Amelie

"Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her."

This is who I want to be in 2011

It's going to be a stupendous year. That's right. Stupendous. I can feel it :D

Goodbye

The snow crunches under my feet

The wind blows through the trees

The peace that surrounds me

Is of the place I used to call my own

I find a peace at last

That comes with going home

To the place I learned to love

The soil where I learned to live

Here I am sitting at night in the snow

Under the stars laying on the twigs

Wondering when the peace said Goodbye

Hoping against hope it will find me once again

So farewell my love, I bid you adieu

Because what it comes down to

Is that I was a person

You never really knew

Cheers Baby Jesus

"Are there any Eucharistic Ministers present during this mass? Please? Anyone? We need someone. . . It's Christmas . . . anyone?"

Oh no. This isn't happening. There are over 300 people here and no one is stepping up to the plate? Really? Oh no. What is that? Is that my arm raising itself up to volunteer? No, stop it. Stop!

"Oh thank you so much, please come to the back."

Damn-it. What the hell did I just do?

Let me explain. I am not a very religious person. I was raised very strict Catholic but pretty much don't believe in most Catholic beliefs to this day. I am however very spiritual. I am a strong believer in energy, good people, right and wrong, laughter, good deeds, and morality. But Jesus? An infallible bible? Yeah, not so much. But when I was in highschool my Mom pretty much dragged me to Church to become a Eucharistic Minister. (A Eucharistic Minister is the person who gives out the "body and blood" of Christ, aka: bread and wine.) Why did my Mom make me do this? Here's the best part. It was my punishment for breaking into their liquor cabinet and getting wasted off of 20 year old Gin. (I still to this day can't drink Gin. It was bad. Really bad. And it involved a lot of baking, but I'll save that story for another day.)

So here I was at Christmas Mass (which my family always goes to on Christmas Eve) volunteering to give out the body and blood of a Christ I don't even necessarily believe in because I got wasted long ago in highschool. Why? Two words. Catholic Guilt. After I went into the back and got my assigned spot, I started sweating cold bullets. I, of all people should not be giving out Christ's supposed blood. I, Miss Sinner of New York City wearing my hippie Williamsburg Christmas dress with green socks and brown boots was probably the least qualified out of anyone. But no one else was volunteering to do it, so it didn't leave me much choice.

And you know what? I'm glad that I did. It was at the very least a social experiment, and at the most a good deed. Every person who came up to get the wine I was giving out (of course they would stick me with the wine) had this look in their eyes. This expression that I haven't seen in a long time. It took awhile for me to pinpoint what it was. Finally it hit me. The look was one of repentance and hope. Hope for a better world. Hope for forgiveness of sins. Hope that there is something bigger out there and Love for whatever that thing may be.

So, who am I to poo poo on someone else's beliefs? I'm not. Everyone has something they believe in. Whether it be an infallible god, energy of others, or even friends, exercise, work, or hobbies, everyone needs something. And if I got to be a part of bringing that hope into others lives for just a few minutes? Well, that just warms the deepest cockles of my heart.

Afterwards, we went back to the tabernacle where we had to dispose of the rest of the wine. After asking what we were supposed to do with the leftovers in the glass, someone responded:

"Well, it's been blessed so we can't throw it away. You have to drink the rest of it."

Cheers baby Jesus. Cheers.

2010

Wow. December 20th. You sure snuck up on me. I cannot believe how jam packed with changes this past year has been. I look back, and I have to say that I'm proud to come out of it all in one piece. Moving to LA, moving back to NYC, couch surfing, forging new relationships and friendships, breaking up, breaking up, and breaking up some more. . . the number of times I apparently fell in love this past year astounds me. Then again, maybe none of it was real. Like my mom says, I'm in love with the idea of being in love. And some of the people I chose this past year . . . well let's just say I could probably fall in love with a rock if it looked at me the right way. But I did it. I made it out alive, all on my own.

It is with great pleasure that I welcome 2011. And even though I'll be working a party in the top of a hotel in Times Square that night and will probably want to murder the millions of tourist that take over my city . . . well, I'll still have a pretty big smile on my face. :D

Oh Carpe Diem

One of my best friends recently told me that one of the reasons I feel so much is that everyone always says, "carpe diem, live everyday like it's your last," but that I actually do that. It's an interesting point because I recently went through some old college papers from an acting class and wrote about this very topic.

Back then, I made the point that it was impossible to live everyday like it was your last because we would end up consumed by emotion and consequences. I basically wrote that if you feel that passionately every second of everyday then you would go crazy. I'm not sure when the shift took place where I went from believing you couldn't, to actively doing it.

She's right though. There is a very fine line between living everyday like it's your last and reality. That line however, often gets very blurred. It's the reason why I fall so hard for people, it's the reason I get so happy and then so down. It's why I have no idea what's going to happen in the future (although I guess no one does, particularly artists in NYC), and am sometimes consumed by the past.

So what does this new revelation mean to me? I can't say I'm sure. I need a break from myself. I need a break from all these feelings. I'm pretty sure that if you looked up "emo" in the dictionary there would be a picture of me next to pictures of people reciting poetry in small dark venues.

So . . . I am going to try not to put so much pressure on myself to live everyday like it's my last. Because hotdamn, that gets exhausting! So today? Well today I'm just going to calmly live. And guess what? Tomorrow I will too. Because I doubt this is my last day on earth. And if it is? Well, I've already accomplished a lot in my 20 something years, so I'd be ok with that too.

Peace and Love :)

E

Top 10 Best Apartments

I hate it when bars publish their own "propaganda" saying, "Rated Top 10 Nightlife Spots in the World!" Oh yeah? According to who, my friend? Because I don't see any proof except that a lot of suited up douchebags go to your bar. In lieu of this recent pet peeve, my roommate and I have decided to issue the following statement:

"The 3rd floor apartment at *** Lorimer Street, in the trendy Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is ranked in the Top 10 Best Apartments in New York City, and Top 30 Worldwide."

Take that. BOOYAH!

That's right. I now officially live in one of the best apartments in New York City. And if anyone wants to argue with me that my crappy run down apartment isn't in the top 10? Well, the proof is above. Because it says so on the internet.

E

Make Over of the Soul

I. Have. Been Such. An. Idiot. Alienating my friends, not listening to advice from loved ones, obsessing like a crazy person, and whining and crying like some dumb heart broken sorority girl. What the hell have I been doing? That's so not me! That has been the past three weeks. But no more, I say! No more!

Because really, I think I seek the drama that boys bring into my life so that I don't have to think about my own issues. The fact that I don't know how to live any other life than that of a starving actress. The fact, that I'm scared I might never make it. The fact that this is the first time in years that I am truly alone. The fact that if I can't make rent next month, I have no one to lean on but myself.

This revelation has been an excellent one. I suddenly am at peace because I know what I have to do. And it all starts tomorrow when I will clean my wreck of an apartment. By Christmas I am going to be back to the funny, caring confident friend that I used to be. This is a makeover of the soul. No more dating. Focusing on me.

Awesome.

PS- If you are one of my friends I a) haven't seen and/or b) haven't listened to your advice when it's because you care about me, I am truly sorrow. I think this is the first time I've made a public apology. It's oddly unsettling. I don't like admitting I'm wrong, but there you have it.

Sleeping Well

I feel a billion times better than I did a few days ago. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason and I'm actually thrilled that I'm getting up earlier every morning to pursue my dream.

