One Day I'll Write an Entry When I'm Actually Sober

Lol, well apparently xanax and sad music equals bad poetry. It's always funny reading what you wrote in the light of day.

This morning was amazing. I walked to work for the last time with snow coming down all around me. It was majestic. I took my time, taking pictures along the way. Yes, I even asked a stranger to take a photo of me. I had to document the end of an era.

I feel very weird right now. Part of that could be beacuse I just downed half a beer at work in the about 30 seconds, but I'm pretty sure I'd feel weird without it. Life is all of a sudden more vivid. Everything is clearer.

Tonight is my last NYE in NYC. Well who knows, but it could be the last. It's going to be Epic.

The cool thing about the end of an era is that another one begins. 2010 is going to be amazing. I can feel it in the air. I think it's very appropriate that the last day of my job is the last day of the year. Four years ago tomorrow is when I moved to NYC. It's been full of just about every emotion you can describe. I lived here. Truly lived. And now I'm going to live life to the fullest in LA.

Goodbye 2009. It's been interesting. But 2010 is going to kick your ass.

Xanax + Sad Music = Time to Write Some Poetry

Hard exterior starts cracking

to reveal a vulnerability

That has been deeply hidden

Under the folds of my heart

Not sure what direction I'm flying

Everything now flashes in a blur

Passing by and all around me

Never stopping for a second

Need to catch my breath

Need to slow down

But I keep on going

Spinning Faster and Faster

Can't keep up with the feelings

Creeping up and pushed back down

But the more they are ignored

The angrier they become

The cracks become deeper

to reveal something raw inside

Both Beautiful and Ugly

Fighting to the surface

Wanting to get out

all you can do is breathe . . .

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Back Burner

I realize I haven't been writing as much lately and I apologize for that. The truth is, I'm not sure what to write about anymore. My whole life has been turned upside down and around and my personal life is in such turmoil that I can't even think about my professional life at the moment. I keep hoping things will be different in LA. I'll have a fresh start. A new life. I'm leaving in a week +1 day and I still don't know where I'm living, how I'm getting a car, or how to make money. I just have a one way plane ticket and two cats. And a shit ton of clothes. I'm leaving behind some really awesome friends- the best really- and that makes me sad. I'm letting go of any resemblance to stability that I once had. It's scary.

And exciting.

Despite all of this, I am actually pretty happy at the moment. People keep expecting me to be mopey and distraught, but I have an inner calm that comes with starting my new life. I know things are going to work out. I'm going to make it one way or another. I always find a way. And I absolutely cannot wait for warmer weather. Things are going to be good. I can feel it.

I just need to find a place to live first. The writing will come later.

Freaking Out

Am currently freaking out because I have to pick up a cargo van in a couple hours and park it . . . double park it . . . in a snow bank. . . by myself. . . . and I haven't driven in a few years . . . a car let alone a huge van . . . and I've never driven in NYC . . . and I can't stop using dot dot dots . . . Ok goodbye now. . .

I'm Doing It

So, this is hard. Really hard. It’s difficult to imagine starting one’s life over from scratch. But that is pretty much exactly what I’m doing. Nothing that has been familiar or stable to me over the past few years is remaining the same. My job, my relationship, my city. Everything is changing. It feels scary, it feels horrible and sad, but it also feels right. Deep down in my soul, I know this is something that needs to be done. I need this change of environment to jumpstart my creativity. I need to get that passion for life back. I don’t know when it left or why but I’m hoping LA will help me find it.

I just got off the phone with my friend G, and she said, “If you’re doubting yourself- don’t. There is a difference between people who talk about doing it and people who actually do it. You’re doing it.”

I’m doing it. And I feel that good things are going to happen. No matter how hard it is now. And at the very least, I’ll probably have some good stories to tell.

One Hot Mess

I have to say that I think I am dealing with this breakup with much more grace than any breakup in the past. I guess it just shows how much I’ve grown up over the past few years. Yes, you read that correctly: break up. The BF of over five years and I have decided to part ways. That accounts for the lack of posts lately. I just haven’t been able to talk about it. I am extremely sad and love him very much, but it just isn’t right. Not right now anyway. I am still fiercely protective over him so unless you want to be on my bad side, please do not say anything negative about him. And out of respect for both of us and our relationship, I am not going to delve into the details here. He is a good man and I am a good woman. We just were no longer good together.

Though we both see that its time to separate, that doesn’t mean this is easy. Oh no. I learned on Day One that I needed to start rocking the waterproof mascara instead of the regular stuff. There is no telling when I am about to break out into tears. It could be when I’m checking my email at work, when I’m walking down the street, or when I’m about to go to sleep at night. Just the other day, my cat scratched me and I laid down on the floor and bawled like a baby for 15 minutes. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through. After five years, the term “break up” seems too pat. (I really hate that term, “too pat” but read it in a script recently and it seems very apropos at the moment). It’s more like a divorce.

It doesn’t help that my entire life is changing in unimaginable ways. I gave my two weeks notice at MHDJ, which though I complain about, has been just about the only constant work in my life since moving to New York. I am moving to LA. I don’t know where I will live in said city. I don’t know how I will get around and need to purchase a car. I have no money. I need to move out of my apartment here and rent a storage unit. But storage units cost $250 a month and there’s no way I’m paying that unless I’m living in it too. Add on top of that a couple health scares and I am one hot mess. Don’t even get me started on what I am going to do about health insurance.

Yes, a hot mess just about covers it all. I’m scared and confused and lonely. But I have to keep punching forward. It is times like these that define who we are. And I need to come out on top. Regardless of how many tubes of waterproof mascara I may need to buy.

Pioneers! O Pioneers! By Walt Whitman

Come my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!

For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we and piercing deep the mines within,
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental
blood intervein'd,
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the Northern,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O resistless restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult, I am rapt with love for all,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress,
(bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang'd and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon'd mistress,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

See my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions frowning there behind us urging,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

On and on the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly fill'd,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill'd.
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the pulses of the world,
Falling in they beat for us, with the Western movement beat,
Holding single or together, steady moving to the front, all for us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Life's involv'd and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores amid the shadows, with the apparitions pressing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Lo, the darting bowling orb!
Lo, the brother orbs around, all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait behind,
We to-day's procession heading, we the route for travel clearing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you daughters of the West!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands, you may rest, you have done your work,)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Not for delectations sweet,
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious,
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock'd and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call--hark! how loud and clear I hear it wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!--swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Stuck

I'm going through a major quarter life crisis right now. Quarter life crisis doesn't even begin to explain it. What in God's name am I doing with my life? Do I seriously think that I am going to be in the .01% that makes it in the acting world? I have gotten so close SO many times but keep falling back down to the ground. This is insane. Am I really going to be miserable for the rest of my life, sulking on the sofa when I don't have auditions or any kind or work, just wondering how the hell I'm going to pay my bills? I'm tired of sulking and I'm tired of hopelessly longing for it. I am at my wits end. Actually, no. I am past my wits end. I literally told a doctor the other day that I wondered if I should check into a mental hospital and she said that they would never take me. Mental hospitals don't even want me!!!!

I need to get out of here. I just don't know where "here" is. I'm being delusional if I think LA is going to be any better. But I know I have to try. I just have to get out of this unhealthy frame of mind I've been in for the past few months. I have wasted so much time on my couch in front of the TV. I just don't know how to get out of this stupid quarter life crisis funk.

I know, whah whah, my life is so hard. I get it. I know that I have it good. So why can't I just be happy? Is it that freakin hard? I know it's annoying that I'm just bitching about my life when so many people have it worse than me. I'm just stuck right now. Really stuck. Googling the meaning of life isn't helping and neither are those career quizzes that are all over the internet. I don't know anyone personally who has made it in my industry that started out like me, and the last therapist I saw fell asleep while I was talking to him. I'm on my own here. No one can help me get unstuck except for myself.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am writing this from the BF's grandmother's house in MD where I have found myself twiddling my thumbs for the past couple days. Normally I love the quiet solitude of the country, but for some reason I am finding myself restless this time. Probably because so much of my life is about to change and I'm eager to get started on it.

