Onward and Forward

I'm getting ready to head over to Times Square for the last performance of the play I'm currently in. Though I'm glad I'll have some more free time and I'll get to enjoy what little bit of the summer is left, I am sad it's over. I'll miss my cast, I'll miss getting ready in the dressing room every night filled with anticipation, and I'll miss pouring my heart out onstage. I love theatre and didn't realize how much I had missed it before.

But onward and forward. I wasn't quite sure what would be in store for me when the play was over, but I already have a short film lined up for next weekend, and then the following weekend I'll be producing and acting in a film that I wrote. At some point, I'd like to just forget about New York and my acting obsession for a few days and relax. I will make that beach vacation happen. I am in desperate need of a recharge.

On that note, I'm off to the theatre. Wish me many legs broken for my final night!

Palm Reading

I got my palm read last night. I was told that I am too giving and I put others before me too often which is a major source of anxiety. Ok, I guess I can buy that. But then she told me I should be in the health profession. Way off base. I get nauseas at the sight of a drop of blood. She then said that I would meet my soulmate in a year. The BF wasn’t too pleased with that one.

Maybe I should start up a fortune telling business in my apartment.

Gentle Breeze

I'm currently sitting on my fire- escape (the worst excuse of a balcony you've ever seen, but I adore it), typing away on my laptop and enjoying a calm summer breeze. That's the nice thing about living in a four story walk-up (besides developing calf muscles), you can actually feel a gentle breeze. It's been storming for the past two days but in between thunder, lightening, and rain, the sun dries everything out nicely leaving a calm atmosphere. This is the cleanest I've probably ever seen NYC.

So, I just finished my crabbing script and mailed it off to the Director. Since he blindly accepted this project based on his faith in me, I'm a little worried he'll turn me down after reading it, but I think he'll like it. It will be pretty funny if it's done right.

My Facebook account is still down. I've sent them two emails and haven't heard back. Don't they know I have important people to stalk? Don't they realize I have photos to post? Don't they understand that I don't know who I am without Facebook?!?!?! Ok, ok, a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously man. This is the first evening I've had off in ages and I wanted to mindlessly surf my favorite social networking site while sipping mojitos.

Speaking of mojito's, I must squeeze myself back through my window and into my apartment to whip one up. What's the rule on drinking before dinner? Oh, who cares. A late afternoon mac and cheese snack should count anyway.

Enjoy the breeze.

Life

I have an anxiety problem. Is it normal to feel your heart beat increase each time you log into your email? Or feel like something is dreadfully wrong in the world because your facebook account is down? No, I’m pretty sure that isn’t “normal” but I think it’s a common problem in my generation. I used to prefer email to the telephone, but lately I’ve been wishing people would just call. Email can get confusing and muddled. That’s not to say that I don’t love email intensely. . . I think I just need an assistant. Or an intern. Or, (here’s a concept) an AGENT. People say that it will happen when you least expect it (finding the right agent is a lot like dating) but I could really use some help here. (God, ANOTHER line from my play) Lately I’ve been so fixated on the business of acting that my acting itself has been suffering.

Anywoo, it’s Monday and I’m already wishing it was the end of the week because of MHDJ. The BF actually suggested we go to the courthouse to get married so I could get on his health insurance plan and leave my job. Not the most romantic proposal I’ve had (oh you wish you knew), but I did find myself considering it for a few days. Then I decided that I’d rather have a real wedding and a real proposal when we’re both ready for it. Although the insurance is rather tempting . . .

When I was in Boston for the day on Friday, my Mom made a comment about this blog being too “risqué.” It was quite a funny conversation and even funnier when my Mom said, “But your younger brother assured me that it’s not all true.” Lol, thanks Kev for trying to cover for me. However, I assure you that all my blog posts are true. If anything, I leave out too much in fear of offending someone or in maintaining the privacy of others.

On that note, I should get back to MHDJ so I don’t get fired and end up in a courthouse. Peace out.

Addendum: I was just looking up a link for the NYC courthouse and found this:

Are cousin marriages legal?
Yes, cousin marriages are allowed.
Are same sex marriages legal?
No, same-sex marriages are not allowed.

Seriously? I mean, I know same-sex marriages aren’t legalized yet in NYC, but they would rather you marry your cousin???? That’s just not right.