Had my first day of filming today for a cool film I'm doing. It was awesome. I was even hooked up to a heart monitor for part of the time.

Screw these boys. As one of my bf's N, says, "No man should ever decide how fast your heart beats or how low it sits in your chest."

Acting is and always will remain my one and only true love. Sure, it may not always keep me warm at night, but knowing that I'm a good, loving, and passionate person who has already lived a very full life . . . well that'll certainly help me sleep :)

Can't breathe.
Can't eat.
Anxiety crushing the chest.

Great things happening with Acting.
But it doesn't seem to matter as much if I can't share them with you.

I miss you . . .
Just waiting for you to change your mind . . .
Waiting for you to come back to me . . .

I fear I may be waiting in vain.

Bouncing, Not Breaking

It's amazing how much your life can change in five days. Five days ago I was walking on clouds. Today, I am walking on hot coals.

Hands shaking.
Breaths shallow.
Stomach in knots.

But I will be ok. No one has ever died from a broken heart. I'll bounce back up.

And on the upside, now I don't have to shave my legs all winter and can go back to wearing comfortable grannie panties. Now I can return the cute pj's I bought to wear to Texas for Christmas. Can't return the adorable slipper sock booties though. My cats already pawed those apart.

And right now? Now, I need some time to soberly reflect on the past few days. Now, I need to be alone. I'm not going to date for a very long time. I need to be alone. I need to quell the storm in my heart. I need to stop drinking so much and bring calmness back into my life.

I had an amazing but too short relationship. I have nothing but respect for the guy I was with and wish him the greatest happiness, even if it's not with me. I guess that if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. I'm hurting now but I wouldn't take back the past three months for anything.

Thank you everyone for the kind texts and messages. I have amazing friends and I love all of you.

The Complexity of Relationships

I walk a fine line on this blog of divulging too much personal information vs. being too general. My dating life since December has been absolutely soap-opera insane. Like, you can't make this shit up. I wish so much that I could share it publicly because I have a slew of hilarious stories but I have to respect other people's feelings and privacy. But suffice it to say that I went from a straight-laced military guy (wonderful person) to a hipster southern writer boy (a great guy at heart) to an indie rock band shaggy haired tattooed boy. And then there was the other writer dude and an actor boy in the mix. Oh and another southern boy too. And a few odd dates with random coffee shop boys. This may make me sound like a serial dater, but after being in a relationship for five years, I was ready to expand my horizons. I met some amazing guys. Amazing for other people, just not for me.

What bothers me though is that none of these people (except for current rocker boyfriend) are in my life anymore. I love each of them in different ways but the underlying theme is that each and every one of them were so special and important in the formation of the new E. The liberated confident E. I don't quite understand why they're not in my life anymore . . . but I guess all people can't be friends with their exes. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe everything happened too fast. Maybe I acted too psycho (well that's a definite for one of them. But I'm TOTALLY not divulging the crazy stuff I did on this blog. You'll have to wait for my tell-all biography in 20 years. And even then I might be too embarrassed to spill the crazy beans). But if I got to have a room full of everyone I love and care about, most of them would make that list.

It's a weird dynamic, that one between male and female. I mean, you don't break up with your friends and never speak to them again, right? But I guess it's difficult to go from that romantic relationship to a platonic friendship based one.

Anywoo, just some thoughts on relationships. The boy I'm dating now is the kindest/most intriguing/weirdest person I've ever met. Who knows if it will work out or if I'll end up losing another friend as time goes by.

But for true love, I'm willing to take that chance ;)

E

Sail Away

Every Tuesday until this week, I got to go sailing around the city. I was working as a wine connoisseur on a boat. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Who ever would have thought that I would become a sailor in New York City? Granted, I didn't help out much (except to get out of the way of the crew), but it was mind blowing.

The stresses of living in New York City are insane. It's hard to get away from people. I used to think that every day here was a fight, but now I see it more as a gift. Your attitude towards the city determines which kind of experience you are going to have. Do you go aggressively out into the street just daring people to walk into you? Or do you leave your apartment with a smile on your face and say hi to the neighbors that you pass by?

I digress.

Regardless of your view on the city, it is still difficult to live here. Difficult financially, personally, and career-wise. This city is a prime example of the work hard/play hard mentality. So every Tuesday to me this summer was a blessing. A time where I got to forget all my worries and sail around the statue of liberty at sunset. I could hear nothing but the lap of the water on the boat and could feel nothing but the cool breeze gently caressing my face. And my mind would be cleared. All the financial worries that have plagued me all summer long would vanish. It was an amazing way to recharge each week.

Unfortunately it's a seasonal job so it's over now. Us actors take on odd odd jobs to pay the bills. And this was by far one of my favorite. But at least now when I stress out and worry about all the little things, I can go to a place mentally that will help me remember what life is really about.

Good New York Vibes

It suddenly strikes me just how narcissistic blogging is. I mean, I guess the whole point of having a blog is to have an online diary, but really . . . why would I think that anyone would care about anything I have to say? Anyway, just some thoughts. It seems silly that we all care so much about the tiny details in life when there are people starving and dying from evil and war. Then again, if we didn't bask in the tiny details of our lives and if we instead dwelled on how terrible the world could be then we'd probably all sink into deep depressions and become shells of one another. And what fun would life be if we were all shells? Anyway . . . please excuse the tangent.

A couple weeks ago I was on my way to a job when a guy came onto the subway singing. Now normally, this would go almost unnoticed. It seems like there is always someone singing on the subway. Whether it's a homeless man trying to make some extra change, or if it's a barbershop quartet that you know has rehearsed for hours. But this man . . . this man was different. He had a giant smile on his face and made eye contact in a way that made your soul grin. And then it happened.

"Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow"

And then the first person joined in.

"Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on"

Two more joined.

"For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."

Six people are now singing. Including myself.

"Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on."

Half the Subway car.

"Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on."

It was an amazing New York moment. In this day and age where we are bombarded with horrible news stories everyday, one person had a message. And he left a whole subway car smiling ear to ear with a whole new positive outlook on life. "Lean on me," the stranger says. Because as many bad people that there may be in the world, there sure are a heckofalotof good ones too. And that one morning on my way to a job, I happened to be in a subway car full of them.

Rainy Day Monday

The past two nights I have awoken in the middle of the night, clothes soaked in cold sweat. Perhaps it is partially the change of seasons along with the knowledge that I've been slacking over the past month but the nightmares about my future become more intense every night. Money. Success. Plans. I have been very committed to living in the "now" lately, but sometimes thoughts of non-existing savings accounts, 401K's, and future career plans creep up on me and choke me until I awake gasping for air.

What am I doing here in NYC? Surviving. That's the first thought that comes to mind. Right now, I am surviving. Yes, a year ago I was doing a lot more career wise, but after all the changes in the past year, the only thing I can focus 100 percent on is just to survive. And so far . . . well I'm here, so I guess I'm accomplishing that. But it's scary. Not having a real job, living gig to gig, not doing any acting work that I truly believe in . . . it's pretty goddamn scary.

I look at the roles Hilary Swank has played in her lifetime. Everything from Boys Don't Cry to Million Dollar Baby, and I feel both inspired and defeated at the same time. Inspired, because those are the types of roles I have always wanted to play. Defeated because I'm afraid I'll never have the opportunity to shoot a script even an iota as intriguingly amazing as those. All I want is one film, just one, that I truly believe in. One script with a strong female character that I can bring to life and hopefully affect others. One character that can speak to the hearts of the viewers and change even just one person's life.