We have come to the day where everyone is supposed to go around their table and say what they are thankful for. I am thankful for so much. I have a wonderful life and am surrounded by great people. I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head and good food to eat, especially when so many people in the world do not. But . . . I'm feeling restless. There is a turmoil in my soul that I have been trying to quiet but it keeps getting louder. Maybe that's why I'm eager to get back to nyc. The outside turmoil on the streets matches that of my soul. I need to get started on the next phase of my life. 2010 (can you believe it's already almost 2010???) is going to be a good era. I need to focus more, concentrate on living my life to the fullest.

That being said, this year I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I love so many people in my life and am so grateful to have all of you. Now go eat some good food and reflect on all the things you're thankful for. There are so many.

30 ROCK(S)!

I broke bread with the cast of 30 Rock yesterday. I don't think I've ever been star struck, but this came pretty close. When I first saw members of the cast I didn't even think twice because I see them every Thursday night in my living room and feel like we're good friends. Of course, they have no clue who I am nor do they probably care, but it was a comforting feeling.

Jane Krowkowski said my name. Lutz and I joked about a dried fish on the table. Kenneth told me he was going to throw his pumpkin pie on the floor so I couldn't have any and I told him he was cruel. And the best moment of all . . . I was standing behind Tina Fey in line for Thanksgiving Turkey and turkey grease was accidentally splashed on her hand. She looked at me and then licked her hand in true Tina fashion. Then I told her that she had some in her hair and she laughed and said, "conditioner." I seriously love her. She is so funny even in real life. But she's serious too in a way that let's you know that she is smart and knows what she is doing.

It's so important for females to have a role model in this industry and I don't think I really had one until Tina. She's an amazing writer, actress, comedian, and producer. I mean just look at everything she's done in the past 10 years. And she's a wife and a mother. She has worked hard to be where she is and she is truly an inspiration.

I know I sound slightly obsessed but I am just so happy to finally have someone to look up to in this industry. It gives me hope. And in this crazy world, sometimes hope is all you need.

My Love Letter to Tina Fey

Just got a call to do stand in work tomorrow on 30 Rock for Jane Krokowski and the other blonde. I usually tend to shy around any kind of extra or stand in work because it just depresses me but I said yes without hesitation to this because I think 30 Rock may just be the best thing since sliced bread. And I love Kenneth. And as a stand in, sometimes you get to say the characters lines during rehearsal. Don't get me wrong, no one can play Jenna Maroney better than Jane Krokowski, but I'm not above dreaming of brilliantly saying a line like no other actor ever has and them saying, "Oh my goodness, we have to create a contract role for her! She's incredible! We should bow to her and her amazingness! Tina! Tina, get over here and write her in the show!"

Hey, a girl's gotta dream. But in all seriousness I will just be honored to be on a set of a show that Tina Fey created. She's kinda an idol to me. A far away mentor if you will. I don't think there is another single show on TV that I feel that way about. I LOVE YOU TINA! I LOOOOVE YOU!!!!

Maybe I should keep that last part to myself.

Too Tired

PS: I was totally on TV the other day being interviewed and while I was waiting for it to begin I FELL ASLEEP.

Yeah, I missed it. I think this is a sign that I need to calm down a bit and take it easy. Either that, or it was really bad and it's a good thing I didn't see it.

The Other Woman

My Mom just sent me an email wondering where in the world I was because I haven't been blogging :) I'm fine, just getting over a stomach virus. I sure hope I get my appetite back before Thanksgiving because I plan on eating copious amounts of pumpkin pie. In the meantime, I will leave you with a photo project that I participated in: Sandra Rodriguez MyArtSpace

I make such a good woman's other woman. ;)

Coffee Costs 99 Cents

I just saw a casting that offered "coffee" as payment. People aren't even paying with real food anymore. Ayiyiy. My photoshoot yesterday went great. I can't wait to see the pictures. Ok, not much more going on here today. I have an audition later today for a webseries about flirting with guys. I'm pretty sure this one'll be simple ;)

Now is the Winter of Our Discontent

(Ok, I know it's not winter quite yet but just go with it.)

To say I've been confused about life lately is an understatement. I've been saying for awhile that some sort of change is happening but I guess that change is coming from within me, not necessarily outside forces. I think part of my recent discontent is that though I've done dozens of indie films, I have yet to see a completed one that I proud of my performance in. I am never satisfied with my work when I see it onscreen. There is always something more I could have done or something I shouldn't have done at all. I guess it's like that with any artist though . . . your work never seems to be complete.

I also think that I need to find a hobby. Because constantly obsessing over my next gig is driving me crazy. So . . . rock climbing? Sky diving? Adopting a billion kittens in my tiny apartment? I need something . . .

And on that note, I have to go get ready for a photoshoot. Should be fun. I play a lesbian flirting with another girl in a bar. I'm actually friends with the girl I'll be flirting with so I'm sure good times and hilarity will ensue. And with that, I will leave you with a little tidbit of a conversation between me and my friend, N at MHDJ on Friday:

ME: I just love when people insult my intelligence. News Flash: I'm actually pretty smart.

N: It's because you are an actress and in the old days they were dumb prostitutes.

And scene.

I Talk Too Much

I had an interview for the JacBoxer show today at New York's Public Access Station. Not knowing what to prepare for, I went in with an open mind. He asked me questions about being an actress, actors I look up to, early childhood experiences, and even sports. (Why does everyone ask me about sports whenever I'm interviewed??? Is it just so they can make fun of my teams? Redskins/Orioles.) Another common topic in recent interviews has been my love life: What do I look for in a man, what relationship am I in now, and have I ever had a French boyfriend (how the hell did they know to ask that?!?!)

Anyway, those of you who know me personally know that I have this mouth. I talk and talk and talk. And most of the time I'm talking when I shouldn't. When I'm nervous, my natural reaction isn't to shut up like most people, it's to spurt out word vomit. I even had a monologue in high school titled, "I talk too much." So, for the second time in two weeks, I have no idea what I said in another interview. The magic is all in the editing, so let's hope they edit together the less embarrassing points.

On a totally separate note- I have the cutest cats in the entire world. Jimmy is curled up with me right now purring like a madman. I don't know what I'm going to do without them in LA. After all, no matter what else happens, they don't care how much I talk.

I Need a Steak

(I forced the BF and a couple friends to carve pumpkins with me before Halloween)

I was talking to a friend this weekend who was up from Baltimore and she mentioned how she would love to move to New York but not until she could afford the lifestyle she wanted. That got me thinking. When I first moved here, I loved being the starving actress. The brooding misunderstood artist. The one throwing caution to the wind for a dream that I would make come true. I didn’t care that I had no retirement plan or that I was eating Ramin noodles or cereal every night for dinner, (although that changed once the BF moved up because he keeps me well fed). I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world because I knew what I wanted and was going after that.

I still feel lucky, but I am getting over this whole poor thing. In truth, it’s becoming quite a drag. It’s getting old having to make up excuses as to why I can’t go out with my better off friends in order to avoid having that awkward money conversation (Remember that episode of “Friends” where money -or lack there of in Joey and Phoebe’s case- almost broke up their friendship? Yeah, not gonna let that happen). I want to go out for a good steak now and then, but with the downfall of the economy and sheer lack of acting gigs, that hasn’t happened in a long while. Of course, a lot of this could be avoided by moving back to Brooklyn or Queens, but I quite like my village apartment. . . I just wish it didn’t have a leaky ceiling and mold problem.

Anyway, I’m not quite sure what my point is here. Just that somethings got to give. I’m getting too old to still be giving home-made presents at Christmas time or to be squeezing under the subway turnstiles when no ones looking. I find that the people who love New York the most are the ones who have money to enjoy it. So, I’m sending it out into the universe- I’m ready for something big. Let’s do this thing. It’s time to get the ball rolling. I just can't make steak the way restaurants do.

Gross

Work Halloween party last night for my part time job. I saw way too many boobs and underwear for a work event. I'll never look at some of the managers the same way again.

