I Think I Might be an Adult

I am in love. With Jimmy, my kitten. My heart literally aches when I’m away from him. Its the same kind of feeling as when you first fall in love with someone. Last night was trivia night and as much as I love everyone on the trivia team, I just wanted to go home to Jimmy the whole time. As the BF said to Jimmy this morning, “You’ve changed my girlfriend into a whole new woman!” It’s true too. I wake up early to feed him, make sure his pee/poop looks ok, monitor his sneezing, brush him, play with him, and don’t even want to stay out as late as usual because I miss him so. To sum it up: I’m becoming responsible. Like an adult or something. It’s weird. (Except of course when I had one too many tequila drinks Tuesday night and tried to get Jimmy to take a shower . . . that didn’t go over too well.)

I received another rejection letter, which I am actually quite happy about. I feel that I have reached a new height in my career now that people are actually writing to me to say I wasn’t quite right for a part, as opposed to before when I just wouldn’t hear back. The email was actually very nice and stated:

Thanks so much for coming in to audition on Monday. I can tell you take your craft very seriously and I think you've got a lot of talent. You're very attractive but not exactly what I'm looking for to play-------, who's got more of a punkish vibe. However, I have a lot of projects coming up this year and I will keep you in mind. I sincerely hope we can work together in the future, and I think you will have a great career. Let's stay in touch.

You know you’re in a bizarre business when you measure success by how well you get rejected. But, it makes me feel good to know that even if I’m not what people are looking for this time, at least I’m making connections. Though, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree about me not being punk enough. I mean, come on. I was a pretty damn good punk for the zombie highschool party. Ok, ok, I know that I don’t look punkish at all, but that’s what scissors and pink hair dye is for, right?

Anywoo, I’m making candles tonight to sell at my part time job’s employee craft fair next week. It’s my job to organize the fair but I waited to the last minute this time and very few vendors are available, so it looks like it’s going to turn into E’s junk fair.

I’ve never made candles. Hopefully I won’t burn down our combustible building.

Kitty!

I have the COOLEST kitten ever. We got him from a shelter so he is used to life in a cage, and when we let him loose in our apartment he went crazy! He’s been running around the apartment for hours chasing his tail. He’s so funny. And he already thinks I’m his Mommy and has been cuddling up to me. I just got back from an audition and as I was walking home, I was thinking about the joy that was waiting for me. I never thought I was a cat person, but I guess I was wrong!

My audition went well, knock on wood. It was an emotional journey, as many auditions are and I was left feeling a bit gloomy afterwards. Having to go through intense emotion at the snap of your fingers always leads to a bit of a let down. But it was well worth it. I just love auditions. I know that sounds weird, but I do. Acting even for a couple of minutes is still wonderful to me.

The director gave great feedback and then said something very interesting. He told me that I have a very warm ambiance to me and wanted me to switch it off for part of the script. It’s interesting that people see me as warm- I mean, yes I am a warm person, but God knows I’m not always like that. I have my dark side as well that not many people have seen but is definitely there. What is interesting to me is that I put up such a wall of happiness that it’s hard for people to see the darkness. This is good in normal life, but I need to make sure that those dark emotions can be seen by casting directors as well. Unfortunately, sometimes first impressions are the strongest and when I walk in the door happy-go-lucky, I’m immediately typecast. But it’s my job to change that.

Ok, enough philosophizing for now. I’m going to go play with my adorable kitten.

Just Swing

Ah, nothing like home cooked meals and crisp green grass to lie in while surrounded by family and fresh air. This weekend was exactly what I needed. Refreshing and comforting. I feel a million times better about everything. After my sister-in-law and bro’s baby shower (and everyone gushing over the cutest little outfits and mini slippers), I met up with my oldest bff, Tee and her husband, Kilt. Tee and Kilt met around the same time as the BF and I, but they got married almost two years ago whereas the BF and I prefer living in sin. Anyway, Tee and I are always on the same wavelength. We have wonderful conversations about growing up, where we fit in now, and who we are (or trying to figure out who we are). She always makes me feel better about not having all of the answers.

