Perceptions

“Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. It’s not what you look at that matters. But what you see . And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost.  And the monsters, find a way of getting out." 

Twice by Little Dragon

"Twice I turned my back on you
I fell flat on my face but didn't lose
Tell me where would I go
Tell me what led you on I'd love to know

Was it the blue night gone fragile
Was it both men in wonder steady gone under
Was it the light ways so frightening
Was it two wills, one mirror holding us dearer now

Thought I had an answer once
But your random ways swept me along
Colossal signs so I got lost
With so many lovers singing soft

Was it the blue night gone fragile
Was it both men in wonder steady gone under
Was it the light ways so frightening
Was it two wills one mirror holding us dearer now"


Video

Truth

“The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. By preying on the doubts and uncertainties that already lurk there.

Are we true to ourselves or do we live for the expectations of others? And if we are open and honest. . . can we ever truly be loved?

Can we find the courage to release our deepest secrets? Or in the end are we all unknowable? Even to ourselves?”

Ha

Yes

Money Can't Buy Happiness

I would have built forts and eaten PB&J's with you. I would have moved to the dessert and lived in a cave just listening to you play guitar while being enamored with and falling into your eyes. I would have done it all.

Video

Art is the Best Therapy

New project I'm involved in. To learn more or donate please go to Kickstarter.

Rihanna

Rihanna may be "pop"-y. She may be just as messed up as the best of us. But damn, I wish she was my friend. Because right now I feel like she's the only one who get's it. 

"It’s like screaming

And no one can hear

You almost feel ashamed

That someone could be that important

That without them you feel like nothing

No one will ever understand how much it hurts

You feel hopeless

Like nothing can save you

And when it’s over and it’s gone

You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back

So that you could have the good"

Video

Blame

BLame

Blame

blame

Eventually one sees the mistakes they have made. And the blame on others goes away. Because, really . . . the mistakes one has made are their own. And no one can be blamed on that but oneself. 

Just because I'm not contacting you doesn't mean I don't think about you every second of every day. It's messed  up. Horribly. 

Getting better. Day by day. By myself. Alone. Scariest, but most important words ever. 

How to get over betrayal? By friends, by a loved one, by someone you thought was your soulmate? How? Step by step. Day by day. Throwing yourself into work. Making art. There is nothing more painful in this world than learning the past year of your life has been a lie. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One word at a time. And hopefully . . . hopefully . . . one day . . . it will be better.

Guess That's What Happens When a Tornado Meets a Volcano

There are no words for this kind of pain.

They said it best

Reasons I'm Glad I Didn't Go Away Forever

Music
Bubble baths
Cat licks
Healing tears
The wind in my face
The sunshine
The clouds
The rain
The warmth
Deep belly laughs
Records
Kindness of strangers
Best friends
Cozy blankets
The giddiness of seeing yourself on tv when you randomly switch it on . . .

But most of all.
The outside.
Nature.
Beauty.
The Universe.



Taking care of Her for once.

My Expesive Lil Baby

I pretty much had one of the worst weeks ever. It all happened on Tuesday. I received the call. A call I've never ever ever ever gotten. I was fired. They said they couldn't disclose the reason (isn't that illegal?) but I was not to show up to any more of my shifts. Great.

Then I noticed clear cat vomit all over my apartment. Like ALL over. I picked up Jimmy and he was completely limp. Trying to stay calm, I rushed him over to the clinic where they admitted him immediately. Turns out he had swallowed TONS of thread from my sewing machine. It had wrapped all the way through his intestines and into his colon. Major major surgery. It was going to cost $1500 and if I didn't have half of it now they wouldn't take him and he would pass away. In tears, the angel of the receptionist helped me apply to an animal credit card immediately and because she worked her magic it was approved for exactly $1500.

Thank God.

My stomach has been in knots all week. It was a five hour surgery that he basically shouldn't have survived but did because he is so strong. He's home with me now and we have to make sure his bowels start working properly but he's not out of the woods.

Unfortunately, I can't stay home with him today because I (fortunately) am training for a new job. It's a bartending gig at a super awesome wine bar and I'm really nervous because it's just a trial run and I'm going to be thinking about Jimmy the whole time. But it's ok. I have to keep calm and carry on.

The perspective you get when something like this happens to someone you love is insane. I don't care about petty arguments anymore. I don't even care that I got fired anymore. My baby almost died and maybe if I hadn't gotten that call I wouldn't have woken up in time to see how sick he was.

Sigh. Ok. Off to go train. I'm really nervous. Wish me luck. And keep Jimmy in your thoughts.

Ten Years

I gotta say that this is weird. The tenth anniversary. I think everyone remembers where we were ten years ago. It's even weirder that I have to walk by the World Trade Center to get to work for the next couple days. Although I won't really be able to walk by. At first I was annoyed that I would have to walk about 30 blocks out of my way to get to my job (because most streets down there are closed for the next two days and my boats both depart from right next to the WTC). And then I started to feel bad. Not just feel bad, but watch the news and start sobbing because I thank God I've never had to go through anything like that and can't believe some of my fellow New Yorkers have had to be so strong during literally hell on earth for them.