Another Crazy Character . . .

Aw Man, being sick totally sucks! I've had a weird stomach thing and horrible headache going on for three days now, and me being the hypochondriac that I am, think that maybe I have the Mumps. Why? Because it's going around in NYC. Someone brought it over from across the pond in England and I have ALL the symptoms. Of course, the symptoms are the same as for a cold but that's not nearly stressful enough for me.

Anywoo, I took my sick self over to the west side last night to audition for a short film for the Public Access Station in New York. The role is that of a schizophrenic bi-polar girl who is in a therapy session. I really like the character because I don't actually think she's crazy at all- I think that she just thinks too much about how small of a particle she is in the grand scheme of the world. Anyway, I booked the role which is cool, especially since it'll be shot with a three camera set-up which I haven't done before, BUT I was told by the writer/producer that because it's for a public access station they don't have to go through my union. . . which I think may not be the case. I know that interviews done for Public Access or any show do not have to go through the union, but this isn't an interview- this is acting.

Sooo I'm not sure what to do. I guess I need to call my union to check but I suspect they're going to say it still has to go through them. Which means it may never happen. But we shall see. I hope that it does happen because I really like to script and can really relate to the character (yes, I realize I just opened myself up to all kinds of "crazy" jokes).

After my audition, the producer/writer asked me if he could interview me for his show. He apparently has his own show that's on at 1am on Monday or Tuesday nights. I said yes and we proceeded with the interview. . . which lasted an hour. I'm not really sure what the heck I said because like I said, I've been pretty sick. I do believe I gave a shout out to my Mom and Dad (and to their business www.winetrailtraveler.com), and told him all about the BF. Which inevitably led to the question, "Is marriage in the future?" So much for keeping my personal life private if I ever do make it big. I need to remember not to take cold medicine before an interview again.

We talked about sports, actors, movies, and everything across the board. I'm pretty sure that I pissed off all of New York by saying that I hate the Yankees . . . too bad I later found out this is broadcast only in New York and LA. Oops. I need a PR person. You just never know what drivel is going to come out of my mouth.

And on that note, I'm going to stop typing and try to figure out what to make/order for dinner since smelling the cats' food is making me hungry. That may sound gross, but have you ever tried baby food as an adult? Because cat food is MUCH better tasting. But that's another story for another rainy day.

This stream of consciousness I have going here is making me think I may have more in common with my new character than I originally thought. Or maybe it's just the Mumps talking.

Walkin On A Cloud

(Me on the red carpet for the first time.)

What a surreal weekend. I was a bit nervous about my first red carpet premier. I wasn't really sure what to expect or what the scope of this thing would be. I went out to dinner with a few friends first, had a glass of wine to calm my nerves, and then headed over to the movie theatre. In NYC standards, this theatre was HUGE. I spotted it from far away with the title of my movie scrolling along on the marquee. Here we go, I thought. I was excited and nervous . . . and the night far exceeded my expectations.

I checked in my entourage of four friends and then made my way over to the red carpet entrance. I was ushered right to the front since I was the female lead in the movie and after a minute was sent right in. OMG. Six or seven paparazzi awaited me and as I began posing shouted: Over here! Right here love! Look at me! One over here! Just look over here! WTF. I just kept thinking, "this is so weird." I know, this is what movie stars deal with and all, but I never expected it this soon for such a low budget indie that I did. One of them commented, "Oh yeah, she's done this before." But, no I hadn't. Yes, I've modeled and been around countless cameras, but this was my first time on the red carpet. The only reason I looked like I knew what I was doing was from watching the red carpet entrances for awards shows from behind a TV since I was little.

Once that surreal and incredibly weird moment happened, I walked into the lobby of the theatre and was quickly grabbed for a TV interview. I have no idea what I said but I know I sounded scary because my voice has been lost for the past few days and whatever it was came out in strained croaks. But even so, I couldn't stop smiling. I was grinning from ear to ear. Even when I was on the red carpet I was smiling so much because I was actually laughing at how ridiculous this all was. Ridiculous in a good way. Ridiculous in the way that this is what I've always wanted and it is finally starting to happen. It felt amazing to be acknowledged for my work. I was walking on a cloud.

Once I got into the theatre where the movie was playing, I was surprised to find that it was almost completely packed. I still don't know who those people were or how they heard about the movie but it was full to the brim. Every time I came on screen I just started smiling again at the ridiculousness that I was actually the person up there on the gigantic screen. It was just so bizarre and so cool.

Afterwards, an agent came up to me and said that she thought I was actually English (I play an MI-6 agent in the film) and that I could get a lot of work. A few other people came up to me and for once I felt that I was the schmoozer instead of the schmoozee. (Or is that the other way around? Anyway, you get my point.) The afterparty was at a new spiffy club and tons of people from sports players to everyday Joes made an attempt to say hi. It was of course very cool but at the same time made me a bit sad for society, because these were people who would not have given me the time of day if they hadn't just seen my movie. The movie was also playing on some screens in the club and every time I came on, I grabbed my friend Catalano (who was up visiting from MD) and said, "look that's me, that's me!!!"

So, maybe I'm supposed to play this whole thing cool and act like it's no big deal to me, but it is. I feel that this is the beginning of something special. No, it wasn't a huge Hollywood premier with tons of celebs but it was a pretty big stepping stone that I will never forget. Now, it's time to come down from the clouds and be back in the real world . . . for now.

My Crazy is My Norm

Friday afternoon, I snuck out of MHDJ, made my way on the subway (which was an adventure as always since uptown trains were only going express and I of course was on a local track) to port authority. I rushed through the crowds down to the line going to Baltimore, waited impatiently in line, and finally plopped down in my seat with relief. I had decided that since I finally had a free Saturday I was going home to visit my pregnant bff Tee and soak in some fresh Maryland air. As soon as I got to my parent’s house I took a walk outside and laid in the backyard grass, starring up at the trees blowing in the wind.

What a difference four hours can make. The hustle and bustle of New York seemed worlds away as I felt a calm breeze blow over me and my whole body relax. Looking up into the sky, I pondered at how it is so much easier for me to have some kind of faith while in Maryland but not in NYC. I don’t know if it’s because my family is there or if it’s because it’s full of nature, but something akin to spirituality hit me that I would typically scoff at in New York. It was just a calm sort of happiness that I hadn’t felt in ages. I miss that. I love New York and think it’s an amazing city, but I think I ultimately need to find a place with nature. I want to have a front porch that I can swing on while sipping a glass of wine after dinner. I want a farm with goats and chickens and pet pigs, dogs, and cats. More than any of that though, I want to act so that pretty much limits me to Connecticut or the mountains of California.

Seeing my oldest friend pregnant was surprisingly not weird. I know it was exactly what she’s always wanted and she is at a perfect place in her life and I am so happy for her. It's easy to compare myself to others (especially via facebook) and wonder if I should be doing similar things at this point in my life. But that’s not for me. Neither is remodeling a house like my other bff from highschool, getting married, or thinking about retirement funds. And you know what? I’m ok with that. One day maybe I'll have the house and the kids and all that stuff but right now I like never knowing what's happening day to day, meeting up with friends on random nights, living in sin, and living this crazy dream. Maybe people may think I'm delaying grown up life, but who cares. I like it.

And speaking of "the dream," I woke up in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday to rush back on a bus to nyc for the first day of filming my "gatekeeper" role. I'm really liking this whole white wig and fishnets thing.

One day relaxing in Maryland and the next wearing crazy clothes and telling someone they can't enter eternity until they find their soul. Yeah, I'm pretty happy at the moment.

Naturally Evil

Thursday night I took an awesome class with Bob Lambert, the casting director of under 5's (under 5 lines) for All My Children. Now, I usually don't use people's real names in this blog but I will with Bob because he’s amazing- and I kinda think we’re kindred spirits but I’ll leave that for another time. I highly recommend taking his class if you're interested in getting into soaps at all. He spent an hour basically talking about the audition process and shooting schedule for soaps because they are so different than regular TV shows. Then he screen-tested the whole class and critiqued us and then we watched our performances. And do you know what his comment was for mine? "Wow, that was great!" . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . "You just have this natural evilness that is really fun to watch!"