We all took our beer up to my childhood playground on Saturday night and played. We just horsed around (as my Mom would say), swinging on the swing sets and sliding down the slides, and it was AWESOME! As I was swinging up high into the trees and staring at the stars I had a sudden moment of clarity. I remembered many years ago, swinging on the same swing set trying to reach the trees and yearning for the day I would soar above them. I knew it wouldn’t happen in my hometown. I realized that it would take hard work, sweat, and tears but that I would one day fly. As I swung into the sky remembering this on Saturday night, I realized that the nagging feeling I had as a child was gone. I wasn’t just wishing anymore, I was doing it. I am actively trying. A part of me will always be that child aching for the sky, but it feels good to know that I am paving my way to get there. I’m not just longing anymore. The swing will only take you so far- I am now building my own wings to soar above.

Yes, some good home lovin' was just what the doctor ordered. And it doesn’t hurt that I got a call about attending a second round of callbacks for an awesome film I auditioned for a while ago. I’m still building those wings. One feather at a time.

Fine, you win New York . . . for now

Fine New York. You win. For this week. Of course when I'm sick and can barely move is when I get calls for five auditions. What kind of logic is that? Then this morning, the super of our building came by because we have a leak in our ceiling and gross mold. He asked me to hold the bottom of the ladder so he could climb up into a little cubby hole and then it happened.

I looked up and before the dirty, grimy, disease infected shoe coming at my face could register, I was down on the ground bleeding. That's right folks, this actress may have a broken nose. BECAUSE THE SUPER OF THE BUILDING KICKED ME IN THE FACE. Yes, it was an accident, but after the week I've had the tears finally kicked in. Fine. You win New York. I'm off to Maryland for my bro and sister-in-law's baby shower, and am hoping some good home cooked food and southern comfort will heal me. But when I get back- IT'S ON. You may have won this week with your roaches and leaks and mold and blisters and strep and bloody noses, but I am not going down without a fight. Said in my best terminator voice, "I'll be back."

Down and Out

I finally did myself in. Tuesday afternoon the “fever” I had felt coming on descended upon me full force. Tuesday night was awful- everything hurt. Wednesday morning was worse. Part of me thought that I had contracted meningitis from being practically barefoot in Times Square and I was going to die. Begrudgingly, I called sick into the part time job, canceled four auditions, and pulled on some old jeans to head to the doctors. I took one look at myself in the mirror and immediately put a baseball cap on so I wouldn’t frighten small children.

Note to self- some things are worth splurging on (ie taxi when you feel like you’re dying) and some are not (ie weekly sale at Urban Outfitters). Ok, maybe both are worth splurging on, but neither got my attention as I blindly made my way the 5 blocks to the subway on Wednesday morning. Since moving to Manhattan, I’ve had to cut down a lot on expenses and one of those has been not taking cabs as often, but oh how I wish I had yesterday. The train came right away thank god, but there were no seats. No seats. Let me paint you a picture- you know how sometimes you see those cracked out people talking to themselves on the streets or on the subway platform and they can barely stand up without hanging onto something? That was me yesterday. And I was hugging the subway pole for dear life while high pitched whining noises whisked up from my throat. If anyone ever sees anyone like that on the subway, please my good fellows! Give the person you’re seat! For they may not be a cracked out villagers- they could very well be the one infecting the whole subway car with strep throat!

Yes, that is correct. I have strep throat. After journeying to the doctors, Duane Reade to fill my prescription, and then up the four flights of stairs to my apartment I immediately passed out on the couch with my coat and boots still on. I remember having strep when I was little, but I don’t remember it being like this. Everything hurts. The inside of my bones hurt. I have been camped out at home now for over 24 hours and though I still feel like complete and utter shit, I no longer believe I am dying. This thing really knocked me off my feet. And I’m more upset about missing four auditions than anything else. Acting doesn’t care if you’re sick. There will always be someone else to take your part. But honestly, even if I had made it to the auditions without passing out, I would have been god awful- raspy voice, pausing every 30 second to spit out junk, unwashed hair, no makeup . . . it would have been frightful. Some things are just not meant to be.