And then I realized that not only is it a bit weird, but also a bit scary. Because I'm going to be down there, literally on ground zero on the tenth anniversary. And the media (which I know exaggerates to no extent), is talking about how there is going to be another attack tomorrow. After the Earthquake and Hurricane Irene, I know that I should take what the media says with a grain of salt. But it's still a bit unnerving to know that with all the warnings, tons of subways shut down, and roads completely shut off, that I somehow have to still get to work.

But that's what we should do, right? Not be scared. Not let these assholes who attacked us ten years ago to change our lives. So that's what I'll be doing today and tomorrow. I'm going to go to work like normal (even though I'll have to walk a shitload out of my way), be reverent to those who never could have imagined their fate on that horrible day, and be respectful to my country by leading my life like normal.

But we all know it won't be normal. We've all been affected by this. My ex had to stand by as a National Guardsmen at the Pentagon while burning bodies were pulled out. My current had to live in an apartment that smelled like burning bodies for three months. None of this is normal. I can't imagine how those who lost people have gotten by in the past ten years. But we shouldn't forget the affect that the terrorist attacks had on everyone. On humanity. No one should have to go through that. No one.

I'll be praying for everyone even though I don't necessarily believe in a higher power. But I'll still be praying. Just in case. And I'll be sending positive thoughts to everyone in NYC and DC tomorrow (today technically). I love you my fellow New Yorkers. I respect you even more.

Peace and Love,

E

Meh

I woke up suddenly and can't go back to sleep. I think it's a combo of a lot of things. Particularly an awful "casting" I went to today. I use the word casting lightly because I'm pretty sure it was just some young dude on a power trip who didn't actually have anything to cast. The way he was talking to the girls in front of me was awful. I almost left. I should have left. But I "interviewed" anyway and wouldn't let him break me down like he did the others. And he did not like that. Nope not at all. I'm not even going to go into the awful things he said to me.

I'm so tired of this lifestyle. I just want a peaceful life. My soul is getting too old and wary to continue living my life like I'm still 25.

Because I'm not anymore.

I just don't want any drama in my life. I want to somehow exterminate all the fake assholes in this business that waste our time just because they know they can get a bunch of pretty girls into a room if they hold a "casting." And I want my freaking ankle to heal. It's been a month since I sprained it and it's absolutely killing me now. I want to be able to wear heels again. And I'm tired of living in a tiny crappy dust and cat hair filled apartment that feels like it's going to collapse with every truck that drives by. I want a house. I want a yard. I want a garden that I can grow fresh vegetables in.

Ok, I know I'm just whining now. I'm usually a glass filled half way kinda gal, but this morning I feel a big load of emotional crap.

Meh.

Just Another Monday in the Life of E

I woke up in a great mood at 8am this morning. I'm not sure if anyone can understand how monumental this is. A: because I haven't woken up before 10 in . . . wow, I don't even know. It's been awhile. B: Because I am not a morning person and pretty much want to punch cute furry things in the face every time I wake up. So I am happy to report that today is different. Perhaps it's the change in season. God knows it wasn't any kind of amazing weekend. I haven't had such an isolating weekend in ages. The friends and the boy were all busy working or playing with others. I worked for a few hours both days (Ok, ok, I can't say it was that boring. I did get to host a beautiful wine tasting in the backyard of a Williamsburg wine store AND I got to host a wine tasting on a boat). But I was lonely. I know, I know, go cry about it. Everyone gets lonely. But the roommates been gone for a week and with M in Austin and everyone else being busy bees, well I've had to make fun for myself. Normally, this would lead me to bars and books, and random encounters making new friends. But to be honest, I haven't really felt like drinking lately and I'm a bit sick of the same scene all the time.

So, left to my own devices, I got some studying done and starting playing the piano again. I recently brought a keyboard back to the city from my hometown and though it's not anything like having a real piano, it's better than nothing. But incredibly frustrating. Because I used to be good and now I can barely remember songs I used to rock out to at recitals. But it all takes practice. It's the same with my singing. I tell everyone about how I used to be good and then get a faraway gleam in my eye implying that I miss it more than anything in the world. Well suck it up E! Yeah, it's gonna suck for awhile and be frustrating as hell in the beginning because you know you're not playing up to your true potential, but practice makes perfect. And as the band teacher of my highschool always said, "Perfect practice makes perfect." So all I can do is keep on at it.

On a more serious note, (and I can't believe this is the THIRD time I've had to bring this up in my blog) I do not understand why so many people misuse the internet. There is a such thing as being socially responsible both with yourself and with others. Now I don't necessarily fall into the first category. I am known to occasionally over-share in this venue after all. But I over-share about MYSELF. I choose to tell or vent only about me. I would never ever tell a friend's secrets on a blog. Opinions? Fine. I totally gotcha. Use me as an example? Go ahead. But posting details and one particular secret that no one else knows? Too far, my friend. Too far. And don't give me the excuse that no one reads your blog. Get a statistic counter and you'd be surprised. I have people from all around the world reading this thing. And if it's your diary? Then make the entries private.