There is no formula to this business. It's one of the most unfair and unequal careers you can choose, and all of us doing it are absolutely insane. But we do it because there is nothing we love more. Because when we do get those roles we believe in, when we do get paid for our talent, when we do get to bring an inspirational character to life . . . well those are the best moments you can ask for. And the joy you feel for even a few minutes while performing is enough to outweigh the misery and uncertainty that can last a lifetime.

E

Now

(Tattoo I got three months ago for Emerson's Quote, "Hitch Your Wagon to a Star." Original artwork by my younger bro.)

I think there comes a point in everyone's lives where they can choose to either be consumed by the past or move forward with the future. I myself am finding myself at one of those crossroads. And I'm choosing to move on. To forget about what could have been and why it wasn't and move on to something beautiful and unexpected. Because the only thing worse than having a relationship or dream fail, is having it fail because it was never really given a chance.

A lot of my blog entries in the past year have been about moving on. I think I had a glimpse of what that meant but never truly understood it until recently. It doesn't mean forgetting your past, but it does mean not letting that past hinder your future any longer.

I've been quite introspective these past few months. I suppose it comes from heartbreak and not knowing my place in the world. But what I've come to realize is that you can't let something go just because of fear. You can't be down on yourself just because you're not sure of what the future holds for you. We live in a generation that is so all about the future that we forget that life is happening now. Maybe it took the mortality of a few people in my life over the past few months to make me finally realize that, and if so, then that is the greatest gift that has ever been given to me.

Wake up and Live now. Love now. Dream now. Act now.

Now is your life. Don't let it pass you by.

E

It Should Be Illegal to Be This Happy

Three months ago I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Today, I am at one of the happiest. I have spent the past couple months not just finding myself, but actually realizing that I'm pretty damn cool. Now, please don't take this in a conceded fashion- it's more about me realizing my self worth. A big part of that was me recognizing that the art of acting means more to me than the fame. And that live performance is where my heart lies. Which brings me to Wednesday night.

Oh. My. Goodness. I had one of the best nights of my life. Why, do you ask? Because I got to perform a jazz/burlesque number at Brooklyn Bowl, one of the most kick-ass venues in New York City. I danced in front of hundreds of people, including several of my bestest friends. Have you ever been in a room full of people you love? Because it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Just being onstage dancing again was so exhilarating that looking back, it's all a blur. I am so inspired by the bands that played and the other dance numbers that I feel revived in a way like never before. I am so excited about life right now and wake up every morning excited to start the day. (OK, that's a big fat lie- you all know I'm not a morning person by any means. But after I get my coffee and drink a big glass of ice water, I feel pretty damn good.)

Yes, life is good right now. Very good. And on that note I'm going to go take a nap before going to my friends bar to kick off a relaxing labor day weekend.

Keep on smiling people, keep on smiling :D

Changed

So, my dear blog readers. I have certainly been slacking in my posts. Basically this past month has been an awesome whirlwind of filming a couple projects, working odd jobs, going out on interesting dates, making new friends, taking aerial silk classes, joining a burlesque troupe, and hanging out in bars. It's been great. Really great. And then last night everything changed.

A friend of mine who I used to work with was hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. I guess I didn't realize exactly what that meant because I had planned on visiting him today, three days after it happened, which in retrospect was too late. Last night my friend got a call at 2am from the family saying his brain was closing down. I'm not going to go into details out of respect, but that hospital visit last night changed my life.

How something like this can happen to someone so young, so kind, and so bright is astounding to me. I don't understand. I don't think anyone does. None of this other stuff matters- the odd jobs, the boys, the partying. It just doesn't matter. What does matter are your friends and family. What matters is following your dreams and not worrying about the little things. Because this is your one life. And you just never know when it could be taken away from you.

I wish I had visited him last week when the thought randomly popped up in my mind to go say hi. Listen to your intuition. Be kind. Keep in contact with the people who have touched your lives. Live life to the fullest and be thankful that you wake up in the morning. This is your one and only life. Live it.

Playing in Thunderstorms

These past few days have been amazing. I've been auditioning, working, exploring my neighborhood, and making awesome new friends. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. Yeah, I've been on a string of bad dates (I mean, am I imagining things or is it not the appropriate thing for a guy to pay for dinner on the first date when he not only asked YOU out but also picked the place AND ordered for you?!?!?! I mean, let's face it, I've been out of the game for awhile so I may be a bit rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is something every guy over the age of 13 knows . . .)

I digress.

I find myself talking to complete strangers all the time, helping random people, and always having a smile to offer to someone who is struggling. I feel like I'm becoming a better person and the bitterness that once plagued my soul is dissipating. Sure, I don't think I believe in true love anymore (not for me anyway), but I'm thankful that I've gotten to love and be loved passionately a few times in my life. In short, I'm moving on and focusing on me and the impact I have on others. As long as I can be the best person I can possibly be, and make some kind of tiny influence on others' lives then I will be one happy girl.

And it certainly pumps up your confidence a bit when those people you do randomly talk to or help tell you what an amazing person you are. (Not that that's why I'm doing it obviously, but it does make you feel all glowy inside.)

Oh, and the best part of all? I'm playing again. Full on kid playing. Yeah, it may involve beer nowadays, but climbing trees, breaking into abandoned buildings, and dancing barefoot in Brooklyn puddles are what I live for. Shout out to A.Y. for being my partner in crime.

And now I shall sigh happily and nurse a glass of red wine. I may go out later tonight, I may not. But right now, I couldn't ask for better company :)

Laughing Through Life

Life has been fucking weird lately. Working my ass of to get jobs only to have them cancelled, falling head into cracked pavement for a guy who didn't want to catch me, (although who really knows because apparently in the 21st century when people want to end something they just never contact you again) [I mean, really REALLY? I miss the 1800's-Corsets, Horses, and Gentlemen? Umm, sign me up]), and then the clencher . . . randomly meeting said boy's ex only to find you absolutely adore her.

Lately I've felt like god is just laughing at me. Like, serious thunderstorm-causing laughs. I went over to my friend D's today to practice monologues, proceeded to cry about life for 20 minutes, and then made my way over to a bar to do a wine tasting for a bunch of drunks. When I walked into the restaurant I was (after some brief confusion about who I was) escorted to the marina. Confused as to where I would be setting up the tasting, I looked back and said, "I'm sorry, where am I going?"

"On the boat."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"On the boat."

"Um. You want me to go on that boat and do a wine tasting?"

"Yes, yes on boat!"

Ok, this is weird. But alright, whatever floats your boat (Seriously no pun intended there guys- I'm just that cool), I step up onto the deck of this sailing vessel and 50 pairs of eyes swiftly turn to me in question. I hear an announcer saying, "And here is E! Our wine connoisseur."

"Oh hi! Um . . . yes, I'm E. Nice to meet all of you."

A girl grabs me by the arm and drags me to the middle of the boat where I am to set up. I'm in the midst of popping open a bottle of cheap wine when I happen to glance over my shoulder and see a rope being thrown from the deck into the boat."

"Ahoy!"

What? WHAT?!?! THIS BOAT IS MOVING? WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

I mean really guys. I do these wine tastings at bars, restaurants, and liquor stores. How was I to ever expect that a boat in NEW YORK CITY none the less, was going to be thrown into the mix?