Ok, writing this entry has completely taken the wind out of my sails so I’m going back to sleep. I hope you all are healthy and out loving life today. Because when something like this sneaks up on you . . . it makes you realize how great your normal healthy life is. Live it up people. Live it up.

Living Forever

Why is it that so many of us yearn to be immortalized? I think about all the performers I know- actors, musicians, writers, painters and all of us want to be remembered. In fact, it is one of our driving forces. Is it because we are afraid of death? I know that I’m petrified that in 100 years when I am gone that my story will not live on. Maybe part of this fear is due to me not knowing much about my heritage. Sure I know that I’m part Irish, English, French and German, but who were those people? What were their stories? How did they live?

Maybe that’s why I love telling stories. I want to prove that life is more than just surviving. That life has some kind of infinite meaning that will last even after we’re all gone.

I think I have a bit of a concentration problem. I just realized that as I am typing this blog entry I'm also signing into the SAG website to change my address, updating my calendar to remind myself to pay SAG dues next week, planning a company event for my part time job, checking three of my email accounts, and of course signing into facebook. All at the same time. Literally- I have eight different windows open. No wonder it’s not even 3pm yet and I already want a drink. Yes, I know I’m slightly crazy . . . but aren’t all good artists?

Throwing Punches

New York and I are fighting.  Not just cat fighting- we're full out hair pulling, fist thrusting, knife wielding fighting.  It all started last night when roaches started pouring into the apartment. Ok, maybe not pouring, but nonetheless, they are horrid little creatures that should have disappeared along with the dinosaurs.  Images of roaches crawling all over me in my sleep kept me awake in fear.  When it was time to start getting ready for work, I donned my flip flops, leather jacket, and skinny jeans only to find that it was 45 degrees outside.  Ok, fine. I can deal with a little cold spell.  Then after work, the rain came.  It poured.  Of course I didn't have an umbrella.  

But still, I thought it was ok. I finagled my way through the rain to my promo interview, and looking like a drowned rat (though I prefer mermaid, Miss Catalano) I slid into the elevator like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.  After the interview, I walked home in the pouring rain and bypassed a limping man at the corner of my street.  As I turned the key into my building, the man's limp suddenly disappeared and he started running towards me! Like, a truly jilted New Yorker I ran into the building, shutting the door tightly behind me.  The man then proceeded to loudly bang on the door screaming, "mwaaaah!!! Mwaaah!!! OMG, what the hell was that all about?  Was I about to become a victim of some heinous crime?  Did the craigslist killer get tired of the online scene and start hunting down women in the street? 

Adrenaline kicking, I made my way up the 4 flights of exhausting stairs and flopped down onto my couch.  All I wanted was to sleep, but the thought of roaches was still too strong. The BF came home and provided a good 10 minutes of cuddling, when it was time to get ready for my audition.  Ouch, ouch ouch. The blister on my foot had turned into an ugly, gaping wound oozing stuff that I didn't even know was possible to ooze.  This presented me with quite the conundrum.  It was raining cats and dogs and freezing out but due to the purging I did in the move, the only open-backed shoes I had were flip flops.  Flip flops it would have to be.  

HUGE mistake. Huge.  Times Square was the worst.  I slipped and caught myself from falling a total of nine times.  I walked in puddles so large they should have been classified as lakes.  My gapping wound probably now has a number of third world diseases and I think my foot is going to fall off.  Then a car decided not to follow traffic signals and skidded to a stop half an inch from my body.  Half an inch people!  I could feel the heat of the car, but by this time I was too tired and wet to even give the guy a dirty look.  

