Current Musical Obsession: Pink

I was never a huge Pink fan but her latest songs have been amazing. Check out her song "Sober."

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

A Few Ironic Thoughts on Technology

Can you imagine a life without technology? I got a taste of it last week and was none too happy. My computer decided to conk out, so for five days I didn't have a car or a computer. It was a dark time. Not having a car in LA is hard enough. My computer is my link to the outside world. Without that link, it was just me and my thoughts . . . and it got dark.

Now that I have my computer back (minus the hard drive, and therefore minus ALL my stuff- pics, scripts I wrote, resumes, everything) I'm thinking that we (or me anyway) are way too dependent on technology. I mean, for my career it's necessary because submitting online is how I get most of my auditions, but as a whole? Damn. I miss focusing on human relationships in person. I long for those late night conversations while actually hearing my friends' voices. True, it's easier to keep up with more people via social networking sites, but it also takes something real away.

How many times when pulling out your camera with friends are you thinking, "this'll make a kick ass facebook photo?" Facebook "relationship status's" have actually become a real way of determining where you stand with people you're dating. What's his status say? "It's complicated?" Oh, well good that's cleared up then. Guess we don't need to have "the talk." I mean, when my ex and I broke up, one of the first things we talked about was changing our status's to "single" It's just weird. I'm not saying that social networking sites are bad. I just think that sometimes they hold so much importance in people's lives that they miss out on actually living.

I dunno, maybe I'm just feeling more isolated than usual without my friends and without a car and all. I know things will get easier. And when they do, I'm sure I'll still be updating my status to say how happy I am. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to live in person more. Because when it comes down to it, having fun with actual people is a helluva lot more joyous than having fun with just you and your computer.

Addendum: As I was out to dinner with a friend tonight, I literally grabbed my phone and said, "hold on, I have to update my facebook status." I'm addicted. Is it the need to be known? The desire to have someone care? The want of some kind of connection? Is technology detrimental to human relationships or actually beneficial? I don't know. Let's discuss.

Audition Feedback, Youth, and Going off on a Tangent

Getting feedback after auditions in always a difficult task. I, actually, love hearing feedback, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. (Damn, how many commas did I just use in that sentence?!?) But many casting directors are afraid to say anything (with good reason- there are plenty of "psycho" actors out there who go off the deep end if critiqued). This is why I was pleasantly surprised to find a way to get feedback after the casting is said and done.

There is an audition place here in LA called CATZ. When you audition at CATZ, the people take your audition, post it online for only you and the casting director to see, and ask the casting director for comments. It's awesome! Not only do you get unfiltered opinions from the casting director, but YOU get to see exactly what you did. For example, I never realized just how distracting it is that I move my head around so much when I act. I look like a little curious bobblehead monkey.

Anyway, the feedback I got on my audition was basically, "You were great- one of our favorites. But one of our collaborators didn't think you could pass for 18." Which I guess is a good thing . . . at least it wasn't within my control . . . but at the same time, why do I feel like it's my fault I don't look 18 anymore? It's this silly female mentality that we have to find the fountain of youth and if we don't then we become societal outcasts. But you know what? I think I look a helluva lot better now than I did when I was 18. My hair isn't all frizzy, I finally know how to put on eyeliner, and most of all I have confidence. When I was 18, my confidence was equivalent to how much a guy liked me or how many of my friends I could impress. Now I don't rely on anyone but myself for that. I've grown up. And I like it.

I feel like I'm about to start writing a self help book here so that's my cue to stop typing. That and I have to go re-paint my chipped fingernails so I can indeed actually look like the adult I am pretending to be. Have a great weekend everyone. I'll be getting into plenty of trouble myself;)

Growing up and Having Balls

So I'm starting to get a lot of auditions. Nothing big yet. Just small indies and student films. BUT I can't get to some of them because I don't have a stupid car yet. (Yes, I just whined that sentence.) I was declined by Toyota Financial. Nothing makes you feel less like an adult than having to call your parents asking them to co-sign an application because you can't get a car on your own. All the more reason to live in NYC. What really pisses me off is that I missed a callback. I can't get a car because I don't have any money. I can't make any money because I don't have a car. Life is a big catch-22.

Yeah yeah, I know, I'm living the dream, yadda yadda yadda. I'm just a bit tired of my dream consisting of ramen noodles as my main meal of the day and sleeping on a bed that feels like a slab of rock. I know I shouldn't be complaining- there are so many worse things going on in the world. But I'm hungry and tired and just want to work NOW. Patience never was a virtue that I was blessed with.

Most of the auditions that I've made it to have been great. I've been getting really good feedback and more importantly feel good about my performances. I think I'm being a lot more laid back and natural in my performances than I was in New York which is good because being too "actory" was always my biggest problem. There was however one audition that was a mess. . .

I managed to finagle a ride from a friend and headed over to USC's campus (one of the best, if not the very best film school in the country) and walked in . . . to a stairwell. I looked around. Was this really where I was supposed to be? None of my other auditions at USC were like this. . . They were usually quite professional for student films. I sauntered up the stairs looking for a sign in sheet and was informed by a fellow actor that there was none. Really?!?! I don't know if I've ever been to an audition with so many people and no sign in sheet. I mean, use a napkin for all I care, but there has to be some order! But alas, there was none. I sat in the cold stairwell listening to the "producer" have actors one by one read the entire 10 page script behind a suspicious looking door. I waited around for an hour and finally decided I couldn't make my ride wait any longer so I gave my headshot and resume to the producer for future castings. He looked shocked that I was actually leaving. Mind you, it was 10pm by this time and my audition was scheduled for 9pm. Apparently most actors out here don't stick up for themselves or have balls. I guess I grew mine in New York.

Other than auditions, not much else is really going on. My social life is pretty good, though one of my closest friends out here was in a major car accident. He'll be ok in a couple months and I've gathered some movie ideas by spending time visiting him in the hospital. . . hey you have to get your inspiration from somewhere. I miss all my friends back east, but there is room on my friend card for everyone :) In the meantime I'll be working on trying to convince Toyota that regardless of my career choice, I am indeed (gasp) . . . an adult.

No Holds Barred

It is so gosh darn beautiful out here. I sit in my backyard every morning with my laptop while I eat my breakfast and sip my coffee and think about how peaceful LA is. It's hard to be miserable when it's so nice outside. Yeah, I still get stressed about life and how I'm going to make it, but I don't feel as pressured as I did in NYC. It's nice. And I'm paving my own way out here. Well trying to anyway. . .

I crashed an audition yesterday.

There I said it. Whew, that felt good to admit. I felt SO guilty doing it, but I happened to be with a friend of mine who was auditioning and there happened to be a role that I would be good for so I went for it. I politely thanked the casting director for letting me crash and he said, "No problem. It happens all the time." That got me thinking. Maybe I need to start crashing more auditions. I would never do it for an actual studio project but for these small low budget indies? Why not? I don't have an agent submitting me for stuff so I have to take matters into my own hands.

As a friend of mine back in NYC just emailed me: But the important things is you are out there doing it!! Put the pedal to the metal . Don't lose focus of your mission. You are there to take over the world. No one will give it to you. You gotta grab it with both hands and take it yourself.

I am taking over the world people. One motherf'ing day at a time. Success will be mine. And if I have to get it by crashing a few auditions then so be it.

No holds barred.