Stuck

I'm going through a major quarter life crisis right now. Quarter life crisis doesn't even begin to explain it. What in God's name am I doing with my life? Do I seriously think that I am going to be in the .01% that makes it in the acting world? I have gotten so close SO many times but keep falling back down to the ground. This is insane. Am I really going to be miserable for the rest of my life, sulking on the sofa when I don't have auditions or any kind or work, just wondering how the hell I'm going to pay my bills? I'm tired of sulking and I'm tired of hopelessly longing for it. I am at my wits end. Actually, no. I am past my wits end. I literally told a doctor the other day that I wondered if I should check into a mental hospital and she said that they would never take me. Mental hospitals don't even want me!!!!

I need to get out of here. I just don't know where "here" is. I'm being delusional if I think LA is going to be any better. But I know I have to try. I just have to get out of this unhealthy frame of mind I've been in for the past few months. I have wasted so much time on my couch in front of the TV. I just don't know how to get out of this stupid quarter life crisis funk.

I know, whah whah, my life is so hard. I get it. I know that I have it good. So why can't I just be happy? Is it that freakin hard? I know it's annoying that I'm just bitching about my life when so many people have it worse than me. I'm just stuck right now. Really stuck. Googling the meaning of life isn't helping and neither are those career quizzes that are all over the internet. I don't know anyone personally who has made it in my industry that started out like me, and the last therapist I saw fell asleep while I was talking to him. I'm on my own here. No one can help me get unstuck except for myself.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am writing this from the BF's grandmother's house in MD where I have found myself twiddling my thumbs for the past couple days. Normally I love the quiet solitude of the country, but for some reason I am finding myself restless this time. Probably because so much of my life is about to change and I'm eager to get started on it.

We have come to the day where everyone is supposed to go around their table and say what they are thankful for. I am thankful for so much. I have a wonderful life and am surrounded by great people. I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head and good food to eat, especially when so many people in the world do not. But . . . I'm feeling restless. There is a turmoil in my soul that I have been trying to quiet but it keeps getting louder. Maybe that's why I'm eager to get back to nyc. The outside turmoil on the streets matches that of my soul. I need to get started on the next phase of my life. 2010 (can you believe it's already almost 2010???) is going to be a good era. I need to focus more, concentrate on living my life to the fullest.

That being said, this year I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I love so many people in my life and am so grateful to have all of you. Now go eat some good food and reflect on all the things you're thankful for. There are so many.

30 ROCK(S)!

I broke bread with the cast of 30 Rock yesterday. I don't think I've ever been star struck, but this came pretty close. When I first saw members of the cast I didn't even think twice because I see them every Thursday night in my living room and feel like we're good friends. Of course, they have no clue who I am nor do they probably care, but it was a comforting feeling.

Jane Krowkowski said my name. Lutz and I joked about a dried fish on the table. Kenneth told me he was going to throw his pumpkin pie on the floor so I couldn't have any and I told him he was cruel. And the best moment of all . . . I was standing behind Tina Fey in line for Thanksgiving Turkey and turkey grease was accidentally splashed on her hand. She looked at me and then licked her hand in true Tina fashion. Then I told her that she had some in her hair and she laughed and said, "conditioner." I seriously love her. She is so funny even in real life. But she's serious too in a way that let's you know that she is smart and knows what she is doing.

It's so important for females to have a role model in this industry and I don't think I really had one until Tina. She's an amazing writer, actress, comedian, and producer. I mean just look at everything she's done in the past 10 years. And she's a wife and a mother. She has worked hard to be where she is and she is truly an inspiration.

I know I sound slightly obsessed but I am just so happy to finally have someone to look up to in this industry. It gives me hope. And in this crazy world, sometimes hope is all you need.

My Love Letter to Tina Fey

Just got a call to do stand in work tomorrow on 30 Rock for Jane Krokowski and the other blonde. I usually tend to shy around any kind of extra or stand in work because it just depresses me but I said yes without hesitation to this because I think 30 Rock may just be the best thing since sliced bread. And I love Kenneth. And as a stand in, sometimes you get to say the characters lines during rehearsal. Don't get me wrong, no one can play Jenna Maroney better than Jane Krokowski, but I'm not above dreaming of brilliantly saying a line like no other actor ever has and them saying, "Oh my goodness, we have to create a contract role for her! She's incredible! We should bow to her and her amazingness! Tina! Tina, get over here and write her in the show!"

Hey, a girl's gotta dream. But in all seriousness I will just be honored to be on a set of a show that Tina Fey created. She's kinda an idol to me. A far away mentor if you will. I don't think there is another single show on TV that I feel that way about. I LOVE YOU TINA! I LOOOOVE YOU!!!!

Maybe I should keep that last part to myself.

Too Tired

PS: I was totally on TV the other day being interviewed and while I was waiting for it to begin I FELL ASLEEP.