Finally making it to the audition (with a thrown out back), I realized I was in an apartment building.  I don't do apartments. I always thought that you should be professional enough to spurge the extra $20 and get a freakin studio.   But, after the epic journey I had getting there, I wasn't going to turn back.   Walking in, I realized that this wasn't just any apartment.  This was a castle.  This was the most beautiful home I have ever seen in New York City.  Hell, if I lived there I would have my castings there too.  My reading wasn't that great though.  I thought I was too overdramatic, but they seemed to like it so I guess that's what matters.  The director liked that I didn't grow up in NYC.  She said that she was looking for someone who wasn't hardened by the city and I quickly assured her that I cry at just about anything around here.  She loved that.  I'm certainly in the right industry.

So, after my audition I made my way down the stairs to get to the subway when I stopped.  There was an entire foot of water standing between me and the entrance.  I'm not exaggerating.  Even my flip flopped infested, rain soaked feet couldn't handle that.  So I ventured back into the rain.  Eventually, after practically walking barefoot through times square, I made it back to my neighborhood.  On the subway on the way there, I almost passed out with dreams of steamy showers to relax my over stressed bones on the stranger's shoulder next to me.  Making my way back to the apartment, I thought no.  I'm not going to let the city win tonight.  I'm not just going to go back to my roach infested apartment to feel sorry for myself when things really aren't that bad.  I'm going out.  So here I am, at a pub typing my feelings while sipping (downing) a Guinness.  NYC isn't that bad.  After all, on the 7th slip in times square, I looked up into the illuminated sky with rain pouring into my face and knew that there was no place I would rather be.  Even if my foot does fall off. 

Just Keep Swimming

It’s one of those days where I want to curl up and sleep for hours. I didn’t sleep a wink last night because to my horror, I discovered that I have cockroaches in my apartment. Huge cockroaches. I was so afraid that they’d crawl on me in my sleep that I tossed and turned all night and now I’m exhausted. I also feel like I’ve come down with the flu, which would totally suck since I thought I made it through the winter safely. I’m about to leave the part time job and go to a promotional interview (I do promos on the side to make extra money- I’ve done everything from dressing up as a scuba diver with a giant 10 foot blow up fish to handing out free bottles of shampoo- yes, this is my life).

Then tonight I have an audition. I really don’t want to go to this audition. A) Because it’s late which is annoying because discount theatre space starts at 7:30pm so I know that they’re cheap, which isn’t an actual problem unless it means that they’re also too cheap to buy actors things like food and water. B) Because this is supposedly for a lead role and the sides consist of three lines. This is the lead and ya couldn’t come up with something better to read than three disjointed lines? C) Because it’s raining out and I have a fever. D) Because enough time will elapse between my interview and the audition for me to go home and take a nap and I’m afraid I won’t be able to wake up for it. E) Because it hurts to walk from the blister I got from those cute spring shoes I was wearing this weekend. F) Because I have a fever. G) Because I have a fever. H) Because I have a fever.

Yes, I know I’m just complaining. Sometimes, you just need to bitch. And it doesn’t help that I failed to realize it was in the 40’s, cold, windy and rainy and I wore flip flops and a beautiful leather jacket today with no umbrella. But in the competitive world of acting, you really can’t afford to take a day off. So I’m going to push through. Just keep swimming.

Addendum- I feel really bad complaining when there are things like war and starvation and hatred and awfulness in the world. Roaches are really nothing compared to that.

Stepping Stones

It is so easy to get overwhelmed in this industry. It's hard to stop focusing on the long term goal and instead focus on short term stepping stones. Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting and reading a scene for director Steve Carr. Steve was so down to earth, knowledgeable and friendly. He knows how to talk to actors which is a special talent as far as directors go. It was an amazing opportunity to be directed for a moment by a major Hollywood director. And the thing is- it felt so normal. So right. It was a breeze. I wasn't even nervous because he was just so damn personable.

So yesterday, I was reading in front of a Hollywood director and today I'm back to my (somewhat) normal life of trying to make ends meet while keeping the dream alive. I saw a glimpse of the big picture, of the long term goal, and I want more. Acting is not just my passion and dream- it is my addiction. Once I have a taste, I always want more. I will not stop until I get to savor that sweet satisfaction.

