Namaste

I feel an energy in me that I at first mistook for anxiety. But it's warmer than that. Something brewing in my chest that wants to come out. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's part excitement and part peace. Peace for who I am at this point of life. Excitement for who I may become. And a little worry that I may not become it. I push aside the worry and try to focus on the comfort of this feeling. During a meeting I planned at work today, a co-worker came up to me and said, “You’ve never looked more beautiful. You have a peace that is radiating off of you.” I am amazed at this sudden onset of tranquility and soaking it in for all it’s worth. I think my body is rebelling against all the stress I’ve had lately and saying, ‘Hey E, life isn’t worth worrying about so much. Take a breather.” So I’m listening.

On my walk home from work today, I was waiting at a cross walk and a random girl said to me, “This is perfect New York weather. Soak it in. Don’t rush it.” I smiled and replied, “Yes, it is perfect, isn’t it?” I basked for a moment in the warmth and gentle wind. Then I saw a break in the traffic and immediately darted through before I could even think about what I was doing. The stranger had reminded me that I need to take time to enjoy the smaller things in life. I need to stop the animalistic need to be the fastest and strongest. It’s time to meditate in the sun on one’s face, the kind words of a friend, the smell of good food.

I looked in the mirror later and thought, “I do look beautiful.” In a more peaceful and confident way than ever before. Of course, that could just be the reflection of the pink and yellow summer dress I was wearing and the Jergens Natural Glow I started using the other day, but I prefer to believe it was something else. I am developing into a more graceful creature. I’ll never truly be the embodiment of grace because I am a klutz by nature (and just yesterday I literally threw myself on the floor at rehearsal and whined that I hated my day job- not exactly graceful) but I see glimpses of it in me.

My co-worker and I also discussed his travels to Asia and the peace Buddhism had brought to him. He was trying to live in the moment, just like me. I have to accept that there is no formula to making it as an actress. I will never know exactly what or when my next project will be. And instead of stressing about my future as usual, I am going to try a new approach. I’m going to put myself into the universe as much as I can and then I’m handing over the reigns to fate. I am going to try to live in the moment and believe in the light within me. There is no sense in worrying about things you cannot control. Besides, it creates wrinkles, and in my career choice I need to prevent as many of those as possible.

It’s time to breathe. Namaste.