I ended up sailing through the hudson, down to the harbor, and around the statue of liberty for two hours . . . and it was magical. Absolutely, mind blowingly, soul-cleansing Magical. What I thought was going to be a crappy day of feeling sorry for myself ended up being one of my most favorite new york experiences ever. So, God may be laughing at me, but he's still throwing a me a bone every now and then.

- E

PS- No, I'm pretty sure he's still laughing at me. Did I tell you how after the boat, I went to an audition and was taught how to wrestle? Yeah, like actual wrestling. And get this. I'm good. Like, why the hell didn't I do this in highschool good. So yeah, if God had to pick a funny sport for me to actually be good at? Sure, it would probably be wrestling. Keep on laughing.

Love Lea Salonga

She has had such a wonderful career.

I Dreamed a Dream

Ghosts

Ghosts from another life,

Lingering, waiting, not sure

Where to go, how to leave their strife

Elusive peace, waiting for a cure

Plaguing all that they know

They whisper and haunt

Wondering where to go

Corrupting all whom they wish to taunt

Leave for good dear ghost,

For I cannot take your torture

As sweet as honey to the heart of most

As black as sewage to the soul of my aperture

Ghost, erase your words from my mind

Your touch from my skin

For I cannot move on from being of the blind

Until you are at peace again

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

(Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart or anyone I may have ever dated. And no judging. I have a vivid imagination.)

I want to punch you, slap you, scrape my nails across your beautiful face. I want to tear out your jugular with my bare teeth until you finally feel one iota of the pain you've caused my heart. Everyone wonders why girls are so "psycho." Because men make us that way, that's why.

A romance too short and too honey suckle sweet. I want to break your legs into a million little pieces after I've cut your toes off one by one. I want to cut your arteries open and drain out as much of your blood as the tears that you've made me cried. I want to stab you in the gut and sew your entrails into weird avant-garde artistic shapes before shoving them back into your body and sewing the skin up so that you have to suffer longer.

But what I really want above all else . . .

is for you to be mine again.

Not that you ever truly were.

Weekend Home

Mom: Have fun. And if you see a cute boy don't talk to him!

Me: Mom, I told you, I hate boys.

Mom: Then stop looking at all the cute ones!

Touche.

Had a lovely time with the fam and the bff's this weekend. Love you all!

I'm Clearly Not a Poet . . . but this is what's on my mind

Too many thoughts running through my head.

Boxed in, fighting to get out again.

Don't know where I come from or where I'm going.

Fight. Fight. FIGHT.

One more hour, one more day.

Don't know what happened to the life I had,

but it's over now.

Gone, with the wind beyond a storm.

And the calm after the storm is eerily quiet.

Peaceful in an uncomfortable way.

Work. Work. WORK.

Work until you are blinded by the sweat

running into your eyes. And one day,

One amazing day.

You will wake up and realize, this is your new life.

And you created it all by yourself.

City of Dreams

I came home from a job this morning, walked in the door, and my cats where doing the cutest thing. They both had hopped into their cages for traveling and were just sitting there waiting for me to take them somewhere. My little babies have become world travelers over the past few months. I picked up my phone to text their Papa, my ex, and then it happened. The moment. The moment where you're smiling and typing a text, only to have it suddenly hit you that you can't do that anymore. That you broke up and have no right to selfishly keep him as a friend. Hands shaking, I deleted the text and broke into tears. The saddest part of breaking up isn't the loss of a lover or boyfriend, it's the loss of a best friend. A best friend of five years that I told all my secrets too. A best friend that I stayed up reading with late at night and talking with for hours. A best friend that I texted the little details of life to everyday.

I think this is the first time since the breakup that I truly mourned over the loss of my friend. Oh, I've mourned over plenty of things, but so much in my life was happening, so many changes that took place so fast that I kinda just pushed it to the back of my mind and shoved my feelings deep into my heart. Now that my life is finally becoming more stable, they're coming up again. And this time I have to deal with them.

This is all a good thing though. After I shed my tears this morning, I felt a weight lift off of me. I knew that it was going to be ok. I have a roof over my head, an awesomely painted turquoise and red bedroom, and my two cats who mean the world to me back in my life. I have a boatload of friends that have stuck by me through it all. Yeah, there are those who haven't, and new friends I thought I had, who turned their backs as quickly as they had showed me their faces, but everyone goes through that. Life wouldn't be so sweet without the struggles. And right now? Well, it's starting to feel pretty sweet.

When all else fails, I look up into the beautiful Brooklyn sky and a solid peace fills me. This is where all my dreams are going to come true. I just know it.

Love this Poem- After a While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

SMILE!

My mind and body are exhausted but I can't sleep so I find myself at a local Williamsburg bar with wireless (still need to call the cable company so I can get internet in my apartment). So . . . what's been going on? I barely know myself. I gave myself a July 1st deadline to pull my life together, but for once I think I'm actually ahead of schedule. I'm happy. I frequently catch myself walking down the street with a smile on my face for no reason. It's nice. Yeah, nights get a hella lonely, but hey, that's what cuddling with my cats are for.

Work is stressful because I'm living gig to gig. Last week was good for work, but this week looks a wee bit slow. I've never had to live paycheck to paycheck before and it's not something I wish on anyone. I am determined to live the life I want to live though. If I can survive by just doing what I love then I will have found success. Even if it is paycheck to paycheck for a while.

I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. I was working in Coney Island on Saturday (doing a wine tasting- I love people and I love wine, so why not?) and it was blazing hot. So what did I do when I got off? I briefly thought about stripping down to my skivvies and diving into the ocean but then regretfully pondered my underwear choice of the morning (pale yellow- not great when submerged in water). But then I thought, you know what? Fuck it. You only live once. And if I have to flash half of Coney Island to cool off, then so be it. (Ok, ok, I'm not THAT ballsy. I kept on a long tank top, but it was still pretty invigorating.)

I dove in. And I swam. I swam in that dirty city water and had the time of my life. I can't even begin to describe the happiness I felt while floating on my back in the Atlantic. After I had sufficiently cooled down, I made my way back to the boardwalk where I watched a Puerto Rican dance party and chatted with drag queens. And for the first time in God knows how long, I was glad that I was by myself. I didn't have to worry about someone else judging me or being uncomfortable. I made my own rules. I was on my own time table. And it was . . . refreshing. Refreshing in a way I haven't felt in years.

I've been playing a lot lately and it's awesome. I don't know where along the line adults stopped playing. Yeah, I might still act like I'm five, but who cares? I'm professional and responsible when I need to be, so I can act like a child on my off time.

So get out there people. Stop staring at your computer in your cubicle and go play. Go run around the block and act like a lunatic. Try doing some Parkour in the stairwell. Just go play. I promise you, you'll be happy that you did.

And smile. If you're lucky enough to be looking at a computer, then life is pretty damn good :)

I Can Fly

Swinging through the air

Reaching for bright balls of fire

Twisting, turning all around

Getting stuck and tangled

Unravelling and pulling up again.

Two feet at a time

Plus a little strength

Flipping upside down and all around

Nothing but the body and thoughts

Using mind over matter

Silk between the hands, under the feet

Wrapped around the body

Burning skin set ablaze

Push a little bit more

Try a little harder

And Fly

I learned how to fly today.

In more ways than one.