Anyway, I'm not about to get into some kind of blog war. I'm not mad at anyone, just disappointed in the misuse that society continues to perpetuate on this venue. I remember the days when the worst thing you could do was gossip on the phone. Now with the internet, we have kids committing suicide because of online bullying, friendships being torn apart (oh yes, I've seen it happen), and worst of all finding out a loved one has passed away via the internet. Just use your brain people. Think, "could this possibly hurt someone other than myself?" If the answer is yes, then perhaps you should rethink posting. And if you have to get it out? THEN MAKE THAT SHIT PRIVATE.

Had to get that out. I think I'll watch the morning news now (people do that at this hour right?) and then get ready to go work on a boat. I haven't been trained on how to open yet and I'm going to be the only one there so this should be interesting. I'm sure I'll get through it. And then I suppose I'll come home and play the keyboard some more before making it another early night. Guess I'm growing up after all.

Peace and Love,

E

PS- Speaking about being socially irresponsible, the news is the worst culprit of all. But I could write an essay on that so its just going to have to wait for another day :)

Fall Fun

I don't know what it is about Fall that makes me feel so incredibly motivated and able to GSD. (If you haven't heard me use this acronym before, it stands for Getting Shit Done, which I kindly stole from fellow blogger and good friend The New Glitterati). Actually, of course I know. It goes back to ye ole school days when September meant school supplies and clothing shopping only to then have to delve into a dreaded new textbook.

This year is no different. Ok, that's a lie. It's a bit different because I'm too poor to buy myself and new clothes (and let's be honest here, I have waaay too many as it is), and I'm not enrolled in any kind of school. This Fall however, to keep on track, which is sometimes difficult to do as a freelancer, I will be enrolling myself in the school of E. That's right folks. But instead of studying Physics, Communication, and dissecting cute little animals in Biology, I will be studying scripts, burlesque, and cocktail making.

It's 2pm on a Sunday afternoon and I already have a bunch of index cards made. Go me. And now I need to go get ready to work on a boat. . . .

Because having weird jobs is most definitely a prerequisite in the school of E.

Happy Fall Everyone. It's gonna be a good one. I can feel it in my bones :)

xx

Oh, and PS- Last night I finally got to see a kick ass film that I did a couple years ago. It's a comedy. And I'm FUNNY! Like seriously rolling on the floor funny. . . ok, you may have to be slightly under some kind of influence for it to be THAT funny, but we were laughing so hard that I thought I was going to crack a rib again. Ahhh, after a year of unnecessary drama it feels great to be focusing on myself again. :D

Trailer

I don't normally post my work on here (or anything with my face since this blog is semi-anonymous) but I'm really excited about this film that I'm shooting this Fall. We shot the trailer already for fundraising so if you or anyone you know is in a position to donate we would all be eternally grateful. This is the first film I've been really excited about in awhile.

Check out the trailer here.

All Smiles

Last. Night. Was. Incredible.

You know that amazing full body rush you get when you fall in love for the first time? That's the feeling I had after my burlesque show last night. It was the first piece that I choreographed and made my own costume for, so at first it was scary and thrilling. And then just thrilling. Afterwards I felt so elated, euphoric, heady, and high off of life. I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. I am so happy and thankful that I found this new venture in life and ridiculously excited for my future with it.


I've come a long way in the past six months. Life in NYC can be hard but with a great support system, drive, and passion you can do almost anything you set your mind to.

Happiness.

Grandma

For some reason my sheets smell like my Grandma's house tonight. Like my summers in Detroit. I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, she did that on purpose. To let me know she's still around. And to remind me of the fact that fairytale romances (like that of my Grandpa and her) still exist.

Thanks Grandma S. I wish I could still talk to you.

"Bad Liver And A Broken Heart"

Well I got a bad liver and broken heart, yeah,
I drunk me a river since you tore me apart
And I don't have a drinking problem, 'cept when I can't get a drink
And I wish you'd a-known her (him) , we were quite a pair,
She (He) was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer
So welcome to the continuing saga, she (he) was my better half, and I was just a dog

And so here am I slumped, I've been chipped and I've been chumped on my stool

So buy this fool some spirits and libations, it's these railroad station bars
And all these conductors and porters, and I'm all out of quarters
And this epitaph is the aftermath, yeah I choose my path, hey, come on

He's a lawyer, he ain't the one for ya
No, the moon ain't romantic, it's intimidating as hell,
And some guy's trying to sell me a watch
And so I'll meet you at the bottom of a bottle of bargain Scotch
I got me a bottle and a dream, it's so maudlin it seems,
You can name your poison, go on ahead and make some noise
I ain't sentimental, this ain't a purchase, it's a rental, and it's purgatory,
And hey, what's your story, well I don't even care
'Cause I got my own double-cross to bear

And I'll see your Red Label, and I'll raise you one more,

And you can pour me a cab, I just can't drink no more,
'Cause it don't douse the flames that are started by dames,
It ain't like asbestos
It don't do nothing but rest us assured,
And substantiate the rumors that you've heard

- TOM WAITS