Wait, what?

I smiled and thanked him and sat back down in my chair wondering if it is true that I am naturally evil. I mean, I don't think I am, but what if I am? Do evil people know that they're evil? Or are they people like me, unsuspecting of their darker nature until someone else points it out to them? I decided that no, I'm not naturally evil, I'm just a good actress. . . although that could be a cop out for further self psychological probing. I also left wondering if people who aren’t good actors even know it. Because to be honest, I’ve taken a couple classes where there are a few actors who are pretty horrid, and the teacher doesn’t even mention it. Could I be one of those people? I mean someone would have mentioned it by now, right? RIGHT?!?!?

No wonder actors are so crazy. Our business relays so heavily on sense of self. That and the chances of getting a contract role on a soap are 1 in 40,000.

Flonasing Through Life

Update to the previous post- I booked BOTH jobs that I auditioned for last Tuesday! woot woot! The other is a fun web series about a bunch of 20 somethings trying to live their dreams in NYC. I play the girl that sleeps her way to the top (and before the question even pops into your head- no I am nothing like her in that regard!) I haven't done a webseries yet and am excited to be part of the current movement in the entertainment industry as everyone moves toward TV on the web.

In other news . . . I went to the allergist today and got 20 shots in my arm. No, I'm not talking about the little pricks you get when they do regular testing. That was a summer's breeze compared to this. No, in this testing, they give you a shot in the arm and then DO IT AGAIN NINETEEN MORE TIMES. My entire arm is a bloody swollen mess right now. Ok, ok there's not too much blood, but it's more than I'd like to see.

And here's the kicker- ready for it? I'm highly allergic to my babies. (For those of you who aren't normal blog readers, no I am not referring to miniature humans, I am talking about my kittens). My little sweet peas that snuggle with me every night and burrow their faces in my neck. Those snuggly little (well not so little in Jimmy's case- he's a whopping 10 lbs and only 7 mo. old) furballs are what has been causing my sneezing and watery eyes and all that other fun stuff that comes with allergies.

No, I will not be parting with them. I will however be getting an air filter and using flonase everyday. We can't have my nose running all over the place as I lay draped over producers in my upcoming role. Or as I am telling someone that they're dead and soulless . . . well a little nose flem might not be too bad for that one.

Yin and Yang

I have many times mentioned the ups and downs of the entertainment industry. Nothing exemplifies this yin and yang more than the past 24 hours for me. Yesterday I was cursing the entertainment gods for their cruelty and today I am joyously thanking them. Why do you ask?

Yesterday I had two auditions, 1 for a feature film and 1 for a web series. After both auditions I shook my head wondering if I'm rusty, out of "acting" shape if you will. Like I've mentioned it's been extremely slow lately. I've never had this few of auditions, even when I first moved here. Damn economy needs to bounce back soon!

So, anyway back to my yin and yang, my balancing act of light and dark. I just received a phone call from the feature film audition yesterday and I booked it!!!! Woohoo!!!!! My part is only being shot over a time span of 3 or 4 days but that is 3-4 days where I get paid to do what I love. And when I do, I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. That is what makes the horrible days worth it. It may seem like there are more dark days than good, but the light of the good outshines the dark in a powerful way.

Umm yeah did I mention that my new character is the gatekeeper to "Eternity?" I think I'm already speaking in her terms. Expect some very philosophical entries for the next month :)

Not so Anonymous

I just spent 45 minutes on an entry entitled "This Sucks . . . by Anonymous" only to delete it because I'm afraid of offending certain people that I've worked with in my industry. And that really sucks. I should be able to say whatever I want to without having to censor myself. But I suppose it doesn't work that way. They can use and abuse me but I still have to play nice just on the off chance that they want to use and abuse me again.

This really does suck . . . but this entry is not anonymous.

ARRGGHHHHHHH!!!

Oh anger. Oh such anger. And I can't even write about what I'm angry about on the off chance that the people I'm so angry with will read it Suffice it to say, you can't trust anyone in this industry. It's every man (woman) for themselves and nothing that is said matters unless it is signed and notarized.

I'm totally not expecting LA to be any better- in fact it will probably be worse in the promise keeping department but at least it will be warm. Motherf***ers.

And my hands look old today.

Such Anger.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I am very sorry I haven't written in you in the past week. Please do not feel neglected. I have been doing promotions for the past 2 weeks and am in a weird state of mind due to copious amounts of rude people and me being "escorted" off of several premises. At one point I wondered if the company I was working with would bail me out of jail if I was arrested on their account. Gotta love gorilla marketing.

I plan on shaking off my weird mood very soon. Perhaps at a photoshoot that I have scheduled for this weekend. I'm actually paying for this one because I love the photographer's work and he's going to help me revamp my headshots, portfolio, and compcards.

In the meantime I'm going to sulk about how little money I have and how all I want to do is sleep when I'm not working. Yes, I know there are many worse things in the world, but let me keep my pity party up for just a wee bit longer.

Thank you for understanding blog.

Sincerely yours,
E

Windy Day

Today is a windy cold day in New York. It baffles my mind that it is still technically summer for another four days. I had to take Fergie to the Animal Hospital today to get spayed and there were no cabs (which is shocking, really) so I walked there in the wind while the poor thing shivered :( They're keeping her overnight and it's the first time she's been away from home so I'm a bit sad and anxious.

In other news, I'm done with Fashion Week, finally. After work today I'm going home and taking a looong nap. And watching Robin Hood. Not much more to report. Sorry for being so boring this week. I guess that's what happens when you let survival jobs consume you.

I'll write more after I come out of hibernation.

I am Robin Hood

In a phone call to a friend last night, she said that a wise man once said to leave New York before it makes you too hard. I’ve been working at Fashion Week for the past week and it has been utter hell. The majority of the people that go into the tent are some of the greediest, most selfish and manipulative people I have ever met in my life. So many of them have this incredible sense of entitlement that I’ve never before experienced. People on the street aren’t much better. Hint* When someone asks you if you would like a gourmet cookie, the proper response is “No, thank you,” not to give dirty looks and not to walk by completely ignoring the fact that someone is speaking to you.

After four days of dealing with greedy, self-righteous people while wearing uncomfortable high heels, I was on the brink of insanity. (btw, why the company spent $400 on Nicole Miller dresses for us and then went to Rampage to buy $20 shoes, is beyond me. If you know your employees are going to be standing in heels for 8 hrs and you obviously have the money then take care of them!) Another friend of mine is working this promotion with me and last night when we got out she and I had a long conversation about how terrible people are, how exhausted we both were, and how sore our throats were. Then I decided, that not all people can be bad and I was going to make my way home and seek out the ones who were good.

Then a man ran a cart into me and screamed, “FUCK YOU BITCH!”

I’m not saying that anywhere else in the world is going to be better, but I’m sure glad that I’m getting out of here in January. I love this city and all it has to offer, but I need a break.

I’ve recently been watching the 3rd season of Robin Hood on the BBC and I’ve decided that I am going to be more like him. I will take from the rich and give to the poor . . . well, ok maybe not exactly but I aspire to be kinder and more helpful to those in need. I won’t let New York harden me. I’ll only let it make me a better person.

The Cockroaches Are Coming

I just looked at my calendar and realized it’s already Thursday. And I’m an idiot. I thought I had a casting today and got all ready for it, only to find that it was yesterday. At least it was for modeling and not acting, but it still sucks because I haven’t been on an audition in awhile. And I HATE feeling irresponsible. Hate it.

I’ve been floundering around for the past week, not really sure what to do with myself. I’ve opened countless “acting” books from college, decided I want new headshots, looked with misery at my bank account in realization that I can’t afford new headshots, and stared out the window for an entire hour. Oh, and I also witnessed my kitten eating a cockroach. Yummy.

I need to get the ball rolling. Or maybe, I’m just reserving my energy for the next week since Fashion Week just began and starting tomorrow I’ll be working 12 hour days between FW and MHDJ for a week. The transition between summer and fall has always been a hard one for me. I so badly want the lazy hot days of summer to stay, and though it’s still not technically fall, there is a coldness in the wind that lets me know it’s Time to Hunker Down.