Yeah, I missed it. I think this is a sign that I need to calm down a bit and take it easy. Either that, or it was really bad and it's a good thing I didn't see it.

The Other Woman

My Mom just sent me an email wondering where in the world I was because I haven't been blogging :) I'm fine, just getting over a stomach virus. I sure hope I get my appetite back before Thanksgiving because I plan on eating copious amounts of pumpkin pie. In the meantime, I will leave you with a photo project that I participated in: Sandra Rodriguez MyArtSpace

I make such a good woman's other woman. ;)

Coffee Costs 99 Cents

I just saw a casting that offered "coffee" as payment. People aren't even paying with real food anymore. Ayiyiy. My photoshoot yesterday went great. I can't wait to see the pictures. Ok, not much more going on here today. I have an audition later today for a webseries about flirting with guys. I'm pretty sure this one'll be simple ;)

Now is the Winter of Our Discontent

(Ok, I know it's not winter quite yet but just go with it.)

To say I've been confused about life lately is an understatement. I've been saying for awhile that some sort of change is happening but I guess that change is coming from within me, not necessarily outside forces. I think part of my recent discontent is that though I've done dozens of indie films, I have yet to see a completed one that I proud of my performance in. I am never satisfied with my work when I see it onscreen. There is always something more I could have done or something I shouldn't have done at all. I guess it's like that with any artist though . . . your work never seems to be complete.

I also think that I need to find a hobby. Because constantly obsessing over my next gig is driving me crazy. So . . . rock climbing? Sky diving? Adopting a billion kittens in my tiny apartment? I need something . . .

And on that note, I have to go get ready for a photoshoot. Should be fun. I play a lesbian flirting with another girl in a bar. I'm actually friends with the girl I'll be flirting with so I'm sure good times and hilarity will ensue. And with that, I will leave you with a little tidbit of a conversation between me and my friend, N at MHDJ on Friday:

ME: I just love when people insult my intelligence. News Flash: I'm actually pretty smart.

N: It's because you are an actress and in the old days they were dumb prostitutes.

And scene.

I Talk Too Much

I had an interview for the JacBoxer show today at New York's Public Access Station. Not knowing what to prepare for, I went in with an open mind. He asked me questions about being an actress, actors I look up to, early childhood experiences, and even sports. (Why does everyone ask me about sports whenever I'm interviewed??? Is it just so they can make fun of my teams? Redskins/Orioles.) Another common topic in recent interviews has been my love life: What do I look for in a man, what relationship am I in now, and have I ever had a French boyfriend (how the hell did they know to ask that?!?!)

Anyway, those of you who know me personally know that I have this mouth. I talk and talk and talk. And most of the time I'm talking when I shouldn't. When I'm nervous, my natural reaction isn't to shut up like most people, it's to spurt out word vomit. I even had a monologue in high school titled, "I talk too much." So, for the second time in two weeks, I have no idea what I said in another interview. The magic is all in the editing, so let's hope they edit together the less embarrassing points.

On a totally separate note- I have the cutest cats in the entire world. Jimmy is curled up with me right now purring like a madman. I don't know what I'm going to do without them in LA. After all, no matter what else happens, they don't care how much I talk.

I Need a Steak

(I forced the BF and a couple friends to carve pumpkins with me before Halloween)

I was talking to a friend this weekend who was up from Baltimore and she mentioned how she would love to move to New York but not until she could afford the lifestyle she wanted. That got me thinking. When I first moved here, I loved being the starving actress. The brooding misunderstood artist. The one throwing caution to the wind for a dream that I would make come true. I didn’t care that I had no retirement plan or that I was eating Ramin noodles or cereal every night for dinner, (although that changed once the BF moved up because he keeps me well fed). I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world because I knew what I wanted and was going after that.

I still feel lucky, but I am getting over this whole poor thing. In truth, it’s becoming quite a drag. It’s getting old having to make up excuses as to why I can’t go out with my better off friends in order to avoid having that awkward money conversation (Remember that episode of “Friends” where money -or lack there of in Joey and Phoebe’s case- almost broke up their friendship? Yeah, not gonna let that happen). I want to go out for a good steak now and then, but with the downfall of the economy and sheer lack of acting gigs, that hasn’t happened in a long while. Of course, a lot of this could be avoided by moving back to Brooklyn or Queens, but I quite like my village apartment. . . I just wish it didn’t have a leaky ceiling and mold problem.

Anyway, I’m not quite sure what my point is here. Just that somethings got to give. I’m getting too old to still be giving home-made presents at Christmas time or to be squeezing under the subway turnstiles when no ones looking. I find that the people who love New York the most are the ones who have money to enjoy it. So, I’m sending it out into the universe- I’m ready for something big. Let’s do this thing. It’s time to get the ball rolling. I just can't make steak the way restaurants do.