Irish

Sorry I've been slacking on posts lately! I've been working like crazy at my new serving job. I will be the first to admit that I am a TERRIBLE waitress. I have a pretty short attention span (I'm convinced to this day that I have ADD and was just never diagnosed- then again I'm a hypochondriac and am pretty much convinced I have everything. Have I mentioned the weird rash that just appeared on my leg?!) and I sometimes go back again and again to ask what it is they wanted. You would think a pen and paper would remedy this . . . but my handwriting is so bad that I can't always read what I wrote, lol. Hey, we can't all be good at everything ok? In a weird way it's kinda refreshing to find something I'm so horribly terrible at.

The first day of my webseries shoot went great. The entire cast and crew was awesome AND I was upgraded to the female lead. Alas, this means that I no longer get to make out with Mr. Belding, but I do have more lines and an additional shoot day now!

Oh, and I got a liquor tasting job too. It's pretty akin to what I did in NYC for awhile: going into liquor stores and asking customers if they'd like to sample a certain liquor. My schedule hasn't been set for that yet though so I'm not holding my breath. In this town nothing is certain until the check is in the bank.

I am so excited to go back to NYC at the end of April for the one act I'm writing. I'm working on the 2nd draft now and think I have some good stuff. It needs to be finished by tomorrow night so I have some more work to do but I'm pretty happy with it. Even though I'm not getting paid for it, I feel like it's a big step for me as a writer. It's a good feeling. And it's so weird that I'll be seeing some of my New York friends more now that I live on the west coast. One of my good friends Dlowe will be here next week, then I'll be back next month, and then one of my besties, C will be here for two weeks in May. Yay! I was so worried before about making LA my home, but I'm realizing that NYC can still be my home too. I'm working hard to make the bi-coastal thing happen.

On that note I need to get back to writing and maybe take a nap before serving a bunch of drunken a-holes tonight. Hopefully everyone will be in a chipper mood since it is in fact the day of the Irish.

Progress

Whew, what a week! A week ago today I got an agent. Sunday, I got a car. Wednesday, I booked my first acting gig, got a writing gig, and got a manager. Thursday, I got a job! Today I have a meeting at a modeling agency, an interview for a promotional gig, and my first night of training as a waitress.

So, where to begin . . . the acting gig. I booked a webseries (I'm in two episodes). I don't have a lot of lines, but it's a hilarious part. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to write about it, but suffice it to say, I will be making out with Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. Considering the fact that many of you have been calling me Spano for years, I'm sure no one is too surprised by this fact.

Next up: writing gig. I am equally as excited by this! I am writing a one act for a theatre troupe in NYC that they will be performing the last weekend of April/ 1st weekend of May. It's non paying but I actually don't mind because it's going to be awesome seeing my written words being brought to life. And let me tell you, Wednesday was an amazing day. I spent a good five hours just writing. It was just me, the pen on paper, a couple Tecates, and some tacos. If I could just act and write for the rest of my life, I would be the happiest girl on the planet.

And finally: the job. Haha, this is hilarious. I've been stressing about money all week and was meeting a friend at the Whaler (bar on the Venice boardwalk) last night. As I walk in, I just happen to ask the bouncer if they're hiring. "Umm, I'm not sure, but you're hot so let me introduce you to the owner," was his response. Um . . . okaaaay. Turns out they were about to open the outdoor patio and were just talking about how they needed another server when I walked in. I was grilled about my serving experience and am amazed at the lies that flew out of my mouth. Apparently I have 2 years experience as a server (at Fig and Olive LL, so tell your bf to vouch for me if they call!) and 3 as a hostess. . . I've never done either. See, I knew majoring in Bullshit (aka Theatre) in college was a good idea! It got me a job . . . as a waitress. I start training tonight and tomorrow afternoon and then am being thrown to the wolves tomorrow night so I hope to god they don't realize I have no clue what I'm doing.

On that note, I need to bust my butt over to West Hollywood for a meeting. I'm still missing NYC like crazy but I am one step closer to living the bi-coastal life that I want. I can't wait to see what next week brings.

Neverland

Wow so my last blog entry seemed to have made quite an impression- both positive and negative. It's always hard putting yourself and all your vulnerabilities out there for the world to see. Sometimes I think I should just stick to writing about acting in this blog, but then I'll get an email from a stranger, or a call or text from a long lost friend thanking me for writing my feelings because they feel the exact same way. I used to feel the same way whenever I would read my good friend Glitterati's blog. It's always nice to feel that you're not alone in your thinking/feelings. Of course not everyone is going to be on the same page as you but that's life. And it's funny how many people here in LA have asked me to hang out since reading my last entry. Thanks guys for helping me get on my feet! Literally- thanks guys. Everyone that contacted me to chill was a male. Not that I'm complaining, I mean friends are friends. But step it up girls. I need some more estrogen in my life.

So I got a car. And I love it. I'm not sure what to name her. I was thinking "Stella" but that seems a bit overdone. We'll see. I bought her on my credit card (funny how I know she's a she), so she obviously wasn't too expensive . . . I mean it's no Cadillac. But it's all mine. I've already been out and about (though I have yet to tackle the highways) and I think she and I will get along just fine.

