In a rare disregard for the anonymity of this blog, I am actually posting a real pic of me. This is me paying to see my own movie. Priceless.
Sometimes I find myself making strenuous faces and muttering under my breath. And then when I realize what I’m doing, I wonder if crazy people and I are on the same wavelength. This happens frequently to me because I constantly let my mind wander and find myself (in my mind) in deeply unsettling situations. Sometimes, I even find my eyes brimming with tears or seething with anger, just at the idea of something that’s not really happening. Then something will distract me and I quickly snap out of it. I’ve been doing this since I was a child, and I used to think that something must be wrong with me in that I could feel so deeply for situations that were all in my head. Now, I believe that it is that same very thing inside of me that makes me an actress. And if only I could tap into it more when I’m on camera or stage, then maybe, just maybe one day I could be a brilliant actress.
So, last night was another infamous trip to Jersey to see my film premier and it did not disappoint. True to our “getting lost in Jersey” style, Carpe (one of the other actresses from the film) and I met up at port authority and managed to wander in circles for over 20 minutes and miss the first bus. Luckily, when we eventually rushed onto the correct bus, everyone on board helped us get to where we needed to go. One lady even got off a stop early to walk us to the movie theatre herself. I love nice people!
Then came the movie. . . . I really don’t like watching myself onscreen. I pick apart every little piece of my performance and wonder why I didn’t do this or that. I used to think celebrities were just being snide when they said they hated going to their own premiers but I understand why. This is the third movie I’ve seen myself in on the big screen and it never gets any easier. I guess like any artist, I feel my work is never done. Like a little girl, every time my character said something, I snickered with laughter.
I have a lot to do with my film career. Part of me feels that I should throw all the acting training I’ve had out the window. Well, most of it anyway. The only way to get better is to keep doing it and sometimes all those methods that we learned in classes just jumble everything up. I need to wipe the slate clean and just feel. And try to tap into that part of me that gets emotional at the mere thought of something. Maybe there is a closer connection to psychosis and acting then we ever thought . . .
So, last night was another infamous trip to Jersey to see my film premier and it did not disappoint. True to our “getting lost in Jersey” style, Carpe (one of the other actresses from the film) and I met up at port authority and managed to wander in circles for over 20 minutes and miss the first bus. Luckily, when we eventually rushed onto the correct bus, everyone on board helped us get to where we needed to go. One lady even got off a stop early to walk us to the movie theatre herself. I love nice people!
Then came the movie. . . . I really don’t like watching myself onscreen. I pick apart every little piece of my performance and wonder why I didn’t do this or that. I used to think celebrities were just being snide when they said they hated going to their own premiers but I understand why. This is the third movie I’ve seen myself in on the big screen and it never gets any easier. I guess like any artist, I feel my work is never done. Like a little girl, every time my character said something, I snickered with laughter.
I have a lot to do with my film career. Part of me feels that I should throw all the acting training I’ve had out the window. Well, most of it anyway. The only way to get better is to keep doing it and sometimes all those methods that we learned in classes just jumble everything up. I need to wipe the slate clean and just feel. And try to tap into that part of me that gets emotional at the mere thought of something. Maybe there is a closer connection to psychosis and acting then we ever thought . . .
Every artist is supercritical of their performances. It's the nature of the beast. When I listen to myself playing with the band, I cringe every time I hear a not-perfect note. I know what was in my head, but the audience doesn't. You have to remember that their perspective is just as important. Yes, you make the art for yourself, but you also make it for the enjoyment of others.
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