It’s a sure sign that the weather is changing when the roaches start appearing. I think I’ll be avoiding my kitten’s kisses for awhile.

Ahh Friday

It's a beautiful day here in NYC. The kind that makes you want to ditch everything you had planned and spend the day having a picnic in a park. But alas, I need to keep MHDJ for a few more months. I've decided that I'm going to find as many crazy weird jobs as I can between now and January and just save as much as I can before doing the bi-coastal thing.

Anyway, it's almost the start of labor day weekend and tonight I'm going to a half priced extended happy hour that my friend won at a bar. Should be fun. Then tomorrow morning, the BF and I are taking a bus to Atlantic City and then meandering over to Smithville, NJ for a wedding.

I didn't know what to expect from a place named Smithville, but their website does not disappoint. I got very excited when I saw that there's a mini-train that takes you around town and there are historical reinactments of the civil war. I find myself wishing that we could stay more than one night. Maybe I can camp underneath the stars with the civil war reinactors. Oooh, and I could wear a pretty hoop dress and make bread over a fire and everything! Something tells me I won't be able to convince anyone else to do this with me . . .

I am a wee bit disapointed that it's not on the beach. I got less than a week of beach time this year and certainly could have used more. Maybe I'll get to shoot a cannon like I did in Colonial Williamsburg when I was little. Oh yes. I can smell the gunpowder now.

Is it any wonder that I'm an actress?

I Just Googled the Meaning of Life

and was greated by this lovely quote on Wikipedia:

However, no matter how the universe came into existence, humanity's fate in this universe appears to be doomed as —even if humanity would survive that long— biological life will eventually become unsustainable, be it through a Big Freeze, Big Rip or Big Crunch. It would seem that the only way to survive indefinitely would be by directing the flow of energy on a cosmic scale and altering the fate of the universe.

It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to read that humanity is doomed, doesn't it?

Or maybe I should be more concerned about the fact that I'm relying on google for spiritual guidance.

The Blood Rage

Have you ever had that overwhelming feeling that suffocates when you really don't want to do something? That mixture of dread and anxiety that almost leaves you breathless? It's happening to me right now about a promotional job I'm supposed to be working next week at fashion week. Last years fashion week was a blast- I worked inside the tent pretending to be a french model and got to speak with a fake french accent. This year, they're putting me outside the tent to give out samples, and though the money is very good, I'm half tempted to turn it down. You see, I don't do outdoor sampling. Oh I have . . . plenty of times. But it took me getting trampled on by crowds rushing for free stuff a couple of times before I finally pledged to myself never to do it again in New York City.

Few things upset me more than a stranger physically touching me in an agressive way. An anger clouds over me where I start seeing everything in red. This happens even when it's an accident- I can't help but feel the rage taking over my body. Then I inevitably say something I shouldn't when I'm on the job. This is why I'm not sure if I should take this job this year . . . it's just that the money is so good . . . but is it worth it? Maybe it is. I'll have to think about it.

Time to Hunker Down

Oh me. I don't know what's been wrong with me during the past couple of days. I've been sleeping nonstop and watching hours and hours of 30 Rock (and consequently seen two people I know on the show and wondered why I have yet to share the screen with the gloriously hilarious Tina Fey.) The only slightly productive thing I've done is cleaned my apartment. And gone down the block for pizza. Well, and go to MHDJ, but that never counts. I'm not used to having this much free time and I don't like it.

I thrive off of stress and being in constant motion. I guess I shouldn't complain that I have so much free time, especially since fashion week is coming up and I'll be busy working a promotion there along with MHDJ, but I just feel so unproductive. Yes, there are a million personal projects I could be working on, but I'd rather be at auditions . . .which have been few and far between this week. Of course, it's only Tuesday, but still.

I actually pulled out my old college psychology textbook today for some leisurely reading. Something is definitely wrong with me. Well, nothing more to report on here. Back to 30 Rock for me. I'm letting tonight be my last lazy night of the week . . . hopefully.

Fall is in the air and it's time to hunker down and get stuff done.

My Breakup with My Facebook Page

Oh Facebook. I’ve been trying to work things out with you for over a month now, but you are just being unresponsive. It’s like you don’t even care anymore. I write to you everyday asking you to let me log into you again and never hear back. What has happened to us? We used to be so happy together. I remember the days when I would sneak on to see you while at work and you would always greet me with a refreshing smile. And the nights when we used to stay up until 3am typing with each other. Now the nights are long a cold.

But last night I decided it was time to move on. Facebook, I created a new account. Now, I know that this is in violation of your terms and agreements but you turned a cold shoulder on me and left me little choice.

And like a typical relationship, as soon as I moved on, you asked for me back. This morning you coaxed me into logging onto you again and after a month and a half of rejection, you let me in! Imagine my surprise, and my angst. Why is it that the moment I moved on, you came crawling back? But then, as soon as I got my hopes up, you kicked me off again. I am torn facebook. I am starting a new relationship with my new account, but we have so much history together. I don’t want to leave you, but don't see any other option. So, I will convert all my old friends to my new facebook page. I will leave the memories and photos of you behind and never turn back.

I know one day you will probably let me log into my original account again. But by then it will be too late. You had a good thing and you lost it. Goodbye Facebook page. We had a great run together, but it is time to move on.

Going Bi . . . Coastal that is

Soooo . . . I said that I was going to hold of on making all major life decisions until my vacation and I stayed true to that promise. But that time has now come and past so I am free to finally say with certainty that I will be moving to LA in January.

Mind you, this is not a permanent move. I am keeping my apartment, the BF, and the kittens in New York. But I’ll also have a place in LA. I’m going with an actress friend and we plan on staying for three months and then re-evaluating our next steps. It doesn’t feel as scary to know that I’ll be with someone else there, though I have to say I’m going to miss my cats like crazy. Oh, and I’ll miss the BF too ;) I’m not quite sure how this is going to work out financially, considering my bank account is looking pretty pitiful, but I am a firm believer that money will come when you need it most.

So, call me a gypsy, or a crazy actress or whatever. Maybe I am. But I’m excited to be making a change . . . and moving to the west coast during the coldest season in NYC doesn’t hurt either.

I Love Assawoman

Well I'm back in the city after a weekend of shooting and then a week in the sun. I needed both badly. I find myself much more relaxed now, but the familiar headache and lack of appetite that accompanies my living here is already setting in.

The movie I shot in Delaware was amazing. I am so glad that I went through with it all. From Friday to Sunday, everything aligned perfectly. It was a very long weekend but it was well worth it, (I haven't seen the footage yet, but I have high hopes). It was a great learning experience for me to be on the other side of film making. Though, unfortunately I believe that my acting suffered since I was producing and co-directing on set, but I did the best I could in my present mindset.

On Saturday, after a breakfast of coffee, OJ, bagels, and donuts (my plan of waking up early and making the cast and crew a three course breakfast failed miserably), we piled into a couple vehicles and made our way over to the Assawoman Bay (yes, that's it's real name). There, we picked up the boat that I had reserved only to find that it was a much smaller version of the one that I had ordered. When I questioned this, I was told that since we only had 5 people they had to keep the larger boat for larger parties. Oh helllll no. This is where my living in New York came in handy. Three years ago, I probably would have smiled and said I understood and tried to make do with a boat that was too small. But when you live in a city where you have to fight to get by everyday, your "survival of the fittest" mentatility kicks in.

Me: We need the larger boat because as I said on the phone, we are making a film and have all of this film equipment that will simply not fit on the boat you are offering.

Boat Lady: Yeah, but the owner said we need to keep the larger boat in case a bigger party comes.

Me: (somewhat aggressive now) Well I wish someone would have told me this before because we would have taken our business elsewhere. (Monster begins to come out). We just can't use this boat at all and we have a film to make so we NEED the bigger boat NOW.

BL (who looks like a mere teenager) exchanges looks with Hot Boat Guy (who is probably way too young for me to be calling hot).

