The Essence of You

If you’re ever feeling down about yourself just ask a bunch of your friends what your “essence” is. I am attempting to start a marketing plan for myself and part of the process is to figure out what I exude when I first walk into a room. I sent emails out to several people and as usual, my friends and family were the ones to respond. What I received was quite different than what I thought I would get.

I suppose I see myself much differently than other people do. I thought I was an emotionally conflicted, anxiety ridden, dark and brooding girl with deep foreboding emotions. But apparently everyone thinks quite the opposite:

Energetic (this one was the most popular), Fun, Passionate (got a bunch of these), Bubbly (may have tied with passionate), Poised, Confident, Determined, Fun-loving, Bright-eyed (love that one), Insightful, Understanding, Free spirit (SO true), Kind soul, Most wonderful thing on the planet, HOT SEX (no the person who wrote this does not know me like that), Love, Compassion, Opened bottle of champagne, Enthusiasm, Excitement, Spirit, Vibrant, Effervescent, Vivacious, Vulnerable, Endearing

A very insightful one from NG: “An organic bubble of ceaseless yet carefully manipulated energy.”

And then the sweetest one of all from Tee: “You endear other people to you because your essence glows a welcoming, effervescent quality, which is simply contagious. Those around can't help but catch your bubbly enthusiasm for life. I feel more alive or "aware" of the beauty of life when I'm around you. You appreciate the small pleasures in everyday life, and you still get excited about everyday things. I love that about you.”


Wow. Way to boost up my ego a bit! But at the same time, I wonder why so few people see the dark side of me. I actually lost a role once because the director said I had too positive of an ambiance for the role of a dying girl. Not because of my acting, because of my ambiance. What is that? Why can’t these people see me when I’m writhing on the floor listening to R. Kelly and holding my heart because it’s broken for the millionth time? Or when the BF has to carry me out of the bathtub because I can’t breathe from crying so hard? How do I come off so differently?

I think it’s because I actually do have such a positive outlook on life that sometimes other people’s negativity overwhelms me to the point of breaking down. Every single one of those adjectives is correct. I have such high hopes for life, such passion, energy and determination that by the time I get home at the end of the day, sometimes I’m exhausted. And that’s when the negativity comes in. That’s when people’s past comments leak into my mind- “You’re never going to make it,” “You are going to fail,” “That wasn’t good enough,” “You’re too young,” “You’re too old,” “You’re not pretty enough,” “You didn’t make the cut,” “If you haven’t made it by now, you never will.” When you’re exhausted and have been rejected time and again, it’s hard to ignore all of that. It’s enough to make even the most positive of people break down.

But I’m a strong enough person to not let it stop me. Or maybe I should say crazy enough. But I’d rather live imprudently believing my dreams can come true than to live in someone else’s idea of “the real world.”

Now how am I possibly going to put all of this into a marketing plan? We are all paradoxes. Walking contradictions. How can you put just one label on who you are?