Stepping stones are the most important part of my life right now. Being so, I'd like to give a shout out to Jagger Kaye of www.CASTINGSnCLASSES.com. Jagger is in the business of providing actors with the best stones to step on. He hosts classes, industry events and he sends out free castings. (Half of what’s on my resume are things that I got through Jagger’s casting service.) Jagger is the one responsible for setting up yesterday’s amazing event for a few actors to meet Steve. As a favor to us actors, and a way to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of his business, he did yesterday’s event for free. I have taken several coaching classes with Jagger and gone to a slew of his industry events and what makes him so special is that he takes each and every one of these events personally. He gets to know all of his students. We're not just numbers to him. We are people that he wants to see succeed. Thank you Jagger for all that you do.

One stepping stone at a time. But oh, how lovely that big picture looks. One stone at a time . . .

Haunted

I never thought I’d say this. Never. I have hated improv ever since I started doing it in the 6th grade. But here it comes. I think. . . I might . . . actually like it. My performance Monday night was so much fun. And curiously, I never even got nervous, which is mind boggling (though that could be due to the shot of tequila I had before the show). It leads me to believe that the reason I get nervous before other shows is because I must fear forgetting my lines. But take away memorization and I’m ready to go! After jokes about orangutan flavored cupcakes (that’s for you JK), slapping of immigrants, and pinching nuns I was pumped. I expected to feel relieved at the end of the performance but instead I wanted more. There are already talks between members of the class to start up an improv troupe and I am planning on registering for some classes at UCB. Yay.

In other news, a ghost is haunting me. Literally. Two summers ago (or was it last summer? I dunno, time is flying by) I played the leading role in a pretty awesome film about a lighthouse keeper. It was based on a real legend that people of the town swear is true. I played the wife of the lighthouse keeper, who cheated on him which led to his death. When we were filming on location I heard voices in a graveyard. Thinking it was just my imagination, I was the butt of many jokes for the rest of the day. But then at night in my hotel room, the TV mysteriously turned on in the middle of the night and guess what was on? You got it- Ghost Hunters. A couple other strange things happened that led me to believe that the film was haunted but now I am certain.

Last night I was over at the apartment of a director friend of mine, "The Kev" looking over my films so he can update my reel. We put the dvd of this very film into the dvd player and the title page popped up as normal. The dvd started playing and then suddenly stopped and went back to the menu page. But wait, this isn't the menu page!!! In place of "Play Movie" it says "THE CREEPY MAN." I swear I am not making this up. It said the creepy man. Not kidding. So my friend The Kev says, "I'm ejecting it- this is freaking me out." The dvd drawer opened and THERE WAS NOTHING THERE! We opened and closed it several times and finally it appeared but then when we moved to grab it, the dvd player quickly shut again and opened to nothing. A.H. (the director of said movie)- I hope you're reading this blog entry. Remember at the film premier you outed me to the audience by saying I was paranoid that I was being haunted? DOES THIS SOUND LIKE PARANOIA TO YOU?!?!?! At least this time I have a witness.

Maybe I can use this sometime in an improv.

Weekend Blur

I’m obsessing over my callback for a film from last Saturday. Every so often a part that really speaks to me comes along and when I’m in the top few to be called back I get way too excited. My callback was good acting wise, though I’m not too sure I looked so great due to zombie partying the night before. But that’s my own fault. I know that they had callbacks in LA too so I’m not getting my hopes up. If anything, it’s cool to know that they liked me enough to call me back.

This past week was crazy. It’s all been a blur to be honest. Thursday was my birthday at Mason Dixon and yes, I rode the bull. And I was really good. I stayed on for awhile until I yelled, “I’m great at this!” in which turn the operator proceeded to quickly up the speed X’s 10. But I didn’t fall off. I gracefully slid off onto my two feet. It was quite an accomplishment.

Friday night was a zombie high school party. Everyone had to dress up like a high school character zombified. The BF was a skater zombie and I was a punk rock zombie. Then we were all picked up in a zombie school bus. It was insane. Like any high school event, getting ready was half the fun. And I have to say that the look of torn fishnets and black shorts kinda grew on me.