BL: Umm, can we switch around another party?

HBG: Umm . . . we can work it out. Let me take you to your boat Miss.

Whew, first crisis averted. And possibly only because everyone is so damn nice in Delaware that they didn't know what to do with the Crazed New Yorker in front of them.

The rest of the day in the bay went by smoothly, with the exception of a bit of a jellyfish issue (one of the actresses couldn't bear going in the water with so many jellyfish surrounding her, which is understandable), and the excessive sunburns that we are all enduring over a week later. My back is peeling so much that I look like I have a skin disease. And as I am typing this, a flake from my chest just fell on the computer. Yummy.

The biggest problem of all is that we caught an awesome amount of crabs (probably around 25) but they all died. The BF tells me I shouldn't tell anyone this little snippet because PETA will come after me, but they all died by accident and we were going to eat them anyway, so their fate was pretty much the same. This crisis was averted by going to a nearby market and buying a bushel of live crabs to steam. Which brought on another problem.

As I was finishing up a scene outside on a dock, I yelled into the beach house to ask one of the actresses to take the crabs off the steamer. Big mistake. 20 minutes later, I come inside to find her in tears with a second degree burn. It looked disgusting- I can only imagine how horrible it must have felt. But she carried on like a champ and made it through the rest of the shoot.

This entry is getting way to long so I'll just go on to say that Sunday went smoothly and I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me as soon as we wrapped.

Yes, it was an amazing experience. I'm already thinking of a plot for my next one . . . Maybe "Revenge of the Assawoman."

Friday

What a weekend. There are too many things I want to write about so I'm going to write in sections. Early Friday morning I boarded a greyhound bus to make my way down to Delaware where I would rent a car and pick up props for the film this weekend. As soon as I got off the bus in Dover I was greeted by a wave of niceties. The bus driver kindly offered his hand to help me down the bus steps, strangers smiled and waved their hands up in greetings, and one woman even offered to take us to the rent a car station. The BF and I turned her down with a smile but she then rattled off how it wasn't a problem and that she would be going that way anyway and how a cab would cost us an arm and a leg. We exchanged glances, shrugged, and said, ok sure!

So, a kind stranger took us to the car rental place without wanting anything in return. Then the people at the rental place were very nice and accommodating (so the BF told me- I was on the phone the whole time making last minute calls for the movie. The BF said that he felt like he was chauffeuring around a business person and I have to say that it felt wonderful.) Then a lady at KFC gave me a free biscuit while smiling and saying what a pleasure it was to serve us, and then the sales people at Target, Best Buy, and Michaels were all amazingly pleasant. The BF and I were in shock the entire time. As much as I love NYC, people there are just not like this. And I've gotta say the niceness was a bit unsettleing at first for some reason. But now I love it. It's enough to make me want to move to a quiet town on the water where I can write and take a private helicopter to auditions when I have them.

Ok, must go to the beach now. I will write about the wonderfully surreal weekend of making my own film a bit later. What an amazing weekend.

Hell Week

Things are starting to come together for this weekend. I found a boat, got the sound equipment reserved, have the camera and lighting on standby, have the cargo van reserved, and am making an extensive prop list at the moment. I think this may actually work!

You know, I'm not gonna lie- I always thought that acting was the most important part of a film, and though yes, it is important, there are soooo many other things that go into it. I think it's really good for me to be doing this from a production standpoint just to give me another point of view. If I ever do it again though, I'm hiring a producer. I'd rather concentrate on the acting and the script. But this weekend I shall be the scriptwriter, producer, co-director, and actor all in one.

They don't call it hell week for nothing.

Crazy is my Middle Name

Seriously going crazy. My boat fell through this weekend and I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find a new one. This is insanity. Anyone who tries to make a film themselves is crazy. Apparently crazy is my middle name. And speaking of boats, if I'm filming all day on one, how am I supposed to go to the bathroom? There are so many little loose ends I need to tie up. Seriously. Going. Nuts.

My Favorite Kind of Work

(My kitten is very supportive of my industry)

This weekend was awesome. The filming days were long, but well worth it. I really got into my character and even made some of the crew cry during my scary scenes. Score! The people I worked with were truly amazing. So kind, talented, and appreciative. And don't even get me started on the location. It was purely spectacular. Think big mansion on the water with an amazing yard and kick ass pool. I was about ready to pitch a tent up in their yard and squat for the rest of the summer.

Anywoo, I'm back in the city now and stressing about my upcoming film that I'm producing, acting in, and co-directing this weekend. I've written a million versions of the script and am still unsure about the final one. It's getting down to the wire now. And then there is the boat situation- we don't have one. Did I mention the entire film takes place on a boat. . . umm yeah. Speaking of which, I need to get back to work on logistics. Or drink a bottle of wine. Take your pick.

Hotels are Creepy

I just got to the hotel I'm staying at in CT. It's a Hilton and bigger than my apartment. Being alone in hotel rooms always freaks me out a bit so I just set out all my makeup on the bathroom counter, hung up all my clothes, and set up my computer. I'm just waiting now for the producer to pick me up so I can go over to the set to get a look at it tonight. Then back to the room to relax and order room service. Ok, I'm going to go sprawl out on the king size bed next to me and read for a bit. Hopefully this creepy feeling I have will translate on screen tomorrow when I'm being chased. Peace out.

E

Academia + Acting = Filing

Bored bored bored bored. MHDJ is soooooooooooo boring. I’m leaving for CT this evening for a weekend of filming and I wish I was there already. Seriously guys, I don’t think I can stress how boring this job is. Guess what wonderful activity my college education will be serving me this afternoon? Ready for it? Pulling Files. Yes, pulling files out of a filing cabinet. That’s all. Maybe I’ll get to do some alphabetizing. Woot woot. I hate this.

I’m the one that took all AP classes in high school and went to college on a full academic scholarship! I’m the one who wrote brilliant college essays (and some not so brilliant) and who visited my professors during their office hours. What has happened to me? The answer is simple enough: I decided to become an actress. I really need to let my pride and my ego go because they are the things that make me unhappy. I don’t want people thinking that I’m only capable of filing when I know I can be so much more! And the worst part is that people at my job treat me like dirt when I’m pretty damn sure my SAT scores were a hell of a lot higher than theirs.

But I need to take a step back and remember why I’m doing this. I’m doing it so that I’m able to survive while perusing acting jobs and going on auditions. I’m paying my dues. But, come on man. Haven’t I paid enough already? Ok, no don’t answer that Universe- you play a tricky game and I’m sure you have more in store for me. Let me just close my eyes and picture myself in CT in a few hours.

And really, when I’m on set acting it’s all so worth it.

Weekend Roundup

I had another, “Wow, I’m an actress in NYC” moment Friday night. It was during the curtain call on the closing night of my play. The house lights went up and I looked out into the audience and was filled with joy at an almost full house clapping for me. It was a satisfying moment.

Then I went to my cast party, got back my apartment at 2am and decided to catch a bus to Maryland right then and there. I was supposed to go back for a wedding the next day anyway, but leaving in the middle of the night made the bus ride much more bearable. Maryland was great. It was wonderful just staying in my parents’ house, relaxing, and eating good home cooked food. I needed it.

Within five minutes of getting back in the city, my cab driver got into a verbal altercation with another car and then almost killed us. Typical welcome back from the city. But, I needed to get back to work on my next projects anyway. I’m acting in a thriller this weekend in CT, which is going to be awesome (fresh air, a summer house, and being chased by bad guys- what more could you ask for?).

In addition to that I really need to get my act together with this crab movie that I’m writing, producing, and acting in. . . I don’t know why I thought I could be a Mel Gibson. It’s incredibly difficult doing all of it myself and I really hope I can pull it off. It’s costing me a hell of a lot more money than I had projected so it better damn well come out well.

Alright, back to watching the Deadliest Catch for film research while Fergie is curled up in my lap. Though I may complain a lot, I really do have the best job in the world.