Paid Auditions

Every time I go to a paid "seminar" (which is really me paying for an audition, however "paid auditions" are illegal so they are called seminars), I swear I will never do it again. Today was no exception. Most of the people that go are agents and casting directors who are just doing it to make a little cash. Us actors go in hopes that one day they will remember us and cast us in something. Oh what dreamers we all are.

Today, I forked over my $200 and auditioned in front of 10 casting directors all at once. Did I get my money's worth? Doubtful. They were supposed to ask me questions afterward but I didn't hear a peep. Except of course for some constructive criticism of my monologue. Don't get me wrong- I appreciated the comment. It was useful and I will probably incorporate what the commenter said into my next audition. But the problem is that she mentioned this in front of all the other casting directors and then didn't let me do it again. For $200 I would have thought I would be able to take her comment and do my monologue again to show that I can follow direction.

Really, I don't know what I was thinking. There are so few jobs to be cast out there right now that these people are probably not even thinking of hiring anyone they saw. I just goes to show how desperate everyone is these days. Desperate for work, desperate for money, desperate just to act.

On another note, I'm really enjoying the play I've been doing. The content is a bit depressing, but I love going into a dressing room every few nights to prepare and then performing onstage with great actors. I only have another week of performances and I have to say I'll be a bit sad when it ends.

Alright, I need to go nurse my beer, fix my knee which I just scraped on the subway stairs, and pay attention to the parents who are in town for the day. I was in Boston yesterday to visit my brand new baby nephew and went to the Harpoon Brewery with my Dad (a great father-daughter activity). Their UFO white is quite delicious. Ahhhh, it makes even the worst audition seem just a bit better.

Mokumentaries, Vacation Plans, and Film. . .oh my!

I’m definitely going on vacation in August. The first part of my “vacation” will actually be me attempting to film a mokumentary that I am working on writing at the moment. What will said mokumentary be about? Crabbing of course, which is my favorite pastime, only second to acting. Only then, will my real vacation begin. Which will include me sitting on a beach, attempting to swim in the ocean, and reading good books while sipping on cold beer. I have decided to put all major life decisions on hold until I am back from vacation. Because right now I am so wound up with stress that there is no telling what I might do and regret later.

On another note, I had the opportunity to shoot with real film the other day. Most everyone uses digital now, but there is a class at NYU that teaches the ins and outs of film so it does not become a lost art form, and I acted in one of the student’s films. It was incredible. The camera that we used was probably older than me (if I was uh 20 maybe), and the noise the camera made when filming made me feel like I was in a film with Clark Gable. Except I was the only actor and it was a scene of me throwing up in a toilet, so not quite as romantic, but you get the idea. Hey, at least it was in black and white.

Alright, I must get back to MHDJ (My Horrible Day Job) and try to resist the urge to quit until I get a chance to clear my mind at the beach. Which isn’t for another three weeks.

Oh my.

Thank you Oprah

And someone else at work just asked me for my headshot and resume to pass onto his friend who is doing a night of Shakespeare in the city! I'm putting my wants into the universe and it's working! Thanks Oprah!

Schizo

Last night I was crying in a bar about how hard it is to be an actress (I know, wah waah) and today I am walking around thinking how much I love my life. Such are the ups and downs in the acting world.

Today I'm going to work, then filming a short where I play a drunken schizophrenic woman, and then performing in my play where I am a victim of molestation. This is going to be an emotionally exhausting day and I’m so excited! I was also just asked to be in a horror short by someone at my horrible job. Silver lining!

I can’t wait to be schizo! Woohoo!

Living in Me

Yesterday, I was a flapper girl from the 20's, a hippie from the 60's, and a diner waitress from the 50's. Not an acting gig actually- just a casting for a costume catalogue. Which may just be the best job ever. I doubt I'll get it because there were about a million girls there, but it was fun to try stuff on and reminded me of how my sister and I used to play dress up when we were kids. "So much has changed since then . . . but nothing has changed at all."

That's totally a line from my play and I didn't even realize it until after I typed it. I am so easily influenced by the characters that I play. It's kinda scary that I can lose myself so easily, but I guess that's what makes me a good actress. Like the time last month, when I filmed a short film where I played a total bitch and then came home and was an ass to the BF and had no idea why. Or after playing an MI-6 agent for a week, I found myself walking down the streets of NYC thinking to strangers, "Don't even think about giving me that look cause I can take you down!"