La Vie Boheme!

Time for me. Time for the feelings of guilt, longing, jealousy, confusion, lust, sadness, and loss to be thrown out the window. Time to stop beating myself up for not being where I want to be and to do something about it. Time to put myself before anyone else for the first time in my life. Time to be selfish. It's Time.

I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I’m not obsessing over acting as much as I used to, which is a good thing. It’s still obviously a huge part of my life that I work on everyday, but I’m trying to no longer judge myself for not being quite where I want to be. Because I know I'm going to get there one day. I’m rediscovering my love for things that have been put on the backburner over the past couple years. I’m starting to dance again (haven’t been doing it since my knee surgery in college). I’m going to start playing the piano and singing again so that I can get back to the point where I was at my prime. I’m getting back into live performances, my first and purest love.

I’m getting my act together so I can be me again. I’m starting to remember who I was at my core before I became someone else’s. And I’m excited as hell.

This is gonna be fuckin good people. Scary, and maybe a little bit crazy, but good. Very good.

La Vie Boheme!

Hope

I miss the days of sprinklers and climbing trees. I miss playing in the yard and being excited about all the possibilities in the world. I miss being young and innocent enough that I still saw faeries and infinite possibilities in everything. I miss playing dress up with my sister and putting plays on for the neighborhood. I miss the days when everything was simple. When an ice cold glass of water was enough to make me happy. When I believed in everything. I believed in dreams. I believed in love. I believed in happy endings.

I miss playing foursquare with the neighbors on our long driveway. I miss playing in thunderstorms and the excitement of stomping barefoot in puddles and running from the lightning, (though I never actually ran. I was always too intrigued by the electricity in the air). I miss warm towels, tulips growing in the garden, and rolling down hills for so long that my skin got itchy from the grass. I miss reading a good book by the potbelly fireplace in the winter and out on the swing in the summer. I miss the sizzling sound the stove made when snow hit it as we warmed ourselves from the winter storms.

I miss the hope I had as a child.

Because the older I get, the less hope I have in everything. But I can't help but hold on to a little. I know I'm naive, and I should just give up when reality slaps me in the face, but I can't. I still have that childish hope that everything will work out. But that hope is challenged on a daily bases. It was challenged for five years. It was challenged and taken away from me in November. It was challenged my entire time in LA. And it's being challenged once again, here in NYC.

At what point does hope end and stupidity begin?

Thank You

I have seen and felt so much beauty in the world lately. The gentle caress of someone you care about. The laughter of your best friend's voice on the other end of the phone. The joy of instantly bonding with a new friend. The cheerful hello from a stranger. I love it all. I have moments where I am so happy that I could burst. And those moments are truly what has been helping me get through all of this. All of this apartment hunting, job searching, coming to terms with being in the city without my ex this time around, trying to figure out my place in this world . . . everything.

You all know who you are and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I am so so very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I won't forget it.

And those of you who haven't been there for me? Well I won't forget that either. ;) No, that's not a threat, (or is it?) Mwahahahaha.

No, but seriously. You all have been amazing. The messages and emails of support I've gotten from people have been astounding. I'm very lucky to have surrounded myself with such positive people.

Much Love,
E

Does Lady Luck Decide Your Fate?

I can't believe I'm the age that I am, (and no I'm not telling how old that may be). Although we all age at the same rate, I seem to be the only one getting any older. And that only means one thing to me. That I have less and less time to "make it" as an actress. Some would argue that I've already made it. After all, I get paid to be in films/on TV/onstage. But I have yet to do something that I am passionately proud of. Part of this is because I'm by far my own worst critic (with the exception of maybe my dad ;) ) and part of it is because I don't have a "name" yet so I'm pretty much restricted to lower budget things.

It's always bothered me that someone else pretty much decides your fate as an actor. Oh, you can take all the classes you want, practice like crazy, and go to tons of seminars, but what it boils down to is being in the right place at the right time. Yes, it takes talent. But it takes a helluva lot of luck too. You can give the best audition of your life, but if the men behind the table don't like you . . . well there's nothing you can do about it.

Or so I thought.

Until I decided to start my own production company. A year ago, I discovered a deep passion for writing that had been buried for years. It stems from the same place as my love for acting. A deep desire for bringing characters to life. Because they're not really "characters" at all. They're you. They're me. They're your best friend. Your worst enemy. Your lover. Your neighbor. The old man down the street that you say hi to every morning. And so much more. I've always wondered while passing by strangers what their story is. What makes them who they are. Where their neurosis stem from.

And now, not only do I get to bring these stories and people to life. I get to create them as well. I get to research and discover why that person is the way that they are. And hopefully through this, I can bring a little light and perspective to other people as well.

And if I happen to be my own Lady Luck? Well that's a pretty damn big bonus.

It's Time

So it finally hit me the other day. I don't have to be miserable anymore! It's totally a choice. There are people in far worse circumstances than me who make it through the day with a smile on their face, so why can't I? I can! So, here's to me being happy. Yeah, I don't have a place to live yet, but I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends and people in my life who have housed me over the past few weeks. Yeah, I don't have a real job, but I've gotten a helluva lot of freelance work considering I've only been back . . .(gasp) a month! What!?!?!?! I just looked at a calendar. I can't believe it's been a month already. I feel like it's only been two weeks. But not to panic. It must mean I'm having a pretty damn good time if time is flying by so fast.

It's time to move on from my past. It's hard. Like grasping for straws that are halfway filled with cement, but it's time. It's time to make this city mine again. I'm excited and scared and happy and nervous and inspired all at the same time. Things are not only going to work out, they're going to be great.

It's time to be my own light.

Fear

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

When do you think it will all become clear?

Because I'm being taken over by the Fear

- Lily Allen

I'm afraid that my story may be one that ends in tragedy. I need for the past six months to be erased from my mind. To pretend the event in November that catapulted the end of my relationship and haunts me every time I close my eyes never happened. I need for it to all be gone. Because I don't know how to move on anymore. It's been one thing after another since that horrible day . . . How much can one person take before they break? I need for someone to save me, but know that I can only save myself.

I have good days and bad days. Days where I think that the world is a beautiful place and that everything is going to work out, and days where I remember last Fall/Winter and am physically incapable of moving. I try to forget certain things but they seep back into my mind like poison and infiltrate my dreams until they become nightmares of a dangerous kind. But I'm going to get through this. I have to. I need to surround myself with positive people. It's when I'm alone that things start to get scratchy. My brain is a landfill of emotions just waiting to erupt.

But I'm going to put a smile on my face and get out there again. There's really no other choice. After my ex and I broke up, I remember thinking, "just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep walking. Take it one step at a time." And that's what I need to do again. Put one foot in front of the other. Because as small of an accomplishment as that might sound, it's a hell of a lot better than being stagnant.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through all of this. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you a better actor. Let's hope that's true.

Not Just an Ordinary Grilled Cheese

I love how people in restaurants make such a big deal about a person eating alone. "Are you just one?" Yes. "So, you're alone?" Yes, I'm pretty sure we just established that. "Well, we only have big tables in here. Maybe there's a smaller table outside. Jose! Are there any small tables?" "For how many?" "Just one. She's alone!" Perfect. Thank you for yelling to the entire restaurant that I am in fact, completely alone. Not that I mind being alone. I actually need and crave it at times. But that doesn't mean I want an entire restaurant staring at me like I'm some kind of crazed zoo animal.