I had one audition today and have two tomorrow. It's great being a full time auditioner (no really, I actually love auditioning) . . . next step: book something. Things are going to work out just fine. I know it. I'm going to book something (fingers crossed) and then one day open up my own production company and vintage clothing store. (The Vintage store is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother day, but is something that has long been in the works).

Wait . . . what was that? Did I just set a goal for myself? I think I did! Awesome! I have a five year plan! I always wanted to be a person with a five year plan but my life was always so crazy that I couldn't imagine the next week let alone the next year. Not that it's any less crazy now, but yay!

Oh good, I'm excited. So I know where I'll be in five years (well metaphysically anyway- I have no idea where I'll be physically located) and I know everything is going to work out. The glass has become half full.

* Literally while I was just finishing up this blog entry someone called me about my blog to tell me how inspiring it was. I asked him why he felt it was inspiring, because I don't write with that intention (though it's of course a nice side effect). But why would someone find my blog (especially the depressing entries from the past 3 months or so) inspiring? He said that it was because upon first meeting me, one would think that I have everything together. So it's nice to see that I am in fact human and I struggle too. And that inspires him. Interesting. Thanks Columbia. (That's your nickname in here M.R.)

So, it's been a good Monday. The glass is half full, I'm going on auditions, I have a car, and I'm on my way to becoming a real adult. . . Ok, honestly I need to drop that whole "becoming an adult" thing. It's been a common theme in my blog entries, and let's be honest- It's not going to happen. I'm never going to be a "normal" adult. And I don't want to.

I believe in Neverland.

Not ok

I'm not ok. There I admitted it. I'm tired of constantly saying, "Oh yeah, I'm doing great!" I'm not. Things are not ok. But they will be. They have to be.

I am in a constant battle of depression vs. happiness. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face but it's not working. I wonder why I felt the need to up and leave everything and everyone that I know and love to come to a strange land completely alone. I feel so isolated. I'm a people person and I'm realizing that I hate being alone. In the shower I can't tell where the water ends and the tears begin. I try to be responsible. I try to make my eggs and toast in the morning and even make my bed. But I lean towards the self destructive. I want to give up. I want to move back to the east coast where I can be closer to my parents, my baby nephew, all my friends and loved ones. But I know that will only bring momentary happiness. Eventually I'll get restless again and wonder why I left the west coast.

Strangers here want to help. But I need to learn to do this by myself. I need to learn once and for all how to depend on myself for my own happiness and no one else. I don't know what I believe when it comes to religion, but if there's a god, I think that's what he must want from me right now.

I have spouts of fleeting happiness. I got an agent yesterday- exactly two months after I moved here. I was in New York for 4 years and only freelanced with agents. So that's great news. Really really great news. But I have no one to celebrate it with out here.

I want to give up. I want to go back to the home where I grew up and just cry for a month and have my mom take care of me. I want to forget that I'm an adult with responsibilities and dreams. I want to be surrounded by love instead of strangers.

But then I go to an audition. And for the five minutes that I'm in there, I am in utter bliss. It is the happiest that I ever feel. For five minutes I get to be someone else. I get to create a different world, bringing another person to life. Those five minutes are what I am risking everything for. I have to make it out here. I'm giving up any semblance of a normal life until I do. Acting means everything to me. And if leaving my entire life to come here with a suitcase and two cats doesn't prove that then I don't know what does. Sometimes I think having this dream is a curse. But in the end it's always worth it. At the end of a shoot day I always have a peaceful contentedness that tells me I'm doing exactly what I should be.

So chin up. Time to move forward. No, I'm not ok right now. But I will be.

Today's Music Obsession: Citizen Cope

Sideways Lyrics

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away

Love, Career, or Both?

Ah New York. As soon as I got off the plane I felt a huge weight lift off my chest. I was back. The producers of a short I did this past summer flew me out for the premier (they are by far the kindest people I've ever worked with). I was there for just four days and it brought me back down to earth and grounded me in a way I didn't even realize I had needed. I need both LA and NYC in my life. When I was just in NYC I felt myself beginning to get bitter. Here in LA I tend more towards the lazy side. Being bi-coastal evens me out perfectly. I hope that the bi-coastal thing happens sooner rather than later.

Airports are some of my favorite places. They are full of love. Parents dropping their kids off for the first time, lovers saying tearful goodbyes, and couples reuniting. All of the love is beautiful. I wish that anyone against same sex marriage could have seen what I saw last night getting off the plane. Waiting at the terminal was an 80 year old woman's elderly lesbian lover. The joy and pure love that shone in both their eyes when they saw each other was palpable. These were two elderly women who had found their true love. They just kept holding each others faces and smiling like they were the only two people on earth. It made me happy to know that that kind of love can last.

For other people at least . . . I don't know if with my career choice I'll ever be able to hold on to anything like that. I want to . . . so badly. I just don't know if its possible. I wonder what older people would say about choosing one's career over love. My grandmother was an amazing singer and gave up her chance with radio big shots in order to get married to my grandpa. They had a fairy-tale marriage. The kind that you think only exists in books. But I always wondered if she regretted giving up on her dreams. Then again, your dreams don't keep you warm at night. . . I just have to trust that I can have both.

Ok, that's enough of that sappy tangent. I am going to go bury myself in work now to distract myself from these things called feelings. You did it again New York.