My character in my current show is a basket case who finally comes to terms with being molested when she was a child. It's some depressing shit. It's awesome to play and a tad bit emotionally draining. Though I love my part, I think I'll be in a much lighter mood in my "real" life when the show is over, simply because she won't be living in me any more. The lines of what I consider my real life have been blurred lately, however so who knows.

I can't think of anything else to say right now because my entire brain in focused on characters from the books I'm reading. I'm seriously a bit peeved that vampires and weres don't actaully exists. Life would be so much more interesting.

Working Week

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Writing that reminds me of when I'd forget to write in my diary as a girl and apologize to it. As if it had feelings too. This week has been a busy one. Tuesday was Opening Night for my play and I was actually surprised that it ran so smoothly. Opening nights can sometimes feel like dress rehearsals but we had a pretty full audience and everyone's performances were spot on. It's still a bit too long in my opinion, but such is life.

In other news, I'm an Aunt for the first time! My older brother and his wife had a beautiful baby boy yesterday and I am so excited to meet him! I don't know when that will be but I'm going to try to take off a day and grab the bus up to Boston to meet the little guy.

If it sounds like I'm low on energy, it's because my job is draining me. I wonder how long it will take me to stop complaining and actually do something to fix it, but at this moment in the economy I just can't afford to quit. Especially since I live in the pricey East Village.

Funnily enough today at work, someone that I had auditioned for a few months ago came in for a meeting. He remembered me (though I had to ask him who he was because I'm not the best with faces) and after searching my memory of auditions, I realized it was a hilarious one because it was back when I was taking ambien and I was a bit "high" off of it during the audition. I didn't get the part, lol. But hey, at least he remembered me!

Alright, J.K. Rowling is making me a wee bit weepy (just finished watching "J.K Rowling: A Year in a Life"- very inspirational), and I'm sweating since it's the middle of summer in NYC and I still don't have an air conditioner, so I'm off to relax in front of a good book. (I'm currently obsessed with the Sookie Stackhouse series and seriously wish vampires and werewolves actually existed.)

I'll try not to be as lame with the entries next week. In the meantime, I'll be dreaming about Supernatural Creatures and wishing my boyfriend was a werewolf. Peace out.

Did America Ferrera Ever Go Through This?

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO? The thought is running through my head over and over again. My audition for Ugly Betty started out smoothly. Then the casting Director asked me to do it in a Queens accent. My first line was fine. The second one was ok until I said the last word “class.”

CD: No it’s Claass, not ClAs.
ME: Claaaaaass
CD: No, Claass
ME: ClAs
CD: No, repeat after me: Claass
ME: Claaaaaass
CD: No! Say “air”
ME: Air
CD: Now say Clais, without the r in air
ME: ClAAAAAs
CD: (shaking his head) No, that’s not it
ME: Claaaas
CD: It’s in the back of your throat, Clais
ME: Clais
CD: Good! Now say the line again

I say the line and immediately look back to the CD afterwards

CD: This time don’t look at me- stay in the scene

This is acting 101 people, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I say the line again.

CD: Claiss
ME: Claaaaass
CD: Claiss
ME: Claaaas
CD: Claiss
ME: I say the line with Claiss
CD: Good, that’s it!

I thank him while laughing and leave the audition room. If only it had ended there.

I went down the elevator, across the parking lot, and began waiting for the shuttle to take me back to the subway. While waiting on a bench, I began talking to another actor. A man who was 65 and has been trying to make it since he was 24. He still does extra work. He doesn’t even have an agent. I began mentally freaking out. I always believed that if you just tried and stuck with it then you would make it, but here was clear evidence right in front of me that this was not the case. We got into the shuttle and I began repeating the line that I was having trouble with and laughed to the man about how now I could actually do it but when I was in there how horrible I was. I joked about how I should go back up there. Then it happened.
Before I knew what was happening, the joke turned into a serious idea and I opened the shuttle door and sprinted across the parking lot, into the elevator and up to the casting floor. I ran into the C.A’s office and exclaimed, “I can do it! I can say class!”

I went back.

Why, oh why, did I go back?