So there I was, writing in my journal and enjoying a healthy feast of grilled cheese, when I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation next to me. It was a man and woman in their 40's talking about how they just realized their happiness couldn't be tied to how many auditions they went on or how many gigs they booked. I recently realized this myself, so of course I jumped into the conversation. They told me I'm 20 years ahead of my time so I'm on the right track, but that I'll still be struggling with the concept with I'm 40. Great. Sounds awesome.

But it was cool talking to people older than me in my profession. It felt validating in a weird way. And of course, I love talking to strangers. I'm addicted to studying human behavior and observing how people walk, talk, and interact with others vs. how they act alone. Marcia Cross, was supposedly a working psychologist after her long time partner passed away, and I think that's a big part of why she's such a great actress. She studied human behavior at the root. She observed people at their rawest.

See how much I learned by eating alone today? And that's the thing about New York. Even when you're by yourself, you're never truly alone.

How to Get Better at Life: My Step-by-Step Guide

So I was in between interviews today sipping a coffee at a nearby Starbucks (trust me, I have a strong dislike for chain coffee shops just as much as the next guy, but I have a gift card so it's pretty much going to be my favorite place until the $25 run out), when I decided to write out a plan on how to get better at life. This was totally personal and I wasn't going to share it, but I caught a glimpse of the girl across the table reading what I wrote and smiling, so . . . I figured I'd post it. Here is a step by step plan on how I will get better at life. It's pretty simple now. Simple is good.

STEP ONE: GET A JOB

- Suck it up and be responsible. Take whatever comes your way now and look for something you actually like later.

- Work towards your 5 year goals in your off time, (including your production company and clothing store).

STEP TWO: GET AN APARTMENT

- You can't couch surf forever. I know you want something cool and close, but you're starting over so you're going to have to deal with far and decrepit. Don't worry. Once Step One is complete, you can be more picky.

STEP THREE: STRAIGHTEN OUT YOUR HEART

- Enough said.

STEP FOUR: WRITE AND ACT EVERYDAY

- If you don't use it you'll lose it. Write and act constantly, even if it's only for yourself. That way you'll be ready when opportunity comes knocking.

STEP FIVE: STOP DRINKING SO MUCH

- Again, enough said. When you are constantly hung over, it makes getting better at life a tad bit more difficult. I'm not asking you to give it up completely, just reduce. And drink water. And eat your five servings of veggies and fruit per day.

So that's all I have for now. It doesn't seem quite as overwhelming when it's all written out like that. I'm fairly certain that within three- six months I'm going to be kicking ass at life. :)

I Hate That I Love You, New York

I had a beautiful blog entry roaming around in my head today about how wonderful New York is, how amazing I feel to be back, how the pavement glistens gloriously in the rain, how the music on the street speaks to my soul . . . and then I got hit by a car. I GOT HIT BY A FUCKING CAR.

Now before I continue, let it be known that aside from an achy elbow and knee, I am totally fine. More shocked than anything because I GOT HIT BY A CAR. I drive for three months in LA without so much as a scratch, and then I'm back in NYC for two days and can't even walk across a street.

But it's ok. Because, did you really think you could scare me off like that NY? Here's me giving you a big ole' eff you. It's going to take a lot more than a little car (ok, minivan), to stave me off. I'm onto you. And I will beat you. And you will like it.

Did Someone Say Cross Country?

Wow. So much has happened in the past two weeks. Approximately:

Money spent on gas: too much

Number of red bulls drunken: 11

Number of times pulled over: 0

Number of times stopped by border control: 1

Number of camera speeding tickets (stupid Arizona): 2-3

Best new food tried: Frito pie

Number of times gotten pelted by beads (that f'ing hurts): ~15

Number of sketchy motels/crack dens stayed in: 1

Number of breakdowns on the road: (Car-0. Emotional-5.)

Favorite new cities in order: New Orleans, Austin, Atlanta

Average number of hours slept per night: 4

Number of times kicked a slot machine: 2

Longest drive in one day: 15 hours

Number of cats roaming around the car: 2

Am so tired. Will write more when I can actually think again.

Chipping Away at Life

The paint on my nails is already chipped from a glamourous photoshoot just days before in a land of glitz and glam. A land that is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, but with some of the most depressed people I've ever met. And here I am, in the most dejected/deserted city in the nation, with some of the happiest people I have ever known.

But I'm tired. Tired of feeling. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I have so many contradicting emotions that I don't know what to do with. Tired of talking about it all. And I'm pissed. I'm pissed at my grandma for dying (though I know this is completely illogical- I know it was her time), I'm pissed at myself for not spending more time with her in the past year. I'm sad because I don't think I'll ever find the kind of love that she and my grandfather had.

I'm stressed because the job prospect I had in NYC is probably falling through because I can't get back there in time because of the funeral. I'm already tired of couch surfing and it hasn't even begun yet. I'm tired of wondering if other people have the same feelings as me, or if they even feel anything at all. I'm upset because everyone asks everyone else how their significant other is doing, and then when they get to me, ask me how my cats are. I'm sorrowful because I don't think the love I want even exists in this day and age.

And more than anything, I'm sad. I have a deep sadness in me that I know no one can cure but myself. I'm sad because I'm a year older and feel like I've fallen behind where I was a year ago. I'm sad that I had to leave a wonderful man because I wanted something more. Something that I am not so sure I'll ever find. I'm sad because I wish my great love would hurry up and find me and wipe away my tears.

I'm pissed that I spent the past five years so focused on my career, that I let life slip me by. Sometimes I want to give up on it all. Say fuck it, and resign myself to the fact that I'm going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me.

I know this feeling will pass. I know that I in turn, can be one of the happiest people around and light up other people's lives. But right now . . . right now sucks big donkey balls.

I feel like a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. I just want to feel normal again. But to do that, I have to stop feeling so much. I have to do whatever is possible to numb myself to the pain and confusion. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love acting so much. I get to forget everything and be someone else.

Yes, the paint on my nails is almost completely chipped off. And with it is any sense of normalcy I may have experienced in these 20 something years.

Has Social Media Gone Too Far?

I've touched briefly on my confusing fling with social media in this blog before. I'm basically addicted to the internet. Addicted to emailing, addicted to web surfing, addicted to Facebook, twitter, and a whole slew of blogs. I have spent hours upon hours on my computer completely unaware of the time passing by. I know things about people that I have no business knowing. Hell, I've even solved a crime via Myspace before. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it, but this morning everything changed.

I found out via Facebook that my Grandmother died.

I cannot tell you the feelings of disbelief that washed over me as I learned of her death from my new best friend, the computer. I knew before my Dad, her own son knew. Do I call him to tell him? Do I just wait for the phone call? How do I function with this unwanted knowledge? I ended up calling my sister and we decided we should just wait for the phone call. Sure enough, 45 minutes later, I got the news on the phone.

I'm really not sure how I feel about this. It is so 21st century. I mean, I would have much rathered to hear of this in person, but at the same time, social networking allows you to find support in places you didn't even know you had. But it still begs the question: Is social media getting out of hand? Does it intensify life or just complicate it? I'm really not sure of the answer.

