Muscle Porn?

Ready for bizarro event number two of the weekend? So, Saturday night I was booked to work at an afterparty for the New York Muscle show. I could use the extra money, so why not? It would be basic drink serving/catering stuff. I walk into a beautiful building and go up to the floor where the party is to take place and gasp in amazement. What is this place? Rooms upon rooms unfold with beautiful carpeting, gold décor, stunning mirrors, and plush velvet couches. It feels as if I stepped right into the house of a wealthy official in the Victorian ages.

I was quickly put to work, organizing a couple bars, setting out champagne, etc. when curiosity got the best of me. I asked the person in charge what the place was and he responded in a low voice:

Him: “Do you want the truth?”
Me: “Um, yeah. I like truth.”
Him: “They shoot soft core porn here.”
Me: “What?!”
Him: “Yeah these muscle guys are all into porn. Don’t tell anyone (oops) but their wives all pimp them out for porn.”
Me: “Wait, so the people coming to this party tonight . . . they’re all like porn stars?”
Him: “Pretty much.”

And my night began.

For the first half of the night I stayed in the kitchen area and made bff’s with the cook and helped him chop meat (because muscle porn stars clearly don’t eat anything except for meat). After that was done however, I could avoid the party no longer and I turned around from the kitchen area to scope everyone out. These muscles were unreal. And not in a good ‘wow he’s hot’ kinda way. More like ‘ewww, gross, don’t touch me’ way. Although I’m sure some people are into that kind of thing so I’m not here to judge. While I was busing tables in my tight black skirt and tight black low cut top, the pick up lines began. And I kid you not- every single one of them was, “Do you work out?”

No, no I do not work out. Especially not to your standards. I live in a four story walk up and speed walk so fast that a cop two weeks ago told me to slow down. As if he was going to give me a ticket for walking over the speed limit. By the end of the day, I am beat because the city is my gym. If I can muster enough energy up for yoga then I go bend myself into awkward positions and sweat like a cow for an hour, but I doubt you can relate to that. I don’t think your muscles are very elastic-y and I’m positive all of you are on steroids. So in answer to your question, no I do not work out, no I do not want to be in a porn with you, and though I’m sure you are quite nice I’m kinda pissed that you just ate half the meat platter that I spent an hour putting together so I am going to kindly extract myself from this situation. And scene.

But in all seriousness, these people were all really nice. I was informed that I was in the presence of muscle royalty, many of whom flew in from Paris, Brazil, Spain, and other exotic countries just for this Muscle event. It was hilarious overhearing their conversations about everyone- “naw, he can only bench 350,” “she definitely has ass cheek implants,” “Is there some new all natural drug that’s replacing steroids I can get on?” and then the best of all came from a guy from Paris who started speaking in French, “I’ll do a naked video again, but only if my buddy Jose can join me.”

Right. Muscle porn. This is my life. And I have to admit, I actually liked the weirdness of the whole night. It made things a bit more interesting. The other people I was working with were all awesome and combined with the eccentric strangeness of everything, I ended up having a lot of fun. And now I can say that I have met the muscle porn elite of the world. It doesn’t get much better than that ;)