The C.A’s smile faltered and I said, “I’m sorry, I know I’m weird, I was just like, oh I have to show her that I can do it now!” She replied awkwardly, “its okay.” Then she asked me to leave her office and sit in the waiting room. Then she came out a minute later and said, I’m sorry, we just don’t have the time to see you again. We’re really busy.

Oh My God. What the hell did I just do? When sprinting across the parking lot, never in my imagination had it crossed my mind that they might not let me read again. Why hadn’t I thought this through? In my mind I was going to be given a huge pat on the back and assurances that the role was mine. . . boy am I delusional. The fact that the CD had worked with me for so long before was probably a good thing now that I think about it, but now that I went back up I am pretty sure I’m kuput. Rule #1 to actors: DO NOT SCARE THE CASTING DIRECTORS! Do not act psycho. And don’t listen to the encouragement of 65 year old men who still haven’t made it. Bless his poor little heart.

I am now the answer to the question that Casting Directors always get in seminars: What not to do as an actor? Don’t pull an E!

This could go one of two ways. They could either remember me in a good way as someone eager to work at any role or they could remember me as the desperate psycho and never let me work for ABC again. OMG. FML. I gotta run to rehearsal now. At least I’ll be able to do my scenes of despair well.

Crushed

My audition was HORRIBLE. I can't even write about it. All I want is to burst into sobs and chug a bottle of wine, but I can't because I have to work my part time job and then go to a tech rehearsal for my show until midnight. I'm crushed.

Should I stay or should I go now?

Ok, so I’m in a weird place right now. Stuck between what is comfortable and what could be. I am being incredibly micro-managed at my part time job which is annoying and stressful. Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay, will I remain in a stagnant place forever? If I go, will I open up doors or will I not be able to afford rent?

. . . wow . . . I just googled the lyrics to that song because I can’t remember the title and I came across a random person’s blog who is in deep despair. This is what I just read:

I am at a loss. A complete loss. It has been one year. One year to the day that he left me at his sister's house in that shithole Texas town, and I'm lost. Maybe the road is my home. Did I not try hard enough? Maybe too hard. I just don't know. Running around this town, from bar to bar, boy to boy, desperate for the feeling I used to get from the wind in my hair. I lost my job. Again. I want to stay. Prove to myself that I can stay in one place. If I can stay in one place, maybe someday I'll be able to stay with one person. If I can stay in one place, maybe I'll have a shot at love. If I continue to stay in one place, maybe I'll wither away into nothing. A black spot on the sidewalk, a crumpled mess of second hand designer jeans. Maybe its time. Time for what, I don't know. Do I stay or do I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay there will be double.

I can't even get a job cocktailing at the strip club. This is a nightmare. This is not the way this or anything else was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be just another pretty face. Not me, not the powerful passionate presence I used to be. I feel like that day one year ago broke me. It took that last bit of flesh surrounding my heart and turned it to stone. I can't feel anything anymore. Not love, not pain. Just a dull throb in my chest that refuses to cease despite all my efforts to make it stop.

Where do I go now? How many more chances at happiness am I allowed to blow? Uggh. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. The sound of a hammer against my veins.

Wowzers! I don’t know if it’s even legal for me to post this, but this is what I want in life! (Not to feel crushed and lost), but to tell people’s stories! I don’t know who this woman is (though she is a brilliant writer), but I want people to feel her pain, her hope, and her passion. I want to be her in a movie. I want her story to be heard. It’s amazing how love can break us into so many pieces. I’m sure lots of people can sympathize with this girl and I want them to hear her story so they know they’re not alone.

Well, I’m off to prepare for an audition. I’m not going to say what it is yet because I don’t want to jinx myself but send wishes of leg breaking my way!

Namaste

I feel an energy in me that I at first mistook for anxiety. But it's warmer than that. Something brewing in my chest that wants to come out. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's part excitement and part peace. Peace for who I am at this point of life. Excitement for who I may become. And a little worry that I may not become it. I push aside the worry and try to focus on the comfort of this feeling. During a meeting I planned at work today, a co-worker came up to me and said, “You’ve never looked more beautiful. You have a peace that is radiating off of you.” I am amazed at this sudden onset of tranquility and soaking it in for all it’s worth. I think my body is rebelling against all the stress I’ve had lately and saying, ‘Hey E, life isn’t worth worrying about so much. Take a breather.” So I’m listening.

