What Ifs

I haven’t been this tired in ages. I go through spurts of raging workaholic-ness and laziness. Guess which one I am on now? I wish I could just enjoy the summer like a normal person, but I’m too consumed with “what ifs.” What IF I get an agent to come see my play and they want to sign me? What IF this short low budget film gets some kind of positive attention? What IF this class with a casting director leads to more opportunities? These consistent “what ifs” are the reason I haven’t been on vacation in over a year. They’re the reason that everyone else has left for a long weekend and I’m still plugging away at work. What ifs have been consuming my life for too long now. I need to start living.

Which is why in August I’m going to the beach for at least a week. There, I put it in writing so now I have to go. Of course I’m already writing a short script to film while I’m there, but that will only take a couple days.

I get out of rehearsal tonight at 11pm and then I have Friday and Saturday off so I am ecstatic. Maybe I’ll go to Coney Island. I mean, that’s kind of a beach, right? Even if you can’t go in the water because it’s toxic. More than anything, this weekend I’m going to sleep. Ahhh . . . sweet sleep sounds so wonderful to me right now.

Yes, what ifs can certainly keep you on track, but they can burn you out just as quickly. And so can having two kittens that wake you up every morning at 5am. I’m just saying . . .