Then came Easter Sunday. Oh, Easter. Wherever do I start. I was raised Catholic but don’t really know what I am now. Like many, I have my doubts about religion and am just flat out confused. But, my good ole’ Catholic guilt came out to play on Sunday so I decided to go to Church in honor of Easter. I dragged the BF with me (he was raised Mormon and now is anti-religion, but that’s a blog entry for another time), and we wandered into an interfaith church. Wow. I had never in my life been to anything like this. It wasn’t just church, it was performance art. There was an incredibly diverse crowd and it was awesome to see everyone getting along and singing and dancing and shouting Amen! Then the gospel choir performed and OMG. They were brilliant. Everyone got up and danced and it was about to turn into an all out dance party when the preacher began her sermon. I wish I had a video of this because words are simply not enough at a moment like this. She said that she wanted to clear up something about Mary Magdalene. Mary, according to her, had gotten a bad rap. Then she exclaimed, “Mary was not a ho!” She said ho in church. HO. You definitely wouldn’t have heard that in a Catholic mass!

I’m still damn confused about religion and not sure what I believe, but it was cool to spend an hour with people who were so happy about their spirituality. Then, like true New Yorkers the BF and I had our friends J and B over for a truly religiously diverse Easter. We dyed eggs, ate Haroset (a Jewish Passover food, symbolizing the mortar their forefathers used to build the pyramids), ate steak and potatoes, and guzzled wine. It was extremely satisfying. Today, I have to work the part time job, then PATH train it over to Jersey to film one more thing for my last movie, and then meander over to Times Square for my improv performance. Amusement shall be prevalent. Meanwhile, cross your fingers for me.

Sleepy

Ugh, so tired. Must get up to go out again. I have such a hard life. ;) Sorry for the lame post- I'll write more later.

Birthdays!

Today is my birthday! Now, usually I’m not as excited about this event because for the past six years my birthdays have included: getting in a cat fight with a random girl, being broken up with, getting sick, and just not being that into it. But this year is different. I can feel it. This morning I woke up and the BF presented me with his grand plan of getting me a kitty. We’re picking it out on Saturday and I’m so excited! I’ve never owned an animal except for fish. I’ve been trying for years now to keep plants alive to no avail so let’s hope I do better with the little feral creature.

Last night I went to my first trivia night in the East Village. It was loads of fun and we came in 4th, though it was not due to any help from me. My main move was to nod my head when my team members wrote down an answer, saying “yes, yes it’s definitely that!” I think I actually only really knew one answer. But it was definitely fun and I ran into a friend of mine I used to work with. I’ve been running into people in my neighborhood lately and it’s so nice to start developing a sense of community, which I definitely didn’t have in Queens.

The rest of the week is going to be crazy- tonight is mechanical bull riding for my birthday, Friday night is a Zombie High Party (complete with a zombie school bus), Saturday is an important callback, Sunday is Easter at my place, and Monday is my first improv performance. I’m just loving and living life to the fullest right now. Alrighty, I need to go memorize 30 pages of dialogue for my callback before tonight’s shenanigans begin. Oh, and the weather gods are on my side today! It was snowing yesterday but today it is gorgeous out!

Its a small world after all

It is a small freakin world. Occasionally I will run into (quite literally) people I went to highschool with which is bizarre since I’m from another state, but that seems to happen to everyone in New York. I guess when you jam 8 million people onto a tiny island, you’re bound to run into one another.

Today, I went in for my second photo shoot with a very talented photographer that I’m using to help build my modeling portfolio. I’m in the studio talking to the photographer when I hear a sweet German voice coming from the dressing room. I glance down and see shoes that somehow look familiar. No, it couldn’t be. I shrug off the thought and continue talking to the photographer. All of a sudden I hear the little German voice exclaim, “E?” It was C! My oldest friend in the city who made her debut in this blog only days ago for her surprise birthday party.