Grabbing the Reigns

Alright everyone. So here's the deal. For various reason (ALL career driven), I will be going back to NYC for a spell. I don't know for how long, but you never really know with me. I'm just letting the wind blow me in whatever direction it thinks I should go. My original plan was to move out here to LA for three months as sort of a test run. There have been many successes (and of course a few failures) and I have a pretty good idea of what my life would look like if I stayed. . . and I'm not a big fan. I'm not particularly thrilled with things I learned about the entertainment industry out here. Namely, with what people do to "make it." At this point in my life I think I can be more successful in NYC, especially since I have more connections out there. There are tons of reasons why I believe that, and I have weighed my options heavily. That's not to say I won't be back. I'm positive that my career will lead me back to LA several times. But that doesn't mean I have to live here.

For some reason, a few people that have caught wind of this are deciding to be extremely judgmental. I realize that this is partially my fault because I put myself out there so much on this blog and on facebook, but come on guys. I've gotten everything from, "I told you not to leave New York," to "Oh, you're just giving up? You're a quitter." Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I do everything for the sake of acting and that I have never been a quitter. As my sister pointed out, "People just try to convince you to do what they did to validate their own choices." Which is why I've been thinking very hard about this for a good two weeks and have only asked the advice of those closest to me that I know will not try to influence me one way or another.

When it comes down to it, I did what I came out here to do. I in no way regret the past three months. They were a growing phase that I desperately needed. I am more confident in my abilities (both acting and "life") than ever before and I am ready to hit NYC with a force that I didn't previously possess. I needed these past three months here. And nothing is set in stone. I have two auditions this week for things shooting in middle america this summer so who knows what could happen. I'm not ruling anything out.

I'm grabbing my life by the reigns and doing what is best for me. As my (apparently very wise) little sis also said, "You have to have the courage to go against the grain." That's what I'm doing.

Grabbing the reigns to go against the grains.

Figuring Shit Out

What am I doing here? I woke up this morning in a sweat, the heavy realization of what I've done over the past few months pressing down on my chest like a ton of rocks. Did I seriously move with my cats cross country? To say this move was impulsive is an understatement. Yes, I was partly running away and I was partly running towards, but what from? What to? Was this actually the best career choice? I'm honestly not sure. What I am sure of is that I need to make my own luck. The likelihood of me being one in a million people that are "discovered" isn't entirely realistic. I need to be writing and producing my own things. I need to make this happen, because no one else is going to.

I just don't feel very creative here. Maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's how everyone looks the same, maybe it's the lack of grit and the abundance of glitter, but I need to somehow get my creative juices flowing. I need to figure out what I want in life and which path is the best one to travel. I need to start the next phase of my life.

So I'm going to go climb a mountain now and hope the (semi)fresh air will give me some answers.

Freedom

The other day I was contemplating summer plans and was overcome by a sudden rush of freedom. It's stuck with me throughout the past couple days and it is an extremely calming and liberating feeling. For the first time in my life I don't have anything holding me back. I can do and go anywhere I want. I'm not in school, I'm not tied to a corporate job, I'm not in a relationship, and I don't have any kids. I do have a load of credit card debt (mainly from having to buy a car) but I'm hoping that will be paid off in the next two months. I can do whatever I want. That's freakin awesome.

Hollywood pretty much shuts down during the summer, so I can either stay here and just work at the bar (which is on the beach so I would make pretty damn good money), or I can travel somewhere. I can go back to NYC and maybe do a play. I can go visit family in Maryland, Boston, Ohio, and Detroit. I can go back to Ireland or France and visit friends there. Hell, I can go backpacking through Thailand by myself if I feel like it. The possibilities are endless. And the cool thing is that I don't have to decide now. The only deadlines I have are the ones I make myself.

The one act play that I wrote that is being performed in a month in NYC, is about how people in my generation beat ourselves up rushing to "make it" in our careers and in life. It's about how we need to slow down because before we know it we'll be older with even more responsibilities wondering what happened to our youth. We need to stop always being on the go and enjoy life instead of stressing so much. So that's what I'm doing. I've always felt so pressured to make it in acting by a certain age, but it's not going anywhere. Yeah, there are fewer roles for women as they get older, but there are also fewer actors. So I'm not going to stress about making it anymore. I'm just going with the flow. I'm taking my own advice for once. And it feels awesome.

If you need me I'll be by the beach. True, I'll probably be serving drinks, but it's still the beach nonetheless.

Ahhh Life. I Somehow Think You're Going to Work Out

Well I have to say that waitressing is hard work but I can't complain about the money. There is something to be said about walking out with a wad of cash at the end of the day. Instant gratification. Things are going pretty well out here. I just wrapped the webseries I was shooting yesterday and had an awesome time. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Well . . . I can't wait to see how the final product turns out, not my actual performance. I hate watching myself onscreen. I just always think that I could have done something better and I inevitably end up laughing at myself during serious scenes or cringing during funny scenes. But it was a lot of fun and the feeling of being paid to do what you love is indescribable.

Man my feet hurt. I kinda like that I'm doing physically grueling work. I mean it's not like I'm building skyscrapers or anything, but it's enough to make you appreciate life. Which is something I've been trying to do more of lately. I'm trying to appreciate it and have fun on my own. It would be so easy to jump into another relationship right now and though it is very tempting, I need to be selfish (in a good way) right now. I need to learn how to not just live on my own, but how to be happy with just myself and no one else. I can't tell you how many times I want to avoid going home after work because I don't want to be alone. Thankfully the new friends in my life realize what I'm going through and put me in my place when I call and whine about being lonely.

So anyway. That's all that's been happening on this coast. Working my butt off at a bar on the beach (I can't even describe the beauty of a sunset over the ocean from there), filming with some pretty cool people, and doing some soul searching. I am in a 100% better place than I was a month ago. But I still have a long way to go. I want to get back to the place I was years ago when I would have dance parties in my room by myself and it would be the most euphoric feeling of the day. I need to find myself again. And once I do, I will be a much better person not only for myself, but for whatever the next relationship I may be in.

Alright, time to go rest my weary feet, relax a little, and submit to some castings. I'm living my dream people. I somehow never envisioned waitressing as part of that dream, but nothing that is worth fighting for comes easy. And once I get it . . . it will be the best feeling in the world.

Day of the Irish

Sorry I've been slacking on posts lately! I've been working like crazy at my new serving job. I will be the first to admit that I am a TERRIBLE waitress. I have a pretty short attention span (I'm convinced to this day that I have ADD and was just never diagnosed- then again I'm a hypochondriac and am pretty much convinced I have everything. Have I mentioned the weird rash that just appeared on my leg?!) and I sometimes go back again and again to ask what it is they wanted. You would think a pen and paper would remedy this . . . but my handwriting is so bad that I can't always read what I wrote, lol. Hey, we can't all be good at everything ok? In a weird way it's kinda refreshing to find something I'm so horribly terrible at.

The first day of my webseries shoot went great. The entire cast and crew was awesome AND I was upgraded to the female lead. Alas, this means that I no longer get to make out with Mr. Belding, but I do have more lines and an additional shoot day now!

Oh, and I got a liquor tasting job too. It's pretty akin to what I did in NYC for awhile: going into liquor stores and asking customers if they'd like to sample a certain liquor. My schedule hasn't been set for that yet though so I'm not holding my breath. In this town nothing is certain until the check is in the bank.

