Thank You

I have seen and felt so much beauty in the world lately. The gentle caress of someone you care about. The laughter of your best friend's voice on the other end of the phone. The joy of instantly bonding with a new friend. The cheerful hello from a stranger. I love it all. I have moments where I am so happy that I could burst. And those moments are truly what has been helping me get through all of this. All of this apartment hunting, job searching, coming to terms with being in the city without my ex this time around, trying to figure out my place in this world . . . everything.

You all know who you are and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I am so so very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I won't forget it.

And those of you who haven't been there for me? Well I won't forget that either. ;) No, that's not a threat, (or is it?) Mwahahahaha.

No, but seriously. You all have been amazing. The messages and emails of support I've gotten from people have been astounding. I'm very lucky to have surrounded myself with such positive people.

Much Love,
E

Does Lady Luck Decide Your Fate?

I can't believe I'm the age that I am, (and no I'm not telling how old that may be). Although we all age at the same rate, I seem to be the only one getting any older. And that only means one thing to me. That I have less and less time to "make it" as an actress. Some would argue that I've already made it. After all, I get paid to be in films/on TV/onstage. But I have yet to do something that I am passionately proud of. Part of this is because I'm by far my own worst critic (with the exception of maybe my dad ;) ) and part of it is because I don't have a "name" yet so I'm pretty much restricted to lower budget things.

It's always bothered me that someone else pretty much decides your fate as an actor. Oh, you can take all the classes you want, practice like crazy, and go to tons of seminars, but what it boils down to is being in the right place at the right time. Yes, it takes talent. But it takes a helluva lot of luck too. You can give the best audition of your life, but if the men behind the table don't like you . . . well there's nothing you can do about it.

Or so I thought.

Until I decided to start my own production company. A year ago, I discovered a deep passion for writing that had been buried for years. It stems from the same place as my love for acting. A deep desire for bringing characters to life. Because they're not really "characters" at all. They're you. They're me. They're your best friend. Your worst enemy. Your lover. Your neighbor. The old man down the street that you say hi to every morning. And so much more. I've always wondered while passing by strangers what their story is. What makes them who they are. Where their neurosis stem from.

And now, not only do I get to bring these stories and people to life. I get to create them as well. I get to research and discover why that person is the way that they are. And hopefully through this, I can bring a little light and perspective to other people as well.

And if I happen to be my own Lady Luck? Well that's a pretty damn big bonus.

It's Time

So it finally hit me the other day. I don't have to be miserable anymore! It's totally a choice. There are people in far worse circumstances than me who make it through the day with a smile on their face, so why can't I? I can! So, here's to me being happy. Yeah, I don't have a place to live yet, but I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends and people in my life who have housed me over the past few weeks. Yeah, I don't have a real job, but I've gotten a helluva lot of freelance work considering I've only been back . . .(gasp) a month! What!?!?!?! I just looked at a calendar. I can't believe it's been a month already. I feel like it's only been two weeks. But not to panic. It must mean I'm having a pretty damn good time if time is flying by so fast.

It's time to move on from my past. It's hard. Like grasping for straws that are halfway filled with cement, but it's time. It's time to make this city mine again. I'm excited and scared and happy and nervous and inspired all at the same time. Things are not only going to work out, they're going to be great.

It's time to be my own light.

Fear

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

When do you think it will all become clear?

Because I'm being taken over by the Fear

- Lily Allen

I'm afraid that my story may be one that ends in tragedy. I need for the past six months to be erased from my mind. To pretend the event in November that catapulted the end of my relationship and haunts me every time I close my eyes never happened. I need for it to all be gone. Because I don't know how to move on anymore. It's been one thing after another since that horrible day . . . How much can one person take before they break? I need for someone to save me, but know that I can only save myself.

I have good days and bad days. Days where I think that the world is a beautiful place and that everything is going to work out, and days where I remember last Fall/Winter and am physically incapable of moving. I try to forget certain things but they seep back into my mind like poison and infiltrate my dreams until they become nightmares of a dangerous kind. But I'm going to get through this. I have to. I need to surround myself with positive people. It's when I'm alone that things start to get scratchy. My brain is a landfill of emotions just waiting to erupt.

But I'm going to put a smile on my face and get out there again. There's really no other choice. After my ex and I broke up, I remember thinking, "just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep walking. Take it one step at a time." And that's what I need to do again. Put one foot in front of the other. Because as small of an accomplishment as that might sound, it's a hell of a lot better than being stagnant.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through all of this. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you a better actor. Let's hope that's true.

Not Just an Ordinary Grilled Cheese

I love how people in restaurants make such a big deal about a person eating alone. "Are you just one?" Yes. "So, you're alone?" Yes, I'm pretty sure we just established that. "Well, we only have big tables in here. Maybe there's a smaller table outside. Jose! Are there any small tables?" "For how many?" "Just one. She's alone!" Perfect. Thank you for yelling to the entire restaurant that I am in fact, completely alone. Not that I mind being alone. I actually need and crave it at times. But that doesn't mean I want an entire restaurant staring at me like I'm some kind of crazed zoo animal.

So there I was, writing in my journal and enjoying a healthy feast of grilled cheese, when I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation next to me. It was a man and woman in their 40's talking about how they just realized their happiness couldn't be tied to how many auditions they went on or how many gigs they booked. I recently realized this myself, so of course I jumped into the conversation. They told me I'm 20 years ahead of my time so I'm on the right track, but that I'll still be struggling with the concept with I'm 40. Great. Sounds awesome.

But it was cool talking to people older than me in my profession. It felt validating in a weird way. And of course, I love talking to strangers. I'm addicted to studying human behavior and observing how people walk, talk, and interact with others vs. how they act alone. Marcia Cross, was supposedly a working psychologist after her long time partner passed away, and I think that's a big part of why she's such a great actress. She studied human behavior at the root. She observed people at their rawest.

See how much I learned by eating alone today? And that's the thing about New York. Even when you're by yourself, you're never truly alone.