C and I met over two years ago while acting in a film where we bonded over freezing our asses off while wearing summer clothing in 20 degree weather. We’ve been friends ever since. It was so funny to see C there shooting with the same photographer, but somewhat familiar and comforting. It’s nice to know that we’re doing the same things and on similar pages with our careers.

Okie doke, I can’t write anymore right now because the BF distracted me by moving some of my papers, which somehow escalated into a huge fight. I always rolled my eyes when people said things about arguing over dirty socks but when you live in such a tight space with someone, conflicts are bound to happen. I need a house. But right now I really need a bath to relax and get all this makeup from my shoot off my face. And BF, if you’re reading this- I heart you hardcore. Xx

PS- My rash is gone :)

Rash???

I have a weird rash on my neck. At first I thought it was from the BF because he and I are literally allergic to one another. Whenever we embrace we subsequently have rashes for the next 20 minutes. But this rash has stayed with me for the past three hours. And I think I may see a tinge of it on my arm. My sternum has been cracking as well. I know I am the biggest hypochondriac ever but I can’t help thinking that something may be deathly wrong. Did I pick something up when I shared that person’s beer bottle? Did I get a weird disease when my friend P drunkenly picked me up and threw me over his shoulder which resulted in us both tumbling down onto a wet NYC street? Did I develop a sudden allergic reaction to (gasp) pizza? Or even worse, alcohol?

Yes, I know I’m a hypochondriac. Last year I went to the doctor because I thought I had a staph infection on my face, only to discover it was a blemish. I’ve had every stomach test known to man done and nothing has turned up. But then there are times, like when I was worried about a few moles when something does turn up. So this is freakin me out. And I have a photoshoot tomorrow which is not going to go well if I have a rash all over my body. If you all don’t hear from me within the week then someone please break into my apartment to make sure I haven’t become fish food.

Contentedness

(This is what happens on a Saturday night when construction workers leave wet pavement in the East Village and E coerces others to leave their mark. )

This weekend was a crazy blur of fun and constructiveness. I picture wrapped my film late Friday night and am sad to be finished with the project. But as I was riding back into Manhattan from set, I took one look at the city skyline glowing in the pitch black sky and a profound happiness set into my soul. I took a deep breath and sighed contentedly. I’m living my dream right now. I’m an actress in New York City, one of the best cities in the world. When I was little, I never dreamed about being rich and famous (ok, maybe I did some of the time,) but what I really dreamed about was living the life of an artist in New York. Sure, I don’t have a lot of money, sure I still consider Mac & Cheese to be an extremely satisfying meal, but I am living my dream. Lately I have not been as stressed about my future- I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing and let the wind blow me in whichever direction the leaves are inspired to take me.

Saturday I had an audition for a TV series which I think went pretty well. I had a bit of a revelation about film/TV acting during one of my past ambien induced hallucinations and I’ve actually been feeling a lot better about my acting ever since. Saturday night was my good friend, C’s surprise birthday party. It was very cool to see C shocked to see so many people she loved in the same room at the same time. She had been bummed because she thought we all forgot about her birthday which made it even sweeter.

Then on Sunday, I had an awesome photoshoot in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Walking around Williamsburg on a Sunday afternoon is nothing short of awesome- artists thrive there. There were people selling books, paintings, jewelry, and singing and playing the drums throughout the street. The loft I shot in was AMAZING. Light was pouring in from every angle with a view of the East River below. After my shoot, I made my way over to a chocolate bar for another good friend, LL’s birthday. There have been a lot of birthdays this month and mine is THIS THURSDAY, so the BF has a lot to live up to! Hint hint, BF.

All in all, I have to say I am very content right now. And if nothing else, at least my initials will forever be immortalized on a little patch of sidewalk in the great East Village.

The 'rents

This week has proven to be very busy and eventful, but surprisingly, perhaps the most calming aspect of it was a visit from my parents. I've moved around the world by myself so many times, that I learned to put my family and best friends in a little pocket and shove them into a remote corner of my mind so I don't miss them too terribly. I think that by doing this however, I ended up missing them even more. Seeing my Mom and Dad in New York City did not feel out of place at all. It seemed like they almost belonged, which is pretty ironic since my Mom grew up on a farm. But then again, the BF grew up in the country too and he loves the city. It just felt so right to have a missing piece of me here in the city that I so love.

