2010

Wow. December 20th. You sure snuck up on me. I cannot believe how jam packed with changes this past year has been. I look back, and I have to say that I'm proud to come out of it all in one piece. Moving to LA, moving back to NYC, couch surfing, forging new relationships and friendships, breaking up, breaking up, and breaking up some more. . . the number of times I apparently fell in love this past year astounds me. Then again, maybe none of it was real. Like my mom says, I'm in love with the idea of being in love. And some of the people I chose this past year . . . well let's just say I could probably fall in love with a rock if it looked at me the right way. But I did it. I made it out alive, all on my own.

It is with great pleasure that I welcome 2011. And even though I'll be working a party in the top of a hotel in Times Square that night and will probably want to murder the millions of tourist that take over my city . . . well, I'll still have a pretty big smile on my face. :D

Oh Carpe Diem

One of my best friends recently told me that one of the reasons I feel so much is that everyone always says, "carpe diem, live everyday like it's your last," but that I actually do that. It's an interesting point because I recently went through some old college papers from an acting class and wrote about this very topic.

Back then, I made the point that it was impossible to live everyday like it was your last because we would end up consumed by emotion and consequences. I basically wrote that if you feel that passionately every second of everyday then you would go crazy. I'm not sure when the shift took place where I went from believing you couldn't, to actively doing it.

She's right though. There is a very fine line between living everyday like it's your last and reality. That line however, often gets very blurred. It's the reason why I fall so hard for people, it's the reason I get so happy and then so down. It's why I have no idea what's going to happen in the future (although I guess no one does, particularly artists in NYC), and am sometimes consumed by the past.

So what does this new revelation mean to me? I can't say I'm sure. I need a break from myself. I need a break from all these feelings. I'm pretty sure that if you looked up "emo" in the dictionary there would be a picture of me next to pictures of people reciting poetry in small dark venues.

So . . . I am going to try not to put so much pressure on myself to live everyday like it's my last. Because hotdamn, that gets exhausting! So today? Well today I'm just going to calmly live. And guess what? Tomorrow I will too. Because I doubt this is my last day on earth. And if it is? Well, I've already accomplished a lot in my 20 something years, so I'd be ok with that too.

Peace and Love :)

E

Top 10 Best Apartments

I hate it when bars publish their own "propaganda" saying, "Rated Top 10 Nightlife Spots in the World!" Oh yeah? According to who, my friend? Because I don't see any proof except that a lot of suited up douchebags go to your bar. In lieu of this recent pet peeve, my roommate and I have decided to issue the following statement:

"The 3rd floor apartment at *** Lorimer Street, in the trendy Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is ranked in the Top 10 Best Apartments in New York City, and Top 30 Worldwide."

Take that. BOOYAH!

That's right. I now officially live in one of the best apartments in New York City. And if anyone wants to argue with me that my crappy run down apartment isn't in the top 10? Well, the proof is above. Because it says so on the internet.

E

Make Over of the Soul

I. Have. Been Such. An. Idiot. Alienating my friends, not listening to advice from loved ones, obsessing like a crazy person, and whining and crying like some dumb heart broken sorority girl. What the hell have I been doing? That's so not me! That has been the past three weeks. But no more, I say! No more!

Because really, I think I seek the drama that boys bring into my life so that I don't have to think about my own issues. The fact that I don't know how to live any other life than that of a starving actress. The fact, that I'm scared I might never make it. The fact that this is the first time in years that I am truly alone. The fact that if I can't make rent next month, I have no one to lean on but myself.

This revelation has been an excellent one. I suddenly am at peace because I know what I have to do. And it all starts tomorrow when I will clean my wreck of an apartment. By Christmas I am going to be back to the funny, caring confident friend that I used to be. This is a makeover of the soul. No more dating. Focusing on me.

Awesome.

PS- If you are one of my friends I a) haven't seen and/or b) haven't listened to your advice when it's because you care about me, I am truly sorrow. I think this is the first time I've made a public apology. It's oddly unsettling. I don't like admitting I'm wrong, but there you have it.

Sleeping Well

I feel a billion times better than I did a few days ago. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason and I'm actually thrilled that I'm getting up earlier every morning to pursue my dream.

Had my first day of filming today for a cool film I'm doing. It was awesome. I was even hooked up to a heart monitor for part of the time.

Screw these boys. As one of my bf's N, says, "No man should ever decide how fast your heart beats or how low it sits in your chest."

Acting is and always will remain my one and only true love. Sure, it may not always keep me warm at night, but knowing that I'm a good, loving, and passionate person who has already lived a very full life . . . well that'll certainly help me sleep :)

Can't breathe.
Can't eat.
Anxiety crushing the chest.

Great things happening with Acting.
But it doesn't seem to matter as much if I can't share them with you.

I miss you . . .
Just waiting for you to change your mind . . .
Waiting for you to come back to me . . .

I fear I may be waiting in vain.

Bouncing, Not Breaking

It's amazing how much your life can change in five days. Five days ago I was walking on clouds. Today, I am walking on hot coals.

Hands shaking.
Breaths shallow.
Stomach in knots.

But I will be ok. No one has ever died from a broken heart. I'll bounce back up.

And on the upside, now I don't have to shave my legs all winter and can go back to wearing comfortable grannie panties. Now I can return the cute pj's I bought to wear to Texas for Christmas. Can't return the adorable slipper sock booties though. My cats already pawed those apart.

And right now? Now, I need some time to soberly reflect on the past few days. Now, I need to be alone. I'm not going to date for a very long time. I need to be alone. I need to quell the storm in my heart. I need to stop drinking so much and bring calmness back into my life.

I had an amazing but too short relationship. I have nothing but respect for the guy I was with and wish him the greatest happiness, even if it's not with me. I guess that if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. I'm hurting now but I wouldn't take back the past three months for anything.

Thank you everyone for the kind texts and messages. I have amazing friends and I love all of you.