Onward and Forward

I'm getting ready to head over to Times Square for the last performance of the play I'm currently in. Though I'm glad I'll have some more free time and I'll get to enjoy what little bit of the summer is left, I am sad it's over. I'll miss my cast, I'll miss getting ready in the dressing room every night filled with anticipation, and I'll miss pouring my heart out onstage. I love theatre and didn't realize how much I had missed it before.

But onward and forward. I wasn't quite sure what would be in store for me when the play was over, but I already have a short film lined up for next weekend, and then the following weekend I'll be producing and acting in a film that I wrote. At some point, I'd like to just forget about New York and my acting obsession for a few days and relax. I will make that beach vacation happen. I am in desperate need of a recharge.

On that note, I'm off to the theatre. Wish me many legs broken for my final night!

Palm Reading

I got my palm read last night. I was told that I am too giving and I put others before me too often which is a major source of anxiety. Ok, I guess I can buy that. But then she told me I should be in the health profession. Way off base. I get nauseas at the sight of a drop of blood. She then said that I would meet my soulmate in a year. The BF wasn’t too pleased with that one.

Maybe I should start up a fortune telling business in my apartment.

Gentle Breeze

I'm currently sitting on my fire- escape (the worst excuse of a balcony you've ever seen, but I adore it), typing away on my laptop and enjoying a calm summer breeze. That's the nice thing about living in a four story walk-up (besides developing calf muscles), you can actually feel a gentle breeze. It's been storming for the past two days but in between thunder, lightening, and rain, the sun dries everything out nicely leaving a calm atmosphere. This is the cleanest I've probably ever seen NYC.

So, I just finished my crabbing script and mailed it off to the Director. Since he blindly accepted this project based on his faith in me, I'm a little worried he'll turn me down after reading it, but I think he'll like it. It will be pretty funny if it's done right.

My Facebook account is still down. I've sent them two emails and haven't heard back. Don't they know I have important people to stalk? Don't they realize I have photos to post? Don't they understand that I don't know who I am without Facebook?!?!?! Ok, ok, a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously man. This is the first evening I've had off in ages and I wanted to mindlessly surf my favorite social networking site while sipping mojitos.

Speaking of mojito's, I must squeeze myself back through my window and into my apartment to whip one up. What's the rule on drinking before dinner? Oh, who cares. A late afternoon mac and cheese snack should count anyway.

Enjoy the breeze.

Life

I have an anxiety problem. Is it normal to feel your heart beat increase each time you log into your email? Or feel like something is dreadfully wrong in the world because your facebook account is down? No, I’m pretty sure that isn’t “normal” but I think it’s a common problem in my generation. I used to prefer email to the telephone, but lately I’ve been wishing people would just call. Email can get confusing and muddled. That’s not to say that I don’t love email intensely. . . I think I just need an assistant. Or an intern. Or, (here’s a concept) an AGENT. People say that it will happen when you least expect it (finding the right agent is a lot like dating) but I could really use some help here. (God, ANOTHER line from my play) Lately I’ve been so fixated on the business of acting that my acting itself has been suffering.

Anywoo, it’s Monday and I’m already wishing it was the end of the week because of MHDJ. The BF actually suggested we go to the courthouse to get married so I could get on his health insurance plan and leave my job. Not the most romantic proposal I’ve had (oh you wish you knew), but I did find myself considering it for a few days. Then I decided that I’d rather have a real wedding and a real proposal when we’re both ready for it. Although the insurance is rather tempting . . .

When I was in Boston for the day on Friday, my Mom made a comment about this blog being too “risqué.” It was quite a funny conversation and even funnier when my Mom said, “But your younger brother assured me that it’s not all true.” Lol, thanks Kev for trying to cover for me. However, I assure you that all my blog posts are true. If anything, I leave out too much in fear of offending someone or in maintaining the privacy of others.

On that note, I should get back to MHDJ so I don’t get fired and end up in a courthouse. Peace out.

Addendum: I was just looking up a link for the NYC courthouse and found this:

Are cousin marriages legal?
Yes, cousin marriages are allowed.
Are same sex marriages legal?
No, same-sex marriages are not allowed.

Seriously? I mean, I know same-sex marriages aren’t legalized yet in NYC, but they would rather you marry your cousin???? That’s just not right.

Paid Auditions

Every time I go to a paid "seminar" (which is really me paying for an audition, however "paid auditions" are illegal so they are called seminars), I swear I will never do it again. Today was no exception. Most of the people that go are agents and casting directors who are just doing it to make a little cash. Us actors go in hopes that one day they will remember us and cast us in something. Oh what dreamers we all are.

Today, I forked over my $200 and auditioned in front of 10 casting directors all at once. Did I get my money's worth? Doubtful. They were supposed to ask me questions afterward but I didn't hear a peep. Except of course for some constructive criticism of my monologue. Don't get me wrong- I appreciated the comment. It was useful and I will probably incorporate what the commenter said into my next audition. But the problem is that she mentioned this in front of all the other casting directors and then didn't let me do it again. For $200 I would have thought I would be able to take her comment and do my monologue again to show that I can follow direction.

Really, I don't know what I was thinking. There are so few jobs to be cast out there right now that these people are probably not even thinking of hiring anyone they saw. I just goes to show how desperate everyone is these days. Desperate for work, desperate for money, desperate just to act.

On another note, I'm really enjoying the play I've been doing. The content is a bit depressing, but I love going into a dressing room every few nights to prepare and then performing onstage with great actors. I only have another week of performances and I have to say I'll be a bit sad when it ends.

Alright, I need to go nurse my beer, fix my knee which I just scraped on the subway stairs, and pay attention to the parents who are in town for the day. I was in Boston yesterday to visit my brand new baby nephew and went to the Harpoon Brewery with my Dad (a great father-daughter activity). Their UFO white is quite delicious. Ahhhh, it makes even the worst audition seem just a bit better.

Mokumentaries, Vacation Plans, and Film. . .oh my!

I’m definitely going on vacation in August. The first part of my “vacation” will actually be me attempting to film a mokumentary that I am working on writing at the moment. What will said mokumentary be about? Crabbing of course, which is my favorite pastime, only second to acting. Only then, will my real vacation begin. Which will include me sitting on a beach, attempting to swim in the ocean, and reading good books while sipping on cold beer. I have decided to put all major life decisions on hold until I am back from vacation. Because right now I am so wound up with stress that there is no telling what I might do and regret later.

On another note, I had the opportunity to shoot with real film the other day. Most everyone uses digital now, but there is a class at NYU that teaches the ins and outs of film so it does not become a lost art form, and I acted in one of the student’s films. It was incredible. The camera that we used was probably older than me (if I was uh 20 maybe), and the noise the camera made when filming made me feel like I was in a film with Clark Gable. Except I was the only actor and it was a scene of me throwing up in a toilet, so not quite as romantic, but you get the idea. Hey, at least it was in black and white.

Alright, I must get back to MHDJ (My Horrible Day Job) and try to resist the urge to quit until I get a chance to clear my mind at the beach. Which isn’t for another three weeks.

Oh my.

Thank you Oprah

And someone else at work just asked me for my headshot and resume to pass onto his friend who is doing a night of Shakespeare in the city! I'm putting my wants into the universe and it's working! Thanks Oprah!

Schizo

Last night I was crying in a bar about how hard it is to be an actress (I know, wah waah) and today I am walking around thinking how much I love my life. Such are the ups and downs in the acting world.

Today I'm going to work, then filming a short where I play a drunken schizophrenic woman, and then performing in my play where I am a victim of molestation. This is going to be an emotionally exhausting day and I’m so excited! I was also just asked to be in a horror short by someone at my horrible job. Silver lining!

I can’t wait to be schizo! Woohoo!

Living in Me

Yesterday, I was a flapper girl from the 20's, a hippie from the 60's, and a diner waitress from the 50's. Not an acting gig actually- just a casting for a costume catalogue. Which may just be the best job ever. I doubt I'll get it because there were about a million girls there, but it was fun to try stuff on and reminded me of how my sister and I used to play dress up when we were kids. "So much has changed since then . . . but nothing has changed at all."

