Why is it that I can never sleep when I’m exhausted? I gave up ambien two whole months ago (because the BF and my friend K said I was addicted to the hallucinations and had an intervention- something my doctor said was impossible, the evil little pill pusher) and I have worse insomnia than before I was on it. I’ve been downing Tylenol PM all this week and think I’ve only been out a total of 8 hours within three days. I really need to sleep too since I have a three hour audition tomorrow that involves choreography which I am not especially gifted in.
Growing up, my mom always knew when I was overtired not just from my temper tantrums and sensitivity but because everything started looking hopeless. I would become intensely aware of how tiny I was in a world so big. That’s how I feel now. Like I keep pushing and trying and digging and every time I burrow out a section of ground, a bit of dirt falls back in.
I know that the only reason I feel like this is because I’m overtired and can’t sleep, the BF got his repaired Xbox in the mail so I’m already feeling neglected (God, I wish that thing would break for good), and my kitten refused to cuddle with me tonight for the first time. It’s so peculiar how you can feel so alone in a city cramped with people.
And I do mean cramped. If one more person sneezes near me without covering their mouths I’m going to go bat-shit crazy. I better not get the damn swine flu.
PS- I feel so much better after googling synonyms for “batshit” since after writing it I realized that I totally stole that vocabulary choice from my good friend NG’s blog. What I found was hilarious. Yes, I’m amused by the little things:
Bat-shit crazy: One step beyond just plain crazy. It is usually a temporary thing...sparked by something unexpected, or just really awful.
As soon as he saw me humping his mom, he went bat-shit crazy.
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