I am so excited to go back to NYC at the end of April for the one act I'm writing. I'm working on the 2nd draft now and think I have some good stuff. It needs to be finished by tomorrow night so I have some more work to do but I'm pretty happy with it. Even though I'm not getting paid for it, I feel like it's a big step for me as a writer. It's a good feeling. And it's so weird that I'll be seeing some of my New York friends more now that I live on the west coast. One of my good friends Dlowe will be here next week, then I'll be back next month, and then one of my besties, C will be here for two weeks in May. Yay! I was so worried before about making LA my home, but I'm realizing that NYC can still be my home too. I'm working hard to make the bi-coastal thing happen.

On that note I need to get back to writing and maybe take a nap before serving a bunch of drunken a-holes tonight. Hopefully everyone will be in a chipper mood since it is in fact the day of the Irish.

Progress

Whew, what a week! A week ago today I got an agent. Sunday, I got a car. Wednesday, I booked my first acting gig, got a writing gig, and got a manager. Thursday, I got a job! Today I have a meeting at a modeling agency, an interview for a promotional gig, and my first night of training as a waitress.

So, where to begin . . . the acting gig. I booked a webseries (I'm in two episodes). I don't have a lot of lines, but it's a hilarious part. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to write about it, but suffice it to say, I will be making out with Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. Considering the fact that many of you have been calling me Spano for years, I'm sure no one is too surprised by this fact.

Next up: writing gig. I am equally as excited by this! I am writing a one act for a theatre troupe in NYC that they will be performing the last weekend of April/ 1st weekend of May. It's non paying but I actually don't mind because it's going to be awesome seeing my written words being brought to life. And let me tell you, Wednesday was an amazing day. I spent a good five hours just writing. It was just me, the pen on paper, a couple Tecates, and some tacos. If I could just act and write for the rest of my life, I would be the happiest girl on the planet.

And finally: the job. Haha, this is hilarious. I've been stressing about money all week and was meeting a friend at the Whaler (bar on the Venice boardwalk) last night. As I walk in, I just happen to ask the bouncer if they're hiring. "Umm, I'm not sure, but you're hot so let me introduce you to the owner," was his response. Um . . . okaaaay. Turns out they were about to open the outdoor patio and were just talking about how they needed another server when I walked in. I was grilled about my serving experience and am amazed at the lies that flew out of my mouth. Apparently I have 2 years experience as a server (at Fig and Olive LL, so tell your bf to vouch for me if they call!) and 3 as a hostess. . . I've never done either. See, I knew majoring in Bullshit (aka Theatre) in college was a good idea! It got me a job . . . as a waitress. I start training tonight and tomorrow afternoon and then am being thrown to the wolves tomorrow night so I hope to god they don't realize I have no clue what I'm doing.

On that note, I need to bust my butt over to West Hollywood for a meeting. I'm still missing NYC like crazy but I am one step closer to living the bi-coastal life that I want. I can't wait to see what next week brings.

Neverland

Wow so my last blog entry seemed to have made quite an impression- both positive and negative. It's always hard putting yourself and all your vulnerabilities out there for the world to see. Sometimes I think I should just stick to writing about acting in this blog, but then I'll get an email from a stranger, or a call or text from a long lost friend thanking me for writing my feelings because they feel the exact same way. I used to feel the same way whenever I would read my good friend Glitterati's blog. It's always nice to feel that you're not alone in your thinking/feelings. Of course not everyone is going to be on the same page as you but that's life. And it's funny how many people here in LA have asked me to hang out since reading my last entry. Thanks guys for helping me get on my feet! Literally- thanks guys. Everyone that contacted me to chill was a male. Not that I'm complaining, I mean friends are friends. But step it up girls. I need some more estrogen in my life.

So I got a car. And I love it. I'm not sure what to name her. I was thinking "Stella" but that seems a bit overdone. We'll see. I bought her on my credit card (funny how I know she's a she), so she obviously wasn't too expensive . . . I mean it's no Cadillac. But it's all mine. I've already been out and about (though I have yet to tackle the highways) and I think she and I will get along just fine.

I had one audition today and have two tomorrow. It's great being a full time auditioner (no really, I actually love auditioning) . . . next step: book something. Things are going to work out just fine. I know it. I'm going to book something (fingers crossed) and then one day open up my own production company and vintage clothing store. (The Vintage store is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother day, but is something that has long been in the works).

Wait . . . what was that? Did I just set a goal for myself? I think I did! Awesome! I have a five year plan! I always wanted to be a person with a five year plan but my life was always so crazy that I couldn't imagine the next week let alone the next year. Not that it's any less crazy now, but yay!

Oh good, I'm excited. So I know where I'll be in five years (well metaphysically anyway- I have no idea where I'll be physically located) and I know everything is going to work out. The glass has become half full.

* Literally while I was just finishing up this blog entry someone called me about my blog to tell me how inspiring it was. I asked him why he felt it was inspiring, because I don't write with that intention (though it's of course a nice side effect). But why would someone find my blog (especially the depressing entries from the past 3 months or so) inspiring? He said that it was because upon first meeting me, one would think that I have everything together. So it's nice to see that I am in fact human and I struggle too. And that inspires him. Interesting. Thanks Columbia. (That's your nickname in here M.R.)

So, it's been a good Monday. The glass is half full, I'm going on auditions, I have a car, and I'm on my way to becoming a real adult. . . Ok, honestly I need to drop that whole "becoming an adult" thing. It's been a common theme in my blog entries, and let's be honest- It's not going to happen. I'm never going to be a "normal" adult. And I don't want to.

I believe in Neverland.

Not ok

I'm not ok. There I admitted it. I'm tired of constantly saying, "Oh yeah, I'm doing great!" I'm not. Things are not ok. But they will be. They have to be.

I am in a constant battle of depression vs. happiness. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face but it's not working. I wonder why I felt the need to up and leave everything and everyone that I know and love to come to a strange land completely alone. I feel so isolated. I'm a people person and I'm realizing that I hate being alone. In the shower I can't tell where the water ends and the tears begin. I try to be responsible. I try to make my eggs and toast in the morning and even make my bed. But I lean towards the self destructive. I want to give up. I want to move back to the east coast where I can be closer to my parents, my baby nephew, all my friends and loved ones. But I know that will only bring momentary happiness. Eventually I'll get restless again and wonder why I left the west coast.

Strangers here want to help. But I need to learn to do this by myself. I need to learn once and for all how to depend on myself for my own happiness and no one else. I don't know what I believe when it comes to religion, but if there's a god, I think that's what he must want from me right now.

I have spouts of fleeting happiness. I got an agent yesterday- exactly two months after I moved here. I was in New York for 4 years and only freelanced with agents. So that's great news. Really really great news. But I have no one to celebrate it with out here.

I want to give up. I want to go back to the home where I grew up and just cry for a month and have my mom take care of me. I want to forget that I'm an adult with responsibilities and dreams. I want to be surrounded by love instead of strangers.

But then I go to an audition. And for the five minutes that I'm in there, I am in utter bliss. It is the happiest that I ever feel. For five minutes I get to be someone else. I get to create a different world, bringing another person to life. Those five minutes are what I am risking everything for. I have to make it out here. I'm giving up any semblance of a normal life until I do. Acting means everything to me. And if leaving my entire life to come here with a suitcase and two cats doesn't prove that then I don't know what does. Sometimes I think having this dream is a curse. But in the end it's always worth it. At the end of a shoot day I always have a peaceful contentedness that tells me I'm doing exactly what I should be.

So chin up. Time to move forward. No, I'm not ok right now. But I will be.