That's totally a line from my play and I didn't even realize it until after I typed it. I am so easily influenced by the characters that I play. It's kinda scary that I can lose myself so easily, but I guess that's what makes me a good actress. Like the time last month, when I filmed a short film where I played a total bitch and then came home and was an ass to the BF and had no idea why. Or after playing an MI-6 agent for a week, I found myself walking down the streets of NYC thinking to strangers, "Don't even think about giving me that look cause I can take you down!"

My character in my current show is a basket case who finally comes to terms with being molested when she was a child. It's some depressing shit. It's awesome to play and a tad bit emotionally draining. Though I love my part, I think I'll be in a much lighter mood in my "real" life when the show is over, simply because she won't be living in me any more. The lines of what I consider my real life have been blurred lately, however so who knows.

I can't think of anything else to say right now because my entire brain in focused on characters from the books I'm reading. I'm seriously a bit peeved that vampires and weres don't actaully exists. Life would be so much more interesting.

Working Week

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Writing that reminds me of when I'd forget to write in my diary as a girl and apologize to it. As if it had feelings too. This week has been a busy one. Tuesday was Opening Night for my play and I was actually surprised that it ran so smoothly. Opening nights can sometimes feel like dress rehearsals but we had a pretty full audience and everyone's performances were spot on. It's still a bit too long in my opinion, but such is life.

In other news, I'm an Aunt for the first time! My older brother and his wife had a beautiful baby boy yesterday and I am so excited to meet him! I don't know when that will be but I'm going to try to take off a day and grab the bus up to Boston to meet the little guy.

If it sounds like I'm low on energy, it's because my job is draining me. I wonder how long it will take me to stop complaining and actually do something to fix it, but at this moment in the economy I just can't afford to quit. Especially since I live in the pricey East Village.

Funnily enough today at work, someone that I had auditioned for a few months ago came in for a meeting. He remembered me (though I had to ask him who he was because I'm not the best with faces) and after searching my memory of auditions, I realized it was a hilarious one because it was back when I was taking ambien and I was a bit "high" off of it during the audition. I didn't get the part, lol. But hey, at least he remembered me!

Alright, J.K. Rowling is making me a wee bit weepy (just finished watching "J.K Rowling: A Year in a Life"- very inspirational), and I'm sweating since it's the middle of summer in NYC and I still don't have an air conditioner, so I'm off to relax in front of a good book. (I'm currently obsessed with the Sookie Stackhouse series and seriously wish vampires and werewolves actually existed.)

I'll try not to be as lame with the entries next week. In the meantime, I'll be dreaming about Supernatural Creatures and wishing my boyfriend was a werewolf. Peace out.

Did America Ferrera Ever Go Through This?

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO? The thought is running through my head over and over again. My audition for Ugly Betty started out smoothly. Then the casting Director asked me to do it in a Queens accent. My first line was fine. The second one was ok until I said the last word “class.”

CD: No it’s Claass, not ClAs.
ME: Claaaaaass
CD: No, Claass
ME: ClAs
CD: No, repeat after me: Claass
ME: Claaaaaass
CD: No! Say “air”
ME: Air
CD: Now say Clais, without the r in air
ME: ClAAAAAs
CD: (shaking his head) No, that’s not it
ME: Claaaas
CD: It’s in the back of your throat, Clais
ME: Clais
CD: Good! Now say the line again

I say the line and immediately look back to the CD afterwards

CD: This time don’t look at me- stay in the scene

This is acting 101 people, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I say the line again.

CD: Claiss
ME: Claaaaass
CD: Claiss
ME: Claaaas
CD: Claiss
ME: I say the line with Claiss
CD: Good, that’s it!

I thank him while laughing and leave the audition room. If only it had ended there.

I went down the elevator, across the parking lot, and began waiting for the shuttle to take me back to the subway. While waiting on a bench, I began talking to another actor. A man who was 65 and has been trying to make it since he was 24. He still does extra work. He doesn’t even have an agent. I began mentally freaking out. I always believed that if you just tried and stuck with it then you would make it, but here was clear evidence right in front of me that this was not the case. We got into the shuttle and I began repeating the line that I was having trouble with and laughed to the man about how now I could actually do it but when I was in there how horrible I was. I joked about how I should go back up there. Then it happened.
Before I knew what was happening, the joke turned into a serious idea and I opened the shuttle door and sprinted across the parking lot, into the elevator and up to the casting floor. I ran into the C.A’s office and exclaimed, “I can do it! I can say class!”

I went back.

Why, oh why, did I go back?

The C.A’s smile faltered and I said, “I’m sorry, I know I’m weird, I was just like, oh I have to show her that I can do it now!” She replied awkwardly, “its okay.” Then she asked me to leave her office and sit in the waiting room. Then she came out a minute later and said, I’m sorry, we just don’t have the time to see you again. We’re really busy.

Oh My God. What the hell did I just do? When sprinting across the parking lot, never in my imagination had it crossed my mind that they might not let me read again. Why hadn’t I thought this through? In my mind I was going to be given a huge pat on the back and assurances that the role was mine. . . boy am I delusional. The fact that the CD had worked with me for so long before was probably a good thing now that I think about it, but now that I went back up I am pretty sure I’m kuput. Rule #1 to actors: DO NOT SCARE THE CASTING DIRECTORS! Do not act psycho. And don’t listen to the encouragement of 65 year old men who still haven’t made it. Bless his poor little heart.

I am now the answer to the question that Casting Directors always get in seminars: What not to do as an actor? Don’t pull an E!

This could go one of two ways. They could either remember me in a good way as someone eager to work at any role or they could remember me as the desperate psycho and never let me work for ABC again. OMG. FML. I gotta run to rehearsal now. At least I’ll be able to do my scenes of despair well.

Crushed

My audition was HORRIBLE. I can't even write about it. All I want is to burst into sobs and chug a bottle of wine, but I can't because I have to work my part time job and then go to a tech rehearsal for my show until midnight. I'm crushed.

Should I stay or should I go now?

Ok, so I’m in a weird place right now. Stuck between what is comfortable and what could be. I am being incredibly micro-managed at my part time job which is annoying and stressful. Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay, will I remain in a stagnant place forever? If I go, will I open up doors or will I not be able to afford rent?

. . . wow . . . I just googled the lyrics to that song because I can’t remember the title and I came across a random person’s blog who is in deep despair. This is what I just read:

I am at a loss. A complete loss. It has been one year. One year to the day that he left me at his sister's house in that shithole Texas town, and I'm lost. Maybe the road is my home. Did I not try hard enough? Maybe too hard. I just don't know. Running around this town, from bar to bar, boy to boy, desperate for the feeling I used to get from the wind in my hair. I lost my job. Again. I want to stay. Prove to myself that I can stay in one place. If I can stay in one place, maybe someday I'll be able to stay with one person. If I can stay in one place, maybe I'll have a shot at love. If I continue to stay in one place, maybe I'll wither away into nothing. A black spot on the sidewalk, a crumpled mess of second hand designer jeans. Maybe its time. Time for what, I don't know. Do I stay or do I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay there will be double.

I can't even get a job cocktailing at the strip club. This is a nightmare. This is not the way this or anything else was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be just another pretty face. Not me, not the powerful passionate presence I used to be. I feel like that day one year ago broke me. It took that last bit of flesh surrounding my heart and turned it to stone. I can't feel anything anymore. Not love, not pain. Just a dull throb in my chest that refuses to cease despite all my efforts to make it stop.

Where do I go now? How many more chances at happiness am I allowed to blow? Uggh. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. The sound of a hammer against my veins.

Wowzers! I don’t know if it’s even legal for me to post this, but this is what I want in life! (Not to feel crushed and lost), but to tell people’s stories! I don’t know who this woman is (though she is a brilliant writer), but I want people to feel her pain, her hope, and her passion. I want to be her in a movie. I want her story to be heard. It’s amazing how love can break us into so many pieces. I’m sure lots of people can sympathize with this girl and I want them to hear her story so they know they’re not alone.

Well, I’m off to prepare for an audition. I’m not going to say what it is yet because I don’t want to jinx myself but send wishes of leg breaking my way!