I hadn't realized until my parents left, how lonely NYC can be. I am so close to so many people around the world, and yet I haven't seen some of them in years. I value my independence and ability to make friends anywhere, but continuing relationships with past friends on only a keyboard and mouse just isn't as satisfying as being physically present. This is the life I chose though, and one day I hope to have the means to visit everyone whenever I like.

On another note, I had a blast filming all day yesterday and am excited to go back to set this evening. I love the entire cast and crew of my film. I did however, completely sunburn my face while waiting for my scene to be shot. Now, there will probably be two random scenes in the movie where I have a bright red face, lol. Opps! Sorry S! S, the makeup artist warned me not to get too comfy in the sun . . . maybe I should start listening to people :)

I know how to be Angry!

I just had the weirdest audition. The audition itself, I thought went well, though I’m pretty sure it was being run by the mafia. I thought I had a pretty good reading and left the building, hopping down the stairs and into the street. One of the producers then proceeded to chase me into the street yelling in a very Tony Soprano voice, “E, step aside! We need to tawk.” Oh ok! This conversation then ensued:

Mafia Producer: I like ya, I like yur look and I think you’d be great. But I need you to do something fur me. I need you to email the director and tell him you want to come in and audition again. Because you needed to be angrier in the scene.

Me: Oh, um, well I can go back in and do that right now if you’d like.

MP: (In Tony’s best condescending tone) Hunny, you should’ve done that when you were in there.

Me: Oh. Usually people ask actors to make adjustments when they’re in the audition room.

MP: Just please email him. Because I can’t pick ya even though I wanna. (holds up his hand) Hit me.

Me: What?

MP: Hit me!

Me: I’ve hit men before, I know how to be angry. (All of you reading this who know me personally, stop laughing now!)

MP: I said hit me!

Me: Ok! (I proceed to slap his hand.)

MP: Again!

Me: (Now I’m kinda pissed) Fine! (I slap the sh*t out of his hand)

MP: That it! Did you see that? That’s it!

And then the Mafia Producer exits as quickly as he came.


What just happened?!?!?! Anyone? Anyone?!?!

I'm off to my next audition. Hopefully this one will be more normal, though that's doubtful as it's about a sex addicted dominatrix. We shall see.

(btw, since I am writing about auditions and I don’t want certain people to know, if you do know me personally and want to comment, please don’t use my real name. But please comment! Thanks ya’ll!)

Control

This detox isn’t working. I have no self control. I’ve only been doing it for a few hours and I already broke down and drank a cup of coffee. I feel like I have little control with any part of my life right now.

I have so much passion and so much ambition and I just don’t know where to put it all. I’m doing all or the “right” things. I’m going to agent seminars, taking classes with casting directors, and inviting agents to all of my shows. The problem is that they a) aren’t looking for new clients at the moment, b) already have 5 clients of my “type”, and c) don’t come to any of the shows. I need to start thinking outside the box. Hmm, perhaps I can stand outside of an agent’s building and start screaming my monologue?

It’s not that I’m not getting work- I am. And I love every second of all the acting jobs I’m doing. But there aren’t enough. I still have to have a “survival” job, I still have to handle the business side of things solo, and I still feel as though I have no control over where I could be or what I’ll be doing tomorrow.

The economy isn’t helping any either. I went from having an average of 8 auditions a week to 2 a week (although I do have two today, so maybe things are looking up). And the fact that we’re still working without a SAG contract means that many people are now going with non-union actors instead of us unionized actors.

But I’m still trying to remain positive! I have very high hopes for the film that I’m currently in and am so excited for the two remaining days of shooting we have. I just hope that another satisfying project comes up again soon after.

In the meantime, I think I’ll make up my own detox. One that actually involves food.