On my walk home from work today, I was waiting at a cross walk and a random girl said to me, “This is perfect New York weather. Soak it in. Don’t rush it.” I smiled and replied, “Yes, it is perfect, isn’t it?” I basked for a moment in the warmth and gentle wind. Then I saw a break in the traffic and immediately darted through before I could even think about what I was doing. The stranger had reminded me that I need to take time to enjoy the smaller things in life. I need to stop the animalistic need to be the fastest and strongest. It’s time to meditate in the sun on one’s face, the kind words of a friend, the smell of good food.

I looked in the mirror later and thought, “I do look beautiful.” In a more peaceful and confident way than ever before. Of course, that could just be the reflection of the pink and yellow summer dress I was wearing and the Jergens Natural Glow I started using the other day, but I prefer to believe it was something else. I am developing into a more graceful creature. I’ll never truly be the embodiment of grace because I am a klutz by nature (and just yesterday I literally threw myself on the floor at rehearsal and whined that I hated my day job- not exactly graceful) but I see glimpses of it in me.

My co-worker and I also discussed his travels to Asia and the peace Buddhism had brought to him. He was trying to live in the moment, just like me. I have to accept that there is no formula to making it as an actress. I will never know exactly what or when my next project will be. And instead of stressing about my future as usual, I am going to try a new approach. I’m going to put myself into the universe as much as I can and then I’m handing over the reigns to fate. I am going to try to live in the moment and believe in the light within me. There is no sense in worrying about things you cannot control. Besides, it creates wrinkles, and in my career choice I need to prevent as many of those as possible.

It’s time to breathe. Namaste.

What Ifs

I haven’t been this tired in ages. I go through spurts of raging workaholic-ness and laziness. Guess which one I am on now? I wish I could just enjoy the summer like a normal person, but I’m too consumed with “what ifs.” What IF I get an agent to come see my play and they want to sign me? What IF this short low budget film gets some kind of positive attention? What IF this class with a casting director leads to more opportunities? These consistent “what ifs” are the reason I haven’t been on vacation in over a year. They’re the reason that everyone else has left for a long weekend and I’m still plugging away at work. What ifs have been consuming my life for too long now. I need to start living.

Which is why in August I’m going to the beach for at least a week. There, I put it in writing so now I have to go. Of course I’m already writing a short script to film while I’m there, but that will only take a couple days.

I get out of rehearsal tonight at 11pm and then I have Friday and Saturday off so I am ecstatic. Maybe I’ll go to Coney Island. I mean, that’s kind of a beach, right? Even if you can’t go in the water because it’s toxic. More than anything, this weekend I’m going to sleep. Ahhh . . . sweet sleep sounds so wonderful to me right now.

Yes, what ifs can certainly keep you on track, but they can burn you out just as quickly. And so can having two kittens that wake you up every morning at 5am. I’m just saying . . .

Keep Making Me Better

I felt the anger gurgling in the pit of my stomach and then bubbling up until I couldn’t contain it. I’m at the part time job and just had a very unfriendly encounter with a co-worker (who is totally like Perpetua from Bridget Jones Diary). Suffice it to say, that an event I was planning was not to her liking and though she has nothing to do with said event, felt the need to yell at me and tell me that I need to change the entire thing. I took a deep breath, while ragging inside at her inappropriateness.

ME: “I can’t change an entire event that is already planned because of one person’s opinion.”
SB (Snarky Biotch): “It’s more than one. It’s like 5 or 6.”
ME: “Ok, then give me their names and I’ll address them personally.”
SB: “Umm. . . . no, I don’t . . . it’s not. . . . whatever. This is just not ok.”

And what do you ask was this argument over? The catering I ordered for an office breakfast. Apparently French toast is unacceptable. Why does it matter?!?!

I’m not used to having these emotions. The angriest I typically get is when someone walks into me on the street and that happens so often that I’m pretty used to it by now. So, though I am still shaking a bit with anger, this emotion is a bit intriguing. This whole physical reaction that makes me want to pull my lips back in a snarl and pounce astounds me. It's like a wave of something almost palpable that goes as fast as it comes.

And it completely just left me because someone walked by and gave me a free bottle of Kiehl's sunscreen. Some people rock. The others just get put away in a little trunk in my brain that I save for acting. So bring it on SB. You're only making me better.